[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by KatiesEd-dad

My DD's first mom is not my ex wife but is a 24 y/o college student that neither my wife or I have met. Just wanted to clear that up. I don't even have an ex wife although sometimes my current wife threatens me with it.

Thanks to everyone for all the great replies. It's given me a lot to think about. I'll have to be honest. One of the main reasons I'm worried about this is I don't want my DD to feel unwanted, unloved or rejected when she grows up. We were led to believe in our adoption prep classes that our DD would have major rejection issues if she didn't have some kind of bond with her birth mother.

I appreciate everyone responding. It's given me quite a bit to chew on. Regardless of my quest for answers, we have and will continue to respect her wishes and not contact her directly.

hi there, firstly apologies! its 01.30hrs over here and I'm obviously not picking up correctly here. So sorry. I thought you were the childs bfather. Thanks for clarifying that.

I don't know if you have read Verriers' books, but from what I have seen from them, an astute and loving & caring aparent as you clearly are, can reduce the 'blow' of lack of contact/no contact from bmother by being not only open about the adoption from the start, but also when the child seems to sink into some kind of 'distance' in their eyes and behaviour, which later in some cases can develop as 'acting out' -acknowledge the loss of the birth mother.

The example was given of a woman who was a lovely amom and she said to her daughter "you are missing her eh honey?". That kind of validation of the trauma (the Primal Wound as verrier calls it) of separation from bmother and child can go a long long way in to developing an emotionally healthy child and will stand in way good stead for the aparents and their relationship with the child.

I have met an adoptive mother who lost her adopted son to cancer at the age of 32 and she described to me the wonderful bond of love they had that had led him never to desire to search for his bmother. The bond was just wonderful.

In my case, my son struggles emotionally with himself and his aparents for a variety of reasons, but I think included in that, the parents have to realise that putting an adopted child in boarding school is not acceptable if you want that child to cope with already one separation. A second just about finishes them off. Also leaving it until he was 13 to tell him he was adopted was not a good idea either, but there you go.

Both books 'The Primal Wound' and 'Coming Home to Self' in my opinion will give you an excellent grounding as to how best to tackle the years now and ahead. I have already mentioned her website which breaks down her findings that thousands of adoptees testify as representative of their true feelings.

I can certainly recommend Nancy Verrier when it comes to ascertaining a healthy approach to embracing the wound that is more likely to develop, to be honest, when the child is in teenage years. That is usually when there is a search for identity and need to be 'mirrored' back and can be confusing and behaviour can reveal itself that is hurtful to the aparents, but not necessarily so, but perhaps wise to prepare for it???

I hope these thoughts are helpful to you. I'm sure others would agree with me when I say it is so good to hear from a father that so much wants to be a good father and reach out to be informed. Good on you, that's all I can say. Now I'd better get to bed before I make any more faux pas!!!!

wishing you all the success you need for healthy and happy parenting!!

[KatiesEd-dad]

Originally Posted by Jannyroo

hi there, firstly apologies! its 01.30hrs over here and I'm obviously not picking up correctly here. So sorry. I thought you were the childs bfather. Thanks for clarifying that.

Not a problem, Jannyroo. Thanks for the good advice. We're feeling much better about the situation now knowing that we're not hopelessly doomed just because this girl isn't around now. As any parent can probably relate to, we would do anything for our DD and just want her to grow up feeling good about who she is and where she comes from.
Thanks again,

[ommom]

Ed, giving yor child up for adoption is the hardest desicion one can make. I am sure in this case, the birthmom made a choice (painful) and doesn't want to look back and just get on with her life. I think it's admirable you want your DD to know where she came from and as many kids later wonder who they "look like". However, I don't think it is a good idea for you to go out and try to find her and/or force her to "see" pictures or simply wake up feelings you may not want to deal with. My husband is adopted, along with 4 of his siblings. They are all happy and "function" well. My husband and 4 of his siblings (age ranging 42-37), frankly don't think about the fact they are adopted and have ZERO interested in finding or looking for their birth parents. One of his siblings though did make the attemp and found them. The mother basically is not interested in a relationship. She has made it very clear to my mother in law, that it was the hardest thing she did, but she was grateful, her "baby" was placed in such a loving home with parents and siblings who all love her very much.

In short, just let it be and respect the birthmom's desicion.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by KatiesEd-dad

One of the main reasons I'm worried about this is I don't want my DD to feel unwanted, unloved or rejected when she grows up. We were led to believe in our adoption prep classes that our DD would have major rejection issues if she didn't have some kind of bond with her birth mother.

She may. Just as each birthparent handles adoption differently, so do those who are adopted.For every child that is OK with adoption there is one who will struggle. It depends a great deal on temperament, how resilient your child is and how things are handled.

[NJNative]

Originally Posted by KatiesEd-dad

My DD's first mom is not my ex wife but is a 24 y/o college student that neither my wife or I have met. Just wanted to clear that up. I don't even have an ex wife although sometimes my current wife threatens me with it.

Thanks to everyone for all the great replies. It's given me a lot to think about. I'll have to be honest. One of the main reasons I'm worried about this is I don't want my DD to feel unwanted, unloved or rejected when she grows up. We were led to believe in our adoption prep classes that our DD would have major rejection issues if she didn't have some kind of bond with her birth mother.

I appreciate everyone responding. It's given me quite a bit to chew on. Regardless of my quest for answers, we have and will continue to respect her wishes and not contact her directly.

I know that the current opinion in adoption is that there MUST be a relationship with the birth mother for the child to be OK. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with having such a relationship. But on the other hand, many adoptees can and do grow up happy and healthy even in a completely closed adoption.

Four of my cousins are adopted, and I have discussed this topic with them a number of times None of them have searched, nor do they intend to. One of them had some medical issues, and in the course of getting more information on that, was given the option of getting his birthmother's name and other information. He declined. In fact, he has told me he seldom even thinks about the fact that he's adopted. Too busy working, raising his young children, spending time with his wife and extended family.

My own son is 17 and a very well adjusted teenager who is rapidly maturing into a delightful young man. His adoption is -- and has always been -- closed. His adoption has always been freely discussed and he can ask any questions he wants. As of a couple of years ago, he said he'd like to search, but is not looking for a long-term relationship. More of a one-time meeting.

Just enjoy your daughter and try not to worry about things that may never happen. And trust your own instincts. You will know how to deal with questions, etc. when you need to to.

Good luck.

Robin

[Jackiejdajda]

ommom wrote

In short, just let it be and respect the birthmom's desicion.

Amen to that..
And also I believe we need to respect each other..
We say what we mean and we mean what we say.. etc etc..

This stuff is so emotionally difficult and if we do not respect the boundaries of others we are lost.

Jackie

[Resseda]

I also cannot speak for your daughter's birthmom, but I too will share my short story. My pregnancy was the darkest period of my life. I felt stupid (come on, I was 26 how did I just 'get' pregnant?), I felt scared (what will I do, what if I have to do it alone, what if I [i]choose[i] to do it alone), lonely (no one else can possible understand how I feel, the rest of the world would be jumping for joy to be pregnant), depressed, overwhelmed, and almost every other negative emotion you can imagine. [b]For me[b], delivery could not come fast enough, and I want no contact with my son. None. I did, at first, kind of think I did, but I realized I didn't. I have the family's name and address. They have my maiden name and my mother's address. The lawyer has my now-husband's address. I even have the mom's email. But that is a chapter of my life I wish I could throw away the key to.

And, lest anyone take this the wrong way, I will add that I do not hate my son. I hate the circumstances I was in when he was born, and I will say 1000 times over that I am at a better place in my life than I could ever be if I had kept him. I keep a journal for him, I write in it on holidays and birthdays, just in case he ever looks for me. I don't want contact, I don't want updates...that is a chapter in my past now.

[kakuehl]

It has been repeatedly said that each situation is different and there is no one right answer. I heard someone recently say of a pregnancy, "It wasn't planned but it wasn't prevented." I told D that that described his birth.

One thought I had was that the relationship between your child's bmom and the bdad may explain some of her feelings. Or your daughter may remind her of decisions she made that she regrets. (The possibilities are endless!)

I was a senior in college when D was born. My mother offered to keep him while I finished school and found a job. One problem with that solution was that I would never have been allowed to mother him. I would never have gotten him back from Mom (and if I had she would still have attempted to take over). For me that was not what I wanted for him. It was also important to me that he have two parents who were ready to parent him.

I had no choice about whether or not I could have contact with D. I'm not sure how easily I could have visited him. (I'm facing the challenge with my bgrandkids - of feeling like their grandma, but not really being their grandmother. It's a hard place to be!)

[WhiteTiger07]

I love my DD and I know that the amom does as well. I have an open adoption and am very interested in meeting my DD. Your DD bmom might feel guilty or ashamed for giving your DD up. There are alot of emotions I deal with on a normal basis just because I have an open adoption and have contact with the family regularly. Each bmom is different and the emotions are so irregular and random that it is hard to understnad them all at one time so it takes a long time to cope with everything.

I hope everything turns out okay and she finally comes around.