[SchmennaLeigh]

Hey birth and adoptive parents involved in open adoptions: I need some help.

During the month of November (on the birth/first parent blog), I will be taking an in depth look at laws concerning post-adoption contact including a listing of each state's laws (22 provide specific wording and would thus have their own posts while the rest don't address the issue and would all be listed together), some resources for families struggling in this area, and some personal stories to liven up the topic in general. I think this could be a genuine resource for parents in adoption, especially comibining actual law with anecdotal stories (both positive and negative!).

That's where you come in, of course.

I need your great, good, not-so-good and downright bad stories about post-adoption contact. If you were promised something and it wasn't delivered, I want to know about it. If you promised something and didn't deliver, I want to know why. If your agency had issues with your contract, I want to know what was wrong. If you didn't make a contract, how do you handle the issue. If you did, what was the wording? The list goes on. If you'd like to help others make their way through this topic in a way that you might not have had at the time, please contribute some information.

You can either leave a reply on this thread, PM me or e-mail me privately. (My e-mail is listed on the birth/first parent blog bio.)

Oh, of course, any advice you'd like to offer parents (birth or adoptive) on handling this difficult subject will be greatly appreciated.

And so, in short: an open dialogue on post-adoption contact. (Don't necessarily dwell on the issue of whether or not contracts are legally binding in your state unless it is imperative to your story. I'm covering that on its own! Note the difference in words: contact and contRact. )

[browneyes0707]

I do want to help, but I will have to come back when I have more time

[KatiesEd-dad]

Do you want them posted here or PM'd to you???

[loveajax]

This is where the venom against my agency comes out so please bear with me....

DH and I (frankly) had very little knowledge or understanding of open adoptions. (He is an adoptee from a closed adoption). When we met with the agency about a week before DD's birth mom was due, they had us sign what they called their "standard contract" which was an agreement for semi-open (letters and pictures tapering off over the course of time). We of course thought that DD's birth parents had been counseled about this (or at least were shown and agreed to the same contract)...hahahah. Of course not...I really believe today they were counseled about NOTHING relating to OA (nor were we).

DH and I met with DD's birth parents and their daughter three times before DD was born. We definitely "hit it off" -- they are really bright, nice kids who unfortunately both have had some real struggles at such a young age, but definitely very similar to DH and me.

My strong sense is that DD's birth dad (and my DH) really did not want to have visits post-placement. I know it sounds strange now, but none of us EVER talked about it....I think this is why I presumed that DD's birth parents were OK with the semi-open agreement.

At the hospital, saying goodbye to DD's birth mom was one of the most HORRIBLE and heartwrenching things I ever had to do. (we said goodbye on sat night, she was discharged on sun, we took the baby home on sunday). I know people have visions of aparents dancing away with their babies....my experience was sooooo much the opposite. It is hard to describe how intensely you can feel so much happiness and so much sorrow at the same time.

After we brought DD home (but before TPRs were signed), our SW called us and said "DD's birth mom would like to have visits with her." The SW said that she (SW) had suggested yearly visits....(I now think that DD's birth mom probably wanted more, but SW probably talked her out of it). It was actually somewhat of a "relief" to me because I had been feeling so sad about things (hard to explain). We agreed.

WHILE DD's BIRTH MOM WAS SIGNING THE TPRs, the SW called me in a "hushed tone" and said, "DD's birth mom wants quarterly, instead of yearly, updates." I mean, it was just so flipping inappropriate....of course we agreed (and I actually like sending these updates very much).

We have seen DD's birth parents (and sister, now sisters) three times since she was born. Once when she was 6 weeks old, and then on our annual visit (around the time of DD's birthday). DD's birth mom and I talk or email every so often (maybe once a month or two). I consider her a friend. My sense (still) is that both dads think it is "better" to have more limited contact (and I think DD's birth mom and I feel differently).

My biggest regret is being a real "dummy" for a relatively bright person and not researching, learning about OA. I guess I naively "relied" on my agency whom I believe has done a great disservice to both us and DD's birth family. I would have loved to have really discussed all these things openly BEFORE she was born (and of course, we could have discussed it after too). I sometimes wonder if we were honest with each other about what we wanted whether the adoption would have happened at all (I shudder to think about that, btw! but if DD's birth mom wanted lots of visits, and we knew that, maybe we would not have "matched"....I don't know).

The one thing that sort of keeps me afloat in all of this is realizing that we know, respect and love DD's birth family and that is a really amazing thing. I think they feel the same way about us. I know we all are committed to DD and her happiness.

As for the visits themselves, we all enjoy them, I believe, though I know when we leave, DD's birth mom crumples (I literally saw her fall to the ground once when we were leaving a visit...and it still haunts me). It's a little more complicated too because DD's birth parents are married and have an older and younger dd and sometimes it breaks my heart that DD will not be raised with these beautiful girls.

I have no idea what the future will bring...I suspect that as she gets older, DD will want to see her birth family more and I hope that's the case....sometimes it seems really "abnormal" to have only one visit per year...like how will DD ever really "know" these people, you know? I know it's probably easy to say, "have more visits!" but I also can say that I am an emotional wreck after these visits because I tend to absorb DD's birth mom's pain and sometimes (honestly) it makes me feel like I am not parenting very well in the days following a visit. Also, DH thinks we really should "just" do what we agreed to for now and let DD decide for herself later on (he plays the "adoptee card" on me). I also am sort of concerned because DD's birth parents have not told their families (or their daughters) who DD is, and I don't know that I would want to have all these visits and then have them "stop" because DD's birth parents cannot (for whatever reason) tell their kids or their families.

I think agencies (even my very long-established, well respected one) need to do soooooo much more about counseling both a parents and expecting parents about openness. In fact, I would like to see some sort of "mandatory" something or other on this. I mean, so little about adoption is about the "match" and "placement," you know, but I don't think either set of parents "gets that" very much (at least most who rely on adoption professionals).

Btw, we are in a state where OA contracts are enforceable.


Part 2 of my novel next week! hahah

[SchmennaLeigh]

KatiesEd-Dad; either way. Whatever is more comfortable for you will work for me!

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by loveajax

My biggest regret is being a real "dummy" for a relatively bright person and not researching, learning about OA. I guess I naively "relied" on my agency whom I believe has done a great disservice to both us and DD's birth family.

Goodness, I think I could say that, too. In fact, I'm pretty sure a lot of people could. *hugs* Thank you for sharing all of that. Helpful to me and to others, I'm sure!

[Vogi2002]

Jenna - you may know some of my story so may not need it...I can PM you if you want though. It's not very pretty so far but we are having a counseling session with the bmom this weekend so maybe it will be a change of tune after that?

[lahdh4]

I will answer you shortly Jenna.

[Mommy24]

When I made my adoption plan initially, I didn't think I wanted any contact. I tried to convince myself that I would be a burden to him and his new family and that I really couldn't handle knowing anything and would be better off without hearing from them. It wasn't until our last meeting before I was to deliver that I was encouraged by the agency and the adoptive parents to at least consider a semi-open adoption. D told me that she would only write if I contacted them first to let them know I wanted communication. The agency told me that it was best to at least say I wanted semi-open because if not then afterwards I wouldn't be able to change my mind. I don't know why they encouraged me to agree to anything as it is not enforceable in the state I placed. So, after some thought I did agree to semi-open. I did ask if they (aparents) would give me sometime to "get myself together" and then I would write when I felt ready. M was born on Oct 16 and come the first of Dec. I was more than ready to know how he was doing. This was the beginning of our semi-open adoption. It lasted 7 years until the agency closed and then communication was stopped. The P.O.Box they had opened was closed for non-payment and I had no recourse to find them. I had no last names, no agency to call, nothing.

My advice to an e-mom considering semi-open adoption would be to talk to the agency about the situation that happened to me, if they were to close the agency, for whatever reason, and contact ceased, how could they go about trying to work that out? Where would their records go and who would they contact to try and reestablish communication?

[blessedbybug]

Jenna, if you give me a couple of days, I will PM you. Is that okay?

[mom2justynsarah]

We had an inter-state open adoption. Sarah was born in California. But her adoption was finalized in Florida. Both CA & FL have different laws concerning adoption. The state of FL is way more conservative than CA. What would have helped tremendously would have been a legal post adoption contRact with the bparents. This would have outlined what was expected from both the birth and adoptive families. In our case, "open adoption" was left for us to figure out things on our own.

We

[KatiesEd-dad]

Sorry for the late reply. Haven't had 2 minutes to sit down and write this.

Our DD was a local adoption. The bmom requested it be a closed adoption but is was okay with her that identifying information was shared. She just didn't want to see or deal with our DD. She did say it was ok to mail her father, the birth grandfather, pictures from time to time. We sent a letter along with the first batch of pics and this lead to open contact with the maternal grandparents. As time went on the bmom still had no interest in meeting us or seeing our DD, she kept abreast of DD's development through our DD's website and from what her parents told her. We did have brief contact with an aunt (bmom's sister-in-law) who ended up being a drama queen nut.

These people were nice and polite but refused to learn about open adoption and what is best for the child. They refuse to deal with their own family issues surrounding our DD's birthmom placing her for adoption. We were told that the bmom didn't ever want or care about our DD and just wished the whole situation would go away. We could deal with that. No one would hold a gun to her head to make want or care about our DD. The birthgrandfather took out a lot of his anger with his own daughter on my wife. From the beginning he would take pot shots at her and then deny that he said anything at all. They would tell me one thing and then tell my wife another. The final straw with this bfamily was when the bgrandfather told my wife that they would not take our DD if anything ever happened to my wife or myself. He said that she was part of our family, not his, and that it's our problem. That was it. So much for him claiming to love and cherish his granddaughter.

So for now we've cut off all contact. It was not an easy decision but one we feel was in the best interest of our daughter. We figured better to do it now, when she won't remember anything, than to let him hurt her when she's old enough to understand. We will explain our actions to her when she is old enough to understand. If she wants contact with them after that, that will be her decision.

We're in the process to adopt a second child and we hope that it will be much different with the next birth family. We have learned one thing, thoug