[HBV]

Ours is kind of a contrast to these last two posts, both of which break my heart. H is 26 months now, and we just celebrated his bmom's 21st birthday with her 2 weeks ago. We only had 2 days between being notified of the match and H's birth, so there was not much time to get used to one another or to consider how we wanted contact to work. I have read so many stories on this site about the value of working things out ahead of time, and I generally think that's true---but we are proof that sometimes it can work out OK even if that's not done.

Dh and I did not think we wanted an OA at first, had lots of fears about bparents asking for money, trying to co-parent, etc. Unfounded, as it turns out. M asked me to be in the delivery room when H was born, and when I stood there behind her mom, who had tears streaming down her face, I knew how much their family loved this child already, and wanted what they could not give him. Being in that room was like turning the dial on a kaleidoscope and shifting things into a new pattern---I realized what we would be giving up if we did not include them in his life.

Before H left the hospital, they made us a DVD of family photos, interspersed w/ hospital photos of us and the baby, set to music. They came to see him at our home 3 days later, and now we have about 1 visit every 4-6 weeks (more at first, but tapered off a little so that it's manageable for everyone.) In between, I send e-mails or call when I have new photos or H does something funny or hits a milestone----same as I do to my inlaws or parents.

Occasionally, M and I will go shop or get our nails done. We send her flowers on H's birthday and a few days before Mother's Day, usually in conjunction with a birthmother's mass sponsored by our agency. I include her (and often her parents) in other things---H getting a haircut, his first Halloween last year, his birthday parties,etc. We incorporated some components of an entrustment ceremony into his baptism, and M's family loaned us their family baptismal gown, which was made from the silk of a WWII parachute worn by an ancestor. We attended her high school graduation.

For two families that don't have much in common besides this child, we see a fair amount of each other, and we get along really well. Sometimes they bug me, sometimes I am sure I bug them, but we are bound together by this child.

We also have a fairly good relationship w/ H's bdad and his extended family, though we do not see them as often. I do still send photos and updates at the same frequency that I do for M and her family.

Our case is slightly different in that M is developmentally disabled and cannot live independently, so in this case the communication with her extended family feels appropriate and is sometimes necessary just from a logistical standpoint. It also means that I am not saddled with the guilt that I know some amoms feel about the idea that maybe they've taken a child from someone who, with help, maybe could have parented. I'm not suggesting that everyone feels that guilt or that they should, but I know it does happen and it can color the relationship. In some ways, I guess that knowing that there's no way M could parent gives me security---I don't feel the need to prove myself as a parent with her. She doesn't pose any threat to me as a mom in any way, so emotionally, I feel like I can "afford" lots of contact.

Are we best friends? No. She is more than 20 years younger than me, very differently abled, and unlikely to mature emotionally much beyond where she is now. But she's sweet, and I think she looks up to me, so I want to be worthy of that. I think also that she (and bdad) both present us with an opportunity to teach H about compassion, about keeping promises, and about choices and consequences. I'm sure there's a good reason we were given such an opportunity.

[josh1788smom]

AWWW HBV - You rock!

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

We have a contract with one of our son's b-mom, and an unspoken agreement with our other son's aunt. The biggest difference I noticed is that the relationship that does NOT have a legal contract is SO much better. The relationship has progressed naturally and his aunt has embraced our family as a whole. The relationship that is bound by contract is strained and uncomfortable in many ways. To begin with, they do not aknowlege our other 3 children AT ALL. They act as though he is an only child and have not even tried to learn my s-daughter's names. After our first visit she asked for another a week later. I tried to blow it off, because our "contract" states 2 visits a year...one in Feb and another in Aug...with 6 updates a year. The other issue we had was that during the visit she has SO many people come over, and invited others to stop by that our son stood in a corner afraid to come out. Our agreement states that visits are for her, and her alone...unless we are notified and agree prior to the visit.

I struggled with how to handle it, even consulted our foster licensor. I ended up writing her a polite letter that clearly outlined the areas of the agreement that we felt needed to be addressed. I even included a copy of the agreement we ALL signed in case she had mis-placed her copy. She has been much better at accepting the terms of the agreement, but it made me mad that it had to come to this. When it was time to set up our last visit, she asked if we could do it early because she had an upcoming court date and wanted to make sure she saw him "in case I have to go to jail". It is for reasons such as this that we want to stand firm on the contract. Had I thought that any more contact than this was healthy for my child, I would have agreed upon more. As it is, if b-mom continues to have issues with the law and her substance abuse problems, we may have to "suspend visits at our sole discression".

I guess one of my big things about the "contract" is that all of us signed it, but at our finalization hearing WE had to raise our hands and swear under oath to uphold it. As such, we take it very seriously, and as we have seen in our case, her copy got left behind or was not important enough for her to even read let alone believe it was a legal document.

Open adoption has taught me that when contracts, and laws get thrown into the mix I think it takes away from the natural progression of a relationship and makes things strained. The likelyhood that I would be frineds with my son's aunt in any other circumstance is probably not very high...but I do it, and enjoy it because to her our family as a whole is just as important to her as her nephew. The likelyhood that I would be friends with my other son's mother is pretty much slim to not at all (for one she is only 17...13 when she got pregnant) but, we do it because we swore to do so in the same breath that we swore to love him as our own and promise to love him forever.

[ermiller]

Ohhh... I want to post to this but I need to collect my thoughts.

I'll be back