[browneyes0707]

Today I was getting ready to start my day, and this wave of anger washed over me about how things have been going (or not going) in my "semi-open" adoption. I feel like I'm in a game where I keep asking the rules so I can follow them and all I'm told is "Keep doing what your doing!" and that's all I get. But there has to be a set of rules I don't know about somewhere, because the "game" is now confusing and not being played the way it should. I don't understand.

I write DD's a-mom like I said I would. Like she had asked me to last year. I'm terrified of not keeping up with it, because I don't want anyone to think that I'm going to walk away again. I write every few months or so, mostly updates about me, questions about DD, the family, plans, etc. I'll include pics if something eventful happened (like my wedding). Basically, the same way I'd e-mail a friend. Lately, I was trying to figure out some things in regards to telling my family about DD, something she has brought up once before, so I'll tell her where I'm at with that.

Sometimes I get a message back, maybe acknowledging half of what I wrote. Most of the time I get a quick "I'm really busy, write more later" response, with no follow up. Last few messages, I've heard nothing at all. And it hurts.

I've tried to set boundaries, which I have stuck to and are self imposed, as I asked for boundaries last year and did not get a response. I am very understanding of her busy schedule, but I'm starting to think it's more than that. What it could be, I don't know. I've ALWAYS been respectful of her. I've always thought of her as someone tremendously special to me and have treated her as such. I don't burden her with my issues. I've asked her a few times to be honest with me, that I had no problem backing off if she wanted me too. But she insisted I should write, that she likes hearing from me so I do. I also write because I hope that eventually my DD will be happy to know I kept my word. Yet, I feel she doesn't think it is important to write me back, even though it's clear I'd like to hear from her too.

Last year, I struggled with this and since the relationship was just starting over, I got paranoid when I didn't hear back (I wrote more often then) and that was the last time I checked in and asked if everything was OK. I don't want to sound any more neurotic that I already am (LOL!) but what gives? I feel like she's trying to sweep this under the rug.

The other thing that bothers me a lot is that to my knowledge, she has not told DD that I write her. At first she was concerned about her reaction to contact with her birthfather, then she said she felt she was too young to have contact with me. I respect her authority and I know she knows DD better than I do. But she also says she is open and honest with her about her adoption issues,and I feel this is somewhat of a lie, since she isn't open about the fact that I write. I have told a-mom in the past that I think it is up to DD, not me, if she wants to know me, and that I'm in no rush to push anyone into contact. It makes me wonder if there are other things she is not telling her and/or me that would make this a whole lot easier on everyone.

Of course I'm going to write at Christmas and I'll ask if all is well, and maybe I'll get a response, though I'm starting to doubt it now. I'm very sad that this is falling apart and I don't know why. I feel like I should know why. And that brings me to the worst thing, I don't know how to STOP it from falling apart. I feel like that's all I've done is walk on eggshells to prove things that I shouldn't have to prove. I'm someone who likes to work on things, to change things when they aren't right, and I can't change this, you know? I don't know how I can communicate with her. And I should be able to accept this, but then part of me is angry, because I shouldn't HAVE to accept being ignored. There's busy and there is BUSY. I feel like I'm begging for scraps. I'll take a one line e-mail at this point just to be acknowledged. I feel so, I don't know, less than, and it's the worst feeling in the world.

I'm sorry to ramble on, AGAIN about the same old thing but I had to. I know I'm not alone and that's the sad part.

[bajj]

Oh browneyes, I am so, so sorry. I don't have any words of wisdom for you. I wish I could tell you what might be going through her head, but I just don't know.

You are right, you sholdn't have to accept being ignored. You are not less than anyone! You hold your head up high and be proud of who you are. While you're at it, save a copy of all correspondence so dd will see that yes, you did try. Not that you want it to fall back and make her extrememly angry at Amom (which could be a bad thing for everyone), but just so she will know that you love her and you care and you have tried very hard to show it.

I will keep you in my prayers.

[HBV]

Boy, I don't know what to tell you either---no matter how much I'm not in the mood or busy or whatever, I do understand how much H's bparents rely on my responses (and much of that is thanks to the moms on this site.)

Is it possible that there is something so monumental going on in her life right now---a job problem, a marital issue, money problems---that she can barely deal with herself and can't stand to reveal to you?

You know (in fact I think you've been among the wise voices saying this on occasion) that you can only control your behavior, not hers. I think you should go on with your correspondence, and I like Ani's idea of keeping it all for your daughter. I'm sorry, I wish it weren't so painful for you.

[browneyes0707]

Thanks, HBV and Ani, for your responses. I know there's no answer to be given, and I know the solution is to do just what I've been doing. I just felt the need to get it out today, it sort of came out of nowhere and took over. And your kind thoughts help more than you know!

I have thought of there being something else up in her life non adoption related. That is why I hesitate trying to bring this up to her again. Because it's not like her to not answer me at all, but considering that she usually sidesteps most of the messages, I don't really know what to think anymore. The last few messages I did get were one line or two lines putting me off, if that. So it's coming up on a year that I've really had any sort of real contact, you know? I would think (hope) by now I'd at least get "Bear with me, it's not you it's me", so I don't get discouraged. I'd be sensitive to that.

It just doesn't seem like my feelings are taken into consideration. There's rarely any follow through, and sometimes I wonder if it ever occurs to her how I must feel. I feel like being sensitive and fair has gotten me the short end of the stick.

I have also been thinking a lot about DD, and how this might affect her one day. I REALLY don't ever want her to think that there are any issues between me and her a-mom. I don't want her to think that there is anything resembling disrespect. Up until this point, I was fairly confident that if she did reunite, she would be able to see that we have always had a good relationship. I fear she may get angry, and I feel as if her a-mom is unknowingly setting the stage for that to happen one day. And I can't do anything about it, I'm powerless against it, all I can do is watch it happen. Its a really hard thing to do.

Thanks for listening

[BrandyHagz]

Gah - Brown - I got nothing. I'm having my own personal crisis today

So, hugs...talk it out - we're here to list.

Unreliable people suck.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I have also been thinking a lot about DD, and how this might affect her one day. I REALLY don't ever want her to think that there are any issues between me and her a-mom. I don't want her to think that there is anything resembling disrespect. Up until this point, I was fairly confident that if she did reunite, she would be able to see that we have always had a good relationship. I fear she may get angry, and I feel as if her a-mom is unknowingly setting the stage for that to happen one day. And I can't do anything about it, I'm powerless against it, all I can do is watch it happen. Its a really hard thing to do.

And see? This right here is why you are doing and will continue to do right by your daughter. You don't want bad blood. You want her to see a united front.

I would be upset and/or angry in your situation as well. Since your main focus is your daughter and how she will perceive your feelings/actions/etc, I have a question. Excuse me for not knowing the answer but it's hard to keep everyone straight! Are you in therapy? It might help to find ways to deal with the anger from someone who isn't attached (and knows more than I do about anger managemener, lol).

Just a suggestion.

That said, continue to vent here, would be my biggest piece of advice. (Or writing elsewhere.) We're here to listen. I think you're doing a great thing by your daughter right now. Hopefully her mom comes around.

[browneyes0707]

Jenna:
I'm not in therapy. I tried therapy once about 12 years ago for a non adoption related issue and it wasn't for me. I have a hard time verbalizing how I feel about a lot of things in my life, not just adoption related. I have always been more of a writer. That's why I come here. It's important for me to get it out, I know. I have a blog, and I have a few journals as well. But every now and then I need to have a good hissy fit

Just having people send me feedback helps. Even if it's just to say "I know, it sucks, hang in " to see it in black and white gives me more perspective. Like the passage you quoted and your response. Thanks

Brandy: Hugs back to you. Sorry to hear you're having a bad time.

[connersmom]

As an adoptive mom who has had contact abrubtly ended, I'm sorry for your situation. Like the others, I wonder if there is something (or many things) going on with her right now that she considers priority. This is what I have to consider in our situation since our loss of contact is confusing for me. Have you ever had a really good relationship with her? Has she ever been chatty? When did things change?

[kakuehl]

Hi, Brown!
Hugs to you (and to you too Brandy!). Like the others, I wish I had wonderful words of advice. (But I don't...lol... still can't find that magic wand.) I think I would be tempted to write something like: I'm very concerned when I don't hear back from you; I really hope everything's of with you. [hint...hint]

Praying that you (and Brandy) will receive the gift of God's peace.

[browneyes0707]

Originally Posted by connersmom

As an adoptive mom who has had contact abrubtly ended, I'm sorry for your situation. Like the others, I wonder if there is something (or many things) going on with her right now that she considers priority. This is what I have to consider in our situation since our loss of contact is confusing for me. Have you ever had a really good relationship with her? Has she ever been chatty? When did things change?

I'm sorry that you have lost contact too. And I'm sorry you are confused. It sucks!

DD's a-mom and I have always been really cordial to eachother, there's never been any friction or issue involving our relationship that I have been aware of. I've always felt and thought of her as like an old friend that I miss. The thing is that where were never any rules or boundaries set in contact, when DD was born OA was still a pretty new concept, and the fact that this was a private placement through a mutual friend (no agency or attroney involvement) we sort of "did what we wanted to do" and it worked. I was too far away for visits, plus my family didn't know about DD, so we communicated by phone. If I wanted to talk, I called her, she answered and we talked. Nothing scheduled, I didn't call too often, it was fine. She had 2 other children who were toddlers, so she had her hands full then too. She was flaky with sending things tho, I remember it took 10 months before she sent the pics she had promised, but it was pre-digital camera and internet (back in the dinosaur age where you had to take the rolls to the photo place, and I was awful with that as well!) As I started to deal with post placement issues after the first year, I backed off the calls to get my head together. I ended up talking to her just once more time before I lost touch. She had always said she would never contact me, out of respect for my parents not knowing, unless it was an emergency. Had she contacted me at any time, I'd have been thrilled.

Since we reconnected last year, I can say the first maybe 5 months were OK. I was still insecure but it was new, I knew it was still an adjustment for both of us to be communicating again. In the beginning (first few e-mails) she wrote a lot, and I wrote more often. A few months later, when the e-mails got shorter and the responses less often I asked if this was OK, she explained that she was just a very busy mother with busy children and that's why she wasn't able to always respond. I had hoped to maybe switch back to phone calls, so that I could get that instant vibe back, and not be so insecure, but DD does not know we talk, I'm sure the fact that she could find out makes that an impossibility. I'm not sure because she never addressed the topic. I asked that maybe boundaries might help (x amount of e-mails or pics per year) but she didn't answer that either. She just told me to keep writing so she could update me on "our" DD. So I created my own boundaries, and stick to 4x a year, and special occasions (like when I got engaged, I said I'd send pics, so three weeks later I followed through) I've tried to make it easy on her, but it doesn't seem to help.

And that's the thing, she is warm and sweet when I get messages, she is always acknowledging me as a part of who DD is. But since we had that moment last year, I have really only gotten one update. She is flaky and she does forget,(she forgot to send pics as promised, she remembered a few weeks later when I e-mailed her about something else) but now it's as if she is ALWAYS forgetting. It's as if she goes "Oh, look, B wrote, but she knows I am oh-so-busy being a mom, I'll write when I get around to it" and she just never makes the time. She won't just up and write a few weeks later out of the blue, it's not slow response (which I could deal with) it's NO response and or the I'm just too busy one liners that I'm struggling with now, because it's all I get now.

I guess the whole "busy being mom" thing does get me. Especially since I'm not parenting children, I guess I feel like she thinks I don't understand. I really do, I was brought up in an uber-busy large family, I get the chaos. And I certainly don't want her to ignore DD or her sibs to cater to me, KWIM? I'm not looking to be a priority, I very much understand, but I'm sad always feeling like I'm always relegated to the bottom of the "to-do list". If she said "Look, my life is a little full right now, and since I don't think telling DD about you is the best thing, I think it's best we maybe wait to build this relationship when I think she is ready." I'd be like OKAY!!!!!! I'm not adverse to doing the right thing, even if it means I get cut off. Because at least I KNOW. But I can't walk away, because if I did, I'd look like I was disappearing again. And I don't think she truly wants me to leave, I think she feels it's OK to leave me in limbo. And it's not OK.

Sorry to go on so long! But this helps!

[txrnr]

I see where you had hoped to resume with phone calls. Did she ignore that, or did you assume she didn't want any since DD doesn't know you are in contact? What if you sent her your #, and encouraged her to call when she had some privacy? It's possible she's just the type of person who doesn't check her e-mail, and avoids it at all costs. I have a relative like that. Add in the flaky factor, and you've got twice the irritation.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sure your patience and taking the high road in all this will pay off at some point.

[browneyes0707]

Originally Posted by txrnr

I see where you had hoped to resume with phone calls. Did she ignore that, or did you assume she didn't want any since DD doesn't know you are in contact? What if you sent her your #, and encouraged her to call when she had some privacy? It's possible she's just the type of person who doesn't check her e-mail, and avoids it at all costs. I have a relative like that. Add in the flaky factor, and you've got twice the irritation.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sure your patience and taking the high road in all this will pay off at some point.

I assumed, because she ignored it. When I initially wrote to her, it was via snail-mail, and I gave her all my contact info (addy, e-mail and phone) and she chose to respond through e-mail. Last year, I had told her that I wasn't always good communicating emotion through e-mail, and tended to "misconstrue" things and read into things to much (which I do) so maybe a phone call would help. Never addressed it. On a side note, her b-dad had contacted DD directly just prior to my contact letter, which she told me about in my first response back, and she mentioned they spoke on the phone. Now, I'm sure that he might have only left a phone as contact back, but also, since obviously DD knew they were talking, it would have been easy to block out time without fearing she would overhear or find out.

If I get a response from a-mom, even a one liner, it's always within a day or two. Earlier in the year I sent pics through my album, which has a read receipt, and notices she looked the next day, but no response. Again, since she chose that forum to communicate, I can only assume that's the best avenue for her.

I'm assuming a lot, and yes, I feel like an a-- There are a lot of times where I too will read an e-mail, decide that I don't have time to properly respond, and put it off. But eventually I DO get back to them.

Sigh. I feel like I'm stuck in this circle with no way out!

[mom2justynsarah]

I guess the whole "busy being mom" thing does get me. Especially since I'm not parenting children, I guess I feel like she thinks I don't understand. I really do, I was brought up in an uber-busy large family, I get the chaos. And I certainly don't want her to ignore DD or her sibs to cater to me, KWIM? I'm not looking to be a priority, I very much understand, but I'm sad always feeling like I'm always relegated to the bottom of the "to-do list". If she said "Look, my life is a little full right now, and since I don't think telling DD about you is the best thing, I think it's best we maybe wait to build this relationship when I think she is ready." I'd be like OKAY!!!!!! I'm not adverse to doing the right thing, even if it means I get cut off. Because at least I KNOW. But I can't walk away, because if I did, I'd look like I was disappearing again. And I don't think she truly wants me to leave, I think she feels it's OK to leave me in limbo. And it's not OK.

As an amom, I am saddened by your pain. But I don't think she is intentionally trying to hurt you or keep you in limbo. I do think she is conflicted as her actions (or lack of) speak louder than words.

I would definetly write her a letter with exactly what you wrote in the above paragraph. If she doesn't respond, (and personally I think she would be very selfish not to) at least you know where you currently stand. You can move forward knowing that your conscience is clear.

[thanksgivingmom]

This sucks Brown.

Everyone has said really positive things about what you can do in this situation - and what you can't. I know all that stuff too, but I'm pretty much just here to say that this sucks.

I'm right there with you, but 15 years behind you.

The whole - how do you play a game in which you know none of the rules - thing is huge. It speaks volumes about the power struggle that is so unfair. And I know, whining about things being unfair is immature, and it's really better to be the bigger person.

I just you know? I hate that this is happening to me and to you and to our other friends. And that it seems that there really isn't anything we can do to change it besides keeping out heads on straight and doing what we're doing. Because for me, what we're doing is so emotionally draining and tiring. It's like something you said earlier Brown! I really feel like I am asking out the same guy on a date OVER AND OVER again. And he turns me down EVERY time, but you know next Friday I'm gonna ask him out again. And every time I get turned down I feel pathetic all over again....

Bleh!

Hugs to you and Brandy

[lahdh4]

Originally Posted by browneyes0707

I'm sorry to ramble on, AGAIN about the same old thing but I had to. I know I'm not alone and that's the sad part.

Oh yeah you are not alone.
I did what I was told I would need to do to get a visit and I have heard nothing.
I discussed it with E yesterday and I think she is at the point that she is going to call and ask them what is going on.
I hate the fact that we follow the rules and get nothing. We are respectful and get nothing.
You know I am here to listen. Not that I have much else to offer.

"We're busy" is just a pet peeve of mine now. I am busy as well but I call a person when they ask me a question.