[Mommy24]

Over the last couple of days I have read a few posts on the topic of "earning" the title of mom. Some believe that in order to wear the "title" you have to physically be there with your child everyday for a lifetime, that if your not there to wipe their tears, calm their fears, etc....then you have not earned the title thus you should sit back and accept whatever title is given to you.I beg to differ! I am not my son's parent, nor am I his only mom, but I was his first mom and I will always be his first mom. I would NEVER try to take his mother's place, I can not do that nor do I wish to, but I earned the title of first mom when I nurtured him in the womb for 9 months, when I lost sleep over the most important decision ever to be made on his behalf, when I dried my tears knowing that I could not give him the life he deserved.

So, can you only earn the "title" if you are an active role in the child's life, or is giving birth and loving your child so much that you wanted the best for them enough to be able to think of yourself as a "mom"?

[quantum]

I'm with you Michelle.
I think Mom is a title that can be used in many circumstances. My best friend since we were 12 calls my mom 'Mom'. And she's only stayed overnight a few times. For her I think it's more a term of affection.
My sister-in-law calls my mom 'Mom' as well...

I think it's a lot about comfort level for people. Personally (and I mean in my opinion only!) I am definately mom to the girls I'm raising, but I am also one ofmy son's moms. He's got the mom who gave him life (me), the mom who raised him (amom) PLUS a stepmom.

I feel it's up to him what he calls us. I will always be his mom though! And he will always be my son.

[Leigh131313]

I am going to be as honest as I can about this. I do feel I need to say that these are my feelings - like them or not - this is how they are. I'm not trying to argue and I'm not posting this to debate.

I am an aparent who does not like the idea of my sons birthmom being called mom. I'm not ok with it. I will never be ok with it. I can bite my tongue and support my son, but i know my feelings will not change on this topic.

I do feel you earn the right to "be mom". Who gives you that priveledge? The child. I cannot give you that title or take it away. It is not mine to give. Personally I see "mom" in a very black and white way. I don't see the grey's that you see. I cannot tell you how my son will see it as he grows and develops.

To me - a step mom is not mom - she's a stepmom. A birthmom is not Mom, she's a birthmom.


I know for some an adoptive mom is also not mom.


My feelings don't come from a place of wanting to belittle his birthmom or hide from the fact that she created and gave birth from him. I think she has a very significant role in his life but I do not see it as a parental role.

or is giving birth and loving your child so much that you wanted the best for them enough to be able to think of yourself as a "mom"?

Now this is the key for me....in my thinking, you absolutely can.

I think the difference for me, is that you said, "think of yourself as a "mom"" as opposed to saying "thinking of yourself as "mom""

it may seem like an insignificant distinction - but to me it is huge. It is the difference between me completely agreeing with you or completely disagreeing.

[bromanchik]

What Makes a Mother?

Some would say it is the days spent comforting a crying babe spent rocking a feverish toddler.

Spent cleaning up after a child. Who ate one too many hot dogs.

They would say it is the nights. Spent listening to the breathing of an infant.

Spent listening for the sound of a car in the driveway. Borrowed by a 16 year old with a new license.

And they would be right.

But . . . Some would say it is the days spent singing softly to an unborn child.

Spent gently stroking a baby within spent loving a part of themselves. Felt, but unseen.

They would say it is also the nights. Spent listening for an answer.

Spent listening for their baby's first cry.

Spent listening to the silence of a void that can never be filled.

And they would be right as well. They have both earned their motherhood.

They both deserve to be remembered. And honored.

-Brenda Romanchik

[serenachablis]

Beautiful poem. It rings so true for me.

[JPDakota]

My opinion only, but the OP was asking for opinions. There is no way I would ever call or otherwise refer to my "birth mother" as my Mother, nor my Mom. She didn't raise me. She was never anywhere near me after birth. Procreation just doesn't get it done for me, not in the "Mother" category. I am not angry with her, whoever she is, but she is decidedly not my Mom.

[Rifilanna]

I think it is important that birth mothers/first mothers are called mothers, or we go to a place where birth mothers become invisable or incubators. There is nothing else for me to be but a Mom, what else to we want to call carrying a child for nine months? Not to call birth mothers/first mothers "mothers" in some fasion is to negate the reality of birth--which just becomes bizzare for me. I don't think the title "mother" is really earned, I belive it is a fact for a birth mother, for an amother, for women who are parenting or gave birth with any number of differnt outcomes.

[crick]

When I think about first moms who made a plan for their unborn child and did everything they can to ensure their child will be cared for, make a committment to be involved in their lives through open adoption or even just providing information for their child they know will be important to them and put their children's lives before their own....isn't that what a mom does? Puts herself before her kids? Makes sure they are safe? Loves them?

If a mom in a foreign country knows her child will be killed because of various reasons, and she makes sure that child escapes harm, usually we say what a brave selfless act and I doubt many would then say "Well, she didn't raise her child so she's no longer a mom". So why is it different for another firstmom to make a plan for her child's well being?

When my children first arrived, I was mom and I had no papers yet stating that legally. I had met them about 5 times and hadn't really done anything to earn that title at all. And yet...I was mom. I felt I was a mom because I made a committment to the kids and at the moment I made that committment to them, I became their mom. Many people would argue that I was in fact NOT their mom, but to me, I was.

Would seem awfully silly to me if I then decided well, their firstmom is no longer a mom at all, when I felt at the moment I met my children or really from the moment I saw their picture, I was their mom. If I think about it, what right did I have to be called mom at that point in time? Surely the firstmom had that right and the reasons for her being a mom don't change now since nothing can erase her creation, carrying and giving life? Nothing erases the years she did care for her children, even if not done right. Do I think she was a good mom? No, but that doesn't mean she wasn't a mom at all. If she used her role of giving birth to say she was the true and only mom, that would irk me because the other part of motherhood is raising a child. So if I'm a mom because I'm doing the second part, I don't feel I can deny her role in the first part and I can't say she isn't a real mom. How we play out our roles is different and how we are seen is different, but we are both moms.

My children might grow up thinking differently; I don't know. If they don't call her mom or if they do call her mom, that is their decision to make. I'll have bridges to cross over and over when life changes if she re-enters our lives. But she's still going to be a mom, regardless of what happens and so will I.

[loveajax]

I guess I see it as two different issues. First, is a birth mother a "mother" or a "mom." I don't think there's really any denying that. I also think that people should be allowed to "identify" themselves as they see fit (I am personally not a fan of the term "natural mother" in particular, but hey, why would I care if my DD's birth mom referred to herself that way). But the second issue is can a birth mom EXPECT that her birth child will call her "mom" or see her as "mom" or even "another mom" -- I think the answer is no. It may happen, but it may not, you know? Some kids view "mom" as the everyday parent (that is true for my DH and his two sibs); some may view both as "mom" and some may view only birth mom as "mom."

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Mommy24

Over the last couple of days I have read a few posts on the topic of "earning" the title of mom. Some believe that in order to wear the "title" you have to physically be there with your child everyday for a lifetime, that if your not there to wipe their tears, calm their fears, etc....then you have not earned the title thus you should sit back and accept whatever title is given to you.I beg to differ! I am not my son's parent, nor am I his only mom, but I was his first mom and I will always be his first mom. I would NEVER try to take his mother's place, I can not do that nor do I wish to, but I earned the title of first mom when I nurtured him in the womb for 9 months, when I lost sleep over the most important decision ever to be made on his behalf, when I dried my tears knowing that I could not give him the life he deserved.

So, can you only earn the "title" if you are an active role in the child's life, or is giving birth and loving your child so much that you wanted the best for them enough to be able to think of yourself as a "mom"?

I would add that if a woman loses a full term baby before or after birth to death, is she still a mother?

I say yes, she will not wipe tears, or kiss boo boo's, but she is still a mother of that child, she just doesn't get to raise her baby.

I am the mother of a son born in 1965, I was not allowed to raise him becasue I was too young. I am his mother, just not the mother who raised him.

But upon reunion, it is his choice whether or not he will ever call me mom. I cannot ask it of him, I cannot demand it of him, it is not my name of his growing years. I want it, I would love it, but it no longer mine by right, not anymore. I still call him son, I always have. He is my first son, my first child, I loved him first.

That doesn't mean I love him better, just first and longer. It is a fact, a physical biological fact. I loved him from the moment I knew I was pregnant. He was my child, I was going to be his mother.

I can not change what happened. But not raising him does not erase my roll or who I was in his beginning of his life.

my thoughts.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

I am going to be as honest as I can about this. I do feel I need to say that these are my feelings - like them or not - this is how they are. I'm not trying to argue and I'm not posting this to debate.

I am an aparent who does not like the idea of my sons birthmom being called mom. I'm not ok with it. I will never be ok with it. I can bite my tongue and support my son, but i know my feelings will not change on this topic.

I do feel you earn the right to "be mom". Who gives you that priveledge? The child. I cannot give you that title or take it away. It is not mine to give. Personally I see "mom" in a very black and white way. I don't see the grey's that you see. I cannot tell you how my son will see it as he grows and develops.

To me - a step mom is not mom - she's a stepmom. A birthmom is not Mom, she's a birthmom.


I know for some an adoptive mom is also not mom.


My feelings don't come from a place of wanting to belittle his birthmom or hide from the fact that she created and gave birth from him. I think she has a very significant role in his life but I do not see it as a parental role.



Now this is the key for me....in my thinking, you absolutely can.

I think the difference for me, is that you said, "think of yourself as a "mom"" as opposed to saying "thinking of yourself as "mom""

it may seem like an insignificant distinction - but to me it is huge. It is the difference between me completely agreeing with you or completely disagreeing.

I too am a step mom, my step kids 2 of the 3, came to live with us at about 12 and 15, I finished raising them.
I helped deliver my stepdau's two children.
I took her youngest at age 3 and raised her for 4 years while the stepdau got her life together.

Since the ex wife kicked out the two kids, and has never seen her own grandchildren..

I am the ONLY mother the grandchildren know, I am the only mother my step dau has since she was 15. I am not the mother she wanted, but I was the one she ended up with.

So, I am her mother, but she calls me by my first name. If you ask her who her mother is, she says me. Her mom who raised her for 15 years, may be her mother, but not the mother who was there when it counted.

But her mother is still her mother and I am sorry the woman is such a jerk. I am sorry that stepdau doesn't want a relationship, I am sorry she can't have one, after all, the ex wife is her mother.

But for some reason, to me, when a a-parent protests that a bmom not be able to call herself the mother of her bio child given up for adoption. It sounds, just a little like that aparent trying to wipe the bmom off the face of the earth.

Becasue if the adopted child didn't have a bio mother first, then there wouldn't have been a child to adopt.

just thoughts, you don't have to agree

[manni28]

I think each woman has a right to call herself what ever she wants-both are mothers but with very different roles.

-Manni28

[BrandyHagz]

I am always kind of surprised, given all the threads created about family/friends referring to children as ‘adoptive children’ why we get so hung up (and are ok) with this label.

Labels don’t define roles. Actions define roles.

Applying a label to something (or someone) places it/them in a box where the label defines who they are, rather than allowing actions to play a part.

If I personally used some of the definitions posted here to define what a mother is in my life, I would have no one to call mom.

In the end, I firmly believe it should be up to the child (or adult, if the child is grown) as to what ‘label’ they want to apply, if any.

My daughter has decided she wants to call me mom. At first, I wasn’t ‘in love’ with the idea – but after talking to her mom and then talking to her, I decided I was ok with it.

In her words – “I really feel sorry for people who don’t have two moms to love them, like I do.”

It’s a personal preference – some people will always feel a sense of entitlement when it comes to ‘mom’ – they feel that using it without a qualifier for other people, somehow diminishes their role in their child’s life. That’s something those folks will have to work through.

Of course, I also think a lot changes with age. I’d love to revisit this topic in ten years, with the same open adoption adoptive moms that have posted here – and see if they still feel the same way.

This was certainly the case in my situation.

[wilted rose]

As I responded on another similar thread on the adoptee forum, I think alot of this discussion stems from the emotional implication of possession, obligation to that which is implied by another party. My opinion motherhood need not be exclusive, the bottom line if you consider yourself mother, mom, etc. then you are; conversly, others don't have to like it...
I have three Moms, I consider myself very blessed!
Rose

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by JPDakota

My opinion only, but the OP was asking for opinions. There is no way I would ever call or otherwise refer to my "birth mother" as my Mother, nor my Mom. She didn't raise me. She was never anywhere near me after birth. Procreation just doesn't get it done for me, not in the "Mother" category. I am not angry with her, whoever she is, but she is decidedly not my Mom.

No one is asking you to call her mom.

But is she had aborted you, then she couldn't call herself mother of anyone.

For nine months she, assuming she did, took care of her body so that you would be born healthy.

It is possible that she dreamed of raising you, care for you, and it just didn't work out.

She may have cried for you, looked into the face of every baby she saw longing for you.

That is what mothers do who lose babies.

Whether they lose them to adoption, or death.

The loss is the same.

In the death of a child, at least you know where you baby is, in the hands of your god.

I bson only calls me mom when talking about me to others. He doesn't call me mom othewise. I only know this becasue when he and my raise son went out drinking, everyone bson talked to , he told them about his mom, me. If it only happens when we are around, so be it. But since he talks about me to knew girlfriends, he must talk about me to others.

But you know, I don't really care all that much if he ever calls me mom, he calls me ever week, that is far more important.