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#46
09-23-2007, 05:01 AM
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My daughter will make her own decisions and be supported in whatever she chooses to do. I had her meet one of the birth moms relatives...an aunt who it was reported to us as being so upset because she wasn't going to see her anymore. When she stepped in the door my daughter began to scream and ran from our entry way to the living room when she tried to make herself vomit...she started screaming Mom, Dad, and K; she cried so hard she couldn't talk. I had to take my daughter upstairs and explain to her that this woman loved her and wanted to see her again and she is your biological Aunt. It didn't work out in the long run as this Aunt began bio mom bashing and later I found out she was amom bashing too. We never saw her again and ultimatley found out that she was jealous of bmom (not about children) but about bmoms dad. I have never met my bmom. I don't know her. If she doesn't contact us thats fine. When my daughter grows up she can decide what she wants to do? We plan on emphasizing the positive things we have heard. The bfamily has alot of anger toward this adoption and alot of confusion reagarding bmoms decision. If she wants to be known as first mom she can talk about it with my daughter when she grows up. I just feel that some b-moms...(not you necessarily) have little respect for amoms and sometimes feel that we are a bridge over troubled waters. I have heard bfamilies say that they will be glad when my daughter meets her "real mother". Does that mean this is all pretend???? So what should my label be if bmom is first and real mom. Because I am in this to have a daughter and be a mom not a glorified babysitter. I know bmoms have had a horrible, heartwrenching decision to make but at the same time sometimes I feel that amoms are punished for wanting to adopt and for wanting to be called mom and made to feel that we owe everyone else everything because we were given a child. I want to give my child a wonderful normal life. She is a wonderful little girl and I feel hurt for her that her bmom isn't clear headed enought right now to come see her or even call to ask how she is. It's a great opportunity to be part of her life...it is good for her and good for my daughter. By the way this bmoms sister in law isn't allowed over to see us or her...again it's our decision right now she can decide later. I don't want the fact that she was adopted to be the main focus of her existance. She may meet someone when she's grown up that isn't me or bmom and decide that this is her "mom". Her having been adopted isn't the only thing going on in her life. Thanks for answering my questions. Kelly
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Kelly 
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#47
09-23-2007, 09:13 AM
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Wow and Ow
I read all of this thread during the past half hour and I have to say parts of it made me feel good and other parts scared me.
I am a birth mom, first mom, whaterver it is called I gave birth to a child in 1977. It was a very closed adoption when I relinquished, open adoption was never mentioned so I don't know if that was even an option. I don't believe it was though. I have two more children who call me Mom. Sometimes that is a meaning of endearment and sometimes it is a dirty word. These children have called me Mom since they could talk and I have cherished it most times. I say most because when they first learned talk it was beautiful to hear them call me Mama, Mom, or Mommy. Then when they got a little older and all they would say is Mama, Mom, or Mommy I wished for them to call for Daddy. They did sometimes but more times they just called for me. They got older and they got their own lives and Mama was gone, Mommy was reserved for when they were sick or hurt, Mom was the term I heard most and lots of time it was with a disgusted sound. Now these children are grown. They call me Mom but not as often as I would like. But as I sit here and think about all of this I believe that they don't call me as much because I have done my job well to this point. They are grown and secure (most of the time) in themselves so they don't need me as much. They don't need me for their everyday life events. The excitement of receiving the college diploma was an event to share, a fender bender was an event to share, but going to class and hanging out with friends after work just don't need to be shared anymore. I think I am okay with this. I know they will call when they need me. For many years I did not call my Mom more than once a month. I was busy with my life and didn't think I needed to call her. In recent years, I have realized that she is getting older and I call her sometimes everyday. Just to see if she has gone to the gym or what book she is reading currently. I am rambling but I guess what I am trying to say is being a Mom, Mother, Mama, or Mommy is being there when they need you and even when they don't. I am currently in reunion and we are scheduled to have our first face to face next Friday. I do not know how things will go. How things will progress. If things will progress. This adult I am meeting has parents that took care of her, loved her, raised her, and that she is very devoted to. I am thankful for this. This is what I wanted for her when I relinquished her. I wanted her to have a family that could give her all I could not. I wanted the world for her. These parents of hers, her Mom and Dad, gave her that. They are great parents from what I have been told. I do not want to take anything from them. They are her Mom and Dad. Not her aparents, her adopted parents, her second parents. They are her Mom and Dad. When I write on these forums I am unsure what to call her. I do not use her name as that is information I do not wish to share. I sometimes write bchild, bdaughter, daughter, child. I guess it depends on what I am writing about. Which text fits. I do know she was MY daughter and I was her Mom for 3 days. Then she became their daughter and they became her Mom and Dad. I do know that when I meet her on Friday I will call her by her given name. And I believe that she will call me by my given name. We are pretty much strangers (except through letters) after all. Do I wish for her to call me Mom? I don't know. Do I wish to call her my daughter? I am not sure. Don't get me wrong I am NOT embarrassed about her but I believe again, she comes first. She did not have a choice in the matter all those years ago but she does now. So we will do things how she wants (as long as no one will be hurt). Her Mom is her Mom and I would never try to take that from her any more than I would want someone to try to take that from me. I am sorry for such a long post but to me Mom is a title, a word of endearment, an honor, a privilege, a right, something earned, something that is a given. But ultimately it is her choice, not anyone elses. I am sorry for anyone who is hurt by not ever being called Mom. I am also sorry for anyone who is hurt by having to "share" being called Mom. But. . . I am thankful for this forum and all the wonderful people who post here and let their opinions be heard. I learn from these. I learn compassion and forgiveness. I learn so much more. Thank you for letting me share in your experiences and for listening to mine.
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These are just my thoughts and opinions. I hope I have not offended anyone. Thanks for listening.  TexasPuppy
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#48
09-23-2007, 10:40 AM
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To restate my stance, I am my daughter's mother, not her "Mom", not her only mother, not her adoptive mother, not her parental mother, but her birthmother.
The 48 hours after giving birth in which I spent at the hospital, I spent all my time asleep or holding my daughter. For the next two weeks, while she was in NICU, I held her every single day for hours. I would give my life for her. The pregnancy almost killed me, but I refused to abort, not even to save my own life. Once she was born, I loved her all the more. I do care for her. She is the most important person in my life beyond me, sometimes simply the most important. Or do you mean do I physically and financially take care of her? I have no legal right to do so, and her adoptive parents would have my head if I even tried, but I do my best. Before signing her over, in the hospital, I did feed, change, dress, and swaddle her, though. But I know my place. I am a great mother, and I think I would do a great job raising a child, but I gave mine up. I gave my word, and I will not go back on it. I don't remember the other criteria, but I'm not trying to be her "Mom". She already has one, and a good one at that. However, I will always be her mother, that is a fact granted to me by biology. Nothing will ever change that. I gave her a thorough medical history, a biological family tree, and a nice long letter, all for her first birthday. I also wrote a letter for her a-parents. Just in case anything happened to me, I wanted her to have all that. I gave her a teddy bear in the hospital, so she would have something familiar until she settled into her new home. It worked wonders. She has forgotten about it, but I still remember her a-parents saying thank you, and how she cried when it wasn't in her crib when she slept. (They needed to wash it.) I visit with her every year. I give her birthday presents every year, and she has been pleased with my selections, so far. I spend hours with her each visit. She enjoys our visits. It is a shame so many of you have had uncaring, or merely absent, birthmothers, but I have done everything I could to make my daughter's life better. I'm sure I haven't earned the title "Mom", but I was her mother from the day she was born. My role has shifted to birthmother, but all the while I've tried to do my best for her.
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#49
09-23-2007, 10:52 AM
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If we lose a child to death, are we less that childs mother?
I don't think so, I think we are always that childs mother. We just are not the mother raising the child. They are always a part of us, forever. Just not the everyday part. hugs Quote:
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Teri picture is me & bson 3 months after reunion
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#50
09-23-2007, 12:55 PM
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Agree with you about that one Scarlett.
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    Liable to Change http://lhjh4.wordpress.com/ "One day I will be faith filled I'll be trusting and spacious, authentic and grounded and home" Alannis -- Incomplete No day but today.... Rent I can't remember to forget you
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#51
09-23-2007, 01:29 PM
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[quote=ecs5298]
I just feel that some b-moms...(not you necessarily) have little respect for amoms and sometimes feel that we are a bridge over troubled waters. I have heard bfamilies say that they will be glad when my daughter meets her "real mother". Does that mean this is all pretend???? So what should my label be if bmom is first and real mom. Because I am in this to have a daughter and be a mom not a glorified babysitter. I know bmoms have had a horrible, heartwrenching decision to make but at the same time sometimes I feel that amoms are punished for wanting to adopt and for wanting to be called mom and made to feel that we owe everyone else everything because we were given a child. Your simply "Mom", not second, not adoptive, just MOM. But because I did the best thing I could have for my child, I need a qualifier (First) or I am told I don't have the "right" to call myself a mom, this is my problem. Thanks for all of your replies, I guess for me it comes down to what our hearts tell us. My son will likely never call me mom and that is ok, I will always respect his decisions, to me that is what I am suppose to do, his needs and wishes above my own no matter how painful it might be. But no one can take away the feelings of my heart, he is my son, I am "one" of his mom's, always in my heart. ETA: We are all REAL, I am sorry you have had to hear that. As for respect for aparents, I have great respect for his parents, even though I have struggled with the lack of respect they have shown me. I kept my end of the agreement. They did not.
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Community Moderator Michelle "I have learned that people won't remember what you said to them, they won't remember what you did to them, but they will always remember how you made them feel" Last edited by Mommy24 : 09-23-2007 at 01:33 PM.
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#52
09-23-2007, 03:42 PM
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I think where the difficulty with the word "Mom" occurs is in the expectations or assumptions of what the word carries, and where the most difficulty with the word "mom" occurs are often situations where there is not common agreement on boundaries or roles.
And where there is not common agreement or mutual respect (whether warranted or unwarranted- just to cover all the bases) then there will be conflict and discomfort about both the terms and the roles. And the words "mom" or "mother" much as we may try to unload them, are pretty emotionally loaded. How and when any party uses the terms may be what gains its acceptance or rejection by another party. I struggle with this. Sometimes I am at peace with being his mom and accepting her in his life as another mother. Sometimes I want to throw a tantrum and feel like saying "No she's not! I'm the only mom!" It's just not an easy thing. I remember when she was here for their first meeting and we took her to his high school to look around and we found his coach and he introduced her as "This is M, my mom." I nearly lost my breath and had to leave the room and take a walk to breathe and slow my heart rate down. I'm not denying that she's his mother but hearing him say that so soon after we all just met: "This is my mom" felt like I'd just been tossed to the sideline. I imagine it's also hard for first moms to hear their children refer to other women as "my mom"....I doubt it's an easy or simple thing to hear, or read. I've heard more than one first mom describe moments of hearing their children say something to that effect ("My mom", "my mommy", etc) and being reduced to tears and having to leave the room to gather themselves. With adoption, it's the way it is. There are 2 women who each have been or are mothers to the child, and that's just the truth. ...but that doesn't make it a simple thing the deal with. It's probably not often (though I'm sure there are many cases) that either side relishes and enjoys being one of two. It's more something with which we each have to come to terms, at least it is for me. My son just told me, 6 months later, that their first phone coversation that I set up by contacting her with our phone number and an invitation of day/time to call- consisted mostly of her saying "I'm your mom, I'm your real mother, I'm your mom, I'm your real mother." She's also signed her written communications, "Love, Mom" Well, she is his mother. But because we are not on the same page about how & when to use it and what it means, it's just going to be a struggle for me. Hopefully, it won't be forever, but it is now.
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Just a woman trying to be worthy of the name Mother.
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#53
09-23-2007, 04:56 PM
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to me, I was a mom, and I was his mom for 9 months and a few days. But I would never had said to my son, even though he was 33 at time, the I was his "real mom" he knew what I was to him, and that wasn't "mom" in the sense of the everyday part of being a parent. What we as bmom's call ourselves really doesn't matter as much as that we have to acknowledge that to our birth child, young or old, we are not "the" mom. If the said child/adult says to us, you are my mom too, they heck it is Christmas.. but that doesn't give us rights to step in and act as mom. My bson has said, when he asks for advice, that I can give it just as I would his half sibs. But even with this permission I am careful. I wasn't there when he grew up. If I think there is something wrong it is too late to correct it. I can't fix what I wasn't there to participate in. I can only be there now, and react with him as grown up to grown up. My issues, he asks for money, not little money, big money, and I don't have it. In my world, you don't have the money you don't buy it. You save for it. Drives me crazy. Pay cash don't buy on credit, except for house and maybe a car. But I won't go there, I won't sell my love nor buy his. He knows that, but that doesn't stop him from asking. I love him, but he was given everything he wanted and still tries to get what he wants now and not wait. He is doing the same thing to his kids. drives me crazy.
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Teri picture is me & bson 3 months after reunion
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#54
09-23-2007, 05:18 PM
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I am so sorry about your circumstances with your aparents and their lack of respect and for not keeping their agreement. Your son will know the truth and come to his own conclusions...he is your biological son. I do know after talking to alot of adoptees that they don't want anyone set of their parents biological or adopted to feel disrespected or lied too.
The one thing I know is what goes around comes around. You'll always be loved and respected at some level by your son...if not you got it here. Thanks for everything...Kelly
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Kelly
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#55
09-23-2007, 05:19 PM
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The above from ecs is for Michelle.
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Kelly
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#56
09-23-2007, 05:42 PM
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Kelly (((hugs))) Thanks!!
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Community Moderator Michelle "I have learned that people won't remember what you said to them, they won't remember what you did to them, but they will always remember how you made them feel"
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#57
09-23-2007, 10:20 PM
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I think one of the reasons some threads can go at cross purposes is because I would imagine that most of the people here are trying to make their adoption situations better and trying to learn and to help each other...but for some of us the "other half" of our adoptions, not on the boards, may or may not be doing the same thing...and so here we all are each with our hurts and challenges here on the boards and each speaking from our own situations, yet without the abilty to change our situations on our own...which can make it more frustrating. I'm sorry when either side is not respected by the other. I'm sorry that your contact was suddenly ended and I hope you and his amom can find your way back to working together.
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Just a woman trying to be worthy of the name Mother.
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