[lahdh4]

I am trying to understand my situation alittle better.
I am trying to look at things from L's point of view.

Are birthparents really a threat to adoptive parents?

I ask because my therapist is trying to make me see things from a different angle because of the way things are looking right now.
How am I a threat?
I don't get any 1on1 time with Supergirl. L is always in the room. I think besides the time at the hospital, I have had 10-15 seconds of alone time with Supergirl. No I am not making it up. L is always in the room with us.

[Leigh131313]

Yes, some aparents (and people in general) can feel the presence of a birthparent can be threatening to the adoptive family.

here are some links to some current threads that discuss some of these feelings

A little bit of honesty...the word "Mom".

Here is my truth..what's yours



For me, I know if our situation was closed I'd feel VERY threatened by the idea of a birthmom. I know because when we first looked into adoption i wanted to be in a closed international situation. I didn't like (and frankly still don't care for) the idea of another "mom". I worried that we would be treated as babysitters by birthfamily.

Now that I am IN an open adoption - I don't feel threatened by his birthmom. I really like her. Her presence has actually helped to ease my fears as opposed to increasing my anxieties.

There are times I read things on here and think - omg, that birthmom would freak the crap out of me.....so I'm not saying that all aparents who have fears about birthparents are over reacting.

and I even understand how someone can want a closed adoption - and still not feel threatened by a birthparent - just that they feel it is best for their family.

I'm not sure how much I helped...but do check outthose threads.

[lahdh4]

It isn't even the mom factor. L is mom, I am L (my name). She makes the decisions. I don't. I clear gift ideas with her.

[thanksgivingmom]

I've been thinking about this a lot recently too Leigh, thanks for starting this post.

The "here's my truth" post really did open my eyes to some feelings I hadn't thought about aparents having...

It's so funny to me that A's mom could see me as a threat when she's the one with all the power in the situation...

[SchmennaLeigh]

As for what to do about it, Leigh (lahdh4), I suppose you can only continue to be yourself, presenting that self in a non-confrontational manner and just... keep on. It sucks. It's unfair, especially when you do so much work to make sure Supergirl's Mom IS respected and so on. It's unfair and angering.

How is your therapist telling you to look at things? Perhaps we can toss out some legitimate ideas.

[austin0i]

First let me say this is a great thread.

I am coming from an older perspective, as an adoptee that is now in reunion with her birth mom at 39.

I can tell you I struggled with what to call her. My struggle was not what I felt, but rather what would my mom (amom) would think and feel. I came to the conclusion that my struggle wasn’t about what I wanted, but rather about my consideration for others, specifically my mom (amom). I am not sure that is fair to put on the adoptee.

So, I don’t want to offend the amoms here and I surely do not want to devalue them in anyway. I love my mom with all my heart, but clearly my birth mom is my mom too. I felt an immediate connection to her which I could not deny, it and I knew right away this woman is my mother.

So, I chose to call her mom because I am old enough to understand that I have two moms.

I guess what I am trying to say, from the adoptee perspective there is a birth bond there between mother and child that is instinctual.

I call my birthmother mom, because she feels like mom.

I call my amom mom, because she feels like mom.

Confusing?

Probably, but reality for some adoptees.

[SchmennaLeigh]

austin0i; Thank you for adding your perspective here. It's one that both kinds of moms (adoptive and birth) can benefit from hearing. I never, in any way, want to place my child in a situation where she feels that I'm forcing my own issues on her (regarding mom/not-mom/etc). Something very important to keep in mind, no?

[loveajax]

Landh, I don't know your child's a mom, so obviously I don't know the deal.

Did she struggle with infertility/pg loss? I have to say as an infertile woman, I have suffered my own losses and come from that history of pain. When you finally have a child, you want to say "PHEW!" this is my kid...i"m just like everyone else. I'm normal!!!" Well, the reality is (of course) that adoption is complex and there is I think a certain "selfishness" to wanting to mother "free" of anyone else or any other considerations. I'm not saying it's right...but sometimes it just is. (Just trying to give you a little perspective here....I think it's (obviously) easier to "understand" the pain of birth moms because it's such a palpable loss. But many times a moms come to adoption with their own histories of pain and loss, etc. (not all, obviously). And it can cause insecurities, etc. - - in other words, I bet it has nothing to do with YOU as YOU at all, kwim?).

Good luck. I hope you can come to a good place.

[crick]

I don’t claim to have any answers, but I had some thoughts on “perspectives” and wanted to share. None of this is “how I feel” or “how we all feel”, just a collection of possibilities really.

When you get pregnant, you are automatically a mom. You carry the child, you keep her safe, healthy and loved for 9 months and then you do all the work to give her life when you give birth. And there's no question at all that you are mom. You might not raise her, but having a bio child is an automatic "pass" to motherhood and it’s not questioned at all that you are a mom. The role/validity your motherhood plays might be/is questioned, but not the simple fact that you are a mother.

When an adoptive mom becomes a mom, she doesn’t get that “pass”. Perhaps she has dealt with infertility, grief, loss, anger, and a realization that she can’t be a mom the way she’d like to be. Then another option occurs and a change in plan is made to adoption. Now there’s the “jumping through the hoops” during the process, and in order to be a mom, someone else makes that decision for her. There's no control over this aspect of when she becomes a mom or even how sometimes. And until someone else says, "you are good enough to be a mom", it doesn't happen. You aren't "worthy" of being a mom until someone says your application is accepted, your mental, physical health is good, you have the correct answers on your forms, and says, “Proceed to GO”. Then you proceed to the part where another woman says "I deem you worthy of raising my child" or a sw says, "I feel you will be the right mother for these children who need parents".

We also don’t have 9 months of true preparation to motherhood. Sure, we can do the mechanics, but we are not emotionally truly attached in the same way that a mom carrying her child is. We might feel an immediate connection so to speak to the unborn child or even an older child, but we work hard to not accept this because it isn’t our child yet and might not ever be our child. We know logically going into this, that we will be another mom; not the only mom. We prepare for that too, the best we can. We know these hoops we need to jump through, but that doesn’t mean we have the full understanding of what all will happen later.

When so much time, energy and emotion is spent PRIOR to becoming a mom, sometimes the reality doesn't hit at all that we really are moms. And even if the reality hits and we can truly believe and accept that we are moms now, we have fought so long and so hard to get to this point that the fear of anything happening to overturn this can be pretty powerful. If someone else can make the decision for us to become mothers then someone else can decide we really shouldn’t be after all. And even if the decision stands and it’s final, we might feel a bit of “I need to hold really tight now because I’m finally here and can’t bear to lose/share etc. my child!” It doesn’t even need to be a threat of physically losing the child, just an emotional loss of not being a mom in every which way. It also means there can be an emotional “removal” in that we might fear our child can decide/feel/say that we aren’t mothers after all. Doesn’t mean there is necessarily a logical thought process, just means that the emotions can be there.

Similar to a first mom’s range of emotions…some things just don’t surface until years later. Just as with anything, it’s a cycle and it ebbs and flows. Emotions can get put aside because it’s easier to deal with the mechanics of the adoption process, and really there’s no way to prepare for certain emotions we might have. Sometimes that means, those emotions don’t surface or get dealt with until later, when it starts to sink in and sometimes you’ll act and do things to protect that even if there’s nothing logically to protect. Throw the child into all of this (yes, I know I’ve not even touched on the child who should be the priority above all!), who hopefully grows up with a voice to share their own feelings and thoughts and wanting to do right by them, we have even more things to consider and balance.

As for your personal situation…maybe there’s not even a feeling of threat or anything else towards you personally. She might say you are a threat, but in reality it just might not be specifically you at all. I’m not saying any of it is your burden to carry, because it isn’t. If there’s anything she is going through, it’s hers to own up to and deal with. I always say feelings/emotions are fine no matter what they are, but it’s our actions that need to be “right”. Maybe nothing above would resonate with her at all, and she’s just in a power play or not willing to honor her promise to you. I really don’t know, but hope you find the answers you are looking for, and above all I really hope for a change in your relationship.

[Leigh131313]

great post crick.

[HOPEFULINPA]

I second that..REALLY great post Crick. Hit it right on the head for me and how I feel. It all comes down to insecurity on my part I guess. I pray every night he will always love me like he does right now and if and when he meets his bio mom he won't love her more.

[loveajax]

Crick, I am going to send your post to a couple of friends of mine if you don't mind...I thought it nailed it right on the head. thanks. (sorry, don't mean to hijack, landh).

[crick]

thanks..and feel free to share. I actually had more but figured I better stop before the novella became a novel.

On a personal level, I've been doing a lot of thinking about this kind of thing the last month. I am 5 years into motherhood and lately there's been some changes and "issues". Reflection has been good for me in many ways really...to touch back on some things I've felt over the years and how I feel now. Truly is amazing how much of adoption, no matter what part of the triad we belong to is a cycle. And even more...how similar they can be.

[browneyes0707]

I'm loving a lot of these threads lately. Honestly they bring a perspective to the table that for some reason I hadn't seen before, or maybe allow myself to see.

L, I know your story and I share your pain. As a birthparent it's one thing (and I hope I don't offend) when there are conflicts with boundaries and lack of contact when there is other issues to contend with (lack of respect for a-mom, repeated broken promises to the children, etc) that may cause any mother to question contact. But when you ARE respectful and you DO act in a positive manner it is SO HARD to wrap your head around the fact that you are not being treated with that same respect back. YOU know that you are not a threat, your actions convey you are not a threat so why are you being treated as such?

Sometimes it really doesn't have anything to do with us. The same way we feel insecure of our role in our child's life, so does an adoptive mother for the mirror image reason. And that for me has been hard for me to wrap my head around, tho I think I 'm getting better with processing it.

Crick is 110% right in that it is for DD's a mom to own up to, and not to project on you. That to me is where it is so unfair in your situation. In the same manner that your therapist is trying to get you to see her side, I wish there was someone on her side to be trying to help her see yours. Pushing you out of the picture so to speak is not only unfair to you, but so unfair to your DD. And in the end she is the one who will have to answer to DD if she questions the reasons why you were unable to continue to be in her life.

I wish that insight comes to her, and I really hope one day that your relationship works out somehow!

[bethy724]

I'm a foster/adoptive mom & just want to add my 2 cents. I am not threatened by my sons birthmom; but have feelings of jealousy & sadness. I'm sure it sounds selfish but I am jealous that she created & carried him. I am jealous that he has her teeth & eyes. I know he is my son but also know that his birthmom is hurting somewhere & wondering about him-I don't feel like everybody involved in his being taken into foster care & adoption feels great about the whole thing. The happiest day of my life is the saddest day of her (& his brothers) life
I don't know if this is the perspective you considered, but it is mine. Maybe aparents that are "threatened" are just masking insecurities.