[loveajax]

I'm sorry, Leigh......

This is going to sound horrible, but I hope that you can take it as a "compliment" to you...

DD's birth parents are GREAT...really, realy nice people and so respectful fo us....And I like to think we are respectful of them as well ( actually, I know we are).

You know what's "scary" sometimes to me....DD's birth parents could definitely have parented her ....and very well (they parent two other children)....And sometimes the "better adjusted' and "more loving, normal" birth mom, the HARDER OA is...you know? It's like it's MORE threatening in that darnit, DD's birth parents could be parenting her and well....I know that's so hard...b/c it's like "heads I win" (I have a dysfunctional birth family and don't want contact), tails you lose (i have a great birth family that makes me insecure)....I'm sorry!!!!

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by HOPEFULINPA

I second that..REALLY great post Crick. Hit it right on the head for me and how I feel. It all comes down to insecurity on my part I guess. I pray every night he will always love me like he does right now and if and when he meets his bio mom he won't love her more.

Dear Hopefulinpa, I hear your fears and prayers. As a biomom in reunion I think about D's amom a lot. One of the things I love about D is that he clearly loves S and she is his mom. Our relationship is strong and good, but not the same as the one with S. (This actually makes me happy, since that's what I hoped for him when I placed him for adoption -- I wanted him to parents who loved him and whom he loves.)

I think it can help all of us if we can remember that love is not like a pie: love expands - the more we love, the more love we have to share. If we can keep from making our children feel they have to choose between us, we will all benefit.

[lahdh4]

Originally Posted by loveajax

I'm sorry, Leigh......

This is going to sound horrible, but I hope that you can take it as a "compliment" to you...

DD's birth parents are GREAT...really, realy nice people and so respectful fo us....And I like to think we are respectful of them as well ( actually, I know we are).

You know what's "scary" sometimes to me....DD's birth parents could definitely have parented her ....and very well (they parent two other children)....And sometimes the "better adjusted' and "more loving, normal" birth mom, the HARDER OA is...you know? It's like it's MORE threatening in that darnit, DD's birth parents could be parenting her and well....I know that's so hard...b/c it's like "heads I win" (I have a dysfunctional birth family and don't want contact), tails you lose (i have a great birth family that makes me insecure)....I'm sorry!!!!

No need to apologize. I am still having a hard time trying to get my heart to listen. It sucks. Reading your post reminds me of some things that have happened and L and I responed the same way. Things that we agreed on about Supergirl learning to swim and playing and things like that.
Right now my heart is hurting because I haven't seen her since last year. I hurt because I cannot call up and ask for a visit. I hurt because I cannot ask for things and continue to be a doormat and accept whatever is given to me.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by lahdh4

Are birthparents really a threat to adoptive parents?

How am I a threat?

I don't get any 1on1 time with Supergirl. L is always in the room. I think besides the time at the hospital, I have had 10-15 seconds of alone time with Supergirl. No I am not making it up. L is always in the room with us.

I don't know how you are a threat Leigh. This whole thread has been a real eye-opener for me, to see how others see their relationships with first parents and adoptive parents and how that reflects on how I see the relationship with my kids' first parents. Because frankly, as I read through the responses on both sides, all I could think was that (and don't take this the wrong way) I honestly feel at times that I "wish" that I felt "threatened" a bit by the first parents of my kids because then that would mean that they were as invested in the relationship as I was. That is pretty convuluted (my spelling stinks) I know (I am in therapy right now trying to sort through all that has happened these last nine years) but that is how I feel.

I sometime come away from some of these "conversations" unbelieving that people like you Leigh, who want so much to be a part of your child's life are not being allowed in and here I sit, longing for the first parents of my kids to be a part of their kid's lives and they don't seem interested (now I know that not to be true... their level of interest IN OUR SITUATIONS may not be the key... they are struggling to survive right now... we're not even on the radar of their life). How does it work out that way?? And am honestly jealous that we aren't dealing with arranging visits and negotiating boundaries and growing relationships. Others might say "you have it good" and I have been told that before by people. But I don't feel that way AT ALL. I know that the first parents of my kids aren't all that healthy or ready right now (and pray that each day is one day closer to them being ready but I grieve that for them and for us and most of all, for Bug and Roo.

So that said, as jumbled up as it sounds, I have a hard time understanding the whole "feeling threatened" thing that other aparents feel so deeply. And it is not that I'm am all that secure yet as a mother as in "will I be enough for them if their first parents never come back into our lives?" (thus the therapy!) but that they're not ready so I deal with the sadness of not having them in our lives. I cannot even imagine how it must feel to have the aparents of your child not keep up their end of the agreement. I am sure it hurts more than you can express.

[lahdh4]

I get jealous of those birthparents who have aparents call them up and just talk to them. Invite them over, send them numerous number of pictures, etc.
Don't you just hate it? You on one side of it and me on another wanting the same thing?

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by lahdh4

Don't you just hate it? You on one side of it and me on another wanting the same thing?

This is exactly what I hopd you would hear. There are some of us who, the calling, the visits... were what we signed up for and like you, are left disappointed as well and trying to figure out what it means to all of us, most especially our children. And I never dreamed, although we were very open to whatever happened, that I'd want the openness so bad until it didn't evolve how I hoped.