[mom2justynsarah]

I am a mom to both a bio & adopted child. I could give you you some food for thought.

When I gave birth to my son (almost 9 years ago), I had a c-section. I was so out of it, I didn't get to see my baby until quite a few hours later.

There was no instant mother/child bonding. There was no feeling of instant love. I remember holding him and feeling nothing but fear.

I will never forget looking at the babies through the nursery window and NOT recognizing MINE. I kept looking at the wrong baby boy thinking he was mine. But I didn't give birth to that one, so how could that be?

I could have taken home ANY of those babies. I wouldn't have known the difference!

When I first saw my daughter, I felt a sense of awe. She took my breath away. When I held her in my arms, I felt an instant connection.

From the first time I held her (2.5 years ago) and until now, there is a mother/daughter connection. But I didn't give birth to her. How could this be?

I will never forget a conversation I had with my daughter's bmom. She told me that "I might as well have given birth to Sarah." "After all, I have been her mother since the moment I held her."

I don't think bmoms are a threat. However, I think some amoms may have a hard time seeing bmoms as their child's mother. Does that make sense? It seems to get increasingly more difficult as time goes by.

In other words, YES Dee gave birth to my daughter. YES, she is her biological mother. BUT, she has not parented her. She has not been mothering her. She hasn't been there for my daughter since giving birth.

I am my child's mother. So is your child's amom. If she wants to be in the room with you and her child, so be it. You gave up your rights as a mother as soon as you relinquished your child.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by austin0i

First let me say this is a great thread.

I am coming from an older perspective, as an adoptee that is now in reunion with her birth mom at 39.

I can tell you I struggled with what to call her. My struggle was not what I felt, but rather what would my mom (amom) would think and feel. I came to the conclusion that my struggle wasn’t about what I wanted, but rather about my consideration for others, specifically my mom (amom). I am not sure that is fair to put on the adoptee.

So, I don’t want to offend the amoms here and I surely do not want to devalue them in anyway. I love my mom with all my heart, but clearly my birth mom is my mom too. I felt an immediate connection to her which I could not deny, it and I knew right away this woman is my mother.

So, I chose to call her mom because I am old enough to understand that I have two moms.

I guess what I am trying to say, from the adoptee perspective there is a birth bond there between mother and child that is instinctual.

I call my birthmother mom, because she feels like mom.

I call my amom mom, because she feels like mom.

Confusing?

Probably, but reality for some adoptees.

I got carried away on another thread.

But I would have loved/love if my bson called me mom.
But he does call me, often.

I would rather have those phone calls and the I love you that comes at the end of the call.

He doesn't call me mom, but he calls.

It has been 10 years.

[crick]

Originally Posted by mom2justynsarah

I am my child's mother. So is your child's amom. If she wants to be in the room with you and her child, so be it. You gave up your rights as a mother as soon as you relinquished your child.

You know..I am just always disheartened when I read that "rights" statement. It sounds like a "You gave up your legal rights to parent so just mosey on along and don't expect anything; not even respect or the right to be seen as any kind of mom and don't even have any feelings about it, because you gave up those rights too!"

Maybe that's not what you mean, but it's how it comes across and honestly...a firstmom knows this fact (relinquishment = no legal rights) far more than us amoms do, so what is the point? Even if you don't see her or any bmom as a mom, why the need to rub the salt in the wound?

[lahdh4]

Originally Posted by mom2justynsarah

I am my child's mother. So is your child's amom. If she wants to be in the room with you and her child, so be it. You gave up your rights as a mother as soon as you relinquished your child.

Ouch. Thank you so much. Thank you for once again putting me in my place. I hope that wasn't your intention. Thank you for once again making me cry at work because I am now again feeling how much I don't matter in my daughters' life.

"How is your therapist telling you to look at things? Perhaps we can toss out some legitimate ideas"

Right now we are trying to get me out of the depression that has me paralized because of their actions. We are trying to work on how to "put it on the back burner so that it isn't right in front of me 24/7" Trying to find someone to write a script because of the blow up that happened the last time I asked my PCP for anti-depressants.
Really we have been working on how I can start to speak up for myself and not be the doormat that I have become.

[Mommy24]

(((((Leigh)))))) Just letting you know I am here, praying and hoping that things get worked out. Please contact me if you need an ear or a shoulder!!
Love ya girl!

[Leigh131313]

Leigh

I just wanted to comment on something you said....

Thank you for once again making me cry at work because I am now again feeling how much I don't matter in my daughters' life.

No matter what goes on between you and the aparents...even if you have no contact - It's not that you don't matter in your daughters life, it's that you are not being able to be a physical (tangable?) part of her life at THIS time. The two are VERY different. No matter what you DO matter in her life - you gave her life!!

you DO matter.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by mom2justynsarah

You gave up your rights as a mother as soon as you relinquished your child.

She did not give up her rights to be a mother, she gave up her rights to parent. That is what we legally relinquish... our parental rights. Once a mother, always a mother. No one would dare tell a mom who lost her baby at birth that she was no longer a mother. As much as you may yearn for it to be true, that there is only one mother in your child's life, it is not true. There is only one mother who is parenting, but you cannot erase that genetic birth connection with a mere piece of paper.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by mom2justynsarah

IThere was no instant mother/child bonding. There was no feeling of instant love. I remember holding him and feeling nothing but fear.

Please remember to qualify things in the singular light of your experience. I felt an instant connection and bond to all my children from the moment I knew I was pregnant. They were all so very different in utero and their personalities and temperaments carried over. And I did know them.

If there were no feelings of love and bonding it would not be difficult for the new mom to part with her baby.

[browneyes0707]

Those words are so powerful aren't they L?

Leigh is right: you DO matter!!!!! No matter how DD's parents MAKE you feel, remember that the truth is you DO matter to DD. No one else has the power to take that away!!!!!!

((((HUGS))))

[mom2justynsarah]

Originally Posted by lahdh4

Ouch. Thank you so much. Thank you for once again putting me in my place. I hope that wasn't your intention. Thank you for once again making me cry at work because I am now again feeling how much I don't matter in my daughters' life.

"How is your therapist telling you to look at things? Perhaps we can toss out some legitimate ideas"

Right now we are trying to get me out of the depression that has me paralized because of their actions. We are trying to work on how to "put it on the back burner so that it isn't right in front of me 24/7" Trying to find someone to write a script because of the blow up that happened the last time I asked my PCP for anti-depressants.
Really we have been working on how I can start to speak up for myself and not be the doormat that I have become.

Oh nooooooo! I am sooooooooo SORRY!!!!! I did not mean to hurt you. ((((((HUGS)))))

I think my words just came out wrong. Let me clarify myself. Birthmoms gave up their right to parent. But that doesn't make you or Dee, or any other bmom not a mother. Please note, I am conveying MY thoughts, & feelings.

I have said it before and I will say it again. If it wasn't for Dee, I wouldn't have Sarah in my life. Dee was the one who chose ME to parent her baby.

For that fact alone, Dee plays one of the most significant role in Sarah's life. She is the mother who GAVE life to her. I am the mother who is able to GIVE a life for her.

[mom2justynsarah]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

She did not give up her rights to be a mother, she gave up her rights to parent. That is what we legally relinquish... our parental rights. Once a mother, always a mother. No one would dare tell a mom who lost her baby at birth that she was no longer a mother. As much as you may yearn for it to be true, that there is only one mother in your child's life, it is not true. There is only one mother who is parenting, but you cannot erase that genetic birth connection with a mere piece of paper.

You are correct!!!

[mom2justynsarah]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

Please remember to qualify things in the singular light of your experience. I felt an instant connection and bond to all my children from the moment I knew I was pregnant. They were all so very different in utero and their personalities and temperaments carried over. And I did know them.

If there were no feelings of love and bonding it would not be difficult for the new mom to part with her baby.

Of course, everything I have ever written or thought were of MY feelings, thoughts and experiences. For ME, love is something that grew & continues to grow while parenting, bonding and raising my children.

[loveajax]

Leigh, do you have an open adoption agreement? Is the a mom not living up to its terms or is it that you feel that she is doing so with her heart not in it or begrudgingly? Has it always been like this or a "sudden" change? Just curious....sorry I don't know the whole history.

[StacyKelly2]

Yes, for some adoptive parents I do think they feel as birth parents are a threat. I guess the fear of the adopted child either leaving to go back to the birth parent, or loving the birth parent more- As an adoptive mom, our son will grow up knowing the love of both his adoptive parents and his birth parents. I have never felt threatened of the birth mom. I think it is extremely important for any adopted child to know the love of his/her birth parent. I don't see how any adoptive parent can feel that way, when truth be told if not for the birth parents choice of adoption and choosing the adoptive parents, we could never be so blessed!! I will admit I was scared of visits if this was to be one of our birth mom's wishes, however she chose pictures, and updates, and phone calls. We have kept our promises, and would never think to deny her that much. However, we witnessed the delivery and all the birth mom went through..and I told her if ever you want to see your son-I could never deny you of that. Soon we are having an adoption and baptizm party. We welcomed the birth mom -and she agreed to come. I am excited because I just feel this is the right thing to do. Our son will grow up knowing of adoption and the courageous and loving choice his birth parents made.

[lahdh4]

Originally Posted by loveajax

Leigh, do you have an open adoption agreement? Is the a mom not living up to its terms or is it that you feel that she is doing so with her heart not in it or begrudgingly? Has it always been like this or a "sudden" change? Just curious....sorry I don't know the whole history.

We do have an open adoption agreement. I have kept up my end of the deal but the ball has dropped on their end. She says she likes it when we get together but it has always been up to me to set the ball in motion and I cannot do that anymore. I understand them being busy but I am busy as well and to have her keep telling me "If you want to see her you have to call." Then it is a week of calls that go unanswered because I have left messages. This whole "we're too busy" is a new change.


M2JS: thank you for your words.