[Leigh131313]

I thought it might be interesting for us to have a discussion about where we are at in our adoption situations. What is going well? What needs some work?




For me, over all things are good. I can't say anything bad about my sons birthfamily - very kind, very nice people.

I do wish for a little more "dependability" - don't say you are going to come unless you actually are going to, but I know these things have been said with the best of intentions. I realize that life gets away on all of us...

but that is the one area I can get a little frustrated with at times.


How about you guys?

[InBlindFaith]

My adoption was closed. DD is 19 now. So I'm here patiently waiting for the time to be right for her to be ready for me.

I would LOVE it if I could meet and get to know her parents in the meantime...that might help me feel a little more patient. Other than that I stay in touch with the Counselor at the Agency, she has been my touchstone through the years.

Sorry, I don't have much to offer...but that's where I'm at.

[Vogi2002]

Well right now I am a little discouraged with mine. It's hard to keep trying when I feel like I get NOTHING in return...no caring, no planning, nothing. I feel like I'm doing all the work right now, not even a call back or anything.

Plus the last visit was beyond "uncomfortable" and I could tell that it would take a LOT to be respected as his family. It's disheartening for me because I was SO looking forward to it, I knew it would be hard and take work, but seriously I feel like sometimes we are catering 100% to them. I don't want to go into specifics...it's just hard. I never expected to walk away from a visit totally NOT feeling like Cooper's mom...or at least that they do NOT see me as his family...i don't know..

But I hope to have a visit next month. Our summer has been SO busy and we have to go to them (3.5 hours away each way). We don't want to stay the night at a hotel there again, as they aren't the best at planning, but I'm hoping to go there, visit, go to a park, talk, then go back home.

I'm exhausted already. Anyone else been there done that?

[SchmennaLeigh]

Right now, things are good. We're having some logistical issues getting together because of vacations, other family plans and various illnesses. But we're trying to be patient and work through it!

[lahdh4]

While it was open it appears that now they want a semi. Have had 2 meetings to discuss this and at the last one I was told "we are too busy" so it is up to me to call and set up a time for visit.
Run: I am on the other side of you. I feel as if I do all this work and get nothing in return.

[Vogi2002]

Oh man lahdh, it's frustrating isn't it? It's not even anything that has to be said, you can tell it in the conversation, not calling, not TRYING. I would even settle for 80 / 20 sometimes...or 90 / 10. I feel like it's all 100 from me. Hoping maybe we can connect a little more on the next visit....

[BrandyHagz]

Eh...what can you do?

Instability is an issue - I find it hard (and exhausting at times) to communicate - it seems very one sided right now, but its for M, so I will plug away.

Broken promises - broken plans - at this point, I'd say nothing is dependable, although I have been promised (ha!) that she'll be here for Christmas, but we'll see.

Mostly, it's just really exhausting right now - I've always been there and will continue to be there...but I might have to start chargng $100 an hour, so I can afford to go to my therapist after their 'sessions' LOL.

[bajj]

I've never met my youngest son's First mom. I've only seen my oldest son's twice since he was born and he will be 6 next week. I am inviting her to his bday party as I did last year and hope that she will come. I was planning on not telling him but he did ask me to invite her, so he knows she's being invited.

Last year she tried to come, but had a flat on the way and lost our phone number and couldn't call us. Hopefully this year she and his brothers will be able to make it. They've never been to my house, so I am hoping they will come. I want them to know they are welcome in our life and in our family.

I pray that ds#2's first mom will want to meet, or at the least, pick up the pics and letters we send. Which reminds me, I need to get another packet ready as he will be 3 soon.

[Juliana13]

Okay - for you first moms... I wonder what I need to do, or maybe nothing... but help me understand.

First of all, we have a semi-open adoption ( no identifying info, but letters/pics/emails), and have no plans to open it up more. My son's birthmother is a beautiful woman, and we love her very much. We send letters and pictures and emails regularly. We promised monthly until she was one, then yearly, (that's what the agency had as normal then) but we have done way more than that. She does not respond very much, but when she does she thanks us profusely, and tells us how much she loves us and M and how much she loves the letters and pictures.

Last year, we were traveling to bmoms hometown by chance to be with some relatives we rarely visit, and suggested we meet her somewhere. She jumped on it, was super excited, we emailed several times a week until the day we met, she brought gifts for BOTH my kids, not just hers, - it was a wonderful visit. We clicked beautifully, both of us took lots of pictures, we talked like old friends, - we really like her a lot.

The day after we met we sent her a letter with pictures of the visit, asked how she was, etc. A couple of months later an email ...Later a Christmas card, A few months later an email simple how are you, here are a few more cute pictures... Then a mother's day card with pics. etc. over a year later, we still have not heard form her. Which is not totally abnormal, except that you'd think we'd hear at least a short 'enjoyed the visit" or "It was nice to see you M" to us or our son. Did she disappear off the face of the earth? What should we do? I don't want to be pushy. But she has mentioned (obviously over a year ago) that she'd be willing to open it up more, when we wanted to... then she never responds to any communication from us.

I don't need her to write every month, but it just seems wierd to hear NOTHING for so long, especially since there was her first visit... I understand a little time right after, but over a year? When I asked my husband why she didn't write back, he responded "Her heart is breaking." Which may be true, or maybe she just got busy, or ??? I don't know. M is 3, and dry spells are common, followed by "sorry I haven't written, it has been hard, but thanks so much for the letters." So I will never quit sending them. But we have never had a dry spell so long. If she is moving forward in a way that is healthy for her, then I don't want to interfere, but I wonder if there is something else I should be doing or writing. Part of me says to just keep loving her and sending occasional updates and telling her we love her, and let her write back in her own time. But another part is a little concerned. (She was about to get engaged, she said, and even brought him to the visit, and would let us know!!!) - but nothing. I don't dare ask about him, in case it didn't work out...

I don't know. Any thoughts? Thanks for letting me vent.

[BrandyHagz]

It's likely she's just dealing - but as you said in your message, you have no intention of opening it up more...so I wouldn't be pushy, unless you plan to do more.

You might just send an email, "I've been sending you emails/pictures - I just want to make sure you're getting them and that you're ok. When you get a chance, can you just let me know that you're getting these? I'd hate for you to miss an update!"

Make it about her...maybe you'll get a response.

[tobeafamily]

As frustrating and disappointing as it may be, I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who feels sometimes like I'm dancing with myself, putting out all the effort with very little to no response.

We're 5 years into our OA, and overall I have to say it is going well. Frequency of communication has dropped off a bit as life gets in the way, but we make sure we touch base every 4-6 weeks or so and visit yearly (they are in other states). We initiate easily 90% of the communication, it's rare for us to get a proactive call or email from his bfamily. Less contact with Bdad, though we regularly talk to his family. That doesn't bother us, because we get that he loves his son, just isn't real communicative as a person.

I think the early years of an OA are deceptive. You go into it thinking one thing, that your baby needs both his aparents and his bparents to be whole and you'll see that clearly as they grow. When they're babies and toddlers and preschoolers though their life is perfectly complete without bparent contact. Aparents are meeting all their needs, and the child seems not to care or even react negatively to their bparents' presence.

It's soooo easy then to just let the relationship go b/c it is so hard to put out without getting back, or to deal with instability or unpredictability, to have to deal with the pain and loss, or to continually acknowledge to others that you're not the only parent, especially when your child is clearly sending messages that you are.

I say it's deceptive because it doesn't stay that way. Your child gets older. It's then that they need those relationships, they need their bparents to be there and say that yes indeed your Mom isn't just making it up, we really completely love you and there is nothing wrong with you. There's something about coming from the source that is different, yanno?

I will say I am glad we've hung in there. Our last visit was with DS' bdad. There was a connection between them, strong and true and different and really wonderful to see. DH and I spent so much time being 'busy with other things' so we could watch them interact undisturbed, holding our breath and trying not to dance with joy in front of them. It seriously was one of the neatest things I've ever witnessed. Any doubt I had before about whether it was all 'worth it' has been completely eliminated since then. It was and is.

So, hang in there, everyone. OA is HARD at times, and there is no guidebook. And yes, some day our kids will say "you never did anything for me". That's when you just have to smile.

Best,

Regina

[Tigger27]

Well like others here, I sometimes feel like I'm trying to keep up the relationship and communication by myself, but only with my 4 yr old's family.

With my 2 1/2 yr old's family, I feel like we're pretty much more on the same page and touch base with each other often. We try to keep in touch and write to each other at least once every 2-4 weeks, but we usually don't let more than a month go by between writing/e-mailing each other. We always send gifts to each other on birthdays, Christmas and such. With them, I really have a great relationship and feel really close to them and they to me.

But with my 4 yr old's family, I feel close to them and feel it's a good relationship, but it's different and not quite as close as with my 2 1/2 yr old's family. Well and with my 4 yr old's family, I've been a little concerned about communication with them lately because I've been trying to e-mail/write them once a month to update them just like I do my 2 1/2 yr old's family, but I haven't heard from my 4 yr old's family since May at Mother's Day time.

The last I heard from my 4 yr old's family, they asked me where to send part of my Mother's Day present that my 4 yr old had made for me and I still haven't got that in the mail or heard back from them since then. I've e-mailed them a couple times to update them and ask them if they're doing alright because I was concerned that I hadn't heard back from them in a while and wondering about the Mother's Day present and hearing more about my 4 yr old's birthday in March.

I'm thinking it's possible that there's something going on with my 4 yr old's family that has kept them from responding back to me, but keep waiting and hoping to hear from them sometime soon here. It's just that there was one other time like this where they kind of dropped off and I didn't hear from them for like 6 months because some major health concerns and issues came up that they had to take care of with my 4 yr old's adad, who's in a wheelchair, so I'm hoping that there isn't anything wrong or going on with health issues again or anything that is keeping them from responding back to me right now.

I'm thinking it's time to write and update both my girls families on me, my life and all this week, preferably by this coming weekend on Sunday, and I think I'll write and check that my 4 yr old's family is getting my updates/e-mails and hopefully they'll respond. I have even considered going to the agency who we've pretty much taken out of the picture now and having them contact my 4 yr old's family just to check on them and what's going on if they don't respond to my e-mails in the next little while here. I also wrote a note and sent some things direct to their agency a little while ago too and didn't hear back from them about those gifts or anything either.

Anyway, I'm probably just going to do some e-mails/updates this weekend to both my girls families and hope for responses back from both of them soon.

Sometimes it's hard for me to keep updating when I don't get responses though and sometimes I feel like I wonder if it will even matter, but I know that when my girls are older they'll see that I did everything I could to keep in touch no matter what their parents do.

I don't worry with my 2 1/2 yr old's family and our relationship, communication level and all, but I do get concerned from time to time with my 4 yr old's family and our communication level in specific and sometimes wonder if they'd like to have me disappear from the picture or something. Of course then they send me a big letter apologizing and/or explaining with tons of pictures, home movies, gifts etc. and I feel bad for even having questioned their desire to have me in their lives or in my 4 yr old's life, but when I don't hear back for a while sometimes those doubts just creep in, if ya know what I mean.

Thanks for letting me ramble and sorry I went on for so long lol.

[browneyes0707]

For me it's been a year since I first reconnected with DD'a a-mom after 12 years of no contact (Juliana: I got "freaked" a bit after my first direct contact with DD, and it took me that long to pull out of it. I really hope you don't have to wait that long!!!!)

I had asked not for a relationship with DD, but to rebulid the relationship between us first and then include DD "eventually". Started off OK, she brought me up to speed a bit, we promised an exchange of baby pics (mine and DD's) said she was going to wait a bit to tell DD but she was going to tell her "soon".

It's been a struggle since then. I would say it's 90/10 in regards to the relationship. I've written every few months or so, most of times just "here's what's going on with me" stuff, I'll briefly share stories about my childhood. I wrote for christmas and a really heartfelt one for DD's birthday. I've sent pics, both from now and when I was with b dad. I've e- mailed her to share big news. I've basically tried to handle it like I would any other long distance relationship with an extended family member, since that's how I see a-mom in my heart, as a member of my family.

She only writes back about half the time. She HAS been sweet about sending pics, but lots of time she makes promises she doesn't keep. And THAT is sooo hard to come to terms with. I'm still waiting for her to send the update she promised in the beginning of June. I recently wrote her and asked if it was OK to keep sending pics (since she rarely comments on them) since I had some family ones I wanted to share but I never heard back. When she does write, she always apologizes and says she's so busy. In my heart I know she means it, but it's still hard when you FEEL like this is way more important to you than to the other person!

She also has not (to my knowledge) told DD about our contact and I don't think she plans to, at least not until DD is of age in a few years. I do wish she would, just to get it out there and not keep secrets. Also I don't expect DD to jump up and down and run to my doorstep, but, since I write and share for a-mom to pass on to DD it would be nice for DD to know that there is info and pics available to her through her mom if she wants. But I assume that there are "reasons" I'm not privvy to, so I try and deal.

Most recently I made the decision to back off contact for a few months, until the holidays, at least so I can get some emotional distance. I'll still write and share for DD's sake, but I have to learn to "lower" my expectations of the relationship, since I feel this is what it is for the next few years at least.

It is awfully frustrating, but I keep trying to tell myself it's for DD, so I WONT give up!

[josh1788smom]

Juliana - you may want to contact the agency just to see if everything is ok with bmom. Just meaning that she is still physically ok - not that she is not working on processing all the emotion of your meeting.

Regina and Juliana - It may seem like a hassle now. And like you said, Regina, the aparents are able to fulfill the needs of the child while they are growing up. But I think it will make it an easier transition into adulthood and into finding more out about their bparents or circumstances or whatever if their bmom is someone they have always known. That takes out the big "have to meet the bmom" or reunion or whatever. I guess it is not truly a reunion if it is someone you have known to be around your whole life. My son was adopted by my relatives but he never knew that. I dropped off that side of the family because it was not by my choice, rather it was my parents'. That family had no problem not including me. So he never knew until he was turning 18 and his bdad contacted him. I did go to see him once when he was a baby before the adoption was final, but the amom hid him in the garage with her and her sister and pretended they weren't home. The sister has downs syndrome so she came out of the garage and said, "you can't take the baby". So I knew that was what she had heard from her sister - that I was there to take the baby. I think the fact that he has always thought he came from an agency makes it harder for him to process the fact that when he talks about his family, I know all the players, I am related to all the players.

Anyhow - keep it up, I think in the long run, it will all pay off.

[thanksgivingmom]

My DD is nearly nine months and I'm in the waiting game with many of the other women here. I received one letter from amom at the hospital saying it was amoms "greatest wish" that I be a part of DD's life.

I'm a little disheartened right now because that's not so much happening right now. I write letters every few months, but have only gotten one letter in return. There was not formal agreement as to how often the letters should be, so I guess I shouldn't get upset that I don't get responses. (I have only sent letters near Christmas, Mothers Day I sent a card, and last month so it's not like I'm crazy overdoing it I don't think - but you can let me know if I'm wrong)

Amom keeps having the SW reassure me she wants to meet, but she's afraid because finalization hasn't happened yet. (HURRY UP FINALIZATION GODS! )

I'm getting very worn out though putting forth all the effort...