[bajj]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

My DD is nearly nine months and I'm in the waiting game with many of the other women here. I received one letter from amom at the hospital saying it was amoms "greatest wish" that I be a part of DD's life.

I'm a little disheartened right now because that's not so much happening right now. I write letters every few months, but have only gotten one letter in return. There was not formal agreement as to how often the letters should be, so I guess I shouldn't get upset that I don't get responses. (I have only sent letters near Christmas, Mothers Day I sent a card, and last month so it's not like I'm crazy overdoing it I don't think - but you can let me know if I'm wrong)

Amom keeps having the SW reassure me she wants to meet, but she's afraid because finalization hasn't happened yet. (HURRY UP FINALIZATION GODS! )

I'm getting very worn out though putting forth all the effort...

I've never quite understood the fear of meeting before finaliation. I hope this part doesn't sound harsh, but it's not like you can change your mind now, ya know? I mean, tpr and finaliation are 2 different things.

I wonder where this fear comes from?

[lahdh4]

Originally Posted by Runyan2002

Oh man lahdh, it's frustrating isn't it? It's not even anything that has to be said, you can tell it in the conversation, not calling, not TRYING. I would even settle for 80 / 20 sometimes...or 90 / 10. I feel like it's all 100 from me. Hoping maybe we can connect a little more on the next visit....

It is frustrating. Especially when I call to get a visit set up and I won't hear anything from L for a week or more. To me it is just a way for them to keep telling me just how much they don't want me in her life but then they keep saying how much they want me in her life.
There is only so much a person can take.

[crick]

Seems like it's frustrating all over...for everyone!

I've been looking for the kids' mom for some time now and think I've found her on myspace. She hasn't been to that account for 2 years though, so who knows if she's still at that email address. I haven't yet emailed though to see if it's valid or if she responds; and I'm not sure why. You'd think after trying to find her after looking, I'd be jumping at sending that email???

I did find out some not so great (okay, really not great) info about the bdad and I've been wrestling internally with that all summer. I hate that I'm angry about it and know the "logistics", but emotionally I'm not dealing well with it. I know I need to let it go though...being angry isn't going to serve any good purpose!

Hmm....do those inflatable clowns withstand punches from an adult?

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by bajj

I've never quite understood the fear of meeting before finaliation. I hope this part doesn't sound harsh, but it's not like you can change your mind now, ya know? I mean, tpr and finaliation are 2 different things.

I wonder where this fear comes from?

No worries Ani That's kind of what I keep saying myself! What's done is done, not opening the door to me isn't going to change anything.

She also has told the SW that DD is just so cute and precious and perfect that she's worried that me seeing her will make it harder for me.

I hope THIS doesn't sound harsh, but I know what is best for me. DD's mom does NOT know what's best for me. It really irks me when I hear aparents making decisions because they think it's what's best for the bfamily...but I digress, sorry!

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by crick

Hmm....do those inflatable clowns withstand punches from an adult?

Speaking from experience...they do! They'll fly all the way to the ground before bouncing back up though! haha

[loveajax]

Things are good right now (I think) with DD's birth family and us. I know that DD's birth mom would like to have more visits (we only have a yearly, but they live fairly close).

My issue is a more "long term" issue. DD's birth parents have not told their older DD (who is now almost 5) who DD is. They also have never told THEIR families about the pg/birth/adoption. I have "gently" tried to encourage DD's birth mom to do so.

I also got up the guts to tell my mom about the visits we have (my mom is very "old school" and I thought she would freak out, and she was very cool about it). I felt like I was being a hypocrite by not telling my mom (who is the only one in my family I feel "needs to know" right now). Of course, DH is "working up" to telling his family....

I don't want DD to be a big "secret" - - seems contradictory to having an OA. To be honest, I don't know if I would continue visits with DD's birth family if they don't/can't acknowledge who she is at these visits, kwim? I feel like I am putting her birth parents in a Catch 22, but it is important to me (and more importantly, I think to DD). (I don't care so much that THEIR families know, but DD's older sister...yeah, I think she needs to know).

Any advice on this? I know how much seeing DD means to her birth parents, but I don't want to have them cancel visits for fear of letting the cat out of the bag.

I agree with J'smom about the "reunion" thing....My SIL had a reunion with her birth mom. It went well, but it just seems like SOOOOO overloaded with emotion/issues. My 41 yo DH has found (but not yet contacted) his birth mother.....not sure when he will/how that will go.

(Did I tell you my adoption issues have issues? haha).

Tmom, the finalization thing is REALLY odd to me too. I'm sorry you are not getting more.

I really feel for those of you giving way more than you are getting.

[connersmom]

I'm another a-mom who appeared to have a great relationship, but then b-mom disappeared with no explanation. We had agreed on a meeting, talked a few days before about it, then she disappeared and does not respond to emails anymore. I'm giving her space--sending letters and pictures periodically-- and when she is ready I know she will write.

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by Juliana13

Okay - for you first moms...

Originally Posted by Juliana13

I don't need her to write every month, but it just seems wierd to hear NOTHING for so long, especially since there was her first visit... I understand a little time right after, but over a year? When I asked my husband why she didn't write back, he responded "Her heart is breaking." Which may be true, or maybe she just got busy, or ??? I don't know. M is 3, and dry spells are common, followed by "sorry I haven't written, it has been hard, but thanks so much for the letters." So I will never quit sending them. But we have never had a dry spell so long. If she is moving forward in a way that is healthy for her, then I don't want to interfere, but I wonder if there is something else I should be doing or writing. Part of me says to just keep loving her and sending occasional updates and telling her we love her, and let her write back in her own time. But another part is a little concerned. (She was about to get engaged, she said, and even brought him to the visit, and would let us know!!!) - but nothing. I don't dare ask about him, in case it didn't work out...

I don't know. Any thoughts? Thanks for letting me vent.

As we all keep saying, everyone's different. I wonder if the actual visit made it all of a sudden more real than it had been. Photos, etc. are still a step removed from reality. The visit may actually have triggered something in her that she was totally unprepared for and couldn't/hasn't dealt with/

TG and Ani - I wonder if some of the media attention on bparents who have fought at the last minute to get "their child" back hasn't left some (many?) aparents afraid that if the bmom and/or bdad see the baby they will decide to fight the adoption even at the last minute.

My situation: The fact that D was 33 when we met and that it was a closed adoption means that I haven't faced many of the communications challeges that the rest of you have. (Possibly the fact that his dad and I are also colleagues - ELCA pastors - helps the communications) D has also made his intentions clear (sort of - since he doesn 't talk about it much) by inviting all of us - a & b families to his family gatherings. (Birthdays, Christmas,etc.) If I would wish for anything, it would be for D to share more of his feelings with me about his adoption (including the anger he shared with his parents when they gave him my information.) Of course, if he were willing to do so, he'd be a different person! I also continue to hope he can get to know his bdad's family.

[HBV]

Ours is good w/ M and her family---we haven't seen much of bdad lately. Right now our struggle is how to negotiate #2. Bmom's family really wants us to take the baby and maintain the relationship we have w/ them, but this time around there may be an obstacle w/ bdad's family (different bdad).

M's family wants us to meet the grandmother to help them persuade her that an OA can work. I am feeling a little conflicted about it. On one hand, we'd love to raise H's sister, and this seems to be the best option for all, especially baby (most of you probably know from my other posts that M is developmentally disabled and can't live independently) but on the other hand, I don't like being in a position of trying to convince this grandmother, because frankly, we don't want to take the placement if it's a contest. She doesn't have any legal standing any more than we do, but I'm not sure how we'd have a successful open adoption with her later if we take the placement against her wishes. My guess right now is that any contact we'd have with the bdad in this situation would be through this grandmother.

Complicated. My head hurts.

[Juliana13]

Thanks for your responses - I will send her a note, and ask her to let me know that she's getting the updates and pics. I'm sure she is, but that seems gentler than saying "WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU? WRITE ALREADY!" If I hear nothing, I may ask her caseworker if he's heard from her. He has been great.

To be honest, It doesn't bother me that she hasn't written, except that if she never writes again, might it bother my son that she cut off contact immediately after seeing him in person? Granted he was only 2, and sooooo adorable, so it's not him, but we all know logic does not always take a strong hold in the emotions here. I know there will be "dry spells", and that's okay, as long as things are good and we know we can communicate when we need or want to.

And those clown punching bags are pretty strong, crick. Unless your 3 year old has a pair of scissors...

Thanks all... You are the greatest!

[Juliana13]

And a thought about the fear some aparents have until finalization: Things are so emotional and scary, - yes, even after TPR, until things are really, really final. When my son was OVER a year old, we (well, our lawyers) actually had to go back to his birthparents and get them to RE-sign!! Because it was another state, and our state didn't think their state's forms were valid or good enough. (turns out their lawyer messed up and had them sign the wrong forms.) I about had to be committed. I had panic attacks, and intense fear that overcame me such that I had trouble even breathing, at the oddest moments, like when I was holding him in the middle of the night, when I watched his big sister singing to him, etc. (I remember thinking it would kill her to lose him.)

I knew that they wouldn't change their minds, and logically I also knew that even if his bparents decided to change their minds and fight, we would win, but the mere fact that over a year later, there was an authority saying I wasn't my son's mother for SURE, and although he wouldn't be taken away from us, probably, there was a 0.000000000001% chance that we could lose him. Emotionally I did not handle that well.

So that's where it comes from, for some of us at least. A part of me was glad we had kept all our promises with communication, so the birthfamilies would have no reason to doubt us. We didn't know they would get a second chance to relinquish or not (I mean, how often does that really happen?), and would never think of going back on our word, but I felt a little more secure in knowing that we had a relationship built with them, and they knew they could trust us, and they knew we respected and loved them.

That wouldn't be a reason for me to withhold visits, but I understand the fear. In fact our agency's policy is that if you want to open your closed adoption and give identifying info, then fine, but not to do it until after finalization. And they made us agree to that with a signature.

[zxczxcasdasd]

Unsolicitied opinion, TG- I think you need to make VERY clear to social worker (and ask her to pass it on) that you are offended and disheartened about them putting off what you, a grown independent, intelligent woman, are asking for, and what the amom said she wanted "more than anything" in the name of doing what's "best for you", so to speak. YOU are the only one who decides what's hard for you and what's not. You need to make sure that the social worker is clear on that and amom is clear on that- the withholding and postponing hurts WAY more than the seeing ever could. Period.

[loveajax]

Tmom, another thing that makes me nuts is the fact that a parents and birth parents "share" a social worker and she ends up playing "messenger." It may be that the a mom is saying what Juliana is (and I guess thinking of it that way, I can understand even if it's a niggle of fear) but maybe SW is conveying to you a more "sympathetic" thing (a mom is concerned for you) when it's really just kind of condescending. When is that dang finalization?

[thanksgivingmom]

The SW won't tell me when finalization is. I've danced around asking and she knows I'm trying to find out, but she won't say. She said "I'll let you know after it's happened."

I just don't like all the secrecy!

And Loveajax, I definitely agree with you about sharing a SW. The good news is I think we're close to exchanging info and going directly to the source, but for the past almost nine months it's been really hard. It's like the game of telephone: appropriate at a 9 year olds' sleepover! NOT appropriate when dealing with information about a person's children! haha

But thanks for all the insight and advice. Even if it was unsolicited Heidi JK You know I greatly appreciate it.

[Leigh131313]

Heidi - I realize that's your opinion....but I think I'd probably tread more lightly. Coming across as harsh and demanding at this stage - when clearly they are resistant- may only push them away further. Remember, they have no legal obligation for any sort of contact - and they have already stated they are nervous.


I'd just be a bit more gentle in the approach.