[thanksgivingmom]

So recently I have found myself being jealous of the relationship that my social worker has with DD and her Mother. DD's amom calls the SW often, sends her pictures of A, emails updates, etc. Sometimes the SW will call me to let me know she got an update, but mostly she will only mention it if I call her first. Like, "Oh, that reminds me, I talked to D (A's amom) and she said......" Logically, I KNOW that I am just playing a waiting game right now, but I can't help but wonder, if DD's amom has time to send the SW an email, why doesn't she have time for me?

It seems like I have so many bparent friends that get a "we're so busy right now" type of response from aparents...but it's not that they're so busy for everyone, just that they're to busy for you (me...us).

Who else feels this way?

How do you deal with this?

I am of course jealous of the time that DD's amom spends with her and when I think of all the things she's doing by now, but I can handle that and work through that jealousy...for some reason it's the relationship with the SW that's driving me batty right now.

[BrandyHagz]

Yup. I've felt it.

Its hard being the one that can always be 'pushed off' for something else.

No advice - just support.

Have you considered writing a letter?

[InBlindFaith]

(((HUGS)))

I get that way too!! I get so jealous that my Counselor has met DD's parents. She knows what they look like, what type of people they are. She also gets to talk to them via phone and email...while I'm out here waiting for something!!!

I don't have any advice, but I have plenty of hugs for you and a shoulder for you to cry on!!!

((((HUGS))))

[browneyes0707]

It seems like I have so many bparent friends that get a "we're so busy right now" type of response from aparents...but it's not that they're so busy for everyone, just that they're to busy for you (me...us).

Who else feels this way?
ME ME!!! I DO!!!!!


How do you deal with this?
I do a lot of this and a lot of whining to all of you


Seriously tho, for me, the "I'm busy" excuse is hard to swallow. I'm not the same TYPE of busy, but I lead a full life too. I'm packed in with stuff, but I make time.

It's like when you're dating someone in the beginning and they drop off the face of the earth for a while and they come back and say "oh, I'm sorry I haven't called but I've been busy" And you know he's been out and around because your friends have seen him.

I hated that game when I was single, I had no patience for it then or now.

As far as jealous, I am jealous a bit of everyone who gets to see DD, her friends, her teachers, her parents friends, her friends parents, the mailman, (you get the idea!) I'm a bit jealous of anyone who has had a chance to interact with her, since I doubt some of them realize how lucky they are to have the chance I've waited for for years

[HBV]

Not making an excuse for aparents in general or anything, but I can tell you that sometimes it is easier for me to send an e-mail to a friend or an acquaintance, maybe mentioning H or sticking a photo on as an attachment, than it is to send an update to H's bfamilies, because I feel like I have to take more time with that communication----I know how important it is to them, so I want to do it right.

It always just feels like the stakes are higher on that communication.

[thanksgivingmom]

Now Brown, how did you know that I was talking about you!! haha, maybe because we whine together!!

Thanks for the support Brandy (and roni of course!). I wrote DD's amom a letter last week, but I didn't mention any of this. I don't want to scare her away I guess with me being crazy

HBV might very well be right, and it's a good point, so thanks! It just doesn't change my (possibly irrational) jealousy of those people that are so seamlessly included in DD's life.

I feel like I am "normal" jealous (whatever that is) of the everyday people that see DD, like the man who watches her at the gym while her Mom works out. When I heard about that story (in a letter from amom) I thought, wow, he spends awesome time with her, that's great that she's being so well taken care of.

It's for some reason EXTRA jealous feelings about the SW...I think because I knew that she would have a new family and there would be friends and people in thier lives, but I see the SW as neutral, like she's just the intermediary, but she's not. Like she's picked sides or something. Okay, I need to try to be less crazy now

[blessedbybug]

To be honest, I'd be jealous too, if the roles were switched as in my kiddos' first families were talking to the SW and not us. Not that they're talking to anyone much, sadly, but if that were happening, I think I'd be hurt and jealous as well.

It must be so very hard not to know more about how your daughter is doing. I really am sorry that your daughter's parents aren't communicating.

[browneyes0707]

LOL, TG! US? WHINE??

Surely you jest....

I guess not having an intermediary between a-mom and I, I never had that problem. But I'll tell you, I bet I would

HBV: I do get the whole "long" email delay, I really do. In fact I know I have to write my sister who lives in Europe and I have been putting it off cause it's a LONG one. But I will write her. And I know I definitely put high stakes on our communication, so I thank you for the perspective.

[lahdh4]

Been there -- still there.
L will tell E things that I would have no idea about except the fact that E mentions them to me.
I am really sick and tired of hearing the "we are too busy", not meant towards you HBV , it is just, to me, a lame excuse to get out of doing something. I would take a quick note saying "hey, just so you know x did this"

(((HUGS))) girls, I am off to whine with you

[bajj]

I'm sorry you are going through this, Tmom.

I can tell you, as an amom, it's easier for me to talk to the SW. Of course, we do all of our communication through the SW, but I still think it would be easier. The reason is, she was there when we first decided to adopt. She did the homestudy. She did the meeting with emom (with ds #1, ds #2's mom didn't want to meet), she was there for placement, she was there for finalization. After awhile, it's easy to talk to the SW about adoption related things.

However, that is NO excuse for blowing off your child's first family at all. I don't have any words of comfort for you. I just thought you might like to know why I find it easier to communicate with SW. Although, I would LOVE to develop a closer relationship with my boys' first families.

Hmmmm, I'm not even sure this makes sense.

[thanksgivingmom]

Ani, it makes lots of sense, thank you!

I didn't want this to come off as a whining post, or a blaming aparents post, so I really appreciate the insight you both (Ani and HBV) have provided. You both brought up things that I just hadn't thought of, so again thanks!

Maybe part of my frustration is more the social worker in part of this...like if she isn't supposed to tell me things at amoms request, then fine. But then don't say to me how often you hear from her! Or that you got a bunch of pictures the other day and how great A looks. I'm glad to hear it, but it still stings that she gets pics all the time!

[TxMom65]

You aren't whining. YOu have a right to your feelings. I never realized the downright bizarre emotions that I would encounter with adoption.

I have an adopted daughter and wish that we could have some contact with her bmom. My daughter was in foster care, removed for abuse/neglect. Our counselor asked why I would want her to have contact with this woman.

Because, I want her to feel loved. I don't want her to feel unworthy, unloved or anything less than the wonderful person that she is. No, I will not ever have her subjected to any more abuse, but I want her to know that she is loved and I wish that her bmom was someone that could fulfill that need. I know this need may not ever be met by her bmom, especially at the rate she was going.

I don't know if I can even express the feeling that I have. I read the bmom who desire the open adoption they were promised and pray that the adoptive families open their eyes.

[bajj]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

Ani, it makes lots of sense, thank you!

I didn't want this to come off as a whining post, or a blaming aparents post, so I really appreciate the insight you both (Ani and HBV) have provided. You both brought up things that I just hadn't thought of, so again thanks!

Maybe part of my frustration is more the social worker in part of this...like if she isn't supposed to tell me things at amoms request, then fine. But then don't say to me how often you hear from her! Or that you got a bunch of pictures the other day and how great A looks. I'm glad to hear it, but it still stings that she gets pics all the time!

I agree with you. If she is not going to share the pics and the info, then she doesn't need to tell you. I guess I can't imagine sharing something with the SW that I didn't want my children's first mothers to know, but we are all different.

I know you are not trying to whine or bash us aparents. You're here for support and you have every right to vent and post your feelings.

Have you talked to sw about this? Maybe you can say, "please don't give me an update if you are told NOT to share with me. I really don't want to hear a little and not get the whole "meat" of it."

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

[InBlindFaith]

Does this mean there is a possiblity DD's parents might be a little jealous too?

My Counselor has been my touchstone through the years, I'm sure they know I have always stayed in touch with her, but the Counselor isn't allowed to share my identifying info with them. I did give my permission for the parents to contact me too...if they want...all they have to do is tell the Agency they are open for contact also. I wonder if they know that????

[thanksgivingmom]

Could be Roni!