[heyruthie]

This is my first post here. Short version: I am/was the potential adoptive mom. The Bmom was/is (I don't know) on heroine and willingly gave up full custody of the kids. She then disappeared for about a year. fast forward--she finally decided she wanted them back, and after 2 years of litigation, we were not granted an adoption. The kids (my nephews, ages almost 3 and 5) have no memory of Bmom (my former SIL), and have lived with us for more than 2.5 years (since they were 5 moths and 2.5 years old.)

Instead of granting our adoption, the court has ordered an IMMEDIATE reintroduction of the Bmom in 4 days with supervised visitation. Please help! Does anyone have any good links to aid in making this as trauma-free as possible? My big question is:

Can anyone help me find literature advocating how to re-introduce Bmom with the adoptive parents PRESENT--in a family-type setting?

The court seems to think the children should meet her without my husband and I there, because Bmom wants that (she hates us, and says we "stole" them, etc.) But we think it would be MUCH better to treat it like a positive, happy event, with everyone there--so that we can support the kids if they have fears or anxieties (especially if the 5 yr old has suppressed memories of the abuse and abandonement resurface when he sees her.) I think if I provide the counselors with some information about reintroducing the Bmom in a "family" type setting, it would help our case.

Has anyone here had experience with this--either as a Bmom, or an Amom? I would love to hear either side of the story, regarding how to make it the best it can possibly be for the children.

[Lynard1210]

I posted my reply in the Relative Adoption Forum and I don't have personal experience, but as a volunteer guardian ad litem, I have heard and seen a lot of things.

I agree with you that your presence (and your husband's) would help the children feel secure during the transition. However, I'm not so sure the kids will see this as a "happy" event. Be careful with acting too happy about it. They are losing the one-on-one care of the only true parents they remember. Now the bigger issue is, will you get to see them afterwards? If not, I fear that their situation will deteriorate rapidly.

I will pray that the birthmom in your situation will do the right thing adn allow the children to spend time with you; otherwise, she may find out that she will be dealing with 2 children in severe greif. And, if she is not off drugs, I imagine they will be back in your house very soon anyway (at least I hope you would be the first ones considered). I cannot believe the judges who think that it's better for a birthmom to have her rights than for children to be protected long-term. It sickens and saddens me to hear this outcome.

[heyruthie]

thank you, again, for the thoughtful posts. i'm trying to be as "positive" about this as I can--since I'm in agony on the inside. my husband and I are absolutely heartbroken that this has happenned, and we're suddenly trying to switch gears to do everything in our (now limited) power to protect the children.

honestly, the Bmom is a very sad, sad person who was abused herself and has perpetuated the cycle of abuse. we just want to stop that cycle, and give our two, beautiful boys a "normal" life. We were hoping to accomplish that will full adoption. now, we'll need to try to accomplish it without the adoption. but our goals are still the same--to protect and love the kids--helping them to be all that they can be. that's why i'm hoping to somehow "tame" this visitaion into something that traumatizes the boys as little as possible (all the while still advocating our position that it's not in their best interests--as their therapist and both guardian ad litems testified in court.) But it's so hard, because I feel like I have to be "double minded"--on the one hand, trying to set up the event to be as "fun" as possible, while still maintaining my position that this is bad for the children. It's somewhat sick, really.

[Lynard1210]

I just realized i mis-understood your post - for some reason I thought the kids were going to be transitioned back to their bmom. I'm glad to hear that the guardian at litem is on the same page with you. That means a lot and I'm sure they will do fine as long as they have your family support. It sounds like you have a great attitude about this and you are doing what any good parent would do . . . trying to help your kids be positive about this. Good for you. The kids will eventually see the truth . .. it just takes time. Good luck to you.