[RI_AMOM]

Hello,

This question goes out to both adoptive and birth parents. I am writing my second letter to my DD's birthmother. The first one was kind of held back like and safe as it was real close to termination of rights. I sent about 8 or so pictures covering the first 3 months.

This letter is a lot more open and comfortable and me being me. I tend to be a very friendly and open person and I write the letter like I've known birthmom a long time and we are good friends. I am sending around 28 pictures to cover the past 3 months. I am also sending her a card with DD's footprint and a poem. Below is the poem:

**

Words cannot express the feelings in our heart
Our paths were meant to cross this we knew from the start
Such love, admiration and respect for you we hold
Your legacy will be honored and never go untold

The day XXXX was born we will never forget
Our hearts melted the moment we first met
In one faint moment all our dreams did come true
Our little angel born of our heart we owe her life to you

A treasure worth far more than silver or gold
A beautiful daughter to shape and mold
She is so deeply loved and cherished too
We will love and support her in whatever she may do

We watch her grow and blossom into a precious little girl
We love her more than anything in the whole entire world
Never a second do we take for granted this precious little gift
She is so perfect and amazing our hearts she does uplift

We promise to you on this your first Birthmother’s Day
A life for XXX so rich and full in every possible way
She is our life our whole entire world
Nothing more important than our special little girl

**

BTW, we have a semi open adoption that was just finalized in June. I send her letters and updates 4 times a year. I haven't received anything from her yet. DD was born end of 2006.

My parents warn that I'm sending too many pictures and giving too much information and that I could get myself in trouble. That the birthmother might regret her choice and come back to cause trouble. My husband says that I might be telling her all these wonderful things about the baby and how happy and perfect she is and that she might feel bad and start second quessing herself why she put the baby up for adoption.

To the adoptive parents - how open are you in your communication? To the birthparents - how much information would you want is too much or too many pictures sad for you?

I want to do the right thing. But I also don't want to cause problems or heartache for anyone.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

First of all, I think open adoption thru foster placement and open adoption thru a private agency are very often 2 very different situations. We adopted thru foster care, and I feel I have had to be very clear in setting boundaries. I know in the begining the b-family...and I am talking the WHOLE family...felt that there would be these great big reunions and over night visits, etc. I don't think they really understood the terms of the agreement or what it would be. Even after b-mom signed the agreement she has asked for more visits than were agreed upon. I also feel we are in the middle of a rift between b-mom and her mother as we have been told specifically NOT to have contact with b-gma unless we have her permission.

This being said, I often give all the information they need...if that sounds understandable. I tell them all about Bear, and send pictures...sometimes just a couple, other times a dozen. I tell them how he is doing and some of the family activities we have done...I share his "firsts" with them, and set up visits as the time comes.

I think we have actually shared more than we had anticipated or even wanted to at first, but there is only so much you can talk about in a 3+ hour visit. Not only that, but b-mom (also in foster care) actually lived in the house we bought last year. Unbeknownst to us when we looked and fell in love with it, the home was a foster home for teen girls with a previous owner, and perfect for our growing family. So, she knows where we live, but has never popped in or dropped by.

I think boundaries are important because much as we would LOVE to believe that b-parents who have had their children removed from their care have changed...it will never leave the back of our minds the events that brought them into care. Maybe it is just me, but it is a hard thing to overcome.

[ModernDayBradyBunch]

I replied on the aparents forum.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by RI_AMOM

BTW, we have a semi open adoption that was just finalized in June. I send her letters and updates 4 times a year. I haven't received anything from her yet. DD was born end of 2006.

My parents warn that I'm sending too many pictures and giving too much information and that I could get myself in trouble. That the birthmother might regret her choice and come back to cause trouble. My husband says that I might be telling her all these wonderful things about the baby and how happy and perfect she is and that she might feel bad and start second quessing herself why she put the baby up for adoption.

To the birthparents - how much information would you want is too much or too many pictures sad for you?

I am a bmother to a beautiful baby girl right around your daughters age...I have received one letter from DD's Mother and some pictures. We are to have a face to face sometime after finalization (which hasn't happened yet.) One of DD's amoms concerns is that if we have a face to face I will realize how perfect DD is and that I will want her back.

I KNOW how perfect she is. I don't need to see her, or see a picture of her, to know that she is a wonderful and perfect baby. It's inherent in a mothers love (or at least for me it is). To be honest, I was offended when my DD's amom said that was why she didn't want us to meet yet. I can't imagine loving DD more than I do now.

I cherish the pics I have been sent. If on any particular day, the pics become to much, I don't have to look at them, but I know they are there when I am ready.

You have to do what's right for you, and I in NO WAY mean to offend, but your parents, nor your husband, nor you can really know/understand what your DD's bmother is going through, and you shouldn't try to assume. I know that these thoughts are more than likely coming from a place of love and concern for this woman that gave birth to your child, and I appreciate the intention. I just know that when decisions were made to keep me from seeing my bdaughter because others felt it was "in my best interest" it made me feel frustrated and hurt.

I think the letter and poem and pics are great ideas.

sorry this is so long!

[loveajax]

I am delurking (again! I can't help reading this site and learning so much from it) to say that DO NOT make your decisions on what you think the "best interests" of your child's birth mom are, but on what you think the "best interests" of your child are.

I ended up in an open adoption relationship (I did not intend this pre-adoption). In any event, I became close with DD's birth mom and had EXACTLY the same worries, etc. that you are having. As it turns out (DD is 2 years old), her birth mom tells me again and again how important it is to her to see how happy/healthy DD is and how much the pictures/updates/visits mean to her. I really believe this to be true (though I know it is OBVIOUSLY very difficult for her).

DH (who is an adult adoptee from a closed situation) and I "battle" over stuff sometimes (he thinks it is too hard on dd's brith mom, etc.). That is really hard. I would probably have more visits than in our OA agreement if it were not for his opinions -- but I have to respect them too and realize that we have to come to some sort of "consensus" as a family. The reality is is that adoption IS hard for birthparents but from what I have seen NOT KNOWING how their child is doing, etc., may be the hardest thing for birth parents

Good luck to you!

[Mommy24]

I agree with Loveajax, the unknown is much harder than seeing him (my bchild) happy and healthy. each birth parent is different, but for me, I wanted all they were willing to share. I wanted pictures of him, him with his sister, pictures of them with him, I wanted to know his favorite colors, how he was developing and later on how he was doing in school, likes and dislikes. None of this made me feel like I wanted to "get him back". I placed him for a reason, one of those reasons being that I wanted him to be happy and well taken care of, what a better way to show me that than through pictures and letters.

Best of luck to you!