[NicNic]

Question for birthmom's and dad's...
Just curious...What kind of counceling/services did you receive from the agency BEFORE you looked at portfolio's of prospective adoptive parents? What were you told about open adoption? Was it accurate?

[BrandyHagz]

"counseling" is subjective...as are services.

The counseling/services I got, consisted of her bringing me some paperwork to me to have my Dr. fill out and then coming back to pick it up.

I was never offered any additional services.

I was, however, called to come speak for the agency post placement - they seemed to have far more 'services' for pre adoptive couples than they did for pre and post adoptive birthfamilies.

Not to odd at the time, but very odd to me now.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by NicNic

Question for birthmom's and dad's...
Just curious...What kind of counceling/services did you receive from the agency BEFORE you looked at portfolio's of prospective adoptive parents? What were you told about open adoption? Was it accurate?

Absolutely, 100% of nothing.

I was told absolutely nothing about adoption other than when I HAD to sign the papers (not that I COULDN'T sign the papers before 72 hours and could decide when to sign at any point after the time as I so felt was best but that I HAD to sign the papers at 72 hours). I wasn't told about grief and loss. I wasn't told that OA's were not legally enforceable in my state; I found that out myself a month after TPR.

I got absolutely nothing from my highly unethical agency. And yes, I'm still angry about it.

[BrandyHagz]

I forgot to add - no, nothing about Openness etc for me either. Everything I learned about OA I learned from my daughters parents. I had experience with openness in my own adoption (I'm adopted) but didn't know what OA was, because what we were doing never really had a name.

They were strong supporters of OA and laid it out for me.

There was never any discussion of laws etc.

I didn't hear from the agency about signing until the day after M was born - they told me what they needed me to do in regards to coming into their office, etc.

[Isabo]

Originally Posted by NicNic

Question for birthmom's and dad's...
Just curious...What kind of counceling/services did you receive from the agency BEFORE you looked at portfolio's of prospective adoptive parents? What were you told about open adoption? Was it accurate?

I received no counseling from the agency other than that adoption was best for my child, which was ridiculous. I was a middle class, almost 18 year old, all A student with a wonderful family, money in the bank saved for college, no history of ANY kind of abuse in my family, and no reason to relinquish other than shame. I heard from the social worker how men don't marry women with children, how my son would never have a father, and how I would have no future as a single mother. I received inaccurate information about my rights (I was told I had 6 months rather than 6 weeks to change my mind). I was given NO information about open adoption (which was a new concept), and I was not even given the option of a semi-open adoption. I was told that closed adoption (where I would NEVER see or hear from or about my child again) was best for my child. I was never told about the grief or loss that my child and I would experience, or how that grief and loss would increase over time. I was told I was mature for "choosing" adoption (not that I was so naive that I was easy pickings). There was no discussion about parenting options or where I might find support services for parenting. They didn't talk to me about making my decision after the baby was born. Instead, I was treated at the hospital as if the decision to relinquish was a done deal.

I was never given any choices about adoptive parents, and the adoptive parents that were chosen by the agency were people I would have NEVER chosen and were people that were and are completely different from my family. They are right wing religious to the point of crazy (I am a Christian, and I think they are WAY out there), they don't support higher education (my family is very supportive of higher education, and I have Bachelor, Masters and Doctorate degrees), and their ethics and family beliefs are very different from mine. They also have a history of mental illness in their immediate family that had a direct negative impact on my son's day to day life.

In my experience, the "counseling" provided by my agency to me as an expectant parent was not unbiased counseling designed to help me, as the parent, make an appropriate decision for my and my child. Instead it was "adoption is wonderful/aparents are saints" propaganda designed to heavily influence (coerce) me to relinquish. The agency also did not follow up with me to make sure I was OK, and they did not offer services to me after the relinquishment. They just closed my file and wished me Godspeed out the door.

[lahdh4]

Originally Posted by NicNic

Question for birthmom's and dad's...
Just curious...What kind of counceling/services did you receive from the agency BEFORE you looked at portfolio's of prospective adoptive parents? What were you told about open adoption? Was it accurate?

If I had gone to the agency earlier I would have had some counseling. Agency told me about OA since that is what they mostly deal with and educuate people about. I was informed that while it wasn't legally binding in my state I could have the paperwork filed and placed in her file.
I was told it was a lot of work and sometimes it would hit roadblocks but they would help. So far that is correct.

[InBlindFaith]

My adoption was closed, so I never looked at profiles.

I was provided counseling before and after. The Agency highly recommended it and the adoptive parents were also encouraging it afterwards!! I guess I was one of the few back then.

The sad thing is...I haven't been able to find any Birthmother Support groups near me.

[Free_to_be_me]

I connected with my agency when I was about 7 months along. I had weekly counseling with my counselor for about a month before looking at profiles, plus we talked on the phone for about an hour almost every day. My counselor was amazing...I don't know what her credentials were or what training she had, but she was just phenomenal.

She explored my feelings about adoption, grief and loss, my relationship with the birthfather and what pressure I was getting to place. She also explored issues of openness and informed me of the legal aspects of adoption (i.e. openness not legally enforcable, can sign paperwork anytime after 72 hours, ten day period to change my mind...) She also tried very hard to get me to explore parenting options, but I didn't want to go there. She did ask my parents if I would be able to live at home with the baby if I changed my mind (which was very, very appropriate in my situation) and did all that she could to make sure that there was a plan in place in case I did change my mind.

She left me and the birthfather alone as we looked through profiles, but talked with us about our choices and setting up interviews with the families we selected. She also mediated the interviews and helped us come up with a plan to tell the family that we selected them.

After baby was born, we continued to talk on the phone frequently for a couple months and continued to be available if I needed to talk to her until 10 years afterwards. Then, she retired...

[inhisgrip]

I think I had about 5 sessions of counseling before I looked at profiles. Honestly, I was ready to look at the profiles long before the counselor offered.

I felt like I had enough counseling prior to profiles. The counselor asked me my reasons for wanting to place at every session and we talked about what it would it would look like. Openness was mentioned almost every time. Parenting was brought up but I shot that idea down.

I've continued to meet with the counselor since placement. In fact we are having lunch next week.

Overall I think I had plenty of counseling and don't regret anything.

[ModernDayBradyBunch]

The agency I worked with sent me profiles before they even got my paperwork! (It was on it's way via Fed Ex) I didn't receive any counseling...they just asked me what I was looking for in a family and then sent me the ones that "fit". I asked them about OA and about what happens if the aparents didn't follow through and I wasn't told they weren't binding...what I was told was, "Well, the contact was spelled out during your initial conference call with the family, so if they don't follow through, contact us and we'll talk to them. I (the agency worker) heard them agree, so it's not something you need to worry about." Discussing state laws is a VERY sore subject with me. I would rather not go into detail here, but my entire life was flipped upside down to make the adoption "easier" on the aparents and the agency. I've been searching these forums for a while now and I have yet to find anyone that has gone through an adoption even similar to mine. At the time (and I'm talking just a few months ago) I thought it was normal and that it "had to be done" (the agency threatened to stop working with me if I didn't agree and I was due in less than two weeks and felt I had no choice) but looking back, I wish it had gone differently. When I say that I had a good experience with our adoption, I mean that I love my son's aparents and ultimately he has what I wanted for him. As for the agency, that's a different story. But (and I've been saying this a LOT lately!) hindsight is 20/20.

Jenna - I read your reply about "having" to sign at 72 hours. I, too, had the 72 hour limit and when those hours were up, I received phone calls nonstop from the agency telling me to go sign. ("Are you there yet?" "Just wanted to see if you were there yet." "Have you signed the paperwork yet?" "I told them you would be there. Can you give me an approximate time because we don't want C & L to worry(my son's aparents)." I wasn't told that I "had" to sign and I wasn't told I could wait. I was told 72 hours and then they were on me like vultures. And during the time of the phone calls, I was driving with my husband, on the way there to sign (I was confident in my decision, just annoyed at the pressure), and we were trying to talk one-on-one about our feelings, so hearing that made me feel like a trapped rabbit. When we did get there, it was like a business meeting. There was no counseling, no "are you sure's"...it was "read this over to make sure the info is correct" and "this is where you sign...here...here...here..." and we signed, they said thank you and take care, and we left. End of story. Now, I knew our decision was solid, we had no regrets...but looking back, I think they took that for granted and pushed a little harder than they needed to.