[mom2GRLC]

We started talking about this on another thread and wanted to get some more opinions.

1)If you are a birthparent, do you remember your childs birthday each year? If not, pease explain why not.

2) If your an adoptive parent, how would you feel if you found out your childs birthmother couldn't remember your childs birthdate.

3) if your an adoptee, have you had any experience with this? How did it make you feel.

4) think of how you would feel as an adoptee....to find out your birthmother never remembered your birthdate. What if you were in an open adoption...would that change anything?

Any and ALL views?opinions welcome.....but BE HONEST!!

[mom2GRLC]

2) If your an adoptive parent, how would you feel if you found out your childs birthmother couldn't remember your childs birthdate.


I would feel sorrowful thinking how hurtful that could be to my child, to know that. I'd feel ANGRY that the birthparent didn't cherish every memory surrounding that time and keep it close to her heart(when I missed out on all those precious memories). I'd feel sad that the birthparent had to put those times out of her headjust to get through each day. very very sad.

4) think of how you would feel as an adoptee....to find out your birthmother never remembered your birthdate. What if you were in an open adoption...would that change anything?

I would feel sad, worthless, unimportant, like my birth and life wasn't worth celebrating, angry thinking my birthmom really didn't care about me or think I was special enough to remember. I'd feel angry that she couldn't move past her own feelings of hurt/loss and think of me and how it feels to be ignored/forgotten. I'd also feel sad and sorry for my birthmom that I caused her so much pain and loss in her life. I might even wish I had never even been born....at least under those conditions.(I'm talking here thinking of more of a closed-adoption/reunion situation, but I think I'd feel some of those feelings in an open relationship as well....in which there was little contact, sparatic contact, or lots of other stuff involved).

In a fully open adoption I think the potential for pain/hurt/anger in the adoptive child would also be pretty high. If the birthday was only awknowledged occasionally. I think it would have to be an all or nothing kinda deal (consistently always being awknowledged each year or consistantly not). It's the "sparatic remembering/forgeting that I could see as a problem).

[bromanchik]

I remember my son's birthday every year, but I have to say I struggle. There have been years that the package was late, but I called every birthday. I like to think of myself as being pretty together, the loss of my son is fairly well integrated, but his birthday hits me like a ton of bricks every year. I really believe it is a trauma reaction. We tend to want to avoid those things that remind us of painful memories.

[SchmennaLeigh]

1)If you are a birthparent, do you remember your childs birthday each year? If not, pease explain why not.

I not only remember but am thrown into a pool of memories that are sometimes good, sometimes hard and always loving.




4) think of how you would feel as an adoptee....to find out your birthmother never remembered your birthdate. What if you were in an open adoption...would that change anything?

This actually happened, A LOT, in the Baby Scoop era (people really need to read The Girls Who Went Away), when mothers were put completely out for the birth of the baby. They didn't know the exact time or date or GENDER of their child. This is not exactly as uncommon as you're trying to make it sound. Beyond that, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, which unfortunately hits a lot of birth parents, can make it hard to remember details as well.

[gottahavehope]

Today is my son's first birthday and so this post hit me hard. I am worried about my son's birthmother and how she must be feeling today. I wonder if she is re-livng the memories of where we all were last year at this time. I desperately want to reach out to her, but I'm afraid to given our current situtation.....I just hope and pray that she is okay and that she makes it through today. I know she is thinking about it. She has expressed to me that she thinks about the day of the week he was born, the time that he was born at, and I'm sure this date. This morning, I told my son about his birthstory while we cuddled on the couch. I wonder if he will grow up to know her and get to share any of his birthdays with all of us. I don't know..... It's a bittersweet day.
Peace,
K

[NJNative]

Considering my son's situation (abandoned by birth mother, birth father never in the picture, neglected before adoption), I wouldn't be in the least bit surprised if my son's birth mother did not remember the date of his birth.

[BrandyHagz]

No, not until this year (but you knew that, since it was my response to another that prompted this thread).

I remembered the general time frame (end of the month of Feb) and knew it was coming– but not the exact date. There was a lot going on at that time and it just wasn’t something that stuck with me.

I should add, however, that I’m not a date’s person – I don’t even know when my anniversary is…it’s the first part of November, but the exact date will be sent to me as a reminder on Nov 1…as with everything else in my life...I get notification to keep me on track.

As far as my birthmom not remembering my birthday – no, she doesn’t and in my book, not remembering the date I was born and forgetting about my birthday are two different things. Like I said, I didn’t remember the date my daughter was born, but I never forgot her birthday (she always got a card/gift on (or around) time)

I have never forgotten M’s birthday (meaning, every year she gets a card/gift) but as I said, until this year, I didn’t remember her actual date of birth (I still have to do the math for the year…)

[bajj]

My oldest son's Bmom forgot his actual date. She knew he was born on Friday and she was kind of stuck on the Friday part near the date. It didn't offend me at all because it was such a horrifying time in her life, and not just the pregnancy/adoption, either. She is a wonderful person and has never forgotten J, she just didn't remember the number, but new near it and like I said, kind of got stuck on the, "he was born on Friday night" thing.

[thanksgivingmom]

My daughter hasn't had a birthday BUT my daughter was born on Thanksgiving (hence "Thanksgivingmom") and sometimes I'll blank on the date, because it really sticks to me that it was Thanksgiving. Since thanksgiving changes every year I very well might blank on her bdate.

Having said that, my parents, often don't remember the actual date of my birthday and I have to remind them.

[quantum]

I remembered my bson's birthday. Ok, sometimes I get confused and think it's the 7th instead of the 6th. But it's always been something that i remember and had a hard time around this time of year.
Never helped he was born the monday before Mother's day!

He was born in the mid 80's but my doctor was one who abided by the 'forget about it, know nothing' book. Ack I get so angry now!!! Wishing I'd had more chutzpah!!! And took a bit more control.

Ok, sorry. The only thing I managed to forget is the bdad's last name! Ack!

[Isabo]

Originally Posted by mom2GRLC

We started talking about this on another thread and wanted to get some more opinions.

1)If you are a birthparent, do you remember your childs birthday each year? If not, pease explain why not.

I am a first mother and I have always remembered my son's birthday. I remember his height and weight at birth too. I gave birth through natural labor, so there were no drugs to cloud my memories (the drugs were offered, but the nurses never bothered to bring them).

Actually, the month of May ends up being a time of mourning and celebration for me at the same time. I honor my lost motherhood on Mother's Day, and then I celebrate my son's birthday the week after. It has always been a very tough time, and honestly I don't look forward to May. At reunion, I was finally able to celebrate my son's birthday WITH HIM by himself on that day. It was wonderful and the world was right as it should have been for that moment. It meant so much to both of us, and I was able to share his birthstory with him that day for the first time. May is still a tough month and his birthday is still hard for both of us - it is the anniversary of the beginning of our separation from each other. Both of us struggle to view that as a time to celebrate.

SchmennaLeigh makes a good point about those mothers who gave birth during the Baby Scoop Era. Between the drugs they were given during delivery and afterwards, the way they were treated in the hospital, the lack of support or the outright prevention of them being able to see and hold their child, and the Post Tramatic Stress Syndrome that many suffer from, it is fairly common for them not to remember the exact date of their child's birth. To further complicate this, birth certificates were sometimes altered to give false dates, so even if the mother remembers correctly, the child/adult may be celebrating on the wrong day.

[SallyLF]

I found my birthmom last year and she didn't know my birthday, and didn't know my gender either, until I told her. Sure I was surprised and a little hurt, it didn't fit with the fantasy I'd created about how much she loved and thought of me through the years. As adoptees I think we have to not put too much importance on these details as to the significance of their meaning. Sure I could say "she didn't care about me" but the bigger picture is that she was going through the most difficult and traumatic experience of her life and the date of my birth is a pretty small detail on a scale of things, considering her psychological state and what she was up against. She was told, and believed, the less she knew about me the easier it would be for her to move on and heal.

I am also a birthmother and yes I remember every detail - date, time, birth weight, doctors and nurses comments at the time, 16 years later. There were years remembering these things felt like torture, but I've chosen to hang onto the information, to keep it in my heart because that's just my personal process. But it was a different era from my bmom's, and we are all different people. It's true, many of us are not "date" people. My adad, who was the most thoughtful, generous man had to ask me every year when my bday was. He knew the month but the day always escaped him. And I have some very close friends whose bdays I can NEVER remember (is it the 14th or the 16th?) in spite of celebrating every year, and I have friends from long ago I haven't seen in decades and have no idea where they are anymore who's bdays I can't get out of my head. It isn't a matter of caring about them or not, it's just the intricacies of my brain (dis)function, lol!

Someone remembering or not remembering your bday shouldn't be too tied up with one's self worth - human beings are too complex to simplify like that, to attach meaning to in such broad strokes IMO.

[thanksgivingmom]

Just to add, when I brought my DD to the hospital, I was not informed of her height/weight or other details that I would cherish. At the time, I felt foolish and awkward asking these questions. Like I should have already known or been told. So while I to this day do not know how long she was or how much she weighed at birth, I have my own information that I hold on to.

Also, my daughters birth was VERY natural, not even an aspirin in sight (nor did I take ANYTHING after her birth), so while there weren't chemicals to cloud my memory per se, there were so many other things going on that some of the small details do escape me, though I try very hard to remember them and record them.

[InBlindFaith]

I'm a birthparent. No matter how hard I tried to push DD to the back of my thoughts I always remembered her birthday. I remember the events the day before she was born and everything I did and wore the day of. I can even remember the days in the hospital and returning home. Unfortunately I can not remember her weight and length.

Last summer when a third party contacted her she panicked and her first question was "How do you know my birthday?" Well, how could I forget?