[josh1788smom]

Ok - so I am not really jumping the amom, but I thought I'd try a Enquirer kind of "headline" to grab attention because I really want thoughts on this from bmoms, amoms, etc.

The lowdown - My son's aparents are my dad's cousin and his wife. The family has had a HUGE wedge in it since my son was adopted by them. I have written my dad's cousin (adad) e-mails and have also written amom a letter (delivered certified to her house - signed by her). I have gotten NOTHING from these people. IT IS MAKING ME NUTS!!! This is family for God's sake.

Amom is a teacher; she will be out of school in a couple weeks. I thought about calling her at home and asking her to lunch. It would be a couple hour drive for me, but what do I have to loose. I have to do something. I am not a sit around person.

The rift in our family, I was foolish enough to believe would disappear, but it is obvious to me now, I have to kick it up a notch. I may gain nothing, but for the sake of all this, don't I have to try??????

Seriously - be brutal - I need all thoughts and opinions.

[BrandyHagz]

Well, she's made it pretty clear by not responding to you that she isn't open to talking to you (you know she got your communication, because she signed for it) so my question is - what do you hope to get from this? It's not going to lessen the 'wedge' any more - in fact, your pushing could make it worse...causing more conflict and anger in the family.

As long as your prepared for that - I guess you have nothing to lose...but if it were me personally, I'd take the (ever so rudely delivered) hint and just let it go...I doubt pushing is going to get you what you want...being nice hasn't done the trick.

You wanted honesty That's my honesty on how I feel about it.

[kelceesmom]

I'm sure there is more to what you are writing about but just from what I have read, they really don't seem to be budging.

Like Brandy says, if you are prepared to be completely alientated then I guess you have nothing to lose. I hope things work out and you will be able to see you bson at some point.

[josh1788smom]

The adad (my actual relative) has written me e-mails. Should I even bother corresponding with him? I was thinking I would like this mom to know I am not a threat to her. I think it is how she went about taking my son and her insecurity that makes her the way she is. I am trying my best to rise above it and be the bigger person. I keep trying to be the bigger person. Maybe it is useless, but I feel like it is unfair beyond the whole adoption thing. This is not just an adoptive family that does not want to acknowledge a birthmom; this is my family that is happier living a lie that they got my son through an agency than having a relationship with my family. Does that make sense? Plus, I am a little jealous that other bmoms can forge relationships with amoms. Like my friends said, I would be treated better by strangers.

[browneyes0707]

I feel your frustration, I really do. But sometimes being the bigger person is taking the high road and not letting people who are negative towards us affect us too much. Chances are she will NEVER be warm to you , even if you handed her a million dollars (after all, you gave her your son and the chance to be a mother, and look , that's worth WAY more than money and that didn't help much!) The fact is a relationship takes two willing people to be successful ,and I've had to learn the hard way that when you are the only person willing, it's not worth having that in your life. You deserve better.

Now if you have a good relationship with the a-dad, and it is mutual and it is healthy, why shouldn't you keep corresponding with him? If he enjoys it and she doesn't, it's her loss Don't do this too much! It's not worth the energy!

[TxMom65]

My gut feeling is that she wouldn't do lunch.
This is probably not the right thing to suggest, but is there someone in the family that is still speaking to both parties and can mediate?

[josh1788smom]

Who knows. When I talked to my aunt (adoptive grandma) she thought I willingly gave my son to her son and his wife. I do know that when my parents made me call them to come get him, some of his family members, his mom included did not encourage it as a good idea. I told my aunt it was my parents who wanted her son to parent (I was 17 - my parents signed consent forms because I was a minor - my dad forced my consent on those without an attorney, etc. He took them to a notary who notarized it was my signature, but I did not even sign in front of a notary). Anyhow, I was told those papers terminated when I turned 18 - less than a month later. I would not sign the papers and neither did bdad. They petitioned the court to adopt from the papers my parents signed. I told my aunt all this, and she did not understand why I did not tell my dad I wanted my baby. Do you really think I never told him that?????

I have e-mailed the adad a couple times and he tells me some stuff like sports, activities, etc.

Last week I went incognito to my bson's high school graduation, it was weird. Amom was not really around him much - she was more with her parents and handicapped sister and adad followed him around like a puppy. But I think the adad and agrandma (my aunt) kind of had a suspicion I was there.

It is the craziness that makes me so nuts!!!

[Leigh131313]

I don't know what to tell you. She may never be interested in a relationship. I think that is something that you have to come to terms with. It's true, some people have fantastic stories of communication - but as we all know, no two adoptions are the same. Sometimes you just have to accept that you can't control the other person in a relationship, kwim?