[mom2GRLC]

On the topic of open adoption...do you feel that updates/pictures should go both ways?

For example...many adoptive parents agree to send a certian amount of letters/updates/pictures so many times a year to the birthfamily.

My question is if an open adoption is about the "child" then why would there not ALSO be a part in the agreement that the birthparent send the child letters/updates/pictures so many times a year. So that the child can TRULY benefit from openess?

Why does it seem so one sided? And not in favor of the CHILD?

My question isn't adressing wether open adoption is good....but rather...couldn't it be BETTER....and more CHILD centered if it focuses more on the child and what the child needs in openess?

[HappyTwinsMom]

I agree with you and have to admit it sometimes frustrates me that I exert a lot of effort to make sure my girls' birthmom is "in the loop" but the same doesn't hold for her.

Yes, if it truly is about the child, then the updates and communication should go both ways. If my girls ever get to a point where they want to pursue a relationship with their birthmom, they don't really know anything about her because she doesn't keep in touch. She, on the other hand, knows everything there is to know about the children and our lives.

[browneyes0707]

I actually do. I have sent DD's a-mom pics of me several times in the past year and when I write I not only ask about DD, and what is going on on their end, I do update them on my life,as I would any friend whom I correspond with. In fact, when I got engaged I e-mailed her a few days later to share.

I'm hoping that she is saving the pics and updates to share with DD too when that bridge is crossed. To be honest, I just did it, I never gave the openess any thought, I just figured part of an open adoption is that it IS two sided, but that's just my experience

[Mommy24]

The question that popped in my head first when reading this is whether or not you have communicated the desire for pictures from your child's bmom? Have you told her what type of pictures you want? Pics of just her? Her parents? Her siblings?

The reason I say this, For me, I was always afraid of overstepping my boundaries, wasn't sure what they wanted. I had the same insecurities as my bson's mom in the beginning. I was afraid if I sent to many pics, or to often, it was like shoving myself down their throats, so I found that just communicating worked. Sometimes I would just ask in a letter, "do you mind if I send you some copies of some new pics I have?" She in return would always say "Of course!" And if she felt like it had been a while since she had gotten pics from me, she would ask for them.

I do believe it should be both ways, but again it is all about communicating your desires to each other.


ETA: I also wasn't sure if she wanted pics of my family, in the end, she did. She wanted to be able to share pics of his entire bfamily.

[SchmennaLeigh]

We send a monthly picture to of Nicholas doing something new or something he loves to the Munchkin.

[HappyTwinsMom]

I've asked our daughters' birthmom to send anything - letters, cards, pictures, whatever. She just doesn't. I don't know if it's her personality or she's too busy or she doesn't want to. That's why I get frustrated sometimes. The only photos I have of her are ones I took when we had a visit 2 1/2 years ago. Due to geography and finances, we don't have regular visits, but I'd sure like some kind of communication.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by HappyTwinsMom

I've asked our daughters' birthmom to send anything - letters, cards, pictures, whatever. She just doesn't. I don't know if it's her personality or she's too busy or she doesn't want to. That's why I get frustrated sometimes. The only photos I have of her are ones I took when we had a visit 2 1/2 years ago. Due to geography and finances, we don't have regular visits, but I'd sure like some kind of communication.

As a note: I've never written "THE" letter that most adoptive parents want for their child from the birth family. I positively cannot do it.

[BrandyHagz]

I don't send pictures - but I'm not taking pictures either - for parents of a growing baby, its just different, you take tons of pictures - the baby changes and grows...I look at the pictures that M and her family have of me, and I look almost the same...

I have sent two pictures in six years - they are the only 2 pictures I have taken in six years.

[lahdh4]

We have it in our agreement that I will give them one new picture of me a year. It is also that bdad would as well. He hasn't and I usually only take pictures with my friends and so the one I usually send is one of J and I. Every time I get pictures I write a quick letter and let them know I got them and give a quick update. Not that I know what is going on with J.

[aldes]

we alternately get tons of pics or none. She doesn't keep track of what she sends so lots of times they are repeats. She used to send pics of family members but no info on who they were, how they were related or if they are alive or dead. Now we get tons & tons of pics of new kiddo..or none..
Yes I believe it SHOULD go both ways. Our birthmom wants DETAILS, but she writes NOTHING about herself. (Oh, happy birthday, I had a new little brother for you to be a big sister ..as in, BTW) The other things she's mentioned is having found dd's baby pictures...and didn't send them & having 1st stuffed animal given to dd...and not sending it. I feel like these things belong to dd & she's holding them hostage. What I can't come to grips with is why she would tell dd those things??? It's been rough...sigh

[Leigh131313]

I absolutely think it needs to be two way for it to be fully effective. As to what extent - I don't know. M's birthmom doesn't send us pics, but I have plenty of her that I take at visits. She doesn't write us updates, but when we talk on the phone she brings me up to date. I think as long as the info is going both ways, that's a pretty healthy thing.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by mom2GRLC

On the topic of open adoption...do you feel that updates/pictures should go both ways?

For example...many adoptive parents agree to send a certian amount of letters/updates/pictures so many times a year to the birthfamily.

An arrangement where adoptive parents send letters and pictures a few times a year is not open adoption, it is not even close.

My definition of open adoption is a relationship in which the child is involved. So yes, in that respect, there needs to be some reciprocity. That's what makes child-centered open adoption so difficult. When the child is involved they are called to go out of their comfort level to do what is best for the child.

It is difficult for some adoptive parents to nurture a birthparent-child relationship. They fear it, or they feel like they will lose control of their family, or they don't want to "share" (I have heard that many times.)

It is difficult for birthparents. They are afraid of their children's questions, they are afraid that if they overstep the boundaries (which are most often undefined and/or unspoken) they wil be cut off - another thing I have seen a lot of. They are afraid of being overwhelmed by grief at inappropriate times. They are almost always afraid of saying the wrong thing.

As you can see the most difficult thing about open adoption is overcoming fear. Hopefully, we find a way, because we love our children. The real trick is being clear in our communication. During the first year I could not talk on the phone. Hearing my son in the background always started me sobbing. I was able to tell my son's mom that and we figured out other ways...

[blessedbybug]

I believe that what you are describing (mutual sending of letters/pictures) is a good first step in a fully OPEN adoption. But it isn't open adoption. Open adoption is this PLUS regular communication on top of sending letter and pics AND visits. ANything less is some form of semi-open.

I think fully open adoptions do benefit the child because both families are there to be a part of the child's life in a real way. My DD (age 3) is just starting to really grasp who her first family is, that they are real. But they are still in pictures. I wish we could see them. Go to the park. Visit. That would make them really real to her. We have not had contact with DS's First MOther in person since his birth. I fear we never will. It should go both ways. But some aren't ready for that.

[SweetMamaMe]

I didn't get that the op was saying pictures and letters make an open adoption. I'm gathering she is talking about the pics and letters that are in addition to visits, etc.

[mom2GRLC]

I am really discussing either semi-open and open adoption.

If it's a semi-open than that would make two way communication even more necessary for the BENEFIT of the child. Otherwise how is the child really benefiting, when the birthfamily knows so much but the child and adoptive family are left in the dark.

If it's a open adoption with visits and updates/pictures along with it....it's still important. The birthparent is still being updated on all the new things the chidl is learnging and doing and seeign their pictures. But what about the child. All they really know is that they get together and play with this nice person every now and then. Well...how is the child really supposed to KNOW the birthmother.

For example. My parents divoprced when I was 6. I used to go visit my dad every now and then and a little less as I got in my pre-teen years. And yes while I had good (and some bad) memories visiting with him I still didn't really KNOW him at all. I still don't really know much about my family history, medical history, or eally who he is as a person....only what i can gather from his outward appearance.

I guess that's what i want for my kids. I don't want them to have this shallow/skin deep(sorry can't think of another word) relationship. i want them to REALLY develope a relationship with them. Where those family, birth, life experiences, beliefs, values, etc can be shared.

So they can truly FIND those answers of who they are, where they came from, why they were placed(or taken away), how much their loved etc.

I know it sounds like a lot to want for my kids. But really is it too much? Isn't that the whole purpose of an open adoption....so they can KNOW who their birthfamily is and have all those answers to their questions.

In the past to get ANY information from our kids birthfamilies especially birthmother. Felt like I was opening my whole soul, life etc up to her and for so long felt completely shut off from those things I felt my kids needed...just the basic stuff.