[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by mom2GRLC

In the past to get ANY information from our kids birthfamilies especially birthmother. Felt like I was opening my whole soul, life etc up to her and for so long felt completely shut off from those things I felt my kids needed...just the basic stuff.

Such as.....?

The thing is, many birthparents have no idea where to start. Not only that, but much of the "adoption" information is traumatic and definately not easy to revisit. (In fact, avoidance is one of the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) I still, 23 years later, will go miles out of my way to avoid the office where I received pregnancy counseling.

One of the reasons I put together A Birthparent's Book of Memories was to give birthparents a guideline. It still takes most birthparents I know who have used it 3 - 5 years to finish.

I guess I would start out with something fun. Favorites, talents, how they feel about life. The adoption stuff may take years to process. Those wounds run deep.

[mom2GRLC]

She knew exactly the kinds of answers/stories/histoires I wanted for my child.

Infact to make it even easier on her so she knew exactly what kinds of things we hoped for....I even made a book for my daughter. i mailed her birthmom all the pages and asked her to pick one each month (since she siad she'd write my daughter each month...but never did) to fill out and send as her letter or along with a note...etc. But she wouldn't even do that.

The book was filled with a bunch of questions asking everything from Her favorite memories as a child, to how she met the birthfather, how she felt when she found out she was pregnant, memories from her pregnancy, her birth, her first year of life, what birthmom wanted to be when she grew up, talents she had, likes/dislikes, etc.etc.

Her birthmom finally did fill it out (though most of it was very vague, and not written in the tone I hoped my daughter would get.) I wanted those pages to be filled with love and stories that my daughter would treasure....but what she did fill out mainly was only done ...to please me...and get me off her back. So i was more sadened by recieving them then anything else. Yes there was some stuff in their that I hope my daughter will really value..but I couldn't help but be dissapointed.

[thanksgivingmom]

I am often worried about overstepping my place with letters. I was absolutely terrified to send DDs mom a Mothers Day card and could finally breathe a sigh of relief when I found out she was glad I had sent letters and the card. Since DD's placement, I have sent three letters and a card. I have received one letter just last week.

The picture thing stresses me out beyond belief. DD's mom could send any picture of A to me, and I would cherish it forever. The only picture that they have of me is one that was taken at the SW's a couple weeks after DD was born. I didn't know I would have my pic taken and I am sure I look extremely haggard. I found out in the letter that the pic is in A's baby book. I have selected a picture of me at my Masters Graduation to send from when I was three months pregnant.

I also journal and have pics set aside that it is my dream I may someday give to A in person.

[mom2GRLC]

For those of you that want to send stuff....SEND IT!!! Don't be afraid to.

Put together your letter for your bchild then write the adoptive parents a short letter/note and make sure you say something like... "please save these letters for DD or DS to share with them whenever you feel the time is right".

As long as you make it clear that it's up to them when the child should see those letters, than I don't see any problem with it, as far as stepping over boundaries.

The thing is you never know if you'll be alive long enough to share those special things with the child and if you do wait years and years to share them you'll likley forget quite a bit by then.

So if you CAN"T send them to your bchild all along the way....make sure you write them down somewhere...for yourself and for your bchild to share with them someday.

My mom died when I was 16....she did keep one journal and I treasure it.....but beyond that so much has been lost.

Yes, I can hear some of those stories from others....but it's different....I'd love to have heard those stoires/feelings in her words.

That is why written contact is SOOOOO important in my mind. So much is lost...when it isn't written down.

Since my daughters birthmom doesn't write her....I prefer to speak to her throguh IM and E-MAIL at least that way... I can save those conversations and someday when my daughter is old enough I'll allow her to read them if she wants to.

I guess you can say that's our compromise. She doesn't want to write actual letters....I don't like to talk on the phone....so we meet somewhere in the middle....where we both seem to be able to communicate better...and yet it is still preserved...for my daughter to go back and find answers to her questions or just to get to KNOW her birthmother more.

[browneyes0707]

I can tell you that if I was given a book like that, say, anytime in the last 15 years, I would not have filled it out the way anyone would have wanted me too either. I didn't know how to talk about the pregnancy, I mean how do you say "I casually dated your b-dad, we had a nasty breakup and then I found out you were coming right before I was leaving for college and I freaked out and your b dad walked away?" to where a child wants to hear it? It wasn't a pleasant thing for me to revisit during those years, so my answers would be quite vague. Now is a different story, in the last year I've done a lot of processing and came to terms with a lot, and I have given lots of thought to those questions so that when the time comes for me to answer them I can answer them honestly and positively. I have started a journal to give to DD hopefully someday that will tell those stories, but it's taken me a lot to get to this point. Maybe it's possible that your childs b mom was not in a place where she could really handle answering those wquestions either. Hopefully, she will get there too.

DD's a mom has a letter and pics that I sent for DD when she is ready, and I also hope she is saving our e mails too. (I've saved all of them in case as well.) I too get very afraid to send letters, only because like others have said I dont get a lot of responses back (she tries, I know!) and I'm still trying to negotiate the frequency so it's not overwhelming. I've resorted to setting my own boundaries, and so far my anxiety has subsided a bit, but that's cause it's still not time to write yet! I so much wish things were more consistent and frequent, but it also needs to be within the comfort level of the other person to be sucessful, so hopefully we will get there someday!

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

As a note: I've never written "THE" letter that most adoptive parents want for their child from the birth family. I positively cannot do it.

As an adoptive mom, I'd take anything. My older daughter's adoption is completely closed. I truly wish I could send her birthmother a letter so she could know how great Maire-Kate is doing. But her birthmom never told anyone she was pregnant-and wanted no contact because she never wanted anyone to find out.

Hanna's adoption is supposed to be semi-open with the exchange of letters and pictures. I send letters & pictures 4 times a year-but I've never gotten a response. I even sent mementos (like a pretty slip from her baptism) and hand prints & footprints..etc. We didn't meet before the adoption because the bmom was not in touch with the agency. I know she did get in touch with the agency around Christmas and received the album that aparents are supposed to make for bparents. It had pictures of my older daughter, the house, relatives, a letter my daughter had written..etc. The agency said she was glad to have it-and was happy that Hanna had a sister. But that was the only thing I ever heard.

Maybe getting more letters or receiving the slip was too painful-but no one (including the agency) ever gives me any feedback so I'm at a loss as to what I should be doing.

[Casey677]

Originally Posted by Kat-L

As an adoptive mom, I'd take anything.

Ditto! We entered into two semi-open adoptions. With the first one, I really hoped it would become fully open. Unfortunately, we completely lost contact with Hanna's bmom before she turned one. I will NEVER give up hope that she will contact us again. I closed every letter with our cell number (which has not changed since 1999). Hopefully one day she will either call or write us a letter through the agency. I do have two letters from her that I will treasure forever and one day share with Hanna. Neither are "the" letter, but I never really expected to get one of those. I just wanted to know what was going on with her life.

With our second adoption, I've received many wonderful things from Sofie's bmom. Letters written at the hospital, a picture she drew, a collage she made me for Mother's Day. Everything she sends is absolutely sacred. I am very hopeful that she will continue to update us throughout our daughter's life. It will probably never be an open adoption (there are many reasons for this which I won't get into on a public forum) but I do want there to be a relationship between our dd and her bmom.