[PaperPregnant]

Hello, everyone.

My name is Michelle. My DH and I have been approved to adopt for nine months today. We have had more than a dozen and a half profile presentations to potential birthmothers and three interviews. We have not been selected, and it's becoming very disheartening and hard to continue.

We are looking for an open adoption, including visits a couple of times a year. We truly believe it is the best option for everyone involved, especially the child.

I'm just frustrated at this point and trying to figure out what is wrong with us. We both have good jobs, a nice home, great schools, wonderful support system, etc. etc. And, even more, we truly do want an open adoption and we respect and honor the strength and courage it has to take to decide to enter into an adoption plan.

I need some encouragement to continue with this journey. I'm not a quitter by nature, but I'm also used to being good at most things. The almost continuous rejection is starting to take its toll.

Sorry for the rant... my real reason for all the above is to find out if any birthparents are willing to share how and why they selected their child's adoptive parents. Is it really just about making a connection? What was most important to you? I'm hoping that knowing a bit more about what birthparents find important will help us make better decisions about whether to present our profile to potential birthparents.

Thanks to anyone who is willing to help. Best wishes for hope and peace to all...

[jaenelle]

Not a birthparent... but I asked very much this same question on another thread earlier, and was told that there are as many different things that birthparents are looking for as there are birthparents. You simply can't put a sure answer to something that depends so much on the individual person.

I was told, when we were waiting, that when our child was ready for us, they would come to us. That it was in God's hands. I didn't believe at the time, but I saw my daughter for the first time and then I knew all those people were right.

[HBV]

I will echo Jaenelle---we didn't wait quite that long, but ANY waiting is hard. I totally understand the frustration factor---if you are a "take charge" type of person who is used to getting things done and doing them well, situations where you have absolutely no control are maddening. I only have a couple of suggestions for you from the amom perspective:

1. Talk to your agency about your profile. Our counselor called us and said she was getting comments that our letter made us seem "too formal". We redid the letter and 2 weeks later we were matched. Could have been a coincidence, but who knows?

2. Keep yourself busy. Go do things with your husband, organize your house, read, travel, whatever... the time will pass more quickly and will be more pleasant.

3. Rely on your faith, whatever it might be. Your child will come to you. When that happens, these few months of anxiousness and frustration will seem like 5 minutes.

Hope the waiting's over soon!

[StorkWatcher]

The two things that kept me going through the wait were the desperate want and need to become a mom, and the faith that whay Jaenelle said is true - your child that is meant just for you will be sent to you at the right time.

Holidays are hard. Passing the 9 month mark is VERY hard (because we tell ourselves, "we'd have a baby now if we'd conceived....", and the first year annivsary of waiting is hard. Because you get imaginary timelines in your heart about when you think this all ought to happen. It was impossible for me not to!

And you starting doubting yourself. BUT DON'T! All you can do is remind yourselves about the great qualities you have that will make you wonderful parents. And use this time to better yourselves (financially, or by reading up on child rearing, or doing things you won't be able to do as easily once you have kids) to be more ready to take on that job.

As far as we know, we ended up being chosen by our son's birthmom because she liked the fact that we had horses, we must have looked like nice people, and we had put on our profile we were hoping for semi-open or an open relationship. In the end, SHE chose semi-open, and since we accepted that, it all worked out.

I wonder, too, if part of the reason she chose us is that, on paper, we all have some really similar physical qualities. Maybe she made some connection with that.....

Whatever the reasons, it's because you and the expectant mom/parents will make a connection. It may be a simple one, or because you both have great-aunts named Bertha, or because she just liked the shirt you were wearing in one of your photos, and it clicked with her.

Do you remember dating, when there were guy friends you might have had that would have made great husbands or boyfriends, but you wouldn't consider dating , just because the "chemistry" wasn't there? Not that they weren't great people, it just wasn't right at the time.

Well, I bet your child's parent(s) are out there, or soon will be, searching for that chemistry that will help you create a family soon!!!

Keep the faith. Keep thinking positive thoughts about yourselves. Keep looking for support from your friends, family and the wonderful people here!

HBV and I must have been typing at the same time! I just read hers. It did remind me - we asked our workers several times if they thought any changes needed to be made in our profile. Or we'd tell them just to let us know at any time. Well, one day, our main caseworker showed it to another worker, and she then pointed out the front picture of us was a little dark. We had just gotten photos back from our church directory pictures, so we switched the dark photo with that one, and it wasn't long after that we had two matches! We didn't look different, but you could just see us better in the first impression shot....

[krazy4buffett]

Hi Michelle. I'm a bmom, that placed my son 12 years ago through an agency. I felt for all of the families that were included in the profiles I had to look through, but there were several factors that helped me decide:

1. I personally didn't want to choose anyone that already had kids or had already adopted children. I just wanted him to be someone's "first" child.

2. I don't mean this in a mean way at all, but I did bypass the profiles that were too needy. The way that comes out sounds harsh, but I just couldn't handle the people that tried too hard to convince me how wonderful they were. Since I was not the one unable to have child--I don't know the pain that aparents go through, but those profiles did make me uneasy. It's not that I diminish their want for a child, I just wanted something more natural. I think part of the problem was that the agency helped them with what to write in the profile, and maybe it wasn't something they normall would have written themselves.

3. When I saw DSs aparents picture for the first time, it was like I was done with the profiles. I had already decided before I read anything. I just knew it was them--they looked genuinely happy in the picture--they were kinda of laughing--holding their dog. It was a great candid picture and it "spoke" to my heart.

4. In their profile letters, they were simple and straight-forward. Told me they were unable to have children, didn't know why. Told me what they did for a living, what kind of community they lived in, what kind of relationships they had with their families. Even though it was all set-up by an agency, I didn't feel like it was so scripted.

5. DSs adoptive mom was an adoptee and had never met her bmother (at that time). She could relate to him like most people couldn't and I found that very comforting...

I wish you the best of luck--I'm sure you will be chosen soon.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Every expectant parent differs in what they want in parents for their unborn child. I wanted similar religious values to mine and the Munchkin's fathers which involved finding a dual-religion home, a family with children, a family with extended family nearby and similar values in education, reading, and discipline.

One or two things in that list were deal breakers while others were bonuses or acceptable if they differed.

[Casey677]

Just wanted to say "hang in there". Our first dd arrived after waiting for 13 months. Just when I had given up all hope. It will happen! I know it will!

[PaperPregnant]

I just wanted to say Thank You to everyone! Believe it or not your comments and feedback really help, from both perspectives.

We have recently updated our profile (both the letter and photobook) after talking to our agency. We simplified the letter alot (since I'm an attorney I write like one unfortunately). And, we replaced a couple of photos with newer ones. However, the copying company did a terrible job and I'm not happy with them at all even though the agency says they are fine. I should have made them redo them, but I was in a hurry. We got a call from the agency yesterday for profiles so we'll see how the new ones go over.

Again, many thanks!

[MommaKatja]

Ditto on what the others have been saying everyone IS looking for something different in the parents they choose for their baby. I first put J&M in the to be considered pile because I liked that they both work in the school system and have summers off and then after our first telephone call I fell in love with them. M and I just clicked I feel like she's an older version of me.
So yeah it really was all about a connection

Hang in there you'll make that connection with someone

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by PaperPregnant

Hello, everyone.

My name is Michelle. My DH and I have been approved to adopt for nine months today. We have had more than a dozen and a half profile presentations to potential birthmothers and three interviews. We have not been selected, and it's becoming very disheartening and hard to continue.

We are looking for an open adoption, including visits a couple of times a year. We truly believe it is the best option for everyone involved, especially the child.

I'm just frustrated at this point and trying to figure out what is wrong with us. We both have good jobs, a nice home, great schools, wonderful support system, etc. etc. And, even more, we truly do want an open adoption and we respect and honor the strength and courage it has to take to decide to enter into an adoption plan.

I need some encouragement to continue with this journey. I'm not a quitter by nature, but I'm also used to being good at most things. The almost continuous rejection is starting to take its toll.

Sorry for the rant... my real reason for all the above is to find out if any birthparents are willing to share how and why they selected their child's adoptive parents. Is it really just about making a connection? What was most important to you? I'm hoping that knowing a bit more about what birthparents find important will help us make better decisions about whether to present our profile to potential birthparents.

Thanks to anyone who is willing to help. Best wishes for hope and peace to all...

Adoptive parent here and can share some of our story from our first placement. We were shown 15 times in 13 months, which is alot for our agency, and at times, it was really hard on me. Even though we were still under the average wait time for our agency, we asked at one point what could be possible reasons that our wait might be longer. The agency was willing to say that they thought if there would be any reason why we might possibly wait longer it would be that

1) we were older (DH was 49, I was 35)
2) we lived in a very rural area
3) our choice of occupations (clergy)

Guess what three of the main reasons Bug's First Mother picked us?

1) We were older (and so was she at 29)
2) we loved in a very rural area (and she didn't want to run into us in the city, yet still we were close enough that we could visit)
3) our choice of occupation (I won't go into that one but let's just say, it wasn't an obvious choice)

And the second time around, we were told it would most likely be a longer wait because we already had a child in our family. Our wait was shorter than the first. And on and on...

All I can say is that from our experience, and from listening to our children's First Mothers and other First Mothers that most of the time, their choice is very personal and very unique. Even if you were to hear 100 stories, none of them would end up like yours ends up.

I know...it's not very comforting is it? I know I really struggled at about the 8-9 month timeframe of the wait as well. It just seemed to stretch on forever! But your time will come and the bottom line is that in open adoption especially, you want the RIGHT match, not just any match. Because it's more than just adding a child to your family...when it works right, it's about adding a family to your family.

Best of everything on this journey. And many ((((hugs))))).... I can't wait to hear when it works out for you!

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by krazy4buffett

2. I don't mean this in a mean way at all, but I did bypass the profiles that were too needy. The way that comes out sounds harsh, but I just couldn't handle the people that tried too hard to convince me how wonderful they were.

This was something that Bug's First Mom said to us too... she said that when she looked at some of the profiles she thought "There's no way they can be THAT perfect and if they are, I can't relate to them". All we knew to do was be ourselves, talk like ourselves, and show who we were, and we've got a lot of flaws!!!!

And we did really minimalize all that we went through before choosing adoption. I sure didn't want anyone to feel guilty and choose us. That was the last reason to have a match, because someone felt sorry for us.

[PaperPregnant]

Thanks again!

We stick pretty much to the facts in our profile, just what we like to do, a bit about the schools, community, friends, family, parenting plans, etc.

We only briefly touch on what put us in the position to choose adoption, one sentence. Our profile person at the agency seems happy with it. Not sure if we sound too perfect, but we might... maybe I can work on that... I may be perfect, but DH certainly is not... LOL.

It means alot that so many of you took the time to share your stories and information! I do want to connect with her when the time comes... so I'll go back to praticing my patience. (Oh, look I do have an imperfection... I'm terribly impatient... LOL.)

Have a nice weekend everyone!

[kelceesmom]

The waiting is the hardest part, whether it me a month or a year. Once you start the process you want everything and you want it now.

When your baby comes into your lives everything will make sense as to your wait.

[longingtomeetyou]

when i asked my parents to look for a couple for my baby....i do regret giving away control to my parents ...basically they did everything for me in the adoption...plus i was miles away from home and man alive....the whole thing just was so incredibly painful....my parents were very controlling back then in what i was going to do ...they basically pushed me into the adoption...i wanted to go back home i remember my parents convincing me to stay thousand of miles away.....my parents had such a strong hold on me .....looking back its so sad that i gave so much control away in regards to my adoption....but i can say that i changed my mind so many times through the pregnancy...but yet my parents overruled

i specifically asked that the couple were Christians first and foremost.....and
they MUST be a pastor and wife.....also i wanted a couple who could not have children....it made me feel so good giving to someone in need....


the couple helped at the home i was at staying at when i was pregnant ....i didnt know who the couple was when i was a that home until recently....BUT i did have intuition that it was that couple...funny thing....I WAS RIGHT.....

in saying all this..
i have obviously changed my view about adoption seeing as i have been through the pain of a closed adoption.........today adoption seems to be so much better in that most adoptions are open now.....

soooooooooo much better than closed ....all i can say is be very gracious to the birthmom and let her see pictures so she will not worry about child.....

and when you say you are going to do something .....please do it......you have no idea the pain involved for birthmom AFTER the adoption is said and done....
that pain doenst stop.....

please be gracious and kind to birthmoms with what she would like in terms of pictures... as she will be concerned about child all their life......

if you have faith and or are a christian
i hope your prayers are answered with a precious gift of a beautiful child....

[HBV]

Michelle: I had to grin a little about your letter---that is EXACTLY why we redid ours. Must be an occupational hazard!