[krajewskim]

Ok, here is my situation. We adopted our son when he was 2 through the state. We are friends with his mom and tried to help her so we offered an open adoption. We write letters 4x a year, send pics, presents, etc. She has not written back twice now and I am worried about her. Also, we heard through a mutual friend that she may be involved with birthdad again. He is NO GOOD! Drugs, theft, etc. My question is this, my son is very angry at her for the abuse she allowed to go on when he was with her. (He has very vivid memories of the neglect, abandonment, and sexual abuse). He wrote her a letter where he basically says repeatedly that he hates her and calls her every name in the book. He is adamant that I send it to her, but I really don't want to. He's angry, too, that she hasn't written. He feels abandoned all over again. She is borderline mentally retarded, she was young when she had him, and her parents treated her like DIRT! She did the best she could and she loved him with all her heart. Did she make mistakes? Yes. But I don't think she needs to hear the venom that is spewing from his heart right now. I don't like to lie and said I sent it to her when I didn't , but I think letters like that are more therapeutic for the child and shouldn't be sent. The next minute I think I shouldn't be the one to decide that. What should I do? I am so confused. Please help. I need to write her a letter in a couple days. Also, should I push her to write him? If she doesn't write back this time, our open adoption contract says that we don't have to write her anymore. I'm so worried about her. This is NOT like her at all! Please help!!!

[browneyes0707]

I'm sorry to hear of your situation! How old is your son?

[krajewskim]

Our little guy is a very precocious 7 1/2 y.o. I don't think he's old enough to make the decision by himself, but I feel like I'm being disloyal to someone no matter what I choose. Thanks for reading.

[mom2GRLC]

I think it's time to discontinue HIS open contact.

You may consider having him make a little mail box that he can write his letters and put them in. Then let him know that he can keep those letters till he is older and once he is all grown up he can decide for himself if he wants to talk to her and share his feelings and those letters with her.

You may also do the same with her. Let her know that your open adoption agreement is now void since she didn't keep up her end of the bargain. Let her know that your son has been very upset with her and that he needs time to work through those feelings and to just enjoy being a kid. Maybe you can still offer to write her once a year on his birthday or soemhting just to keep those lines of communication flowing. I'd let her know she is still welcome to write him if she wishes but they will be held in a special place until you feel he is ready to read them or until he is 18.

I believe open adoption can be very healthy for a child and allows them to work through some of those feelings along the way. But if those feelings are too much for him right now .....and.....his birthmom isn't keeping her commitments to him....than contact may no longer be appropriate for him.

[InBlindFaith]

I would write her that one last letter. Tell her you are concerned for her well being and if she does not respond to this last letter then you will stop all communications per your contract. She deserves to know why...so let your last letter be that...her reason why.

You do need to do what is best for your son. I think later on you and your son might feel better knowing that you did give her a last chance at writing and you did let her know why.

[krajewskim]

Roni,

I think you're right. I sit here crying as I write this. I hate the answer because she is my friend and I love her dearly. We worked with her for almost a year trying to help her learn what she needed to know to keep him. She was in our home. She was the one who taught him to call us Mommy MaeMae and Daddy Leo. I know our son will want reunion someday and I don't know if I'll be able to find her if we lose contact. I guess part of me is scared she's back with b-dad and they are planning on kidnapping him. (We have letters from b-dad to her saying that when he is out of jail they should hook up and TAKE the baby back by ANY MEANS NESCESSARY!) Scary, hugh? But she had a wonderful steady boyfriend, so I wasn't worried. Now all this. I sat by her side in her apartment when her second baby died at birth and cried with her. I rejoiced with her when her 3rd child was born healthy and whole. I love her. She is my little sister and always will be, but the day CS decided to go for permanancy and she said she would sign if her went with us, I promised her I would love him enough for both of us and do ANYTHING nescessary to make sure he had the best. I promised we would have an open adoption and that I would keep him from all the harm and hurt I could. We terminated visits because it wasn't in his best interest. Now, you're right, we need to give her one last chance, and if it doesn't work, we need to terminate letters, pics, and presents, too. Should I send her HIS letter when I send my usual one? Or should I just tell her in my letter that he is angry? Any suggestions?

[browneyes0707]

I wanted to get back to this post sooner, but my day got away from me yesterday!

Your love for this woman shows in your posts and I think is it is incredible how thoughtful and caring you are towards her. I know it's going to be extremely difficult for you to cut off contact. But I really think that it's in your son's best interest right now to do so. He is angry, and writing is a wonderful way for him to express his anger, but sending the letter may only "stir the pot" so to speak. What if she is with B-dad and he sees the letter and it sets him off? Plus it may be that she had hit a rough patch, getting a letter like that may send her over the edge too.

Send her one last letter and tell her he is angry. Explain to her that you feel it's appropriate right now to cut off contact between the two of them. I like the idea of a "mailbox", maybe at some point you can start to communicate with her via letters and pix so that you both can keep updated on how things are going. Maybe in the future things will get better for her and your son where contact will be able to resume. Encourage her to write him letters and hold them for him so that when he is older he can see that his b mom loved him, and have her send them to you to hold.

As far as your son, is there a way you can explain to him that its a good idea to write the letters but not a good idea to actually send the letters? My heart breaks for the poor guy. (I have a friend who's son was a very angry child at his age, but such a sweetheart inside!!) Is he in any sort of counselling? Maybe right now the focus could be shifted less on the communication aspect of it (him being adamant that the letters be sent) and more the WHY he is adamant, to get him to open up to you and discuss his feelings.

I agree open adoption should be beneficial to the child primarily, and if it's clearly not benefitting him, it's time to at least put things on hold until your child expresses and interest in resuming, if he should decide that, and you deem it appropriate to do so. It is his decision in theory, but you are his mother, and sometimes mothers have to make decisions on behalf of their children in order to protect their best interest, at least while they are young

I wish you a LOT of luck and please keep us updated!!!

[InBlindFaith]

I agree with Browneyes. Hold onto the letters, keep them safe. Later on he will want to see them when he is ready.

I wouldn't worry about trying to track her down when your son is older. The internet is a very powerful tool right now, I'm sure in 11 years there will be a quicker way for you to help find her. Just make sure you have as much info on her to help make the searching easier.

Please keep us updated. You are following the terms of the contract, you are doing what is healthy for your son and your family. Actually, you are keeping your promise by making sure he stays safe and protected by any means necessary. As long as you let her know this is the last letter if she doesn't write back then you did your part. I wouldn't include his letter. Just let her know he is angry with her because she has not stayed in touch. Word it carefully, if she is back with the bdad they could twist it around and use it to "fuel the fire"

My adoption was closed so I never had the experience of communicating with DD's parents. I'm not sure how to write the letter delicately to put everyone at ease. Hopefully some of the other girls can help guide you with that piece.

Again, you are doing what is best for your son and family. You are letting her know this is the last letter if she doesn't respond per the contact. You are keeping your promise to her by keeping your son safe!!

Big, Big Hugs!!!

[mom2GRLC]

We had a similiar scare with my daughter.

We were warned by the birth great grandparents(the ones our daughters birthmom was staying with at the time).That the birthmom was writing the birthdad while he was in jail and she would leave the letters all over the house. One of the letters the birthdad sent stated that when he got out of jail they would be back together and that included my daughter.....by this time the rights of both parents had already been terminated. The birthdad was supposed to be in jail for 7 years.

So we were cautious in our openness with birthmom and her family hoping to build a strong relationship over that period of time and hoping she would move on with her own life and will hopefully have already found another guy by then and it wouldn't be an issue.

well RIGHT after we finalized the adoption (we were having a rough time with birthmom respecting our wishes and dealing with her anger and sadness). Then she told us that birthdad just got out of jail a month before (he only served 7 months) and that she was coming down to the area to visit family and wanted to know if she could visit my daughter as well.

At the time I already had decided to take a break from direct contact with her....it just wasn't healthy for my daughter at the time....and now that we heard about birthdad being out it was a definate NO.

I was scared to death that by me saying "No not this time"...she would be furious and that her and birthdad would do something to retaliate. But I wasn't willing to live my life in fear. Or to let them control me with fear. So I stuck to my decision and I'm so happy I did.

In time we saw that she wasn't getting back with birthdad and our relationship started to improve and we felt more comfortable offering more openess.

I've heard of many situations like this. Where a threat was made....not directly...but indeed it was a threat, and in NONE of those cases have the birthparents acted on it (that I have heard of). That doesn't mean it won't happen. It just means that you can't live in fear or it. But you should take pre-cautions to ensure your child is safe.

I don't believe sending your sons letter will do any good, not even for him. Yes he has a right to those feelings. But if it were any other person he was wanting to send it to would you allow him to?

We need to teach our children "I" messages verses name calling and saying hurtful things.

Rather than saying. "I hate you, you make me so mad. your such a lier. You never keep your promises. You are mean for hurting me" etc etc.

Maybe have your son write her saying "I really feel sad when I don't get a letter from you. I feel mad when I remember all the bad stuff that happened to me. I feel like you don't love me when you don't write me." etc.

It's much more theraputic for a child to express the feelings they are having and what is causing those feelings. It's also much less of an attack on the person. The person receiving that message is more likely to listen and to make changes than if they feel like they are being attacked directly.

I imagine you are not only hurt by the pain your child is experienceing but also because this person was a dear friend and has betrayed you or hurt you as well.

I think in your next letter you should also write her your feelings. Not in a way your attacking her but in a way your sharing your feelings with her and how her actions are affecting you. I think it would be helpful for your son to write her in the same way.

Hopefully, in doing so it will reach deep in her heart and make her realize it's time for some changes or at least to apologize for the hurt she has caused.

I wouldn't close the door on her just yet. I would share that loving letter with her. I would share how much you love her as a friend and as the mother who gave birth to your child. I would acknowledge the pain it must cause her to be seperated from her son.

Even though your son may not be ready for more contact right now. Maybe you could still reach out to her as a concerned friend. Rather than just closing the door on her completely.