[camie0419]

Hello to all. My name is Camie and I recently adopted a baby boy. I met the birthmonther through a family my brother who was dating her. (child not his)
She was looking for an adoptive family for her son and decided that my husband and I were the ones she wanted. At this point I had no idea wat to do. We contacted the lawyer and had the process started. I was asked to be in the room with the bmom durring her delivery. I accepted and then watched my son born. Such a beutiful experiance. In Florida, the TPR could not be signed by bmom until 48 hours after birth of child.
She changed her mind 10 hours before that time. I was ofcourse devestated, but 6 weeks later she has contacted me and on June 8th, I brought my son home. We have dated on FEB. 2nd for the TPR and I have court appointed custody at this time. MY PROBLEM. We agree to keep an open adoption (with in limits) with the bmom. She's a great girl, just really young. My son with always know that he is adopted, but im not sure at what point to tell him who his bmom is. Currently, the bmom still keeps in touch with me, we talk often, most of the time about her life and things going on. She sees him often. We do have an understanding that for now she is to refer to her self as a family member, but not mother. Will my son be confused if he keeps spending time with the bmom after I tell him who she is? Im not sure what to do. If anybody has any ideas, please help...

[SchmennaLeigh]

My birth daughter, age three, is not confused regarding who I am. She knows that she came from my belly, that my son, her half-brother, is her brother and that my Husband is her brother's Daddy but not her birth dad.

Open and honest from day one provides children with great larning opportunities. Children understand far more than we give them credit for.

[mom2GRLC]

I'm an adoptive mom but I agree it's so important to be open and honest right from the start.

Your child will know the difference in his relationships with both of you. It's not a competition of who is "MORE" his mother. You both are his mother just in different ways and it's important for him to know that and to find joy in his special history/life story.

I'm more comfortable reffering to my childrens birthmothers by their first names and that is how my kids know them. But they also know they are their birthmothers, not their Mom/Mommy. They know that I am the one that takes care of them and provides for them and that we are a family unit. They see their birthfamily/birthparents as extended family, not as their parents.

Kids do understand more than we give them credit for, especially young children. But when they are confused along the way...I'd rather be the one to help clarify things. To be there for them along the way helping them understand and feel proud of themesleves for the special people they are.

I couldn't imagine waiting until the child is a teen or adult to finally tell them the truth. It just seems like such a foriegn concept. Why keep such an important truth hidden from them. What would be the purpose in it? What would be gained by it? I can only see the child feeling more confused and angry as if their history was something to be ashamed of or hidden rather than embraced.

So my vote is tell your son right from the start that she is his birthmother, even as a little infant. The more you say it or talk about it the easier it will be to help it become a very normal part of conversation.

[taramayrn]

My son who is almost 7 (gasp!) is not confused about who his mom and dad are. His birthfather (my dh), myself and my family are all actively involved in his life and he has no confusion whatsoever about who loves him and who his parents are.

His sister who is 11 is also adopted and has an open adoption with her bfamily (although less visits than us) and she is not confused at all either.

I have seen both children and other children in healthy open adoptions flourish just as any non-adopted child could.

I think in order to make open adoption "normal" to a child one should start talking about it as early as possible. Read him books about adoption, show him pictures of his birthfamily, talk to him about his birthmom, etc - this can be done now while he's still a baby.

[taramayrn]

I forgot to say - Congratulations on your new babe!!!!

[BrandyHagz]

My daughter will be twelve next month. There has never been a ‘revelation’ with her – she has known, since day one, that I am her birthmom. Her mom has always talked about me in that regard and I have always feel confident in my roll in her life as her birthmother.

I urge you NOT to ‘reveal’ it to him…rather, make it known – like its every day – like its normal, because it is.

[camie0419]

Thank you very much to all who responded. My husband and I decided from day 1 that our son will always know that he was adopted, just not sure when to tell him who she is. But now I think we will have him always know who she is and why she is so importanted to us. Thanks...

[Leigh131313]

I find, just throwing it into our conversations helps...

When he see's a pic of his birthfamily (we have them on our fridge with the rest of the friends and such) I just say, that's your birthcousin *** or whoever it is he is pointing at...

Or, I'll just say....I'm so lucky that I could adopt you and be your mommy!!



I have a friend who's kids are around 5 and 7...they don't know they are adopted. FUNNY THING IS....they attend our local adoptive parents group...attend our family activities (christmas and stuff) but they just have never really used the word adopted with them...they aren't actively hiding it, but they haven't actively added it to their vocabulary...ya know? OH, and they have an "open adoption" but the birthparents have decided not to visit and such.

I asked if when the girls asked about babies, why she didn't just throw in the "adoption talk"...and she said, they've never really asked....

She couldn't figure out how to just "start talking about it"...



So, sometimes i feel a little silly....making a point to mention adoption and all....but I just think it's the only way to make it a casual thing, ya know?




MY POINT IS....please don't judge too harshly....aparents aren't perfect...it's not always easy to navigate the adoption waters...


except me...



I'm pretty great..