[bigch]

We adopted ds 4 1/2 years ago. We kept in contact w/ his bmom (she lives across the country from us). We talked on the phone every couple of months and sent her pictures also. When ds was 2 1/2, she became pregnant again and went back and forth on whether to place w/ us or parent. She ended up parenting but had the baby removed from her care by DHs when the baby was a month old. She then wanted us to adopt the baby and we spent 5 1/2 months jumping through all the hoops and DHS finally allowed us to adopt her. When we flew to get the dd, we had made arrangements to meet w/ bmom but she decided at the last minute that it would be too hard on her. We did however spend sometime w/ bgrandma. For 14 months we didn't hear anything from bmom. She didn't want pictures or anything, I sent stuff to bgrandma so when she was ready she could have the pictures and stuff.

About 2 months ago she called us out of the blue. It was good to hear from her and know that she is doing pretty good. Since then she has called 3-4 times a week and doesn't appear to be aware of time zone differences . She doesn't really want to talk to me, she wants to talk to ds. He is not much of a phone talker and he doesn't really get who she is, even though he knows he is adopted and I tell him that she is his bmom. Dd is 22 months and doesn't talk well enough to carry on a conversation. She is now talking about relocating here and how she can't wait for ds to get older so she can talk to him all the time. She has many emotional issues and functions on about a 14 year old level (she is 25). Bgrandma told me to take what she says with a grain of salt and to monitor her conversations w/ ds so she doesn't say inappropriate things to him (like asking him to come live w/ her, etc)

I know she has really struggled with having to place the kids for adoption but she really is not emotionally, physically or financially able to parent them. I am glad we have contact w/ her but it is getting to the point where I dread when my cell phone rings and ds is getting to the point where he doesn't want to talk to her at all and it makes her feel bad. How would I go about approaching her about setting up a calling schedule or something like that? She struggles with functioning in her everyday life and I don't want her to feel like we don't want her to call, I just don't want her to be calling all the time.

[Mommy24]

Bigch, Boundaries are not only important but neccessary.
Though she is the childrens Bmom, you are the childrens parent, you need to make a parental decision in their best interest! If that means telling bmom that she can call on such and such day at such and such time because thats what works best for the family, then you have every right to do so and should. Maybe explain to her the time zone difference (you say she functions at a 14 yr old level then maybe she hasnt given that any thought), reassure her that you do want her to be a part of your lives but that with DS & DD being so young it might be better if, for now, you call XXXXXX and you can prepare them for the call, so they can come up with things to talk about. I know if my mom calls my kids 2 days in a row or even every 3 days, they have less to say then if she calls once a week or so (not saying bmom should call once a week, just giving an example).

Good Luck to you!

[Jordan's bmom]

Originally Posted by Mommy24

Bigch, Boundaries are not only important but neccessary.
Though she is the childrens Bmom, you are the childrens parent, you need to make a parental decision in their best interest! If that means telling bmom that she can call on such and such day at such and such time because thats what works best for the family, then you have every right to do so and should.

I whole heartedly agree here. You have to do what is in the childrens best interests and not worry about hurting bmom's feelings. You don't have any responsibility or obligations to her. I know you feel bad for her but the kids have to come first. Listen to bgrandma she seems likes she knows what bmom is capable of. IMO The best things you can do for bmom is pray for her. I am a bmom myself, so I am not unsympathetic with her feelings. However I am an adult and a parent and strongly believe that your first resposibility is to protect YOUR children, even if that means hurting bmom's feelings.