[dutchgirl2]

Today we received a Christmas present for our youngest daughter from her birth grandparents. We are in a very open adoption and have met bgrandma when she flew in to see her daughter, A's first mom. I am thrilled that the contact is going so well and I have been doing everything I can to keep communication lines open, in the form of cards, pictures and emails to firstmom & dad, bgrandma, bgreat-grandma and yes, bgreat-great grandma (she's 96! and works the email like a pro!).

Anyway, where I'm going with all of this, is that there was only a gift for our youngest daughter and nothing for her sister, our oldest child. Am I the only one who thinks this is a little inappropriate? My husband thinks I'm making a big deal about nothing. Personally I don't understand why they couldn't put in a little something for big sister, it doesn't have to be anything expensive, a book, anything!

I opened the package just to see what it was, hoping it wasn't an expensive gift at least, which it wasn't, thank goodness.

Of course I'm excited that they are thinking of her but as time progresses and the kids start understanding what's going on...well, I don't know. Perhaps it would be different if we had an open adoption with our oldest daughters first parents and she was receiving a xmas gift from them too, but we don't. It's completely closed unfortunately.

What do you think? Am I being overly sensitive and should I just not think anything of it, or should I write a nice thank you note after the holidays and somehow gently mention something about big sister feeling left out? I don't want to ruin our relationship with A's first family, we are so glad that they are in our lives, so perhaps it's best to just let it go. I know it was not done to be mean or anything like that. I suppose it could be an oversight on their part or that they just don't think it's necessary to send a gift to a child who is not their birth grandbaby.

Anyone else been in my shoes?

Simone

PS. if this is the wrong forum to post this question, please feel free to move it.

[janf]

Let me say I am a bmom who had a great relationship with N aparents. They adopted 6 and had one bio, i sent them all a little something or one big something that all could use together. when I sent gift cards it was enough to split evenly with all kids..

that was just me
jan

[MommaKatja]

used to send just a little something for my sons brother. I can't not send anything it's just not how I am. I recently found out his bmom doesn't keep in contact or send gifts so now i send the same number and type of gifts for both I know i'm not his birth mom but if she's not going to spoil him I'll spoil them both. I dont think you're over reacting but I also dont know a tactful way to broach the subject. Even the most gentle comment may alientate the grandparents. I hope someone else is more helpful than I am.

[kune]

Dutchgirl
How about writing a thank-you card to the bGrandmother and thanking her for continuing the relationship? Suggest to her she include a little something for your other daughter - and your reasons why - and see how she reacts? Perhaps suggest that she become surrogate bGrandmother to your other daughter...... I'd fall for that every time!!!!!!!! In fact if she says No....I'll do it

You know........I doubt it has even crossed her mind that her bgrandaughter's sister wouldn't be getting a present from her bfamily.


Regards
Ann
Grandmother of Lennox Aged 2
2nd due in June

[Leigh131313]

Yeah, thats a tough one!

As an amom it's hard to understand because WE accept the entire birthfamily, shouldnt they accept our entire family as well? I always send M's birthcousins Christmas presents.... I can't imagine not!!

I really don't know how you could approach the topic. It's kinda hard to ask for presents without sounding tacky, ya know? lol. Besides, we all know its not that we need more gifts for our kids....it's about inclusion.

I worry about this kinda stuff. We are in the process to adopt our second, and I wonder how M's birthfamily will treat a new baby in our family. I know they will be kind and all, but I dont think its fair for one child to be the "star" all the time, ya know?

Funny, I dont worry about the new birthfamily as much...i kinda think they are enterring this with M already in place....so they KNOW he'll be a part of things..

but really, that's just wishful thinking on my part..


Please let us know what you decide to do?

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I agree 100% with how you are feeling. In our family Bug's aunt had written to me asking to be Bear's aunt as well. She also wrote individual letters to my s-daughters asking if they would accept her as their aunt as well. She sent everyone a little something for Christmas. This a single mother of 4 herself who is receiving no child support and recently lost her job. The girls all call her their aunt.

Now Bear's bio-family barely remember the girls names and will practically stomp all over the other 3 to get to Bear. I HATE this!! To the point where I stick to the open agreement to the letter because I don't feel that any more contact is really healthy to our family dynamics. They shower Bear with gifts and pretty much leave the other kids in the dust. As a matter of fact, the girls refer to them as "Bear's biologicals". At their age they are really only acting in response to the way they feel treated. They are 9 and 12 and very aware of what is going on.

You are right, I don't expect anyone to spend a fortune. As a matter of fact, Bug's aunt primarily shpooed at the dollar store...the kids LOVED it!! BUT, all 4 of my kids are brothers and sisters weather the biological families want them to be or not. I don't feel it is fair to draw a line in the sand so to speak. I have just had a problem getting my 16 year old bio-mother to comprehend this.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I would also feel it's slightly inappropriate. My Mother sends a gift for both the Munchkin and her younger brother, JD (who is not my biological child, obviously).

Though I don't know what the proper way of going about this one is... i just wanted to validate your feelings.

[blessedbybug]

THis is a toughie and I too, would worry about how it would affect one or the other of my kids. Okay I'll say it... I do worry, lol! I would hope that they would see that Bug or Roo are a part of our family as much as we see ALL of them as a part of our childrens' birth families. It's a toughie because how do you ask for more presents and equality? I still haven't figured that one out. But I did want to post to let you know you aren't the only one who has these feelings and is working to sort them out.

[thanksgivingmom]

disclaimer: i am very new to this process so this is basically an outsiders perspective...

Perhaps in your thank you letter you could express how much you wished your older daughters birth family was a part of her life, mentioning that she receives no additional presents, and more importantly, love. you could use this to start a conversation about the situation and segue into the immediate present issue, expressing that you don't want your older daughter to feel bad about her situation.

[crick]

I can understand the feelings and also wanting things to be equal for your children. It's a hard thing sometimes to deal with and explain.

However...

I think that it's okay to have a special and individual relationship with people that isn't shared by all. I have 4kids who all have godparents. (Not the same level of relationship but it's a relationship that each kid has with someone that they don't necessarily share with their siblings)

Every year, 2 of the godparents send xmas gifts for all the kids and 2 send gifts for just their god child. I am perfectly okay with it. We have explained to the kids that sometimes things are different and it's a unique relationship etc. And they have dealt with it really well actually. They know that not everything is the same and it doesn't mean they are less special or anything.

I think too, it's important that we don't deny one child something because we don't want to hurt the other child's feelings. I think there are other ways to "make up" for things if necessary, and yes, sometimes it's just not easy!

I personally wouldn't ask bgrandparents to sent a gift for your other dd. I don't think it would be fair to them and impolite. Just my feelings on that.

I'm sure it's a difficult situation to be in!

[dutchgirl2]

Thank you to everyone who responded. It was definately helpful to see what others had to say about the subject.
I would never ask for more gifts from the bgparents, that would be terribly tacky and impolite. But I will take thanksgivingmom's advice to heart and write a thankyou letter.

"Perhaps in your thank you letter you could express how much you wished your older daughters birth family was a part of her life, mentioning that she receives no additional presents, and more importantly, love. you could use this to start a conversation about the situation and segue into the immediate present issue, expressing that you don't want your older daughter to feel bad about her situation".

I think that would be a gentle and respectful way to show how these things effect our family as a whole. This is a new experience for them too after all and we all do the best we can.

Thanks everyone and Happy Holidays!
Simone

[loveajax]

Simone,

The Miss Manners in me says that you just say "THANK YOU!" and leave it at that.

But for your older DD's sake, I think the suggestion that you highlighted is a very good one!

As I think about adopting #2, DH and I have all sorts of "worries" about the fact that this "number two!" will never have the same kind of contact with his or her birth parents as DD has with her, etc. (maybe more, maybe less, etc.). Has your older daughter ever "perceived" anything different? I tend to think we worry a lot about this stuff and it just has a way of working itself out! GOOD LUCK!

[Vogi2002]

I tend to agree with Crick on this one...I might just let it be. If you try to "force" them to have a relationship with your older child it might make it go sour (not that I think you will ) I think individualized attention is fine at times, we always had this from our Godparents also.

Just my opinon!! Good luck!