[meehoo]

Hello. I'm a single mother of two toddlers and 6 1/2 months pregnant. The day I decided to give this baby up for adoption, I jokingly said to a friend, "If you know anyone who's interested..." and got a phone call from her cousin that night. Since that day I have pretty much been obligated and committed to giving this baby to her and her husband and, in spite of some reservations along the way, had pretty much convinced myself that this was going to happen, until a week ago. Since day one my intention has been that whoever adopted this baby would share my desire to have him know that he was adopted and why I made the decision as soon as was developmentally appropriate. I have made no secret of the fact that I fully intended to maintain an open and ongoing relationship for my benefit, my children's benefit, and that of this baby's. Over dinner, after casually mentioning this subject as I had so many times in the past, the adopting mother freaked out and claimed to have no idea that this was what I wanted, that she never remembered me saying that, and that they had no intentions of ever telling this baby he'd been adopted. A few minutes later, after seeing my reaction, she tried to undo the damage by claiming the only reason she said that was because she had asked a friend of hers what they thought I would want/expect along those lines and wasn't happy with what she had heard. This told me that not only had they been aware of what I wanted from the beginning, but they purposely chose not to tell me we weren't on the same page, probably because they knew it was a dealbreaker, and they've let 6 months pass hoping ( I believe) that by the time I found out, I would feel too committed to back out, which is pretty much what's happened. I am aquainted with several members of their extended family through my close friend and am reminded on a regular basis how badly they want this baby and how they couldn't possibly endure another heartbreak. In addition the adopting mother is extremely paranoid about me changing my mind and is constantly grilling me about it. I'm supposed to go to their house for Thanksgiving with my children to meet even more of their closer relatives, and know that I need to tell them right away. I am 100% sure I don't want to give these people my baby, and I'm 100% sure there's no way I'll ever be able to tell them that. I no longer feel like I have a choice and I no longer feel like I'm giving someone a wonderful gift. I feel like I am about to completely devastate several people and will be thought of as a horrible person for "doing that to them".

[HappyTwinsMom]

If you are not comfortable with the way things are going or how you think they will proceed in the future, DO NOT place your baby with this couple. Yes, they will be disappointed. Yes, they will grieve. But you have to do what's right for you, your baby and the children you are raising.

In my opinion, it is WRONG to not tell a child he/she was adopted. Can you imagine finding that out as an adult? My feeling would be "If they lied about that, what else did they lie to me about?"

If you still believe you want to place your child for adoption, there are other families out there who will be able to provide the kind of relationship you want and need. Please try not to worry about how other people will feel or what they'll think of you. That's not the important thing at this point.

Big hugs to you! I'll be praying as you make the decisions that work best for your family.

[BrandyHagz]

RED FLAG.

Run...do not walk...away from this.

Your gut will always be right...so follow it! There is someone out there who will honor your request, if what you want to do is place.

Do NOT back down on what you want...honoring your request is the least they can do!

[bethy724]

You are under no obligation to place your baby where you don't want to. I am an adoptive mother & know what it feels like to want a baby; but could never imagine bullying a person into giving me their baby. They do not sound like people who should be raising a child-they really need some help dealing with their issues. You have every right to work with an agency that will do a home study & evaluation of interested families. Your obligation is to your unborn baby; not people who have deceived you & will not respect your wishes. You probably shouldn't go & be cornered on Thanksgiving especially in front of your children.


I will say a prayer that you find your way through this.

[meehoo]

I want to thank you for taking the time to read about my dilemma. I know the answer seems very obvious and easy. Everyone I've spoken to about this feels the same way. I know a big part of the problem here was how informally we went about all this, and feel that if we had gone through an agency these issues would have been resolved from the get-go. I agree that we probably shouldn't attend Thanksgiving dinner, what a way to ruin their holiday!!! I cant decide whether to address this in a phone call or e-mail, both seem to have staggering downsides. I am really struggling with trying to to be angry/bitter towards them. I feel like they have robbed me of half of the gift I had to offer to the prospective adopting couple. Attending doctor's appointments and the sexing ultrasound in particular, which is a major pregnancy milestone, if I choose another couple they've already missed out on this.

[thediva320]

I agree with everyone who has posted. This is YOUR choice, no one else's. You have clearly told them your position and if they aren't willing to take that into consideration. Follow your gut, your instincts. If you don't want to give them YOUR baby, then don't. If you want to still place, there are many more families out there who are willing to honor your requests. Don't allow these potential aparents guilt you into placing. It is YOUR choice! Good luck hon!

[bethy724]

I think you should address this however you are comfortable. Use whatever excuse you have to - if you are not comfortable with them - how would your child feel. Their 1st concern should be you & what your going through & secondly their needs. There are so many children out there & bio parents who may agree with their terms, you just don't seem like a good fit & that is all you have to tell them. Please look for legal advise (free) if it is offered in your area or contact any agency & let them guide you in the process. Best wishes.

[HappyTwinsMom]

True, if you choose another couple at this point, they will have missed some of the pregnancy milestones that you had hoped to share with them. However, the right parents for your baby will be fine with that. In fact, the right parents will be glad that you're doing what's right for your family.

My husband and I didn't find out for sure we were getting our girls until two weeks before they were born - they came nine weeks early - but that hasn't affected our relationship with them or with their birthmom.

Personally, I tend to be uncomfortable addressing difficult stuff face-to-face, so I would probably be inclined to send an email or make a phone call. The important thing is to tell them how you're feeling and go with your gut. Watch out, though, for them to say "oh, we'll do whatever you want." Lots of prospective adoptive parents will promise the moon if means they'll have a baby. Make sure if they promise you anything, that you trust that.

I'm praying for you!

[AMom2Two]

Run...don't walk....away from this acouple.

Missing milestones is nothing compared to missing your child's entire life.

There are many of us committed to open adoption for the best interest of our children. We are not so rare.

I also would suggest for you to seriously consider parenting this child. To travel on this road, as a joke, then thru obligation, is not a good enough reason.

I wish you the best.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Do not place with this family. You DO have a choice. And since you do not want to, simply don't do it. If you physically cannot open your mouth to tell them, write them a letter and have it delivered return receipt. You will then know that they got the letter.

You are not obligated in any way, shape or form.

[HappyTwinsMom]

write them a letter and have it delivered return receipt

Excellent idea!

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by meehoo

Hello. I'm a single mother of two toddlers and 6 1/2 months pregnant. The day I decided to give this baby up for adoption, I jokingly said to a friend, "If you know anyone who's interested..." and got a phone call from her cousin that night. Since that day I have pretty much been obligated and committed to giving this baby to her and her husband and, in spite of some reservations along the way, had pretty much convinced myself that this was going to happen, until a week ago. Since day one my intention has been that whoever adopted this baby would share my desire to have him know that he was adopted and why I made the decision as soon as was developmentally appropriate. I have made no secret of the fact that I fully intended to maintain an open and ongoing relationship for my benefit, my children's benefit, and that of this baby's. Over dinner, after casually mentioning this subject as I had so many times in the past, the adopting mother freaked out and claimed to have no idea that this was what I wanted, that she never remembered me saying that, and that they had no intentions of ever telling this baby he'd been adopted. A few minutes later, after seeing my reaction, she tried to undo the damage by claiming the only reason she said that was because she had asked a friend of hers what they thought I would want/expect along those lines and wasn't happy with what she had heard. This told me that not only had they been aware of what I wanted from the beginning, but they purposely chose not to tell me we weren't on the same page, probably because they knew it was a dealbreaker, and they've let 6 months pass hoping ( I believe) that by the time I found out, I would feel too committed to back out, which is pretty much what's happened. I am aquainted with several members of their extended family through my close friend and am reminded on a regular basis how badly they want this baby and how they couldn't possibly endure another heartbreak. In addition the adopting mother is extremely paranoid about me changing my mind and is constantly grilling me about it. I'm supposed to go to their house for Thanksgiving with my children to meet even more of their closer relatives, and know that I need to tell them right away. I am 100% sure I don't want to give these people my baby, and I'm 100% sure there's no way I'll ever be able to tell them that. I no longer feel like I have a choice and I no longer feel like I'm giving someone a wonderful gift. I feel like I am about to completely devastate several people and will be thought of as a horrible person for "doing that to them".

As far as I am concerned, as an amom, you have NO, absolutely no obligation to anyone to place your child in this or any other situation. None. All I can say is that not only are the comments from relatives and the couple about how you would devestate them were you to change your mind wrong, but to me, would be considered coercion.

You know what you want in an adoptive family if in the end, the decision you make is to place this child in an adoptive home. And it sounds like you found out in good time that this family is not the one for your child. Regardless of their wants or needs, regardless of how much they have invested in this relationship or the possibility of this placement, you aren't obligated to place with them (or anyone else for that matter).

YOU alone are the mother. YOU alone are the one who should and can and will make this decision. Until YOU decide no one else has any right to think, even think, that this child should be in their family. What they are doing, this family, is coercion, and the thing that makes adoption such an abhorrent option to many.

I am so sad for you, dare I say angry, that this is happening to you, that you should feel any obligation at all to place your child in this or any other adoptive situation unless you feel and know in your heart that this is what you want for you and for your other children and even more, for this child.

Please whatever you do, do not place this child in this situation. YOU do have a choice. YOU are the one with the choice. It is not your responsibility to make sure these people are happy or to give them a child. You will regret it if that is the reason you place your child with them.

I'm going to stop now before I say something I shouldn't about these people. My heart is just sick for what you are going through. Hugs of strength to you...

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by meehoo

I cant decide whether to address this in a phone call or e-mail, both seem to have staggering downsides. I am really struggling with trying to to be angry/bitter towards them. I feel like they have robbed me of half of the gift I had to offer to the prospective adopting couple. Attending doctor's appointments and the sexing ultrasound in particular, which is a major pregnancy milestone, if I choose another couple they've already missed out on this.

I think you should write a letter, send it by registered mail so you know they receive it. DO it sooner rather than later so you can have some relief and so the waiting family can get on with life.

As for missing certain milestones in the pregnancy, well, I, again as an amom, never attended a doctor's visit or ultrasound and know for certain that "missing out" would have NEVER stopped from the possibility of being the amom to my kids. I didn't find out about my DD, did not meet her first mother, until 48 hours before birth. It didn't change a thing. With DS, we knew 3 weeks before birth and again, it didn't change a thing. Don't let this stand in your way of finding the right family for your child, if in fact, you still want to place your child in an adoptive home.

[bajj]

I agree with what everyone else has said, too. You have no obligation to place your child, period, and if you choose to place this baby, then it is your right to choose who to place with. Don't go with a family who is making excuses and trying really hard to say what you want to hear instead of saying how they really feel. It is not fair to raise a child not knowing they are adopted.

If you choose to place your child and open adoption is what you want, settle for nothing less. Don't ever feel you have no choice and that you are obligated to place with anyone!

Big hugs, hon.

[meehoo]

Thank you everyone so much for your advice/opinions ... they are greatly appreciated and considered. I am going to take the advice of writing and sending a certified letter, although I may chicken out a little and try to use an ulterior excuse ... an adoption counselor from an agency gave me a few when I spoke to her about this issue ... but I do feel really good about taking a stand and going with my gut on this. I guess I've known what I have to do, just taking that step has been causing me alot of grief.
Thank you and bless you all!