[banjo]

i'm tired about hearing the negative stuff about bmothers.

aparents what are your positive thoughts about bmothers?

other bmothers please share your positive/good parts of being a bmother and adoption.

adoptees please post as well.

[Leigh131313]

I'm sorry, but I can't speak about birthmothers as an entity...good or bad.



But, I can tell you that I really like my sons birthmom. She's a really nice girl with a good heart. She's a really hard worker and very motivated (graduating a semester ahead of time because of doing school by correspondance ).

She has always respected my family and our family unit. She is very affectionate with my son, but she does not interact with him while excluding us. Our visits are fun for everyone.

I can't speak for all birthmom's....but I do know my sons, and she is a really nice person....heck if I were her age, we'd be the type to hang out with each other.

[longingtomeetyou]

hear hear

[aldes]

I see a lot of positive things about bmothers on this site. Actually I think I see more positive than negative.

Dd's bmother disrespects us, the family unit in general and writes incredibly inappropriate things in her letters.

The things she chooses to write are indicators of why we are raising the child and she isn't...she simply is not cognitively capable. As hurtful as she may be toward us, we know she does not understand that she is being hurtful. And of course, we're not in a position to see her best side either. (This is our mantra when it's letter time )

Doesn't make her a bad person at all.
Hopefully, if dd meets her some day, she will get to see bmom's better side.

[browneyes0707]

I'm a b-mom, and while I've had ups and downs dealing with my adoption over the years, I have to day that any downs have nothing to do with my choice or the family that I placed with. I am proud of the fact that I took a traumatic experience like being an unwed pregnant teenager who's ex boyfriend wanted to take NO responsibilty for his role and turn it into a positive situation where two great people could fufill a dream to raise a child, and a beautiful bright girl can have every opportunity afforded to her because of me and my choice. It's made me a better and stronger person for it.

I was incredibly lucky that I found the family that I did, that I got to see first handwhat a great mom she would be because she held my hand throughout the remainder of my pregnancy, and was there in the room for the birth. She has always been wonderful and gracious towards me, even now that I've come back into her life after 12 years, she's supportive of a reunion one day between DD and me, and she's allowed me to see what a great girl my DD has become. I really can't see any negative, but that's my own experience and I realize that not everyone has been as fortunate as I have been.

Aldes: Bravo to you for having such an open mind. I hope one day your daughter's b-mom does show her better side!!

[Poleczech]

Obviously, I can't speak for every situation, but our son's birthmother is a sweet, honest person who just happened to have a very rough childhood and teen years, and had some unfortunate things happen in her life. Our son is her third child and the only one she has placed for adoption; however, she does not have custody of her other two children. She was pretty sure that our son would have ended up in foster care, not because she is a bad person or a bad mother (quite the contrary), but because she was sure she could not provide for any of her children, and she wanted to chose the parents of her child -- she wanted to be sure that her third son was afforded a loving home and that she could watch him grow via an open adoption, unlike her second child. Her second child is being raised by a relative who demands child support yet won't allow visitation and it tears her heart out -- I can see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice every time we speak.

[loveajax]

I agree with Leigh...I can only speak of my DD's birth mom. But she is a warm, loving young woman. She is extremely intelligent and thoughtful. She has always respected us as parents to DD, and the decisions we make for DD. I know she loves DD with all her heart and I am happy that she is part or our lives.

[dmca]

I find it daunting at times, the thoughts on natal mothers.
It appears sometimes to me, that all the " boundaries" are set by the adoptee at the expense of the natal mother. Darn scary. In some cases, it appears that the 'boundaries " are only set by adoptees and the natal mother somehow "owes" everything with no boundaries in place and none to be tolerated. Again scary at times.
Because my daughter was born so long ago, I find it hard to find peers. then, I was not "sent away' as people push the book, but, simply denied and abandoned. Again, hard time to find peers for support.
On the PLUS side of this, this forum gives excellent support to the newer mothers and adoptee families and that's nothing to forget about. They will never have to suffer some things that happened long ago with no support. I am overwhelmed that people ( whoever you are) brought this site into being, not for themselves but for everyone. My deepest respect and thanks for that.
dmca

[banjo]

Originally Posted by dmca

I find it daunting at times, the thoughts on natal mothers.
It appears sometimes to me, that all the " boundaries" are set by the adoptee at the expense of the natal mother. Darn scary. In some cases, it appears that the 'boundaries " are only set by adoptees and the natal mother somehow "owes" everything with no boundaries in place and none to be tolerated. Again scary at times.
dmca

dmca: I agree! you have put into words what I have just figured out has happened in my relationship with my bdaughter. It is not surprising that reunions are usually doomed tto fail....

[rykyki]

I am grateful every day for our daughter's birthmother. As a biological mom, adoptive mom in an open adoption and adoption professional, I deal with the various aspects of adoption and parenting every day. My daughter has had a good relationship with her birth family over the last nine years and is similar to them in many ways. She has always spoken openly and positively about her adoption is completely comfortable with who she is.

[FAYE56]

I'm an adoptee from 1956. There is nothing bad or cruel about giving up your child for adoption. Babies are given up for a lot of reasons and they all depend on the circumstances of the conception, age, economy, family.

I'm grateful to my bmom, based on my non-id she placed me because she knew raising me alone in the 50's would be a struggle financially as well as socially.

I think a lot of the bad publicity against bmom's may come about because the amom's live with the fear that their child is going to want to have a relationship with the bmom one day. You also don't always know what stories the aparents were told regarding the surrender of the child - I know the story my parents told me didn't coincide with the my non-id. Did they tell me my brothers story? He never questioned them, I had all the questions.

Just remember, Both Moms are terrific!

[mom2justynsarah]

I am a mom with both a bio and adoptive child. I have been lucky enough to experience both sides of the coin.

I am both extremely grateful and humbled that another mother gave me the honor of being her child's mother.

What more can I say? ALL adoptive parents are parents because their child's birthmom. They gave their child life, and allowed us to give them a life.

[InBlindFaith]

I have tried my best through the years to look at placing my DD as a positive.

She was placed in the arms of a loving couple who could have no children of their own. A couple of years later the adoptive mom was able to conceive. I guess the pressure of trying to have her own child was finally lifted. From what I have found out so far they have given DD so much love and encouragement she has done the things I had dreamed for her. She is even going to a very good private college.

I have the utmost respect for this couple. So far it has appeared that they have been very open and honest with her. From the email that was forwarded to me it also appears they are supportive of DD when she is ready to reunite.

[Boulderbabe]

I have learned a lot---and come to deeply respect--many of the bmoms on this board. The gifts of love and respect you are giving your kids are amazing.

I wish my son's bmom were able to do the same things. She isn't, for all sorts of complicated emotional, social, and biochemical reasons. I am trying hard to say anything positive about her today, but honestly, I think the best thing she has done is not do much to prevent her rights being terminated by CPS so that her children could be placed in more stable homes.

So I guess with these huge contrasts, I feel like I can't make any generalizations at all about birthparents. Some are great, strong, wonderful people. Some are creeps. Just like any other big group of people, I guess!

[gottahavehope]

I'd just like to share an image of tenderness I saw between my son and his birthmother. The day we were set to leave the hospital-I left the two of them alone right before it was time to say goodbye. When I returned, there was our son's birthmother sitting on the bed with our beautiful son craddled in her arms reading him from my favorite story-The Giving Tree. Tears were streaming down her face. I couldn't stay in the room. I had to leave again, go down the hall, and just bawl my eyes out. It was so beautiful and so sad and so brave. That image will stay with me forever.
Love to all birthmothers.
K