[J.Annings]

I have no idea where I should post this...

When I was sixteen, I was raped and put my baby girl up for adoption. Eventhough it was hard, it was the best decision I've ever made. I was able to attend college and now own a thriving business. Seven years ago, I married an incredible man and have two beautiful children. I'm very happy.

Yesterday, completely out of the blue, I got a call from a social worker. It seems that my daughter's adoptive parents were recently killed in a car accident. She has no other relatives and will be fed into the foster care system unless someone takes her.

The social worker offered me the chance to get my daughter back.

Is this legal? I've never heard of this being done before. Could I really get her back free and clear? How should I tell my 6-year-old and 2-year-old that they have an older sister that they've never met? Thankfully, I married the best guy in the world and he said that he'd support whatever I decide...Right now, I'm too speechless to make a decision.

HELP!

[bromanchik]

Wow! Is it really that difficult a decision. Look at it this way. Can you walk away again? The first time you knew she was with people who loved and cared for her. Now, she has no one but you.....

[billysmommy]

I have to agree with Brenda. If the resources and ability are there to parent , it should be an easy decision. I have never heard of this either, but think it is incredible that they contacted you. Perhaps her parents specified that they wanted it that way if something ever happened to them........

[loveajax]

J. -- First, I am sorry about the tragic loss of your DD's aparents. She must be devestated.

I have never heard of this situation either. Have you talked to DD?

I hope that if you decide to parent her now that it is the best thing for you, her and your family. I just reread your post and saw that the only other altenative is foster care....I am sure you can make it work. I think you should be prepared though that your DD and perhaps the rest of your family may need counseling to get through this difficult time. Take good care, Karen

[dadfor2]

wow, so many questions.

my biggest question would be how much of her history does she know? what did the aparents tell her? did the SW ask her what she would like to do?

i would tread very slowly, she must be in foster care already if both parents had died (what a tragic story)

i would start by just meeting her and see where the relationship goes.

you have very young children, so i wouldnt make any decisions until you have visited the girl a few times as her bmom, and see where it goes.

but what a sad story, part of me is so excited for your family, but the other part of me, is just feeling so sad for the losses your daughter has had to endure her life.

[dmca]

Wouldn't you have to legally adopt your daughter? I know it sounds funny but I'd ask about that ( in regards to free and clear).
Poor wee girl. She must be in anquish over the loss of her parents.
Good luck in whatever you decide
dmca

[Leigh131313]

to the above poster... if it was an adoption, she has no legal tie to the birthmom..so yes, if it was to become a mother-daughter relationship (not just foster) an adoption would have to take place.

Now, as far as this situation goes...First of all, how heartbreaking. If you are able to, I hope that you will consider this (as the only other option is foster care...so sad)

I do want to mention my thoughts on the matter. I hope that if you do procede with this (and I do hope you do) please remember that this girl has a set of parents that she has lost. You cannot just swoop in and act like the first part of her life did not exist. You will need to honor them for the rest of her life and keep their memory alive. She needs room and the safety to mourn her loss and remember her parents how she needs/wants to.

I'm not suggesting you would just forget the parents...I just wanted to draw attention to this matter. This is something you will have to explain to your children as well. They cannot just disregard her family either..


What a sad SAD story.

[longingtomeetyou]

wow talk about a shocker.....

personally i think you have to make that decision yourself .......
we can give you suggestions but only you know if that would be a good thing for you or not.....

if that was me..................
i wouldnt think twice about it !!!!!!!
i consider my daughter as my daughter and yet i havent even met her.......

but again thats just me.....


im praying for you now as you have a big decision to make....God bless hon.....

[BabsCanada]

I'm having difficulty believing that this situation is REAL but I am so intrigued ...

I don't think anyone has even come up with a novel, fiction, that could come close to this ...

(You should write a book when all is said and done)


Was it a closed adoption / you've never met?

At 15, Olivia probably would be able to voice her opinion, although if the options are 1)birthmom or 2)fostercare, well, I think you'd likely be the choice.

I think your 6 year old and 2 year old would accept the fact that they DO have an older sister - what an exciting surprise really!

This is interesting because as an adoptive parent in an open adoption, I sometimes question arrangements we've made in case dh and I die together and we must have someone step in for dd;

Currently our choice is a married couple, longtime friends, childless, who are already dd's godparents. We all live in the same city, same neighbourhood actually, so other relatives would remain close. They know our wish to continue dd's relationship with her birthfamily.

I guess it's because we have so much family here in our city, that was how we made our choice. If it weren't for that, I would certainly have considered asking birthmom to become guardian in the event dh and I die together.

Not something I like to think about honestly!

Did these a-parents not have a similar plan in place?

Like I said, I'm intrigued. It kind of seems like some weird karma, meant to be.

I look forward to updates, and wish you the best.

[J.Annings]

Thanks to everyone that has replied and offered their support!

To answer some of your questions -- Her Aparents apparently left Olivia to a family friend that has fallen into some legal trouble and can't take her now. However, I was very happy to learn that Olivia had been the one that suggested contacting me. (I know that just about anyone would be preferable to foster care but it still made me feel good.) And yes, for her to be "mine" again, I would have to adopt her. (That's irony for you.)

I finally talked with Olivia on the phone yesterday morning. It was the first contact we've ever had. I was so nervous that I actually forgot my husband's name when she asked. However, after some small talk, we both managed to relax and speak freely -- I'll spare you from all the gritty details -- but Olivia hates foster care and really wants to come live with me. By the end of the conversation, we were both crying about her Aparents and laughing at the few stories I had about them. (Her Aparents came into the delivery room with me and her dad nearly passed out. ) The one stipulation Olivia made, through her tears, was that she desperately wanted to keep her dog -- I couldn't bring myself to say 'no' since she's already lost so much. (I'm DEATHLY allergic to dogs, so I'll need some sort of medication for that.) I offered to fly over and help her pack up their house and get her affairs in order. However, she said that she wanted to say goodbye to her friends and home by herself. I can understand that, so I'm going to pick her up at the airport. (This coming Friday.)

My toddler is too young to understand what's going on. However, my husband and I took our son out for pizza and explained everything to him. He was happy about getting another sister but THRILLED about getting a dog. (He's been begging me for a puppy but I always said no because of my allergy.)

Our lawyer is dealing with the legal aspects and...we'll just see how everything works out. I'll update as things come along.

Thanks again for your support.

[InBlindFaith]

This is amazing!! I wish you the best of luck with everything!!

Go get your allergy testing done. In the meantime ask the pharmacist for something over the counter.

[healingfeeling]

WOW!!!!!!!!!!! this is an unbelievable story...

for you to be able to pick up the pieces for your daughter is truly amazing and wonderful.

welcome to reunion!!!!

[PWRWAGN]

What an amazing story! My wife and I feel terrible for what your daughter has gone through loosing both of her adoptive parents. You and your family are obviously very caring and wonderful people to be so ready to do this. You are setting such a great example for your other two children. We pray for you all!

[loveajax]

J.Annings -- this is truly amazing. Best of luck to you, Olivia and your family! (I laughed at your son's being more happy about a puppy than a sis -- I would have been the same way as a kid!).

[Lisasue]

Wow, that is amazing, I remember asking if things went wrong with aparents could I get my child back, and the sw said no. What an amazing story!!! I am a true believer in the higher power, and with that and the power of your dd's parents now watching over her, you must be an awesome soul they they located you!!! Wow, I have goose bumps, I think you were found for a reason!!
Good luck to you all!

lisasue