[Leigh131313]

Since November is National Adoption Month, this topic seems particularly relevant.

What 3 things would you like people to know about adoption?

This is open to anyone...

1- I don't love my child less because he is adopted
2- I am a real mom
3- adoption is not the "easy way out" it has pain and struggles all its own.

[banjo]

1) as a brithmother i would advise woman considering relinqishing their unborn child to first give parenting their best shot.
2) for me being a bmother has caused me nothing but pain and grief.
3) open adoption comes with a mountain of issues just like closed adoption.

[saschamy]

This is my first posting to this website. Currently, after 24 years of being afraid to follow up on my daughter, due to fear (you all can possibly imagine the many varieties that might cross the mind). I would say that the three things to know are:

1) It is the hardest decision you'll ever make (that I've ever made).

2) You will always wonder many things: Did you make the right decision? How is your child doing? (Even if you get letters, they are bitter-sweet.)

3) Be prepared that the decision you made may be permanent. It means you may *never* know them.

Perhaps you can tell from this posting that my bd and I have not reunited yet after several months of contact, by her choice, so far.

[KarynB]

1) That these are our children, not our "adopted" children.
2) That it is not open grounds for out-loud specualtion just because he doesn't look like us.
3) That adoption has opened our lives to so many new adventures, new friends and an entire culture - it is the best thing that has ever happened to us in so many direct and indirect ways.
4) that just because we have officially been "waiting" for "only" 5 months doesn't mean that's all there is - this is a journey that has been YEARS in the making....

[aldes]

There is another posting like this on another board, but I'll give different answers for this one.

As adopted child and adoptive dad:

Lose the word a-words in general daily life. I'm Dad, she's dd and gma & gpa are my folks. Period.

"Adoptive/adopted" does not mean "fake" anymore than it means "real". "Real" is what is in my heart for my folks & what's in my heart for my daughter. "Real" is what I know she feels for me now and hope it continues to grow.

Respect your child's intelligence and right to privacy regarding adoption. Everybody you meet does not have to know. As age permits. leave it up to your child.

[browneyes0707]

As a b-mom:

1. I'm not my dd's "real" mom. Everyone is real, no one is imaginary. I acted like a mom by giving her life and doing the best I could for my daughter through my choices and her a-mom is her mom because she IS her mom in every respect of the word.

2. There is no "forgetting" for a b-mom. You can move on with your life, as we all do, but there's always that feeling that something's missing. Another child/ husband /life experience does not replace that. You can't bury it, it always rises to the surface. It's like any other loss in one's life. Respect that, let us talk about it if we want. Don't expect us to pretend it never happened. It's not possible.

3. Follow through. If you have an open adoption, HANG IN THERE during the rough times, and there will be. Keep that line of communication open. If you think you've crossed a line discuss it! If you haven't heard from the other party, extend the arm out to them. I see a lot of times on here where both a-parents and b parents start out an open adoption but they havent heard from the other one and they want to give them "space" Space is great, but too much can inadvertantly end contact. If I could do one thing over in my adoption experience, I'd have kept in touch with DD's a-mom even while I was going through with moving on with my life, because I missed out on so much and I can't get it back!!

4. And in regards to reunion, remember it's all about PATIENCE!!! To have a successful relationship with anyone, it takes two people who are essentially on the same page most of the time. Be patient, be considerate, and it will turn out for the best. And if it's meant to be, it will happen!

[mtlover]

1. No one is better to raise your child than you. People create appearances and the perception that they are going to be better at raising your child than you are. When the time comes and you meet your child and his/her parents 18 or more years later... what you find out about the people who adopted your child is that they are just people too. People who love, who make mistakes, struggle at times in life, and are imperfect regardless of marital status, religious affiliation, education level, current job situation and finances. All of that can change for them... just like those things can change for you. If you choose them, do it with eyes open and because it is what you think is best... not because they are better than you.

2. Adoption is what it is... if you are a parent that adopted a child or children you cannot replace the biological family and vice versa... a biological family cannot replace the family that raised the child/children and in more cases than people want to acknowledge... what is in the best interest of the child is to have access to both.

3. Parents love their children, biological or adopted, and want the very best for them. This is honorable. To think that you are the only one who can give them what is best for them, has the potential to be narrowminded, foolish, destructive and undermine what is in the best interest of you child/children. Children love their parents... all of them. Let them have that love!

Adoptee, FirstMom in reunion for 2.5 years with my 19 year old daughter and GodMother to two beautiful adopted children ages 3 and 5.

[InBlindFaith]

1. As a BirthMother please do not Judge me. I am a woman who has handed a piece of me over to a loving family in blind faith. Reliquinshing is the most painful experience I could ever go through. Please do not judge my DD, because we all love her. Please do not judge her parents because they were given the opportunity to be called Mom and Dad.

2. Please do not stuff me into a box and give me labels. I am a woman living life longing for a part of me that is missing. I do not deserve to be branded with this scarlett letter society has put on my chest. Relinquishing is painful enough, I do not need to be generalized and to be stereotyped.

3. Please do not tell me to forget or tell me you understand. I am a woman who gave life out of love and have a heart full of love for the couple who opened their hearts and their home to my DD and raised her as their own.

Society needs to have understanding and compassion for all sides of the triad. Regardless of which part of the triad we are on we all deserve to be loved for who we are.

[lahdh4]

1. I am human and have emotions. When there is a generalized ugly comment made - I hurt. There is no stereotype in adoption. We are all individuals with our own story.

2. I don't love my daughter any less, I love her more and more as the days go on. I love that she has parents who she runs to for comfort and everything else.

3. It is a fight to keep my head above water but like my therapist said "You also made a promise to your daughter to be the best person you could be." So I continue to fight so that I will be there for her.

[browneyes0707]

Originally Posted by InBlindFaith

1. As a BirthMother please do not Judge me. I am a woman who has handed a piece of me over to a loving family in blind faith. Reliquinshing is the most painful experience I could ever go through. Please do not judge my DD, because we all love her. Please do not judge her parents because they were given the opportunity to be called Mom and Dad.

2. Please do not stuff me into a box and give me labels. I am a woman living life longing for a part of me that is missing. I do not deserve to be branded with this scarlett letter society has put on my chest. Relinquishing is painful enough, I do not need to be generalized and to be stereotyped.

3. Please do not tell me to forget or tell me you understand. I am a woman who gave life out of love and have a heart full of love for the couple who opened their hearts and their home to my DD and raised her as their own.

Society needs to have understanding and compassion for all sides of the triad. Regardless of which part of the triad we are on we all deserve to be loved for who we are.

You go sister! Well said

[Mommy24]

Well I have been hesitant to post on any of these boards to this question, I am trying to figure out in my mind why I am not feeling good about posting....I still dont know but here it goes!

1. I am a MOM to my bson,not his only,nonetheless still A mom, I am not a PARENT, I obviously couldnt be a parent at the time so I chose parents for him and they became mom and dad, please respect my title (its all I have) and I will respect you!

2. Adoptive parents are HUMAN They divorce, they can lose their jobs, they can have turmoil in their lives and they arent PERFECT Please dont hold them to such high standards, its pretty unfair to make them think they cant be human

3. Honesty in adoption is the ONLY way to go, dont say it if you dont mean it, BParents if you agree to something, do it, no matter how hard it is, no matter how much it hurts, its about our children right? Aparents, if you agree to something do it, no matter how hard it is (unless it is harmful for your child)no matter how time consuming it is, its about your child right?

[lahdh4]

Originally Posted by Mommy24

3. Honesty in adoption is the ONLY way to go, dont say it if you dont mean it, BParents if you agree to something, do it, no matter how hard it is, no matter how much it hurts, its about our children right? Aparents, if you agree to something do it, no matter how hard it is (unless it is harmful for your child)no matter how time consuming it is, its about your child right?

So true Michelle.

[loomistunes]

We are GREATFUL to All THREE of our Birthmoms, We LOVE them and respect them and there decisions. We feel there is no Greater love than giving a child a Loving home, and letting go when you can not be a Parent now Yourself. This is the MOST UNSELFISH act there is.. And It really bothers me when I hear, HOW COULD ANYONE EVER GIVE UP THERE CHILD? I say to this, there is no GREATER LOVE than loving there Children enough to let them go....To all the B moms, From an Adoptive Mom, Thanks for making the decision that you did for your children. Your Sacrifice DOES NOT go un noticed...

Adoption is a Child Given to you by God,, BIRTH is a Child Given to you by God!! They are the same..

I feel sooo blessed to be chosen by GOD three times to be a Parent,, Thank You God, and My Childrens Birthmoms..

Also Our children know they are adopted and Loved. It is Nothing we are ashamed of. So Please don't act like it is some big secret. We are Proud to be a family BLESSED by adoption.

[InBlindFaith]

Loomis - you brought tears to my eyes! Thank you!!

((((HUGS)))))

[banjo]

bump- i just want to see if anyone has something new to add....