[crazytam821]

For days now i have been trying to write a letter to aparents of my son. he will be 18 on the 11 of nov- i have had a search angel helping me search for him, she has come up with a very close match and wants me to write a letter... i have tryed 20 times and it sounds so stupid, what if their son is not my son,? what if he is? how do i ask? what do i say? my son was in foster care for i had made many mistakes and cps took him from me in the end... i dont know what to say. anyone please help me..... email me or post physcotam at aol dot com thank you in advince.. i am so beating my head up agienst a wall... tammy

[Leigh131313]

Tammy,

I don't really know what to tell you. I do hope you are prepared for the possibility that they may not be ready to have contact with you. They may have troubles seeing you as who you are now, they may be focussed on your history. You may have to work to overcome that.

I wish you lots of luck and support on this journey.

[crazytam821]

i understand and i am perpared for anything i may have to overcome when it comes to this.. for i hold no one responsable but myself ... thank you for your post... tammy

[Leigh131313]

I think I would have better advice to offer if you knew for sure it was your birthchild.

The fact that you aren't sure kinda makes it awkward, kwim? There must be others who have been in this situation, hopefully they'll respond.

[zxczxcasdasd]

Try not to worry about saying the perfect thing to get the response you want or trying to make the letter "right". Just make it honest and real and then when they read it they'll be reading your true feelings and words and have the reality of who you are and what you would like, to be able to process and respond to.

It will likely not be easy. The amother will likely be very worried and guarded that the children may end up hurt again, or she may be worried that you might be angry or resentful of your kids being taken and want to just tell your side of the story. Your children may be very anxious to hear from you or they may be angry at whatever decisions you made that led to them being removed from their home.

The letter to the aparents is a nice respectful way to introduce yourself and to give them some time to absorb the reality of your desire for contact and to deal with it among themselvse. But in the end, it's up to the son. It's common for boys at that age to want to avoid emotional situations, or to feel conflicted or still be carrying hurt or anger. The magical legal adulthood at 18 doesn't make him automatically ready for contact. His desire for contact will not be based on you saying the "right" thing or even his aparents' support (though both may be factors) as much as it will be based on his own heart and his own readiness to open his heart and his mind to face his past and be willing to accept you into his present and possibly his future. If he is ready right now, there will be many people here very happy for you. If he's not, there are many people here who can support you while you wait and hope.

You can only offer him yourself, as your are, so let your letter be just that- something real and really from you.

Best wishes.

[StorkWatcher]

Until you are sure this is your son, I think you might not want to pour your heart out with the whole story. Once it's confirmed, then you will be able to have your chance to explain things to him.

As an adoptive parent, what I would want to hear in a first letter and what I would guess my son would like to know is:

Why you decided to try to find him - why you wanted to contact him

A brief bit about your life now (what you do, if you have any other children)

What your expectations are (if you are hoping they will write back? If you are just hoping for an annual update. If you are hoping to establish a relationship where you might be in contact more often, etc.)

At some point, a photo of you.

I think what I would hope to hear most is that our son's birthmom realizes that my son might have some questions, and she wants us to know she's open to trying to answer some of those.

[BestLight]

Originally Posted by crazytam821

email me or post physcotam at aol dot com thank you in advince.. tammy

We all know that screen names, etc don't necessarily reflect our true selves. But I do want to point out that your email address would raise a red flag to me.

As a first impression, do you really want to come across as physco -- I first read it as "psycho," and I'd be very reluctant to allow someone who describes herself so into my child's life.

Just a thought. Good luck with your quest.

[Leigh131313]

Bestlight, I have to agree.

It may seem like a small thing to you, but to people who are really analyzing what you write it may send a big red flag.

very good tip!!

[crazytam821]

Yes I Do Agree In A Way But My Step Child Gave Me This Name As A Joke And I Dont Believe It Has Anything To Do With The Type Of Person I Am. I Find It A Insult That You Would Even Say Anything About It...tammyjo

[crazytam821]

I FEEL IT DEEP INSIDE THAT I WOULD SAY ALL WHAT YOU HAVE SUGGESTED AND NO I DONT THINK I WOULD POUR MY HEART OUT AT FIRST... I DO FEEL MY COMNTACT SHOULD BE WITH APARENTS FIRST FOR HE IS NOW THEIR CHILD . AND THEY HAVE GIVEN TO HIM WHAT I COULD NOT AT THE TIME.. TY FOR YOU SUGGESTIONS I AM TAKING NOTES(I HOPE YOU DONT MIND) FOR I AM SO SCARED OF MESSING UP MY ONLY CHANCE TO KNOW HOW HE IS. TAMMY

[crazytam821]

Originally Posted by zxczxcasdasd

Try not to worry about saying the perfect thing to get the response you want or trying to make the letter "right". Just make it honest and real and then when they read it they'll be reading your true feelings and words and have the reality of who you are and what you would like, to be able to process and respond to.

It will likely not be easy. The amother will likely be very worried and guarded that the children may end up hurt again, or she may be worried that you might be angry or resentful of your kids being taken and want to just tell your side of the story. Your children may be very anxious to hear from you or they may be angry at whatever decisions you made that led to them being removed from their home.

The letter to the aparents is a nice respectful way to introduce yourself and to give them some time to absorb the reality of your desire for contact and to deal with it among themselvse. But in the end, it's up to the son. It's common for boys at that age to want to avoid emotional situations, or to feel conflicted or still be carrying hurt or anger. The magical legal adulthood at 18 doesn't make him automatically ready for contact. His desire for contact will not be based on you saying the "right" thing or even his aparents' support (though both may be factors) as much as it will be based on his own heart and his own readiness to open his heart and his mind to face his past and be willing to accept you into his present and possibly his future. If he is ready right now, there will be many people here very happy for you. If he's not, there are many people here who can support you while you wait and hope.

You can only offer him yourself, as your are, so let your letter be just that- something real and really from you.

Best wishes.

THANK YOU AS AALWAYS SINCE I STARTED THIS POST I AM TAKEN NOTES SO I CAN GET IT RIGHT....ITS VERY HARD AND CONFUSING AND MY HEART IS PULLING IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS ......TAMMY

[karaleah]

Originally Posted by crazytam821

For days now i have been trying to write a letter to aparents of my son. he will be 18 on the 11 of nov- i have had a search angel helping me search for him, she has come up with a very close match and wants me to write a letter... i have tryed 20 times and it sounds so stupid, what if their son is not my son,? what if he is? how do i ask? what do i say? my son was in foster care for i had made many mistakes and cps took him from me in the end... i dont know what to say. anyone please help me..... email me or post physcotam at aol dot com thank you in advince.. i am so beating my head up agienst a wall... tammy

ok, I'm writing from the perspective of an a-mom.

I would start small - just let them know how well you're doing, thank them for taking care of your son, let them know you're available for contact if they need any information (e.g. medical updates...). Maybe send a picture of you and, if applicable, your spouse and other children.

On a more personal level, our dd's placement was "semi-voluntary" (loooong story). Anyway, we have no contact with her b-mom at this time, b/c of her chronic drug use and just generally manipulative behavior. We do have contact some of her extended b-family, though.

So, I'm trying to imagine what I would want to hear or know if she wrote us.

I would want to know that b-mom was living a healthy, productive life. No drugs or dangerous relationships.

I would want to know that she understood why she lost custody of her child and that she takes responsibility for her role in it.

I would want her to acknowledge the importance of my and dh's role as dd's parents. Not try to be like, "I'm all better now, thanks for babysitting, now get lost!" (that's an exaggeration, but you get the gist, right??) That's not to diminish HER role as dd's first mom. But, historically she's been pretty demeaning to dh and I so this is a sore spot for me.

At that point, if she had a strong history of being drug-free (for me, it would be 2 years drug-free and participated in appropriate personal counseling) AND if she was able to relate to us in a healthy non-manipulative way, I would LOVE to have her in our lives.

Best wishes.... take it slow....

Edited to add: before someone flames me for being so strict with dd's b-mom, I have nearly identical boundaries/expectations in place for my brother who has done IMMENSE damage to our family because of his years and years of manipulation and addiction. We don't have contact with him and WON'T until I know he takes his behaviors seriously, is addiction-free and can relate appropriately to us (NO MANIPULATION). So, it's not just an adoption thing for us.

Shari

[crazytam821]

thank you for you post. i agree 100 % in what you said... those are most of the things i have started in my draft letter(i have been writing for days)lol. wasting lots of paper. but getting there
once again thank you tammy

Originally Posted by karaleah

ok, I'm writing from the perspective of an a-mom.

I would start small - just let them know how well you're doing, thank them for taking care of your son, let them know you're available for contact if they need any information (e.g. medical updates...). Maybe send a picture of you and, if applicable, your spouse and other children.

On a more personal level, our dd's placement was "semi-voluntary" (loooong story). Anyway, we have no contact with her b-mom at this time, b/c of her chronic drug use and just generally manipulative behavior. We do have contact some of her extended b-family, though.

So, I'm trying to imagine what I would want to hear or know if she wrote us.

I would want to know that b-mom was living a healthy, productive life. No drugs or dangerous relationships.

I would want to know that she understood why she lost custody of her child and that she takes responsibility for her role in it.

I would want her to acknowledge the importance of my and dh's role as dd's parents. Not try to be like, "I'm all better now, thanks for babysitting, now get lost!" (that's an exaggeration, but you get the gist, right??) That's not to diminish HER role as dd's first mom. But, historically she's been pretty demeaning to dh and I so this is a sore spot for me.

At that point, if she had a strong history of being drug-free (for me, it would be 2 years drug-free and participated in appropriate personal counseling) AND if she was able to relate to us in a healthy non-manipulative way, I would LOVE to have her in our lives.

Best wishes.... take it slow....

Edited to add: before someone flames me for being so strict with dd's b-mom, I have nearly identical boundaries/expectations in place for my brother who has done IMMENSE damage to our family because of his years and years of manipulation and addiction. We don't have contact with him and WON'T until I know he takes his behaviors seriously, is addiction-free and can relate appropriately to us (NO MANIPULATION). So, it's not just an adoption thing for us.

Shari

[BestLight]

Originally Posted by crazytam821

My Step Child Gave Me This Name As A Joke And I Dont Believe It Has Anything To Do With The Type Of Person I Am. I Find It A Insult That You Would Even Say Anything About It...tammyjo

I am sorry you feel insulted -- it was not my intention to make any judgments about you. In fact, I specifically said that screen names don't always reflect the people behind them.

I was not calling you psycho, even if you call yourself so.

Anyhow, good luck, crazytam.

[kakuehl]

Tammy, I'm trying to imagine what I would have written in a letter. I actually sent an email to my son's adad and that's a different proposition. The first email I sent was short on details other than to ask if they had adopted a boy born 10/4/72 in ***hospital and to say that if so I was the one who had given birth to him. I told him a little about myself, namely what I was doing now. After he responded, I sent an email with more detail.

I hope this will be a positive end to your search.

You may want to post the letter you think you're going to send to get some more input before you mail it.