[TenderSoul]

Hi all

I'm a bmom to a 19 year old son. I found him believe it or not on MYSPACE this past May 11th. He was so welcoming to the fact of being found. He's away at college about 6 hours from me, with him being away at college that has also taken him away from his adoptive family too, he's even further away from them. Anyways, he brought up the issue of us meeting face to face. I was thrilled that it came from him and I didn't have to push the issue. So he said once he got back to his college state after being back home for the summer he would come to my house to meet me and his two sisters. August13th he showed up and it was wonderful. Oh, I got through those moments when my heart gets in the way because he doesn't communicate more...I just keep reminding myself that he's 19, a boy, in college, school, girls and parties are more fun than a parent.

In the beginning I told him I didn't know what to call myself because I always signed everything I sent to his aparents by my first name, I never wanted to upset them. Well my son told me to call myself "mom" because that is who I am, that he has two moms, because of the both of us he is who he is today. My sons seems well adjusted and is ok with the fact of me placing him.

Well to get to my point......his parents communicataed with me for about the first 4 years throught pics and letters through the agency. Then all of a sudden it all stopped without even an explantion. For years I would send them letters and pics of my family at their request early on. I never gave up.

They know I found my son and have talked to him....how they really feel I do not know because bson doesnt talk about it, all he says is they have always known he wanted to know his bfamily.

There is this need in my heart to write his parents. I don't want them to think just because I found him I don't need them and I dont care. I do care about them because they are his parents. No matter why they stopped contact, that was the past and I have to move forward. I want to build a relationship with his parents and to help my son feel that it really is ok to have two families that he can love and no one will get their feelings hurt. I just don't want to say the wrong thing in a letter and hurt anyone or upset them.

I know because he is an adult my relationship with him is our business and no one can say anything about it however because I do respect his parents I want them to know I am not here to try and replace them or pull him away from them....I know my place, I am his mother to but I am not the mother that is top of his first.

So if anyone has any insight for me I would welcome this....I just don't want his parents to think I don't care about them.

TenderSoul

[Leigh131313]

Well, perhaps you can let them know exactly how you are feeling...

Send a thinking of you card or something...and say how you really care about them and think of them..just something simple.

I don't think you have to discuss your relationship with your son....thats between you and him (he's an adult) besides, he may wish to be the one to discuss it with them.

good luck!!

[StorkWatcher]

One thing I"ve learned so far - even if they don't respond, or you're not sure they want to hear from you, I'd still write.

For what it might mean to your son, and just as importantly, for what it means to you. You need to get those feelings for them out. I think it will make you feel better, knowing you're still trying!

Congratulations on getting to know your son again!

[zxczxcasdasd]

Those are very sweet loving thoughts that you are expressing. I think if you want to take the first step of reaching out to them, I think that's great. To open your hearts to love them too, not because you have to, but because you want to, is wonderful.

Know that they may still be adjusting to the idea of him embracing you as his "mom" and calling you that. Some aparents have no problem at all with it, and for others, it's a very difficult adjustment. Especially coming right along with him going away for college. So if they are still a little raw inside, please do your best to not take it personally. It can take some adjustment to hear someone else called "mom." It can hurt a little for the amom to hear that. Not all, but some. Hopefully, they will be as open and loving to you as you are being toward them.

God Bless you for your loving heart and congratulations on your relationship with your son.

[TenderSoul]

Thank you all for your help and advice, it has really helped. I know this is what I need and should do so I will write the letter. I'll be honest about how I feel towards them and will be careful not to say anything that may hurt them in anyway. Yeah I know they maybe dealing with their own emotions right now. Thanks again! I'm always one to say there really isn't a right or wrong way and no one gave us a handbook on how to deal with all the adoption issues. I guess thats why we turn to each other at places like this, for the help and support. You ladies are wonderful.

TenderSoul

[Mary Lu]

My son and I were reunited about a year ago, after nearly 40 years. I was eager to write a letter to his other parents, and tell them how grateful I am for raising him to be such a fine adult that we both could be very proud of. In fact, I did write such a letter and sent it to him to to give them when he thought the time was right.

He made it very clear to me that would never happen, that he has no intention of letting his parents know about our reunion. He doesn't comprehend the fact that it may give them peace to know his bmother is a decent person, that she is eternally grateful to them, that she has no intention of trying to replace them in his heart, and that he now has full access to his medical history. He has met my 3 other children, and they get along fine, but again - he intends to keep us secret.

He says, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" regarding telling his parents about his newly found family. I do understand that telling them might be difficult, but I feel it is a matter of integrity for him to do so. That is probably my one disappointment in him as a person. Any of the children I raised would have faced this challenge and handled it with grace; maybe his parents weren't so great after all, if they didn't raise him that way.

Call me naive, but I think that an adult adoptee who has been raised by loving parents can bring his adoptive and birth parents together. I've seen it done in two other cases among my sphere of influence. I think it is extremely selfish of him to deprive them of the opportunity to hug, say "thank you" to each other and reconcile their love for their child. And I can't help wondering what this attitude will mean when he has children. I suspect it means that I will never know my grandchildren and that they will never know me or my family. It's like giving up my son all over again, to know I'll be expected to give up my grandchildren so he can keep my existence secret from his other parents.

Well, no one ever said this would be easy. At least I know he's safe. A few years ago, I would have been satisfied with that.

[BarbaraB]

I think there was another thread, but I can't remember when, that touched on contact between adoptive and birth parents (in a formerly "closed" adoption). Some people felt the adopted person, in this case, the original poster's birth son, should be able to decide whether and how the different parents are in contact. I think that's going a little far, but I also think it's enough to develop a relationship with your son for now; don't feel that you have to break down whatever barriers his parents have.

That said, a simple note would be a very gracious thing to do. As far as not offending goes, the less said, the less potential to give offense.

But I also wanted to respond to Mary Lu's comment "Call me naive, but I think that an adult adoptee who has been raised by loving parents can bring his adoptive and birth parents together." I don't think it's exactly naive, but perhaps you are having trouble putting yourself in his shoes. Speaking as a 40-something adopted person, it is extremely unlikely that he grew up contemplating the possibility that he might "bring his adoptive and birth parents together." He may not even have grown up thinking that meeting you was a possibility. You didn't say who found whom, but depending on how much he had to search, if at all, one year is really not a long time to readjust a lifetime of explicit or implied messages that "never the twain shall meet." Also, his parents may have been loving but uninformed themselves, as so many of my parents' generation were, about the reality that severing legal relationships does not keep the heart from wanting what has been lost. One can't assume that adoptive parents want the opportunity to meet, although of course many do.

I hear what you're saying about this being a matter of integrity, and I think I would probably feel as you do if I were in your situation. But his heart may yet soften. I hope it will, and that you will not have to face a loss of contact with his children, when he has them. Having children in and of itself often gives people a different perspective on family connections, so what he says now may not be what he feels after they are born.

Barbara (adoptee, amom)

[Leigh131313]

maybe his parents weren't so great after all, if they didn't raise him that way.

Wow, that's pretty judgemental.

Or, perhaps he just isn't ready for these two worlds to join.

I don't think it is an adoptees obligation to do ANYTHING as far as bringing his parents together with his birthfamily. This can be a highly emotional issue for them, it may not be a black and white (blame the upbringing) kinda thing. This may be something he is just not prepared for, and perhaps you need to give him some emotional space on this subject.

[Mary Lu]

Please understand, I don't mean to be judgmental - it's just an observation. And, while it may not be his responsibility to "bring us together", it is not his right to keep us separated, either. He is only making this more difficult for his other family, because surely they will resent his silence when they do find out. And they will find out becauses eventually I will contact them. Connecting with them is just as important to me as connecting with him was, in it's own way.

Thank you, Barbara B - you gave me some food for thought.

[TenderSoul]

I may have a different view on things. I told my son that I would be writing his parents. I didn't ask his permission. For one thing these are people I have dealt with for 19 years. With or without my son ever knowing what was going on between his parents and I. I am not going to drag my son in the middle of it and I do hope his parents feel the same way. If we decide to have some kind of communication between us then that is for us to work out. I feel my son has enough to deal with, and it shouldn't be put on him to play go between or feel he's being pulled in different directions.

I choice this parents, I sent the letters for 19 years, sure they decided when my son was 4 years old to stop all contact with me, WHY, I don't know. It's still not going to stop me from at least showing that I appricate what they did and in my eyes they did just what I expected, they gave him the life I couldn't. I just want them to know I am open and I do care. His parents know my son and I talk so I do believe the letter may find them some comfort to let them know I do care and I know my place. I maybe his first mother but I am mature enough to know who has a BIG chunk of his heart, his amom. It's all he's ever known.

TenderSoul

[loveajax]

Tender, your posts are beautiful and as an amom, I really appreciate the thoughts and sentiments in them.

Mary Lu, my DH is an adult adoptee (40) who is beginning the process of looking for his birth family...I don't know how long you have been in reunion, but I do think it is important to respect your son's wishes on the matter. I know DH (if he is reunited) will want to tell his parents in his own time and way...that may seem selfish, but to me that seems fair too. Anyway, I do agree that his aparents SHOULD know...I hate sometimes all the deception that goes along with this stuff!

[TenderSoul]

Thanks "love" for the comment. I so agree about the deception that goes along with this stuff. If there was more honesty then maybe things would be better. Sometimes there are so many bitter feelings. I know I for one carried some bitter feelings for a long time. Now I just have to look at how blessed I am that I have my son in my life and that his parents did a great job with him, that gives me the comfort I needed for so many years.

I welcome talking to any amom, to get a different point of view on this and hear their side of things.

I am one to say, I can't judge them because I have no clue what it's like to not be able to carry a baby, just as I don't want to be judge by someone who doesn't know what it's like when you give up a child. I'm very open to hear all sides.

I do pray that my sons parents and I will be able to have some kind of relationship. Time will only tell and I know at this moment time is what they may need. Just as I have to give my son time to take it all in, I have to give the parents time to adjust to me being around.