[Mommy24]

I have been thinking alot lately about the "benefits" of open adoption. I think that in the early stages, when the children are young, it is hard to see the "beneifts" thus making it hard to stick to the commitment we made. However, I believe in the long run it is a huge "benefit" for the child, and sometimes huge sacrifices on the part of the aparents and bparents before we are able to see the full benefits.
Anyone have anything to add here...
Comments???

[dmca]

As with raising children whether they have been relinquished for adoption or in any family, the benefits of raising children and the sacrifices we make for them are seen later in life.
It's hard to believe, especially during teen years that any benefit at all will be seen to our sacrifices, but, it does happen.
Don't count the sacrifices, is my advice, count the successes, no matter how tiny. That's really all we have until they gain maturity.
Big hugs
dmca

[Mommy24]

Great post Dmca...you are so right

[billysmommy]

I agree with the above poster!
As for actual, real-life benefits of an open adoption, I have already seen some with my child. My almost 5 year old son knows who he looks like and knows how he came to be a part of our family. He knows (and absolutely adores) his (kept) brother. He knows that his first family cares about him - they call, write and visit. Because he has this information in his heart and at his fingertips, he is confident enough to ask questions.
IMO, those are already benefits to him, even while he is young.

[loveajax]

This is going to sound nuts, but I frankly see the benefits to ME now of open adoption (my DD is only 15 mos old). I tend to be overwhelmed sometimes with the sadness that I know DD's birth mom feels and being able to talk with her and to see her has been very cathartic for me (and I believe probably for her as well). We have had some ups and downs in the whole process - - birth mom probably would like MORE contact and we are trying to figure out what the best amount/type of contact is (and DH and I tend to disagree a bit on this, that's another story, though obviously he believes in doing everything set out in our OA agreement). I'm hoping as the years go on, it will work itself out. I am so glad DD will know her birth family and know first hand that they truly love her.

[bajj]

I think the benefits will depend on both the birth and adoptive family. I also think it will depend on the child. If both sets of parents are willing to sacrifice and do what is best for the child, then I believe benefits will shine through at different stages in life.

I'm not real sure how I feel about Adoption Agreements or Adoption Plans. I have left mine where they can be rediscussed and opened further as time goes. I don't think either set of parents can say, "a set of pictures and letters x times each year and x visits each year" is best when the child isn't even born yet or isn't very old. I think both sets need to be willing to "grow" together and change their plan as needed. I am in the process of opening one of my son's adoptions even more and I am so excited about it! I pray someday the other one will open up, too. I believe in the early stages it's what is best for the parents, at least in infancy. But, that is just my opinion!

[Mommy24]

Bajj, although it seems best for the parents during infancy, would you agree that the long term reason for doing it is for the interest of the child? I know that the baby doesnt really benefit from contact or pictures but as the years go on how wonderful it will be for them if they dont have to search because they have the benefits of knowing exactly where they are.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Well not even just that.. but doesnt it fully benefit the child to know that both parties were treated with respect and were respectful of the other??

[LegalEagleMom]

As an adoptive parent, I feel open adoption benefit all parties if you willing to work at it. With Kaitlyn’s birth mom, I make it a point to send a letter and pictures at least every 6 months to let her see how she is growing up. Sadly, I wish she would pick up the letters at the agency to see how Kaitlyn is growing up. I would be open to occasional visits and contact when Kaitlyn is older, but that is Kaitlyn’s decision as to what she wants. All I can do advise my daughter and give her my thoughts, but ultimately it’s her decision.

[browneyes0707]

Originally Posted by Mommy24

Bajj, although it seems best for the parents during infancy, would you agree that the long term reason for doing it is for the interest of the child? I know that the baby doesnt really benefit from contact or pictures but as the years go on how wonderful it will be for them if they dont have to search because they have the benefits of knowing exactly where they are.

I agree with this statement, as it was my intention to stay in touch with my daughter's a-family from the get go for that very reason. I thought that it would be easier if my daughter grew up knowing exactly who I was and where she came from. And in the beginning it was beneficial for both a-mom and me since there was no question about regrets or guilt on either side. But I did cut off contact when my daughter started getting old enough to talk to , because I wasn't sure if I could stay committed to contact while I was still growing up emotionally, and I was soooo afraid that I'd let her down. I thought it would be "beneficial" at that point to wait until I was mature enough to handle it. And now years later as we work towards reopening contact, I realize that it may have been better for all of us involved if I had just worked through my insecurities while my daughter was young, maybe with a-mom's help. I don't think anyone blames me for going my own way, but I don't think my daughter is ready yet for me to re enter her life (even though she is curious) and I'm still trying to work out boundaries and contact with her a-mom right now, and it's hard. Way harder than I remember it being years ago, and I think way harder than if I had just stayed in contact. I wish someone had reminded me back then that staying in their lives might be better in the long term.

[bajj]

Originally Posted by Mommy24

Bajj, although it seems best for the parents during infancy, would you agree that the long term reason for doing it is for the interest of the child? I know that the baby doesnt really benefit from contact or pictures but as the years go on how wonderful it will be for them if they dont have to search because they have the benefits of knowing exactly where they are.

Yes Mommy24, I do agree that in the long run it is good for the child. I think a baby does benefit from touch, during visits...but I think touch is important to babies anyway (IMHO).

So, in the beginning it seems to be about what is best for both sets of parents, and then you do what is best for the child...if that makes sense. But I feel it is best for the child if all parties are open and honest and don't cut the other off, especially w/o any reasons given whatsoever (it makes me mad to think about your case).

[bajj]

Originally Posted by browneyes0707

I agree with this statement, as it was my intention to stay in touch with my daughter's a-family from the get go for that very reason. I thought that it would be easier if my daughter grew up knowing exactly who I was and where she came from. And in the beginning it was beneficial for both a-mom and me since there was no question about regrets or guilt on either side. But I did cut off contact when my daughter started getting old enough to talk to , because I wasn't sure if I could stay committed to contact while I was still growing up emotionally, and I was soooo afraid that I'd let her down. I thought it would be "beneficial" at that point to wait until I was mature enough to handle it. And now years later as we work towards reopening contact, I realize that it may have been better for all of us involved if I had just worked through my insecurities while my daughter was young, maybe with a-mom's help. I don't think anyone blames me for going my own way, but I don't think my daughter is ready yet for me to re enter her life (even though she is curious) and I'm still trying to work out boundaries and contact with her a-mom right now, and it's hard. Way harder than I remember it being years ago, and I think way harder than if I had just stayed in contact. I wish someone had reminded me back then that staying in their lives might be better in the long term.

((((((((((browneyes))))))))))))))))

I will keep you in my prayers.

[Leigh131313]

This is how I see it...

I think my child will benefit from there not being secrets.

He will benefit by having the option to discuss what he wants, when he wants about his adoption to his birthfamily without having to suffer through a search.

His birthfamily benefits by knowing him and watching him grow up. They will not have all of those worries about if he is happy or if he is healthy. They will know.

For us, it benefits me to know them. It takes away alot of fears that can build up over time when you start to build an image of a "birthfamily" and what they may want.


So really....other then that....I can't worry about what what having an open adoption will or won't do. This is enough for me.

[browneyes0707]

Originally Posted by bajj

((((((((((browneyes))))))))))))))))

I will keep you in my prayers.

Thanks bajj. I appreciate so much the support! It's nice to know I can come here when I 'm having my bad days to be with people who understand!!

[loveajax]

Browneyes, good luck reuniting with your DD. I am glad that no one blames you for your decision and it sounds like it hopefully will just require some time.

To be honest, the thought of DD's birth parents deciding (for whatever reasons) that they do not want any further contact scares the bejeezus out of me. Was there anything that your DD's aparents could have done differently so that you did not cut off contact at that time? (It sounds like no, but I am curious...sorry if this question is too personal).