[SchmennaLeigh]

A reminder to preface this post: solicitation of either expectant parents or waiting families on these forums, even via PM, is not allowed. You will be banned. Thanks!


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A friend of mine received a MySpace message from a couple looking to adopt. My friend is not pregnant. She is a firstmom who placed quite a few years ago. Of course, their message said that they were searching for birthmoms to adopt an infant... which I responded to their message for my friend that birthmoms don't exist until the TPR is signed.

So, my question is: what is crossing the line in terms of solicitation? Why did this adoptive family feel that it was appropriate to solicit someone they weren't even sure was pregnant with a child and considering placement? If you're attempting a private adoption, you DO have to find different avenues to make contacts... but is contacting people at random "appropriate." Or is it gray? The same goes for expectant Mothers: can they just ask any family, online or not, to parent their child? What if the family isn't looking to adopt? Would that make you, as an adoptive family, feel as if you were being put on the line?

I, personally, have a problem with outright solicitation of either side of the adult triad. I know it works for some. But I think emailing anyone on MySpace who lists adoption as an interest in hopes of adopting their child is a bit much.

What are your personal limits? What do you think would help families and expectant mothers in actually making contacts without making others feel weird? I know there has to be a better way to go about it but my mind is blanking.

[msdesi]

I've seen newspaper ads in the classifieds from hopeful adoptive couples, and I think that's ok. I'm sure there's also some online equivalent where they can place ads too.

Although I've never see an ad from an expecting woman considering adoption, I think that would be fine.

Ads are ok because it's just putting the information out there and if someone wants to call it's up to them.

I agree that outright solicitation does not seem appropriate and is likely not very effective.

[loveajax]

Yikes. I think it's wrong. Period. (Ads, yes...that lets someone contact you if interested). In a way, I am glad that my state is an agency-only state (not that there are not issues there as well, obviously).

[SchmennaLeigh]

I didn't used to be okay with ads but, after a discussion with someone a few months ago, I realized it was a less-offensive way of letting expectant Mothers know that you're "around." So, yes, I like the idea of ads. At first, my mind was like, "So you're placing a classified for my baby?" But that's not what it is... to me.

Anyway, that was rambly. LOL

[HappyTwinsMom]

Eeeewww! Definitely wrong in my book. Newspaper ads are one thing, and I do see them from time to time. But soliciting someone "cold turkey" is just too out there.

[bajj]

What were they thinking?????? Why would they even contact her? Why did they think she was pregnant? I don't visit myspace, so I'm a little lost to what would make them think she was preg and placing and even IF she were, why would they send her an email like that?

The only way I would consider adopting a child through solicitation would be if a friend had a close friend or relative and didn't know what else to do. However, with all the options these days, and all the parenting resources and all the potential adoptive families, that seems very unlikely IMHO.

Wow, I think they were wrong. I think even if I were looking to place I wouldn't want to get to know them after that. That is defiitely crossing the line!

[loveajax]

I hadn't thought of this, but if you do a private adoption and find an expecting mother (see, I am learning!), could she place with you without getting ANY counseling or her own legal advice? That seems pretty wrong to me too (though I am a huge advocate for choice), and probably pretty risky for potential APs? Or am I missing something?

[whitsunday15]

I find this disturbing from my (an adoptee) point of view. My immediate thought is how desperate these people sound to be going to these lengths. I am always suspicious of people who are that pushy. I always feel that they have alterior motives.

I would hope that my mother would not consider placing me with someone who solicited her. Isn't there a "catalog" of some sort that an expectant mother considering adoption can look through for potential adoptive parents?

Personally, I do not feel solicitation on any level, is appropriate.

[Sniffles]

I don't mind the ads, but I think the out right solicitation of a person is just so wrong. To tell you the truth if I was planning to give up a child for adoption and someone came to me like that. I would never even consider them adopting my child.

[healingfeeling]

my first thought also was desperation! (great minds think alike whit) hehehe

anyway, this seems to cross a boundary and just leads me to believe it would not be a healthy relationship for the child, bios or aparents.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Re: counseling.

Yes, if a woman goes to place w/out the aid of an agency, she could be "denied the opportunity" for counseling. However, in my opinion, "counseling" offered by agencies is a bit biased anyway. In this case, I prefer to advise women to seek their own counseling. There are counselors that work on sliding scale budgets, etc, so that it is an option.

But yes, you were on with that as well.

[msdesi]

Although I mention I think newspaper ads are ok, there are some that trouble me.

I often see "all expenses paid" along with "let's help eachother!" bolded in these ads. Or sometimes it's "Generous couple" seeks to adopt newborn.

Am I way off base when I think that's a loose translation of "We'll pay you"? I know of course it's illegal to pay for a baby...but nobody knows what nobody knows, you know? I'm sure it happens.

I just don't ever like the implication of monetary gain and feel it's impossible almost for the expecting mom to make informed choice in this circumstance.

Not all adoption ads make these statements, and I don't have any problem with the ones that leave all financial talk out of it.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Hmm, msdesi, I hadn't noticed those in the few that I've seen. (Not many in our area.) As I fall further and further from believing that adoptive parents should be hinged in on expectant parent bills of any kind, those would cause me to worry.

[bajj]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

Re: counseling.

Yes, if a woman goes to place w/out the aid of an agency, she could be "denied the opportunity" for counseling. However, in my opinion, "counseling" offered by agencies is a bit biased anyway. In this case, I prefer to advise women to seek their own counseling. There are counselors that work on sliding scale budgets, etc, so that it is an option.

But yes, you were on with that as well.

I have to say, that not ALL agencies provide biased counseling. The one that I worked with has a counseling center that is actually seperate from the agency itself, but part of the same organization...if that makes sense. Anyway, I know they discuss ALL options and have helped many, many women to parent their children...women who thought they had to place.

So, even though I think that particular agency is in the rare, it can happen. Of course, their counseling is not just limited to adoption situations either.

[loveajax]

I think it may be "better" at agencies (like ours) that are part of a larger social service agency (not just an adoption agency). I like the idea of truly independent counseling (if wanted).