[Patty-cake]

I posted this in another forum and didn't get much response and I don't think I worded my questions clearly enough so I will try again.

First, my dd's amom feels threatened by me. I know I'll never be her mom. I did not raise her and I did not seek her out. I do want a relationship however. Is there anyhing that I can do or say to make her feel at ease? She is an older lady and dd is 35.

Second, when I was talking to my pastor about this I mentioned my grandchildren and he said that was a threatening phrase- that they are not my grandchildren- that I gave up the right to be their grandmother. (Nobody ever told me that 35 years ago.) I don't care what they call me but kids have more than one set of grandparents- many have 3 or four. My daughter seems to like the fact that I am excited about them. Even now that we are in a "time out" she still sends pictures of them. Do you think this would be a problem for her mom? I thought it was something we could share in common. In my heart they are my grandchildren regardless. At the same time I would never offer parenting advice unless asked because I did not raise their mother.

[shylagirl]

As an amom I've tried to embrace my dd's (Birth)Grandparents and greatgrandparents. They sadly haven't returned that to us or our Dd. Between my husband & I Dd has 2 grammas, 2granddads, 4great gramma, 3 great granddads and a great great gramma. So whats wrong with a few more No child has ever gotten too much love or support.

Maybe you should talk to your daughter and see what her feelings are on the subject. And maybe your grandkids can come up with a gramma name for you. but if there is tension between you and the amom try is all you can do. Patience is difficult (especially) with those you don't agree with but maybe one day it won't be about control for her and it'll just be about the kids. Good luck !

[mom2GRLC]

It may not be about control....it's likely more about fear.

My suggestions would be for you to just reach out in friendship to her. Eventually she will see you more like a friend and less of a threat.

[zxczxcasdasd]

How about telling her what you just said? That you know that you didn't raise her and have no intention of pretending you did, or supplanting or replacing her. That's what she probably fears: that what your daughter gives to you will be taken from her (amom). She fears the change in her relationship with her daughter. And she probably loves her/your daughter so much it hurts- just like you. Tell her you just want a relationship with your daughter to the extent that your daughter is comfortable with. Compliment her on the job she did mothering DD. Reassure that you do not consider her mother title or relationship ended just because you and DD are reunited. DD can reassure her of this too. And also by not letting her relationship with her amom fade away when the amom is feeling the most vulnerable and scared. The reunion can be really hard and really scary for the aparent side of the triad- just like it is for the other two sides. There are fears and feelings and adjustments that will take time to work through-- the same as there are for you and your daughter. It's not your fault (or your daughter's) or your responsibility. But if you want to help the situation, for all of your sakes, you can.

Just my suggestion.

I think it's wonderful you love your grandchildren. Everyone just needs a little time to realize that there is enough love to go around. Heck, I know of grandparent situations with no adoption involved where people can't seem to fugure this out and think it's about jockeying for the pre-eminent "most loved" or "most important" position.

So don't play the jockey game and tell her that you aren't. You can be you in DD's life and she can keep right on being who she has always been in her life. It shouldn't change. She's just afraid that it will.

[dmca]

Patty cake
Your clergyman doesn't have any right to make the decision on whether you are their grandmother or not.
All he has is his opinion ( which I happen to disagree with)
I do hope you send a letter to her child's mother or talk to her , reassuring her that she will always be the mother of her child.
Personally, I think the mother of my daughter is a gift from G-d. I can't WAIT to meet her.
As to the grandchildren, I hear you on that one too.
So, when I was wrapping my grandson's gift, I sent an e-mail and asked my daughter , "how shall I sign this,*** or nana?"
The reply was nana, it made it easier as one Grandmother is mimi, one is grandma and I would be nana.
now HER opinion, in contract to your clergyman's opinion was what counted. Get my drift?
BIG BIG HUGS. And know I'm there with you, as you go along this journey
dmca

[dpen6]

Patticake,

i have lived this situation as an adoptee with children. I found my bmom when I was 29 am now 49(gulp). When I first met birtmom I did not want my kids in the picture just yet. I felt it was between her and I and wanted control over the relationship with y kids. I had my 2 older ones at the time and they were 3 and 2 months. I needed to process the whole thing before I felt comfortable. Although I always knew that yes...they were her grandchildren and on a basic level did respect that.

The other factor was the distance between us. She was in Georgia and I was in MAss. anyway. She did send presents for them and I told them who she was. My attitude was that when they were old enough they would decide on what kind of relationship they would have, because...yes she was their grandmother, as well as my mom. They saw each other a few times and really didn't foster a real close relationship but respected her.....again, I think due to distance.

I don't think my mom was threatended but again the distance came into play so there was no real threat to her.

I think you need to respect the relationships already in motion and start your own relationship given the situation your in..in other words....Yes, you are their grandmother and no one can take that away but repct the postions of the other grandparents....the other grandparents need to get that also.

Yikes..I was just thinking back to the competiton between my mom and MIL..thank god Ginger was in Georgia...don't know HOW I would have handles another grandmother...

[Patty-cake]

Thank you so much for responding. I do live in another state. My dd's mom and in-laws live in the same town as dd.

Ideally in time I would like to visit dd and babies once a year just for a day or meet somewhere for a weekend once a year when my dauguter and I have our relationship worked out.

Of course like I said I would love to meet her mom. You amoms don't know what a relief and joy it is to know your dd has had what you wanted for her and that she is still very much loved.

[rilo kiley]

Patty-Cake, it seems to me you are doing the best you can. As an adoptee newly in reunion (4 months), with no children, I don't have first hand experience with your situation- but from my perspective- there isn't really anything my birth mother could do to make my amother feel more secure. It's my amother's issues and fears she has to work out- and it's my relationship with her that will continue to show her she is my mother even if I have a relationship with my other mother as well.

At this point- I would love love love to have children and have my bparents be proud grandparents to them as well as my aparents. I think you have to continue to develop your relationship with your daughter and in doing that the rest will work itself out. I'm so glad you are getting photos and are hoping to travel to spend time with them. I would keep letting your daughter know that and how you respect how she would like to continue to grow your relationship with her and her family.

By the way- I disagree with what your clergyman said- I am sorry that was someone you went to for support and they were so narrow minded and oppioninated about something they probably have no first hand knowledge about.

[Patty-cake]

I guess didn't make myself clear as to what my pastor ment. The point that he was trying to make was that dd's mom would feel threatened by the idea that I think of the babies as granchildren. I'm just trying to guage what the chances are that he is right.

I am willing to be called by first name if my daughter thinks it would avoid conflict.However I can't change the way I feel. They are miricals that I prayed for. You see early on in my pregnancy before I even knew for sure that I was pregnant. I was having severe abdominal cramps. I was given a shot of what was the drug of choice to prevent miscarriages if you were pregnant, if not it would bring on your period. About 15 years ago I read in one of my nursing magazines that a study was being conducted on this same drug because the female offspring seemed to be developing cervical during their teens
resulting in sterility or death. I began praying then. Some time later it was anounced that 90% of these wemon were affected. When I first heard from dd along with everything else I was relieved that she was alive. when I e-mailed back I didn't dare ask about childeren. The next morning I turned on the computer and saw her picture with her husband and the most beautiful baby you can imagine- she was also pregnant at the time. God is good!- Patty

[Carol Bird]

Sounds to me that your daughter WANTS you to be Grandma to her children. Frankly, I believe you DO have the right to claim them as your grandchildren -- THEY ARE YOUR GRANDCHILDREN. They carry YOUR genes and probably your talents and features and other commonalities.

My daughter also wanted ME to be grandma to her children. The first was five months old at our reunion -- she just turned 20 in August and the other will be 19 in February. I have been Grandma Carol to them all their lives and they've delighted in boasting to friends that they have THREE doting Grandmas. My daughter's parents happily shared them with me like they have with the girls' Paternal Grandparents.

We did NOT give up the right to call ourselves Mother to our child or Grandmother to our grandchildren when we had to relinquish so many years ago, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Hugs, Carol Bird

[kakuehl]

Interesting thread...

I'm dealing with a similar sort of situation in that I am about a year into reunion with my 33 year old birth son who is married with an 11 year old stepson, an eighteen month old daughter and a five day old son! (see pics below!) Our reunion has gone incredibily well, in my opinion. The slight fly in the ointment is his amom who, I think, is somewhat threatened. Let me stress, however, that she has been very gracious. D and his family all call me Kathy. (I would love to have the kids address me at Nana like my other grandkids - and step grandkids, but that's their call: I suspect it's better right now if they don't) I understand D's mom's concerns and I have tried to be very sensitive about her feelings. I have said to her in so many words that I am not trying to replace her (not that D would let me if I did want to).

D is by firstborn, there is an incredible connection at least for me! I am not however the mother who raised him and I honor her place in his life, and truly give thanks for her. In fact, I sent her a Mother's Day card telling her so; she recently told me that she had shared it with a co-worker who is the a-mom in an open adoption that is apparently have some rocky moments.

I have been blessed in the last 2 weeks by being able to spent 2 days with them while J was on modified bed rest prior to the birth of Z and by spending this past Wednesday with them at the NICU (Z had some problems getting the fluid out of his lungs and was transferred there - he's now home.) I got to hold him and then kept I occupied while D & J were in with Z. (An advantage of being a pastor is that sometimes I can rearrange my schedule!)

While I will never think of D's children as anything other than my grandchildren, I will probably refer to them as your grandchildren when talking to S. (Actually, I'll probably just talk about D's kids!)

Blessings,
Kathy

[crick]

Oh Lord...

My kids have no grandparents...well, not in the biological sense. Both dh's & my parents have passed on and we were so sad for the kids not being able to experience that type of relationship. We are blessed by 3 women (aunt, and 2 friends of my family) who have stepped in to be "Grandma" to our children.

We refer to them as "Grandma firstname" and the kids are not confused, they love spending time with each of them and they all have a different relationship with them. The kids also have Godmothers to dote on them and if it were up to my kids, they'd have more adults to spoil them rotten!

If your daughter wishes you to be involved in her and her children's lives...then I hope you will.

[Patty-cake]

Thank you all for your input. I wish it was closer to Mother's Day. The card idea is great! I wish I had thought of it myself.

[Mil]

I think this is probably somewhat of a problem in most reunions at the beginning. It's hard enough for the adoptive parents to think about 'sharing' their child, even though the child is an adult, possibly married and having children. But I think the grandchildren sometimes pose an even bigger threat than the 'child' that's been adopted.

My son was 27, married w/ children when we met. He had an 8 yr. old stepson and 2 yr. old twins. His adoptive mom was a full-time babysitter to the twins at that point. My son and I both felt that he was 'my son' as well as his parent's son. But I felt it was best if he called me by my first name, as his mom was extremely threatened. But I didn't know what to do in regards to my grandsons. And I was scared to ask! Basically because it was such a huge thing in my life. I was scared to even meet them at first, cause I knew I would become so attached and then if I couldn't have a grandma's role in their life, I'd be crushed! Finally, I brought up the subject to my son (very hesitantly!) and he knew it was an extremely tough subject for me. But he said that of course they were my grandchildren and I was welcome to think of them that way. That was a relief to me, of course, but we didn't talk about what they would call me. But my precious 8 yr. old step grandchild took care of that one for me! When they told him the situation, my daughter-in-law told him that he could call me whatever he wanted and he was thrilled to have another grandma! So he immediately started calling me that. And he called my husband grandpa the first time we met! Talk about a shocker! We have no other grandchildren yet, so it was really, really strange to suddenly be having an 8 yr. old calling you grandma! The twins were small at the time, but they just grew up calling us Grandma and Grandpa. I think my son's mom was shocked at first, but she accepted it.

Now I know this sounds like my situation was very easy. But my reunion is now 5 yrs. old and it was definitely 'a process'. The acceptance didn't come overnight. Nor did the friendship between his mom and I develop overnight. I know she didn't like it when the boys first started spending the occasional weekend with us. Or a week during the summer. Now they stay every few weeks and his parents consider it a little vacation for themselves since they babysit full-time. They've even asked us to have the boys when they want to go out of town for a few days! It's great! It's even happened that we've been up there (my son lives 2 hrs. away) for the day and my son is working. The four of us (my husband & I, and his adoptive parents) have taken the boys out for dinner together. We've gotten to a very comfortable place.

When we first met, I never thought we'd be where we're at in this relationship. There are lots of things to work out in a reunion. Everyone's 'place' seems to change and that's scary. Give it time. I know everything seems scary now, but it CAN work out if everyone is open and honest about how they feel. Someone posted earlier about a phrase that I've said many times in regards to this situation. 'You can never have too many people love you!' My son was his parent's only child and they love him to death. But so do I! And they play a huge part in their grandchildren's lives. And I respect that. But thank goodness, due in part to their generosity and graciousness, so do I!

Life is good!

[manni28]

MIL;

What you wrote was beautiful! It think this is how all reunions should.