[mom2GRLC]

If you felt coerced to place your child can you answer a few questions.

1) Was it a person or agency that you feel was at fault for making you feel that way?

2) How/what did the do to make you feel like you had no choice?

3) What was the aftermath of that decision? Did you ever confront those at fault? Was any action taken to make things right? What could ever make that situation right?

4)How did you move foreward with your life after feeling like you had been so wronged? If you couldn't get your child back, do you still stay in contact with your child or with his/her adoptive parents? How does that affect your relationship? Will you ever tell your child how you were treated and how you were forced to place?

[SchmennaLeigh]

1) Was it a person or agency that you feel was at fault for making you feel that way?
Yes to both person and agency.

2) How/what did the do to make you feel like you had no choice?
Coercive language (referring to me as a birthmother before I placed), telling me that I had nothing to offer my child/that she would be better off with a, b or c as a parent, telling me that they would be fired if I kept my baby, telling me how wrong I was to be using state medical assistance, telling me how I needed to help make another family. The list goes on for awhile.

3) What was the aftermath of that decision? Did you ever confront those at fault? Was any action taken to make things right? What could ever make that situation right?
I did confront the agency, mostly regarding their lack of information provided to me. I reported them to the BBB as well. They assumed absolutely no responsibility. I am petitioning for my file soon.

4)How did you move foreward with your life after feeling like you had been so wronged? If you couldn't get your child back, do you still stay in contact with your child or with his/her adoptive parents? How does that affect your relationship? Will you ever tell your child how you were treated and how you were forced to place?
I didn't feel like I was wronged; I was wronged. Difference. Yes, we are in contact. It is neither my child's fault nor her parents' fault. It doesn't effect our relationship as I deal with my anger at the agency/people in therapy/etc. Yes, at an age appropriate time but always with the understanding that even though I was wronged, she was always the first and foremost priority in my mind. I thought what I was doing was best for her because other people made me believe so and, thankfully, it is working out for both her and myself. I can only pray that it continues to work for her. If ever it didn't, my guilt would be insurmountable.

[mom2GRLC]

Thank you Jenna for sharing

[numbr1dbcksfan]

1) Was it a person or agency that you feel was at fault for making you feel that way?

Well not sure it is as simple as that. I think that the people in the agency are doing their jobs, I think that society's view is tainted and I think I was in a rough spot. If anyone or thing was at fault it was "the system" and circumstance.

2) How/what did they do to make you feel like you had no choice?

Again.. not as simple as that. It is psychological issues.. building up a person based on faulty logic to influence a particular way of thinking. It was paying my medical bill under the pretense that I would pay it back if I didnt place. It was feeling obligated to her parents. It was the false empowerment in the fact that I was taking the "control" away from her father (who I had a restraining order against). It was him for continuing to stalk me and leaving me in a scared panic to think that "this" was the solution. It was people saying "Oh you'll change your mind" like it was a bad thing... or like I was a pushover...

Does any of that make sense?

3) What was the aftermath of that decision? Did you ever confront those at fault? Was any action taken to make things right? What could ever make that situation right?

I dont think that there is any "making it right". I will never have my daughter back. Even upon reunion.. I cant have back the years lost. Confront? Well, I certainly have had words with her father. But agencywise, they went out of business soon after. I am the one who gives out contact info (through a post here) for anyone trying to find them (they didnt notify anyone...) There is no way Im rocking that boat. Nothing will change what happened.

4)How did you move foreward with your life after feeling like you had been so wronged? If you couldn't get your child back, do you still stay in contact with your child or with his/her adoptive parents? How does that affect your relationship? Will you ever tell your child how you were treated and how you were forced to place?

How? Well, publically. Ive been on this board for almost 6years. Slowly. Painfully.
Yes I have contact with her parents.. well mostly her mom. Will I ever tell her.. I mean.. Im all about honesty.. I dont sugar coat anything.. but I also take full responsibility for allowing myself to be treated that way. So again.. it isnt as simple as that... I cant blame someone else for my stupidity.

[BestLight]

When I hear stories like Jenna's and Christine's, I think of the dystopia novel, The Handmaid's Tale. Have you read it, or seen the movie? Brings up clashes of class, of age, of power.

I like being part of this forum, as many of us aim to raise awareness of respect and full information that should be given to all triad members, and consciousness about the ethics in which adoption operates.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Nope, but I'll pick up that book. Mmmbooks.

[Kitti]

Wow, this is quite a subject. Here goes.

1) It was a person (my own mom) and an attorney and my OBGYN (they were brothers) who made me feel worthless.

2) I was told I could not live at home anymore if I kept my baby and I would have no help from my family financial or otherwise. I was told I could not possibly be the kind of mother my child deserved to have, and worst of all I was told I really had no choice in the matter because I was only 15 at the time. I was also told that the people who wanted to adopt my baby could not have any children of their own and this was my chance to "salvage something good from my disasterous stupidity" This, by the way, I have found out was quite the untruth since my daughters aparents have 2 biological children. I do not however hold them accountable for that lie. They are wonderful people.

3)The aftermath is like a tornado through your soul. You wander arounder picking up pieces of your broken world and wonder how you survived. The only person I ever had the courage to confront was my mother and that was quite a few years later.I moved out on my own at 16and never went back. She and I are not close and have not been for a very long time. Nothing could ever make things "right" like it never happened, I just try to make the best of every day.

4)Moving forward was a headlong rush for me in life. I wanted motherhood and had my next daughter at 18 and 2 more kids after that. Nothing has brought me greater joy than raising these incredible people but I have never forgotten my firstborn and my heart has never fully healed.I have been in contact with my daughters mother in the past 2 years and though my daughter is not ready for contact I have found some comfort in speaking with her mother and knowing how much she is loved. I feel like I have a bond with this special woman who did what I could not do at the time, and raised my daughter to be a lovely young woman.
I do however feel like I need to meet my daughter one day and actually see her for myself. Because I was never allowed to see her I have never come to terms with what feels like her disappearance for lack of a better word. There was never a chance to see her, hold her,or say I love you or goodbye once she was no longer in the womb and we were separated.
I dont feel the need to tell her all the bad details of her placement, I don't want her to feel badly about any of it, it is not her fault. I do want her to know that she was wanted and very much loved and not considered a mistake in any way.


Kitti

[bajj]

Originally Posted by Kitti

Wow, this is quite a subject. Here goes.

1) It was a person (my own mom) and an attorney and my OBGYN (they were brothers) who made me feel worthless.

2) I was told I could not live at home anymore if I kept my baby and I would have no help from my family financial or otherwise. I was told I could not possibly be the kind of mother my child deserved to have, and worst of all I was told I really had no choice in the matter because I was only 15 at the time. I was also told that the people who wanted to adopt my baby could not have any children of their own and this was my chance to "salvage something good from my disasterous stupidity" This, by the way, I have found out was quite the untruth since my daughters aparents have 2 biological children. I do not however hold them accountable for that lie. They are wonderful people.

3)The aftermath is like a tornado through your soul. You wander arounder picking up pieces of your broken world and wonder how you survived. The only person I ever had the courage to confront was my mother and that was quite a few years later.I moved out on my own at 16and never went back. She and I are not close and have not been for a very long time. Nothing could ever make things "right" like it never happened, I just try to make the best of every day.

4)Moving forward was a headlong rush for me in life. I wanted motherhood and had my next daughter at 18 and 2 more kids after that. Nothing has brought me greater joy than raising these incredible people but I have never forgotten my firstborn and my heart has never fully healed.I have been in contact with my daughters mother in the past 2 years and though my daughter is not ready for contact I have found some comfort in speaking with her mother and knowing how much she is loved. I feel like I have a bond with this special woman who did what I could not do at the time, and raised my daughter to be a lovely young woman.
I do however feel like I need to meet my daughter one day and actually see her for myself. Because I was never allowed to see her I have never come to terms with what feels like her disappearance for lack of a better word. There was never a chance to see her, hold her,or say I love you or goodbye once she was no longer in the womb and we were separated.
I dont feel the need to tell her all the bad details of her placement, I don't want her to feel badly about any of it, it is not her fault. I do want her to know that she was wanted and very much loved and not considered a mistake in any way.


Kitti

Thank you for sharing this. My heart goes out to all who were coerced to place their babies.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

Nope, but I'll pick up that book. Mmmbooks.

Just prepare yourself Jenna. It has a powerful impact on birthmothers. Especially those that have been coerced.

[tyiakoum]

I also agree about Margaret Atwood's - The Handmaids Tale. Very moving. Her work is amazing. Jenna, she is also a poet. Her prose is really lyrical and deep.

Thank you, all of you first moms for sharing and I really can say that you have all made a huge impact on me personally.

For the "expert mistake maker" (number1dbcksfan)... I am always struck by Maya Angelou, who also had many difficult choices to make and issues to deal with -- she says "when you knew better, you DID better.". I don't think you are an expert mistake maker, but a fabulously astute life-learner. You did make the best decision you knew to make at the time.

[Patty-cake]

First I'd like to say that my daughter's adoption was a long time ago and things are done differently now.
1) Was it a person or agency that you feel was at fault for making you feel that way?
my parents and the councilor at the agency

2) How/what did the do to make you feel like you had no choice?
My parents refused to let me bring my baby home unless the father married me- fat chance. They also told me that the councilor/social worker was "going to help me make my own decision". The councilor belittled every rational means that I could think up to take care of her- instead of helping me find a way-leaving me with only crazier ideas that I never told her- and desided not to do. She never told me about help that was available, told me that a married couple would be better for her than me, told me my child would hate me for being an unwed mother,(my aunt said that also) made remarks about my friends-who she had never met, told me not to read the relinquishment papers, threatened me with medical bills,(my parents had already paid 1/2-which I later repaid them),bills for room and board- and I don't know what else.

3) What was the aftermath of that decision? Did you ever confront those at fault? Was any action taken to make things right? What could ever make that situation right?
I was suicidal for 2 years then married a jerk (that I divorced after 6 years)just to have another baby (a wonderful boy). I was totally obsessed with my son and protective of him. Thank God he is leval headed and easy going and shows no adverse effects.

My parents are deceased. There was very little discussion after- but I think mother was sory without ever saying so. The agency has closed that branch.

Nothing can make it right.

4)How did you move foreward with your life after feeling like you had been so wronged? If you couldn't get your child back, do you still stay in contact with your child or with his/her adoptive parents? How does that affect your relationship? Will you ever tell your child how you were treated and how you were forced to place?[/quote]
I swallowed the whole thing did not talk about it or allow myself to think about it- except when I prayed for her.

It was a closed adoption. She found me 33 years later. I told her about my parents- but not the social worker. When she asked these things I hadn't sorted it all out. Things looked different after 33 years. If this comes up again it won't be because I brought it up. Frankly I think the depressing story kind of got to her and telling it got to me- but I am better now. I've been in therapy for 2 years.

I have never met her Mom but have heard good reports about her. I don't think she had knowledge of this and I don't hold her responsible. She and her husband (now deceased) gave my daughter a good life and she is still very much a part of it. If she ever wants to meet me I would love to meet her but it is my understanding that she does not want to meet me. How sad.

Things worked out well for my daughter and that makes me happy. We can't change the past.

[Patty-cake]

I need to make an ammendment and some additions:

Actually I think my daughter rather enjoys the knowledge that I wanted to keep her. It was seeing the effects on me that got to her. She is the one that suggested counciling and I am greatful.


I was also demanded exellence of my next child- because somehow I was afraid of people rejecting him because he was mine (even though he was legitimate) and Iwanted to prove that I was a good mom. Amazingly he was able to live up to my expectations and does not hate me for it.


Another tactic that the agency used was not allowing anyone to visit (like my mother) during my labor, knocked me out for the delivery, denying my request to try natural child-birth, not allowing visitors after the birth- (they kept me for a week and gave me some medication that stopped after the papers were signed) and not allowing me to see my child until I set a date to sign the papers, then I got to see her the day before signing. Even in those days I don't think this was legal but the "hospital" was in the facility.

Anyway we all survived and I am learning to deal with this. I am more accepting of my self and more understanding of my parents. I always loved them but didn't understand at all.

[zxczxcasdasd]

I knew that being pregnant out of wedlock was a huge stigma for a long time, but I had no idea that these things (the domination, drugging, isloation) happened. I am absolutely floored. I just can't even imagine this kind of thing happening to anyone, much less teenagers, as it seems was often the case. I am so sorry.

[InBlindFaith]

1) Was it a person or agency that you feel was at fault for making you feel that way?

It was my mother. It was my friends I lost. It was my father's family who disowned me. The only person I felt safe with was my adoption agency and I couldn't bring myself to tell her what I was going through.

2) How/what did the do to make you feel like you had no choice?

I was called names, told I was "damaged goods", I would never amount to anything, no one decent man would ever want me.


3) What was the aftermath of that decision? Did you ever confront those at fault? Was any action taken to make things right? What could ever make that situation right?

I built walls, I perfected the "mask" I wear everyday, I have kept myself emotionally distant. It can't be confronted when the people involved refuse to admit it ever happened. To this day I am still referred to as the "whore" by my father's family. My mother now is very supportive of my search and waiting for my daughter, but I am having trouble forgiving her for the things she said and did. I do try to forgive her.


4)How did you move foreward with your life after feeling like you had been so wronged? If you couldn't get your child back, do you still stay in contact with your child or with his/her adoptive parents? How does that affect your relationship? Will you ever tell your child how you were treated and how you were forced to place?

I stumbled in the dark trying to find my way, up until I met my DH 5 years ago. He accepted me for me and encourages me to be true to myself. I now have a group of amazing girlfriends who are here for me when I need them. My adoption was closed. I have always kept the Agency updated. Now I am patiently waiting for my daughter to be ready to meet me. I don't think any of this would affect our relationship. I would only tell my daughter if she asked.

[merrill1277]

Mom2grlc, I tried to answer in a few sentences but couldn't and I ended up writing out my story. (in brief actually)...
If you felt coerced to place your child can you answer a few questions.

1) Was it a person or agency that you feel was at fault for making you feel that way?
Adoption didn't enter my own mind. Talk of adoption started with my mother, her priest, and Catholic Charities. Through them I was made to feel I had no right to this baby. (never referred to as "your baby"). Basically I was made to feel that pregnancy out-of-wedlock was an illegitimate state of being, sort of like a crime was committed and you had no right to even speak of what you want, yet you could redeem the situation by handing the child over because that was "what was in the child's best interest" anyway. The point was pressed hard that I should know better (because of our home situation, parents separated) that the child would be much better off in a two-parent home. (the possibility of marriage later on was not taken into consideration, rather it was implied that keeping the baby would end that possibility).

Still with all of this the thought of losing my baby was unbearable, so I left home and moved in temporarily with a friend hoping to find a way on my own. I got a clerical job, worked there for some months, then was fired with no explanation but the looks on their faces told all. I was beginning to show and to the point where it became obvious to them and think also that a certain long-time employee who knew mentioned it to them. My employers were an older couple who obviously would not tolerate having an unwed pregnant employee. (no this wasn't the 1950's but the late 70's).

By now it was getting kind of late in the pregnancy to find a new job, especially in my situation (as I learned). The SW at welfare offered me nothing more than a milk stipend as I already had a roof over my head, and he didn't tell me what resources might be available after the baby were born and once I was on my own which I would have to be. There was basically no information given. No offering or pointing to resources...even for temporary help.

There were also the people who treated me like I was stupid for not having had an abortion, or for having gotten myself into this situation in the first place. I knew I was wrong to have been in the relationship I was in, but like another poster said, I never saw my son as a mistake... once he was here, well he was here... and I tried to the best of my ability to keep him healthy and try to find a way for us to stay together...those were my hopes and goals.

2) How/ what did they do to make you feel like you had no choice?

I think some of that was explained above, but there's more. In my 8th month, I brought up the possibility of adoption to the doctor because I was under tremendous pressure to, not because I wanted to. His face immediately lit up...told me he had a couple in mind. I think he told them the same day as they got a lawyer involved right away. (I had only brought it up for discussion). The next visit I was told they were building an addition onto their house. This added 2 tons of pressure to what I'd already felt. I was also told by the doctor not to pay him for office visits anymore and that they would pay the baby's hospital bill. I felt trapped like there was no way out, became depressed and had to force myself to eat.

When I came into the hospital in labor, I was put out and heavily drugged through late labor, birth, and for several hours post partum. I was not expecting that. The lawyers came in to the hospital for my signature. my (so-called) legal representation was paid for by the aparents. (I was not aware of the process or distinguishing between prospective adoptive and actual adoptive parents). I thought it was all over way before it actually was, legally speaking. He never informed me of a revocation period and, as I would later find out, so many other things. There was no neutral counsel (forget about counsel representing my interests) or impartial counseling ever.

All at the same time through the pregnancy I was made to feel that I would be doing a wonderful thing for the child by having (him) adopted, but staying with me was seen as negative because he - (it was not we - the language of separation happened well before the birth) would be doomed to the dead-end way of the welfare life (apartments infested with cockroaches and all) and he'd have no chance at a decent life, therefore I'd be doing an awful thing to keep him. Fast foward two-plus decades when he found me, and I found out that in his eyes I did a horrible, monstrous thing (and was not deserving of respect in any way shape or form).

His aparents pretended to him while he was a child that I was a "friend of the family" who "chose her (amom) early in the pregnancy to be his mother", and that I "could have stopped by to see him any time" or could have gotten him back. Thinking I was a friend of the family, anything they'd tell him he'd believe as a child because he thought they knew me. He said he waited for me, and never showing up, his anger built up over the years to an unbearable point.

In reality, this was a closed adoption and I didn't even know them or where they lived. I was told a few non identifying things by the doctor (occupation, hoping for a child, overjoyed about the possibility of adopting this baby)..

So all those years I had no idea he was being told those things or the effect they were having on him. Open adoption was not even a figment of my imagination back then and never discussed, yet he was believing it was open but that I just didn't care about him. It all sounds so unreal, but this did happen. Who would play with a child's mind like this?

After bson contacted me and told me all these things, I made contact with the doctor's wife (she was his nurse in his office - he is now deceased but she still works there for an associate) and took bson there for a meeting with her to verify that 1) I was not a friend of the family and did not pick her (the doctor did - she was a patient of his) 2) I did not know them at all and did not know where they lived 3) It was a closed adoption as most were at the time and nothing happened to change it 4) I had no knowledge of "being able to come see him or come back for him whenever I wanted." She was puzzled as to why (amom) would say these things. I don't think the doctor or his wife had anything to do with this. I feel the doctor felt I was fair game for securing a baby, but didn't have anything to do with what came after.

3) What was the aftermath of that decision?

Grief.

Did you ever confront those at fault?


I feel my mother was my main influence (I really needed her support). At one point not too long after son contacted me she apologized, crying, but wasn't specific. I felt it was enough. She's in her 70's, has health issues (including HTN and a ministroke). She had a hard life and just didn't want the same for me. She grew up in a different time when some things just weren't done. At the same time, I can't understand how any mother could allow their daughter to go through this... she never lost a child... maybe didn't quite realize what she was asking me to do or other priorities (of hers) overruled that.


I found out from my aunt that my grandmother had appealed to my mother to allow me to bring the baby home. I never knew this until a few years ago, but it means a lot to me. Over the years my grandmother was the only one who would ever mention him. When she would ask me about my children, her great grandchildren, she would always tell me that she was thinking of him too.

As far as the aparents...things they have done and said have caused me a great amount of grief. Some day when I'm ready I'm going to write them a long letter.

Was any action taken to make things right? What could ever make that situation right?

Really the only thing I ask is for people to be honest and tell the truth, and be willing to hear the truth rather than holding onto false belief systems that serve only them. (Beliefs like babies who were adopted were "unwanted" by cold uncaring birthmothers who should have no place ever in their life ever again). What if it isn't true (as I think in most cases) ? The child grows up believing a lie. In what way is this good for them? I've had acquaintances who adopted. When I told them about this situation they said it shouldn't matter. Their family is enough and the biological mother shouldn't matter and they deny that any of this would affect the child. These are people who adopted in the 1980's. I thought there might have been more awareness by then...not necessarily.

4)How did you move foreward with your life after feeling like you had been so wronged?

A huge amount of repressed grief came out the first two years of the reunion...more than I'd ever have imagined was there. A lot of what they've done has caused a lot of extra damage that is hard to move on from. It's a harder road when you find out you were trashed to your child rather than considered or respected as a person.

If you couldn't get your child back, do you still stay in contact with your child or with his/her adoptive parents? How does that affect your relationship?

Not applicable for me, but I imagine it would cause a major strain in the relationship when revocation is legally sought out but fought and lost.

Will you ever tell your child how you were treated and how you were forced to place?

He wanted answers to many questions and I had nothing to hide -- answered him and simply told him what actually happened, what was fact and what was not.

It really didn't matter to him how I was treated... he felt there was no "excuse" ... had no concept of what I experienced whatsoever. It's just too far out of his realm of life experience. Said "I should have done x, y and z...etc." and "Women's rights were fully in place by the 1970's." How about a right to impartial counseling, to independent counsel, better yet to an advocate, to be told what resources are available, to be informed that you have a revocation period, to not make such a life-altering decision when under duress...like weeks later, not in the hospital. How about people that have been so beaten down emotionally that they lose what little sense of "rights" they may have had (like a woman's right to raise her own child when that is her real desire and she's truly able). And I guess all people in positions of authority or power stopped trampling over others' rights right then in the 1970's, including over those who were young, isolated and left with no means of support. All of that just ended in that wonderful liberating decade. Really... who doesn't think it still goes on... head in the sand.