[blessedbybug]

First some background...sorry it got long. DS is two months old and we are in a potentially open adoption. I say it that way because we are willing and want openness and are committed to at least monthly letters with pics, bi-weekly phone calls (or more if V needs them) and at least four visits a year. That is our minimal commitment but we are definitely open to more.

So... DS's first mom has all our phone numbers (and we sent her a long distance calling card to use), knows our present address (and we sent her stamps) and has our emails. We are moving at the end of this month to another city. She knows this too but we haven't been able to get in touch with her to give her our new address.

The last time we talked was mid-July. We don't have a permanent phone number for her so don't know how to get in touch with her. We understand that she left the last address we know where she was sometime after that phone call. We've tried to get in touch...no luck.

Based on our conversations, we have a VERY vague idea where she might be but she NEVER gave us direct information.

Now here's my dilemma... I feel almost desperate NOT to lose touch with her. It is my sincerest hope to keep contact with her by whatever means necessary. I understand her need for space but I don't want her or DS to ever wonder why we didn't make every effort to stay in touch. Would you, if you were in this situation, try to use what little info you have to track her down and try to make contact? OR... would you assume from her lack of communication is an attempt to NOT have contact with us for now?

Thanks for your help...

[timni]

hmmmm tuffy one......
I would say make the effort. Better to be sorry for intruding then sorry for diappearing. JMO

[bajj]

I would say since it's only been 4 months, she definitely needs space. Did you use an agency or attorney you can leave your info with and if so does she know how to contact them? She will contact you when she is ready. My oldest son's (who is turning 5 tomorrow ) birthmom at first didn't want ANY contact. Then she wanted pics and letters and then right before he turned 2 she wanted to meet him. We love knowing how she is and being able to allow her to see how ds is doing, but that might not have happened if we had forced the issue.

I'll be praying for you!

[HappyTwinsMom]

I would just keep sending the updates like you've been doing and make sure she knows how to get in touch with you. Our contact with our daughters' birthmom is sporadic at best, but we just keep on keepin' on and she contacts us when she wants to or feels able to.

[Leigh131313]

I'd check with the agency to see if they've heard from her. I would leave contact info with them.

Other then that....I dont think I'd pursue it any further.


Unless you know someone else in her familly...I'd contact them if you can.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

I'd check with the agency to see if they've heard from her. I would leave contact info with them.

Other then that....I dont think I'd pursue it any further.


Unless you know someone else in her familly...I'd contact them if you can.

I wish there was someone else to contact but there isn't. With Bug's first family, we communicate via grandparents a little. We don't have that kind of contact with Roo's first mom.

I think I will call the SW who handled the placement and see if she's heard from V. I doubt it though. And the agency has ALL our contact info. Ugh... I'm still on the fence of what to do.

THANKS ALL for your input!!!

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I too would tread lightly. Maybe she does not want to be found right now. Our Bear's b-mom took a year before she was ready to see him again. We just had the visit last weekend, and she was SO stable and excited to see him. I could tell that she was pleased with her decision and at peace with where he is. She had spent the last several months in an in-patient facility and I am SO happy to see that she is doing good. Of course it took her almost 6 months to get to the point of accepting the help she needed...including counseling to deal with her decision. Maybe she needs space.

[taramayrn]

Tammy,
I wish I had some answers but I don't. Do you have an address for her? I think you need to keep sending updates, etc. but maybe see if the agency would hold onto them for her and if she contacts them she could get the updates. But I would recommend contacting the agency anyways - they might have some suggestions. Otherwise I think it might be hard to track her down.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by taramayrn

Tammy,
I wish I had some answers but I don't. Do you have an address for her? I think you need to keep sending updates, etc. but maybe see if the agency would hold onto them for her and if she contacts them she could get the updates. But I would recommend contacting the agency anyways - they might have some suggestions. Otherwise I think it might be hard to track her down.

Well... she gave me enough info that I am pretty sure I have the address of the place where she is, if in fact, she moved to where she said she was going to. I think I will send updates to the agency, see if they have any suggestions but it is such a weird situation. She worked with a "satellite" worker, someone not actually in the two main offices. Would I contact that worker? I am writing updates on my computer so that when/if she does make contact I'll have the updates for her. I guess I wouldn't worry so much except we are moving in less than two weeks and I never was able to get in touch with her after we had our new addy. Ugh...

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Bug&Bearsmommy

I too would tread lightly. Maybe she does not want to be found right now. Our Bear's b-mom took a year before she was ready to see him again. We just had the visit last weekend, and she was SO stable and excited to see him. I could tell that she was pleased with her decision and at peace with where he is. She had spent the last several months in an in-patient facility and I am SO happy to see that she is doing good. Of course it took her almost 6 months to get to the point of accepting the help she needed...including counseling to deal with her decision. Maybe she needs space.

Thank you. I know that V is, if she is doing what she had planned at the time of Roo's birth, making some efforts to get healthier in every way. I am so willing, more than willing to give her all the space she needs. I just worry because I never want her to think we weren't interested in a relationship, that we didn't try hard enough. Thanks again.

[taramayrn]

I would contact the main worker at the office. Good luck Tammy. Let me know if you need anything.

[Leigh131313]

I would contact both the main worker and the satelite worker.

We use a satelite worker for our end of things, and believe me, She knows a HECK of a lot more about us than the agency does. The agency would be clueless about us for the most part...but heck, our satelite worker even knows my friends!! lol

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by taramayrn

I would contact the main worker at the office. Good luck Tammy. Let me know if you need anything.

Thanks Tara. I'll contact someone in the South Office tomorrow.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

I would contact both the main worker and the satelite worker.

We use a satelite worker for our end of things, and believe me, She knows a HECK of a lot more about us than the agency does. The agency would be clueless about us for the most part...but heck, our satelite worker even knows my friends!! lol

Leigh... I PM'd you!

[Leigh131313]

lol, i haven't received a pm from you...but I did just send you one