[Hunter's Mom]

Background - I am a foster/adoptive mom. Our daughter has been with us for well over 2 years now. I always wanted to do an open adoption - biomom wanted to do an open adoption. BC our daughter is still in foster care, the agency will not allow any contact of any kind. K has not seen her bio mom in over a year. I did send some pics through a friend a couple of times, but even that got me reprimanded.

We are in the process of signing the placement paperwork this month. Dh says we should leave it alone & let K decide when she is an adult, but I feel like it will benefit us ALL in the long run to have contact now. I am not sure how to go about initiating contact bc I certainly do not want to hurt bmom. She is just a kid and so, so sweet and MR. We do occasionally see bio aunt at soccer fields and such since my 3 oldest play soccer. It is not uncomfortable in any way for me, but it bothers dh.

They are not dangerous in any way, shape, form or fashion. Just K is medically fragile & they did not have the resources or the transportation or the knowledge to care for her. They did parent her for the first 4 months - they were just unable to keep up with her daily care & really were intimidated by it, I think.

I am rambling - but I just want to do what's best for EVERYONE - I know that it will be a lot of work but I want it for me, for K & for her bio mom, too. (Bio dad is not in the picture - he is not an factor in this - this is an incest situation).

[Foundoutat50]

Hi
I'm not a bioparent - I'm an adoptee and an adoptive parent - but it looks as if there will be ways for K to make contact with her bmom if she wishes, when she is old enough.

My concern is that your hubby doesn't think it's a good idea at this time to maintain the connection. You've got 3 older kids and now K, so you know that parenting can be challenging, especially those teen years !!

I think it's absolutely critical that you and hubby agree about this. In addition to the challenges of raising 4 children, you don't need to be battling between the two of you about K's bmom. Have you considered talking to someone who specializes in adoptions to get an opinion on the benefits and pitfalls of maintaining contact? Then you and hubby will have to come to an agreement you can both live with. You won't want the conflict you'll get if you are welcoming bmom regularly and he doesn't agree ... or if you try to do it behind his back and he finds out.

[crick]

I can see why the state has said no contact. It's probably not due to the bmom's safety etc., but due to the bdad. If bmom inadvertantly were to give him information etc., then the safety of K could be compromised.

After the adoption is final though, you are her legal parent and can decide who is involved in her life. The state no longer has a say so over that aspect. So for now, do everything you can to follow their rules to avoid losing K and respect that they have to be this strict.

As far as the contact after finalization, talk to your dh to see if there's a middle ground. Would he be okay with sending updates/pics? Maybe a neutral meeting place? I agree that you will need to reach an agreement between the two of you.