[manni28]

Brandy:


I think that very nice but very rare for bmom to be called mom by the bchild. Even in open adoption(which you have) the child usaully calls bparents by their first names. To me, it's not like both sets of parents are on the same equal level.

[BrandyHagz]

I don't think I said anything about that - and I never speak for others - so I wasn't saying that was normal.

No need to defend your position - its ok - I don't think my way is better - its just better for me.

[sugarbabysmommy]

Originally Posted by baby1995

hi
also how do you feel when your child tells other strangers that she is adopted, do you feel that it is free to talk about or wish they would just consider you their mom.

Today, my feelings are all over the place about titles, honestly, I can't answer that portion of your question since I don't know my own answer.

This piece stood out to me though, talking about adoption. We talk about adoption, mind you babe is only three, but we still talk... it's an open and free topic in our home and talking about it doesn't make us feel any less like babe's parents. In the future when babe's interest in adoption becomes more accute, I won't/don't believe that expresssing that interest means babe doesn't consider me a "real" mom.

[manni28]

Brandy:


Cool

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by manni28

To me, it's not like both sets of parents are on the same equal level.

I have to say, while it is true many people feel that way, it is not supported by children/adolescents in open adoptions. It is a fact, supported by sound research, that kids in open adoptions do not see adoptive mothers and birthmothers equally. They are able to distinquish between the two very seperate roles they each have regardless of what they decide to call them.

[mom2GRLC]

I agree....I have called my bio-dad "dad" all my life and my step Dad by his first name.

Yet....I know without a doubt which one was truly my parent/father and it has nothing to do with biology.

[dmca]

WHOA MANNI! Please don't go there. Way back ( not today) we HAD NO CHOICE. We DID earn that title by CREATING that baby that you adopted. who else did the work? the adoption agency?
ANOTHER "earning" we RELINQUISHED our babies because WE wanted a life for them. you know, FOOD, CLOTHING, SHELTER. I think that SACRIFICE is known by EARNING THE TITLE MOTHER.
DMCA

[manni28]

DMCA:


First, I'm not a amom I'm adoptee and I do stand by what I said the titles "mom/mommy" and "dad/daddy" are title ,IMHO, that are earned. Not to belittle the bparents but our adoptive parents have sacrifice alot for us too! and as any child (bio and adoptive kids) that has love ,for their parent, we are grateful and honored to have these people as our parents.So, I reserve the title of "mom" and "dad" for my aparents besides, my mom is very proud of the title.

[taramayrn]

I used to call my step mom "mom" when I would go to visit. I also called my mom "mom". I don't think it has anything to do with earning a title or that they have to be on equal playing field, etc. I knew who was the parent. I just felt comfortable with calling my step mom "mom". She was comfortable with that and my mom was comfortable with that as well. Bottom line, I could be called "stinky head" by my birthson and be thrilled. Whatever name he choses to call me I'm cool with.
I think it's great to say that in your situation calling your bmom mom wouldn't have worked. That's great. Keep in mind though you also grew up in a closed adoption, with no contact from your bmom. However in an open adoption, where co parenting is NOT happening, children know who is the parent and they are often comfortable with the birthparent and their role in their lives. They aren't unknown. I don't see how an adoptee calling their bmom "mom" has to diminish the role of the adoptive mom.

[taramayrn]

I think this talk of you have to earn your title of being called mom really reinforces the myth and feelings that we as birthmoms aren't "good" enough to be parents, etc. We weren't good enough to be in our children's lives, etc. Not true.

[manni28]

Tara:

I don't think it a not "good" enough mindset (that adoptees aparents or society may have) it's a fact, being a parent does require diligence, hard work and sacrifice. It is a title IMO that is earned.

It's like working with your co-workers (on a project) and everybody does their share equally except one and that one person want to share the praise and credit ( I'm not saying bparents are like this.)

This is how some of us adoptees/aparents (may) feel- it's not easy being a parent,and our parents did do the hard work and we are appreciative and grateful (what child bio or adult wouldn't be?) and don't want to share our parents titles with anyone else.

You know, this conversation reminds of a conversation I had with my step-mother ( who is very nice) when she and my dad got married. She told me and my sister to call her "mom". Now, of course, that was a no-no for me and my sister because we have a "mom"-so do you see were I'm coming from? It's not only with bio-parents that adoptees are like this with.

[BrandyHagz]

Manni,

If you're going to post your feelings - own them. Don't say things like 'this is how some of us adoptees/aparents (may) feel' - own it - say 'This is how I feel'.

I'm an adoptee and obviouisly you and I are of two totally different opinions here...but you seem to have a problem with owning your feelings.

No one on this forum would have any problem with what you're saying if you'd just own it.

[manni28]

Brandy:


I'm sorry about that, this is how "I" feel and I will "own" this thought

[manni28]

Brandy:


I just want to ask a question? Why is it when a bparent asserts their claim to being a childs parent they not called on it? But, when a aparent or achild say "no,my aparents are my parents they are called on (generalizing) it?"

[BrandyHagz]

I don't think anyone has ever been called on speaking for themselves - I know many have been called on speaking for others...including yourself I think.

Plenty of birthparents have been called on speaking for others.

It has nothing to do with the topic - and everything to do with acting as the spokesperson for an entire group of people and speaking on the behalf of all members of a certain side of the triad.

My comment to you was in regards to this statement: This is how some of us adoptees/aparents (may) feel- it's not easy being a parent,and our parents did do the hard work and we are appreciative and grateful (what child bio or adult wouldn't be?) and don't want to share our parents titles with anyone else.

You just need to own it - don't try to speak for 'some' or 'many' adoptees - There is no reason why anyone should try to speak for others - even if others share your opinion. Own your feelings and your opinions and post about them. I expect the same from all sides of the triad in this regards, not just adoptees and adoptive parents.