[longingtomeetyou]

i would like imput from adoptive parents about how they tell their adoptive children about the birthparents......


im a birthmom and i recently found where the adoptive parents are living.......the adoptive mom phoned me after i phoned the pastor of the church they are attending.......i never asked the pastor to talk to them ....i just asked for a picture......

im just wondering if the adoptee has asked about the birthparents do you think its proper for the adoptive parents to tell the adoptee that birthmom is available to be found .........as a minor?



opinions please......

[SchmennaLeigh]

Uhm, yes. Why wouldn't an adoptive parent reply to a child's questions about their firstfamily in an age appropriate manner?

[Leigh131313]

Jenna,

You and I see things a certain way because we feel open adoption is beneficial to everyone involved.

But some people do not believe this. They have chosen closed adoption (perhaps) for their reasons...and they may not be open to having contact. I would think they would still discuss their birthparents, but I don't know how much detail they would want to get into.

It's hard to say, because it is just not how i feel about it....ya know?

[longingtomeetyou]

so your saying its best to tell the adopted child that the birthmom can be found as the adopted child is a minor?

my situation shes 16.......
so you think she should be told im looking for her and would love contact?

or should that wait till shes 18?

technically speaking the adoptive parents can open the adoptive if the child is asking about the birthmom right?

[Leigh131313]

I don't know what is best. If the child is a minor it's up to her parents to decide what is best.

For me, I chose an open adoption. I feel it is best (for my family)to always be in touch.

[Leigh131313]

They CAN decide that they want to open it up...but they may not be open to this idea.


Have you contacted them to ask about openning things up?

[longingtomeetyou]

well the adoptive parents knew i wanted a picture from the pastor telling them......

i thought the phone call from the adoptive mom went great! and then weeks later they changed their minds.......

i dont know what to think......its all speculation on my part right now......i do think i deserve an answer straight from the adoptive parents themselves!!seeing as they phoned me first!

i think its a little hypocritical of them to phone me and then tell me not to phone them????

you think i should try to contact adoptive parents again?

[Leigh131313]

I don't know....

If they asked you not to contact them.....

I really don't know what to suggest to you. I'd hate to suggest something that would make things worse.

Perhaps someone else will have some ideas?

anyone?

[MamaS]

Sixteen can be a difficult age. Most kids that age think their parents are either the stupidest or the meanest people in the world. And then suddenly, here comes a
"new mom". Maybe the adoptive parents are afraid of that train of thought? Plus, they may be thinking -- she knows our names, where we go to church, and our phone number. She can easily get our address too. Then she will know where our daughter goes to school. If she gets a picture she will know just who she is looking for. She might approach her at school, or the bus stop, or the local burger hangout and say "Hey, I'm your real mom" and then our daughter will want to leave us and go with her because she is younger and "cool" and has never grounded her. (See how easy it is to be really paranoid with fear?) It doesn't matter if you don't plan that and never would think of doing that, the fear is still there, and very real.
Maybe if you asked to meet just the parents with a mediator -- like say their church pastor -- so they can ask you questions about what you are planning and you can reassure them in person? Just a thought.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Sixteen is rough. It's their decision however and, in the case of a minor, we, as firstparents, must respect their decisions. Hopefully they would be willing to at least inform the teenager of your existence and let her know that, when she is ready, so are you.

[longingtomeetyou]

tks for your responces.......
i am thinking of contacting the pastor again asking them to phone me back .......explaining whats going on........i dont think thats unreasonable.......asking the adoptive parents to phone me back explaining the situation........seeing as they already phoned me once.......quite frankly i think i deserve for them to phone me back explaining why they wont send the picture.......i need to hear from the horses mouth persay......

[WLD]

Okay, i'm an amom as some of you know. In my circumstances, if bmom wanted contact with my son, i would say 'no'. But i would keep contact open between her and me. Right now she is not at a place where she should be to have a relationship with him but may be in the future. Of course that is easier for me to say because my son is much younger and his bmom doesn't want anything to do with him. But if my child was 16. That's a rough age, i know because i have a bdaughter that is 17. They go through thinking their parents are the stupidist people that God put on this planet. And they go through so much emotionally at this age anyway, not even factoring in the adoption part of it. I can understand why you would want a picture, but i can also understand the fear of the aparents in not sending one if they don't really know you. They don't know what you may or may not do. My ason's bgrandfather approached him when he was at someone else's house and told him he was his grandpa. Confused him to no ends. If i was in your shoes (and since i'm not, obviously i'm speculating and you should do what you think is best for your situation) is maybe try to build a relationship with the aparents, if they don't want any part in that, i think i would leave my contact information with them or the pastor for the future if they later decide to give it to her and then as hard as it will be, wait, oh and keep praying. I know it must be hard for you to understand why the aparents are denying you this but i'll be honest with you, when we adopted my son, in the beginning, i was fearful of every one of his brelatives that decided they wanted contact. I didn't know these people and i didn't know their motives. After a while, i took a chance and most of them were genuine and now have a relationship with him, but it was scary. I didn't want to upset or confuse my ason anymore than he had already went through. With time, they may see that you want the same thing that they want, your daughter's happiness.

[janf]

i am a bmom and my situation is a bit different, my son was adopted and it was open until 99 when the aparents lost custody and son is now in fostercare. I did not find out until last year. I contacted the sw and we spoke for hours, she needed some back ground info. I know where he is at but have no address and no phone number. It was suggested to me to write the foster parents so i did and just waiting a response. Send the church a letter to give to the parents, even a letter for when she turns 18. I have to agree 16 is a difficult age..

bvest of luck to you

jan

[NJNative]

As the adoptive mom of a 15 year old son in a closed adoption, I answer questions when he asks them. I would be firmly opposed to opening his adoption at this age. He has ADHD and learning disabilities and is a typical teenaged boy -- very much just a big kid. He is not mature enough at this time to handle a reunion. Right now he needs to concentrate on finishing maturing, and completing high school, which is always a struggle for him.

If I was contacted by his birth mother, I would tell her to write a letter than I would give to him after he graduated from high school. I would also make it clear that we would not support any other contact at this time.

I know that that is not a popular stand in these forums. But I know my son and I know his background (neglected, possibly abused and abandoned before his adoption at age 10 months). I would have to do what, as his mother, I feel is best for him.

Robin

[crick]

Longing...as a parent in a closed adoption, I do answer questions from my kids about their first mom. To answer your question though about telling the kids regarding contact and that the first mom wants to have contact, that would depend entirely upon my kids, their wishes, and of course the first mom. Meaning where everyone is at emotionally etc.

I would likely open contact up first with the first mom without involving the children. No parent just says "hey, here's someone you don't know but here's her email addy, go write to her" kwim? I think reunions need to be built slowly and if the child is a minor, the parents absolutely need to be involved.

I also think too that they might have been a bit shocked to say the least being contacted by their pastor out of the blue and now knowing that you are partially aware of their surroundings and life. I'm not saying you are a threat, not at all, just saying that it must have really thrown them for a loop. Their call to you was after your request of a picture, correct? Granted, you didn't ask for a call, just a picture, but maybe they wanted to be sure you were who you said you were and the pastor would have no way of determining that. I myself would not have just handed over a picture of my kids to the pastor to pass on, without checking out the situation myself. So for me, I likely would have called too. Besides which, I wouldn't tend to want the 3rd party involved in my private business, so would likely bypass the pastor anyway.

There could be a variety of reasons and I think it would be better to not assume the worst of them. It could be they DID tell her about the calls and dd said "I don't want to be in contact right now". And maybe they don't know how to tell you this without hurting your feelings. Who knows? It's not always a case of "insecurity", imo.

I can understand your frustrations over being promised a picture and now not receiving it. They did say they'd send you one and should honor that promise. No if, ands or buts about it...you say you'll do something, you should do it.

Maybe a letter to them would be the way to go at this point?