[yllea]

Ok, I am very new to this website (as in 15 min or so), and maybe I could find this answer elsewhere, but I want to ask it myself.
I am the wife of a birthfather. Years ago, he and an exgirlfriend found out they were pregnant, but felt they were too young, so decided together to give him up for adoption. Being painful as it was, my husband, M, and his girlfriend, L, decided to part ways. We found out in the last few days ago that L entered into an open adoption with the aparents. With this knowledge, we are so excited to know that my husband can have contact with his son.
Here is(are) my question(s): I am not a birth parent. But I feel such love for this boy that I could burst knowing that we have been given the priveledge to be in his life. But, what am I? Not really a stepmom... not a birthmom... I am very confused, and obviously still reeling from the new developments.
I know very little about open adoptions, and less still about what priveledges the birthmom gets (i know she sees him, but dont know if he goes to visit her, or what he calls her, etc.) I could go on for DAYS on what I dont know!
Any advice?

[kune]

I have no idea - I'm a birthmother to a young adult and my husband is very much part of the equation now. But....we are not parents or Mom and Dad in the true sense of the word. We are friends. My son calls me by my first name. (I have to add here that I feel he is my son, but respect that he has a very good Mother of his own).

Only thing I can suggest is be a special friend to this child. Can you remember one of your Mom's friends who really loved you and treated you as her special little lady? Do the same to your step-son - (there you are - that's a title you can adopt). There's a favourite saying on these threads - "You can't be loved by too many people".

Love and peace and happiness to the three of you. Be especially kind to your husband - even though he doesn't realise it yet, this is all going to be very emotional for him. I wish you well

Ann

[SchmennaLeigh]

You are someone else to show a child unconditional love. My Husband is that for the Munchkin. Had I parented, he would have willingly parented her with me. (Not the birthfather.) Instead, he is someone else for her to know, someone else for her to love. The unconditional love part is important so that she understands what familial love is really about.

[digiwahm]

Hi,

You and I are pretty much in the same boat, so I'm very glad to have come across this forum. I joined yesterday and I, too, am married to a bdad. Bmom called us about 2 months ago with the news that bdaughter had finally made contact. It was a closed adoption, but the afamily was supposed to, according to their (bparents) understanding, tell the bdaughter when she turned 18. She is now 29 and made contact 2 months ago. She had NO idea bdad was still in the picture so she's made some really overwhelming discoveries. Because of that she has pulled back from my hubby some to get to know her bmom first. Understandable, but it is really hard on my hubby because he got to communicate with her via email for 2 weeks before she pulled away. And in the midst of it all, I, becoming selfish I guess, not really sure, began to wonder if it is ME who had caused her to back off. Her bmom is single. And ofcourse her bdad is not. I know that sounds crazy, but seeing my hubby and the utter despair he felt after she pulled away, I started wondering if I were not in the picture would she have done that? And that really is not a fair way to think about it I know. But I was looking for any answer I could as to why she would do that. I know now ofcourse how normal that is (thanks to these forums).

Before yesterday I was of the mindset that this was MY step daughter whom I'd loved since the day I met her bdad. And I wanted her to know that. I never contacted her myself to tell her, instead my hubby, when they were communicating told her about me and how I felt about her. But once she pulled back, like you (meaning your thoughts - not that the situations were completely the same) I wondered just what my role really is. I have Ann to thank for the advice on being a friend to instead of trying to be a "step" mom to my hubby's bdaughter. I only had step mom in mind and friendship never entered my thinking until just yesterday/today - not sure when I got the post.

If you ever have any advice to pass as we all go along on the subject, I would very much appreciate it, especially since it seems that many of our circumstances are the same.

Take care,

DigiWahm in GA

[yllea]

Thanks for all of your input! This is actually a bit divine that I got your response now. We have not heard from the afamily yet, and are getting stressed out. We are totally dependant on the bmom to get us in contact with them, and we dont know if her intentions are innocent at this point. We have now passed on our information, and are just praying and waiting to see what happens. So I can relate to the lack of contact more that you knew! And I too have wondered if it was due to me that she has not passed on the info/contacted us further/made any moves at all. I too have gotten past that, but my husband has so many emotions about what is going on now. With the lack of any contact with the afamily yet, he is frustrated, fearful that they will disappear again.
I really appreciate knowing that there are other families out there with similar situations. It can so quickly feel like you are the only one going through these sort of things!
Thanks again. I hope the best for you and your husband. I would love any advice you come across, and will certainly pass on the same.
Thanks again!

[yllea]

You are so right! This has been much more emotional for him than we initially expected. He is not a very wishywashy kind of guy, and this has been a rollercoaster! Thanks for the heads-up!

[digiwahm]

Hi, again.


We have not made contact with a-family yet either. Bdaughter is 29 and no longer lives with them. She is the one who contacted the state agency about her records and found that her b-mom had been sending letters to her all along over the years that were kept at the agency. My husband was NOT aware that he could do this. (Keep in mind that they were in high school, and although they remained together for another year, they both went off to college. And let's face it, an 18 year old boy would not have had the initiative to contemplate asking if it was possible to do this. Besides they were told that the aparents were going to tell their bdaughter when she turned 18. So he really just didn't have a clue that he could. But I assure you now, had he known, you can bet your bottom dollar he would have. Anyway that is all besides the point I guess.) Getting back on track: Bdaughter got hold of agency, got her records and held on to them for a while before contacting the agency again to have them write to b-mom. That is where we came into the picture and it was 2 months or so ago.

I don't know about you, and I cannot even explain WHY but at the instant we got the phone call, I felt like I'd been hit by a freight train. Our 19 year old daughter was in IL graduating from boot camp (Navy) only a few days after we got that call. B-mom went ahead and told bdaughter about all of us, and the aparents were not aware she had taken this on. (For the record, I cannot sit here and give a holier than thou opinion, but stepping into the aparent's shoes, and b-mom and b-dad also feel this way, it was a bit uncomfortable. No one wanted to make them feel like they were out of the picture and everyone involved does respect them. But she did it this way on her own, as a grown woman, and as much as I would have personally liked to see that they knew she was going to, I'm not in any kind of position to pass judgment. To her defense though, (I'm taking all sides in case you haven't figured that out) her adoption as well as her adopted brother were, instead of being told when they turned 18 were told at a very young age. I'm not knocking their decision to tell them that because I NEVER tried to keep the truth from my own daughter that even though my hubby adopted her when we got married, she still has grandparents out there who love her and I never tried to keep them from her. So, once again I'm not in a position to pass judgment on their decisions. But to be honest I am a bit perturbed that they did so at an early age and then would not let them talk about or ask questions about anything to do with their b-parents. Ok, I got that out of the way - yes I passed judgment there because I think if you are going to tell them something, you should be prepared to let them talk about it too.

Trying to get back on topic again (sorry) - for the first couple of communications, bmom was calling us. (well my hubby - it was actually a few days later when I was forced pretty much to talk to her while my hubby was gone - and let me tell you, I'm now glad I did. She is simply one of the most wonderful women I've had the pleasure of talking to - cannot wait to meet her one day. But as I said she did the contacting, and initially I felt like she was trying to run the show. (before I spoke with her) I mention this because your post (hope I didn't misread it) to my understanding was that you were unsure of her intentions because she's the one who has been making contact. If it helps at all, and I do not know the b-mom situation in your family, but I was totally, utterly, completely wrong by thinking those same thoughts. What I have learned from "our" bmom is that most adoptees seek their moms first because the opinion of society is that most bdads are long gone. Many are in fact, but there are good ones out there who are around still (my husband and bmom always knew at least the state each other lived in, and their parents still lived in the same places, so it was much easier in that respect).

And truth be told, had the bmom wanted to get married back then and run off with their baby, I know in my heart that my hubby would have done it in a New York minute. He may not have been deeply thoughtful, in that it was not until I actually came right out and told him how alone bmom must have been living out of state, in high school, at a Catholic home for unwed mothers (at the adults' insistence) with no one there to hold her, cry with her, and comfort her. Then she was pretty much forced to give up her baby she had in her body (nine months under the heart and a lifetime IN the heart) and go back to her home town trying to pretend everything was fine and dandy. My heart literally broke into a million pieces for her. I felt so guilty about my thoughts that I actually sat down and emailed her. I knew I could not say it over the phone without choking up so I went the "easier way" and emailed. It seems that no one in the world had ever known those feelings of despair - they could not empathize with her, and here I am, never met her face to face, but in the position to actually sit down with my hubby and try to explain to him just what he DID NOT know, even though he thought he knew it all. This set bmom and I on a good footing, and to be honest, I hope to know her and build a terrific friendship for the rest of my life. I simply am awed by her strength.

Gosh, I'm sorry. This is way too long and rambling. I kinda get on a roll and there's no stopping me when I do. sorry about that.

Hoping your evening is wonderful, and I'll try not to make it so long in the future.

DigiWahm in GA

I have learned so much from the little bit of experience and all I have been reading lately. Every little bit of info helps.

[Leigh131313]

I'm responding to this post from a different perspective. I maintain an open adoption with my sons maternal birthfamily. However, his paternal side do not all know about my son...we've only met the birthfather once at the hospital (denied he was the father until that point), and now, 2 years later he has a child with his girlfriend.

So, some day I may find myself on the other side of your equation

I'm also a few other things in the adoption world...my mom is a birthmom, so I have a (bio) half sister that was placed for adoption (I've known her all my life), and my aunt is a birthmom who is reunited with her birthson.

So, I'm trying to think how I would feel if ds' birthfathers significant other contacted me or my child...(wow, thats a long title!! lol) also how I would discuss this with my son.

I guess my first concern would be their attitude towards my son and how they view their role. Some people do not fully understand adoption, especially open adoption. I would need to make sure we were all on the same page. For instance, coming in as a "step-mmom" would not go over well with me. You are not a step mom.

I liked what other posters have said, about being friends and another person who can unconditionally love my son. Honestly, that is why I felt open adoption was important. I could see how my sons birthfamily loved him, and that can ONLY be a good thing in my sons life. You would definitely have to show me that your intentions were pure and loving.....once that was established, I'd love a relationship.

Now. that being said...it would take some time to get to know each other....I have been building a relationship with my sons birthfamily since before he was born, it has grown and flourished because we have all been supportive of one another, respectful and understood our roles. They have never tried to co-parent, and I have never belittled them in my sons life.

I realize that if my child were an adult when this happened, I would be merely a supporting parent for my son in this equation...he would be calling all the shots. However, what I have shared here is the view I have towards his birthfamily and their role in his life....which is also the things he will learn from me as he grows into an adult, so he may have some simillar ideas..........



or not!! lol

[digiwahm]

Hi, Leigh.


I stand corrected on the "step mom" issue. It was not intended as any kind of disrespect or putting myself into a "title" that does not fit. For 20 years almost it's how my hubby has addressed my role, as well as both sides of the bparents families. Sort of like habit I would use that term. I would never contact my hubby's bdaughter on my own. Would not even contemplate it. And have tried to be supportive to all sides of my situation. I am sorry if that term did not sit right with you and meant no kind of disrespect toward anyone.

Take care,

DigiWahm In GA

[Leigh131313]

Oh Gosh Digi,

I certainly was not offended by your post

I just wanted to share my thoughts on the matter.

I didnt get the impression you contacted on your own...i really should have said that differently. I guess what I meant was more how I would feel about a new participant in our open adoption.

You gave me something to think about, because in the future I could be meeting someone in your exact role

[reunionspouse]

Hi Digi and Leigh'

I had to post. I read mostly and post some

I am the wife of a bdad also. We have been reunited with his bson, daughter-in-law and three grandsons for 2 years. In this reunion we have included brothers, sisters the bmom, her spouse and all of the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins on both sides.

He got all of us at one time. We live in fantasy land as I call it because it has been wonderful from the beginning. Even 2 years later the bmom and I have lunch every week. We have only missed our weekly date when one of us has been away.

Bmom + family and Bdad and whole family live in the same town. Bson and family live 3000 miles away.

When they come to see us we split the bills for them to able to come and visit...but we have also made trips to visit. Sometimes all of us...sometimes just one of us...but we always share and are respectful of feelings of everyone.

Bson introduces me as his step-mom, his choice, we do what feels right and speak up if it does not.

This is getting long so I will post as this thread goes along.

The point being, unconditional love, no expectations and accepting that they are adults and needs friends of all kinds and love of all kinds is what works for us.

I am so glad to see other spouses posting.

More later,

Karen

[digiwahm]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

Oh Gosh Digi,

I certainly was not offended by your post

I just wanted to share my thoughts on the matter.

I didnt get the impression you contacted on your own...i really should have said that differently. I guess what I meant was more how I would feel about a new participant in our open adoption.

You gave me something to think about, because in the future I could be meeting someone in your exact role

Hi, Leigh.

I am very relieved to know that I did not offend you. I thought at first it was one of my usual bad moments - open mouth and insert foot. I appreciate your response (s) and wanted to thank you for sharing your perspective as well

Take care,

[digiwahm]

Originally Posted by reunionspouse

Hi Digi and Leigh'

I had to post. I read mostly and post some

I am the wife of a bdad also. We have been reunited with his bson, daughter-in-law and three grandsons for 2 years. In this reunion we have included brothers, sisters the bmom, her spouse and all of the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins on both sides.

He got all of us at one time. We live in fantasy land as I call it because it has been wonderful from the beginning. Even 2 years later the bmom and I have lunch every week. We have only missed our weekly date when one of us has been away.

Bmom + family and Bdad and whole family live in the same town. Bson and family live 3000 miles away.

When they come to see us we split the bills for them to able to come and visit...but we have also made trips to visit. Sometimes all of us...sometimes just one of us...but we always share and are respectful of feelings of everyone.

Bson introduces me as his step-mom, his choice, we do what feels right and speak up if it does not.

This is getting long so I will post as this thread goes along.

The point being, unconditional love, no expectations and accepting that they are adults and needs friends of all kinds and love of all kinds is what works for us.

I am so glad to see other spouses posting.

More later,

Karen

Thanks Karen for your response. It is so great to interact with others who are in the position as I am. And I am so thrilled to hear that your families have banded together. What a blessing indeed!!

God bless,

[sugarbabysmommy]

Like Leigh, I'm coming at this from the perspective of an adoptive mom, also in an open adoption.

First, I wanted to say it's wonderful to see you ladies here, working out for yourselves with this means to you, and how to be supportive.

Our child's bio mother's significant other is pretty much a significant family friend. He loves to play with our child, we enjoy eachother's company as adults, and he is very supportive of bio mom. I am very happy she met someone who could be relaxed and open about our open adoption... we even have visits with the them and our child's bio father and I'm impressed that the guys both are friendly to one another. Bio mom and her partner had been dating a while before he joined us on visits. He's very friendly and out going, but I very much appreciated that he took some time to just get to know us and our child before jumping in and playing with our babe on a more intimate level.

Our child's bio father is also very much part of our open adoption and when he begins to date someone seriously we will be happy to get to know the lucky person.

All the best to each of you. Reunion is quite a journey.

[kune]

ylea and Karen -
You are both inspirational with your wish to be significantly involved with the whole mix of bio and blended family.

Don't you think this thread accentuates that family per se, is an everchanging unit? What starts off as two people committing to each other (include here two lots of in-laws) then changes when the couple commit to a child. Into the mix add cousins, birthparents, aunties, uncles, grandparents. Eventually, girlfriends or boyfriends, spouses or step parent; throw in another set of in-laws and relatives .......and still the family is growing and expanding. It's The Never-Ending Story It's when one thinks that they, the mother and /or father are the sole sum of the child's life that problems start.

My thanks to those that have contributed. I love the inclusiveness of the thread. The acceptance that there is more to be gained by accepting other's roles in a childs or adult family member's life, becuase in doing so we enhance the whole collective family unit.

Ann