[Leigh131313]

I wanted to start a discussion about a topic that I have read on this forum quite a few times. Birthparents who seek out their birthchildren prior to them being "of age" but more specifilly, seek them out on the internet.

Some seek them out and immediately say who they are. Some find them, and talk to them not letting on their true identity. And some use it as a starting point

What are your thoughts on this? I would like to hear from all sides of the triad.

I have to admit that I have VERY strong feelings regarding the matter. I am going to wait for a few replies before I chime in with my 2cents.

[SchmennaLeigh]

In closed adoption situations, I do not approve of firstparents going around the adoptive parents. If the internet does that (Myspace, as your subject, etc), I do not support it. I know that some have been successful and, well, every situation is different and I don't judge those who have done it. BUT I am a strong supporter of respecting the adoptive parents enough to, if you want contact before eighteen, go through them.

That got very mish-moshy.

[timni]

I agree Jenna. No parent wants their children talking to strange adults on the web (not that bparents are strange) but they are stangers still. You should talk to the parents first IMHO

[SchmennaLeigh]

I'm strange.

That's a point I didn't even consider when writing my initial reply. Initially, I was just thinking of respect. But, since I am inundated with NBC programming at work, I get to watch the newest Dateline craze of the awful, awful pedophiles.

As a parent, my child will be monitored on our home computer. I can't really monitor them at school but I will fight for monitoring if necessary. Even if a teen, not yet eighteen, is looking for their firstparents on, say, MySpace, some true jerk of a person could take advantage of that and... gah, can you hear the horror storeis now? I want to vomit.

Just go through the adoptive parents. Not only is it respectful, but it's safer for all involved.

[lilly123]

My 2 cents....

I have heard many things about "my space", have any of you been on it???

WWHHEEWW!!!!!!!!!!

Anyhow, I find it very disturbing that ANY parent wouldn't monitor their children, especially when it comes to this particular site. It actually disturbed me, and I am 33!!!

Not to mention I have a cousin who is a "sex offender/pediphile" who has a site on there!! Gives me the willies just thinking about it!!!

XOXOXOXOXO
Lilly

[Mandy4President]

Popping in from Guat board...

I'm not in the situation exactly, being our baby is from Guatemala, but I don't think that birthparents should look for their children ESPECIALLY over the internet. How much information would a pedifile need to know about this child? That they are adopted & they do not know their birthparents. That's not a lot. Then all of a sudden they are telling the adopted child, "I am your father/mother and want to meet you...don't tell your adoptive parents." Scary. What kid wanting to know their bparents wouldn't do that?

On a side note, I am studying to be a teacher and while doing work in a computer in a school I tried to pull up my homepage which is on a site called piczo. It is not myspace, but similar. I was pleasantly surprised that I could not pull it up, it was blocked by the security on the computer that is there for the students. This was an elementary school.

I hope I'm not imposing on your thread, just wanted to put in my two cents.

[Tigger27]

Yeah, I definitely agree with Jenna that it's best/safer to go through the adoptive parents vs. using myspace/internet.

And yes, I have an account on myspace and it does disturb me to an extent. I'm way picky about who gets to my friend on there lol and I joined mainly because two of my nieces and nephew/family are on there. I kind of watch/monitor what goes on with my nieces/nephew's myspaces sometimes.

Mandy, you're welcome to throw your two cents in here anytime. It's always nice to have others come join in discussions and hear their different perspectives .

Anne

[Mommy24]

I completely agree that if one is seeking out a child (adopted or not) under the age of 18, the parents should be contacted first. Respect is what it boils down to.

[mom2GRLC]

I think while the child is under 18 even in an open adoption all contact should be approved through the parents FIRST.

[merrill1277]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

I wanted to start a discussion about a topic that I have read on this forum quite a few times. Birthparents who seek out their birthchildren prior to them being "of age" but more specifilly, seek them out on the internet.

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

Some seek them out and immediately say who they are. Some find them, and talk to them not letting on their true identity. And some use it as a starting point

What are your thoughts on this? I would like to hear from all sides of the triad.

Are there actual confirmed reports of bparents doing this? I think that unlike in earlier adoptions, bparents of give or take 18 years ago (circa 1988 and later) have a much higher expectation of meeting their bchild and contacting/meeting them sooner (like as soon as they turn 18). (Just something I've observed, being a bparent from a decade earlier than that). What changed to create these expectations earlier bparents didn't have? Were agencies more likely to give them this hope? For those going to MySpace...could some of them have had an open adoption that got closed up on them? We don't necessarily know what's behind these early searches.

My thoughts...they may not (probably don't) realize this, but they're putting any potential future contact/reunion/relationship at risk for a couple of reasons. For one, they may not realize how emotionally loaded contact/reunion situations can be at any age let alone for minors. Two, its definitely better to be in-sync with aparents first about it if at all possible (even if young adult because of emotional immaturity), as it causes too many conflicts for the youth/young adult when the two families aren't 'together' in it... putting the youth in difficult position.

But searching bparents may see contacting aparents first as a risk, because, many(especially of the past but some still today) have been known not to be in favor of or are even opposed to reunion...this may be why some bparents have contacted the youth directly and not gone to afamily first (I'm not saying this is right in the case of a minor - 16, 17 yrs. old or younger) but speaking also of 18 and up. I'm concerned about a bparent who would directly contact a minor via MySpace.

"Dr. G." has written about a possibly ideal situation for a teen (even I think young adult) desiring contact.
http://adoptive-parenting.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/title-89
I like her ideas, but it wouldn't have worked in bson's family situation as they were not favorable towards reunion so he waited and went it alone. I see the good in her suggestions (for those amenable to this), especially as one coming from a situation where torrential 'emotional flooding' (a term she uses) happened for all involved...it was huge and somehow I don't recommend it. I'm in favor of reunion generally but it would have been nice if there were recommendations to help smooth it along. I just did the best I could with what came my way but yeah, it turned my life inside out for a couple of years and still some.

She speaks of a 'titrated process' and 'regulation of affect'. But we're speaking of the "ideal" here...which can be elusive for some of us .

So for aparents (in a closed adoption especially) who had the time to read that, would you rather do something similar to that (before your child leaves the house for college or...), or leave it to your 18 yr. and older child to do their search on their own later? Do you see 'leaving it' as a risk to take or not to take, or vice versa. If you are favorable towards it you have a choice and more measured control over the situation, otherwise it becomes the adult child's choice later (unless they are either not interested or negatively influenced to not seek out information or contact).

I think the young people turning 18 are those adopted during a transitional time before open adoption was widespread and expectations were changing from what they were in the earlier closed adoption 'era'.

[Leigh131313]

Merrill,

I don't have any "confirmed" proof from anyone that I know personally..However, I have heard of at least 2 birthmom's on this site who have gone this route, which is why I am interested in this topic.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Well I just found my sister on Myspace Friday! (Confirmed by her this morning) and Im over the moon... But we are both adults.

As a minor.. I may have looked for her if I knew about her... but I am not her parent either... and that option wasnt available at the time.

I am all for parental monitoring of internet for children... though most of my good friends from 15 forward I met on the computer (dial up bbs's). And I dont consider 17 year olds children...

And if the 17 year old was contacted by his or her bio parent... one would think that they would tell their adoptive parents... if they knew they were open to contact. If not... well then... the secret would be at his or her discretion.

So to seek a child out... yeah I think that should not happen. But once a person already has... and now needs to back track... well I think honesty is the best policy.

I think 17 is pretty well adult... I didnt even live at home at 17 though -- I would balk at parental interference. My situation is not ideal.. or nuclear though.

I think also what needs to be taken into consideration is whether the parents bailed on an agreement or not. If so... then I think that they do not deserve to be the go between... but the person should wait until the child is 18.

Bleh there are just so many factors to consider... I cant say Im for or against in the instance of a 17 years old...

But younger than that... I think that person has to live with his or her parents for too long still to thrust such a secret on him or her.

At least at 17 they are deciding what to do after graduation... and this may be something that weighs in that decision...

Bleh I dont know.

[DreamingAzure]

What a scary thought...Wow...I would HOPE that my 17/18 y.o. teen would come to me if they were approached by someone claiming to be their bparent online and let me help them deal with it.

Personally I think that all contact before their child's 18th birthday should be direct to the adoptive parents and whatever their wishes are should be respected.

This is one of the many things that I have been running through my head as I weight domestic vs. international, open vs. closed vs. semi-open etc.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

What about siblings? Are they held to the same standard? Just wondering... What if it is a minor sibling approaching their minor sibling...??

I personally wouldnt have gotten permission from either set of parents.. whatever their situation is or agreement is... well I had no part in that and that is my sister.

Speaking as a sibling... not talking about my sister in general. I personally share everything with my daughter and do not lie or sugar coat.. so I can see her meeting up with Kristin online... (not that she would have to sneak around...)

I will say, for my sister, she is 23 and she did share with her bio mom.... but not her adoptive parents because apparently it is taboo and they never gave her a straight story.

I think it might all be how your relationship is with your child... -- whether they come to you or not. But at 17 and especially 18 I dont think it is required.. they either are very close to or are adults.

Under that though.. well I can see in certain cases. I agree with going through the parents.. but if they broke an agreement, then they have already proven that they cannot be trusted to be the go between in that relationship. If something like that never happened... well then I agree... the parents need to be involved.

I guess as a person who was once a teen.... I would think that if my -- Ill go with dad in my case -- if my dad knew where I was all along... and then just watched me on myspace until I was 18.. I would feel betrayed... like he let me question for those extra years. I dont think you can tell where a person actually is on myspace... so contact with the child might be the only way to get contact with the parents.

It is the lesser of two evils. I dont think it is black and white. Plus.. most people are on myspace because they WANT to be found by people...

[mom2GRLC]

I don't think it matters wether or not it was supposed to be an open adoption or not. It is just wrong to seek out your birthchild without the permission of the childs parents, until the child is 18. If the parents felt it was important to close the adoption for some reason than really a birthparent just has to wait until the child is 18 or wait until the parent re-opens contact.

As far as other bio-relatives the same goes for them....if they want contact it should go through the parents first and bio-siblings should be taught to respect that.

I personally feel that once the child has graduated high school then....contact can be established.