[merrill1277]

Originally Posted by numbr1dbcksfan

I also have a hard time seeing the bmom as the one insisting it all be secret... seems like it would be the teen who would know the parents enough to make that plea... KWIM?

I agree. I've read a lot over the past few years in many different places regarding search and reunion, and I don't recall any bmom "demanding" a secret relationship, but rather the other way around...the adoptee needs it to be that way. But the fact that it gets turned around where the discussion turns into a hypothetical scenario of a 'bmom demanding a secretive relationship with a minor', I feel, reflects the suspicious attitude towards bparents in general out there. This is not personal to anyone who posted...I'm just thinking in terms of the general attitudes that exist out there. Sorry, but I've had a bad experience and I've seen too many others' bad experiences and I can't help seeing these things.

[merrill1277]

Originally Posted by numbr1dbcksfan

So is the bmom still the bad guy if the teen finds her on myspace? or blog... or whatever..

Probably. You've heard of "no fault". Well there's also "always at fault".

[mom2GRLC]

What I meant about legal action is if the birthparent was reaching out to other areas of the childs life secretly or despite the parents saying no....like by e-mail, phone, visits etc.

[hello&goodbye]

the notion the the b parent is not some stranger off the street is absurd. They do not know you! The b parent must wait until the child is of age, and then they can attempt contact, and if they can find them on "my space" they can find them in a more conventional way. Anyone who takes this path is risking it all to blow up in their face. And the risk is very very real, why would you want to risk that. This is also about disrespect for the a parents who have parented this child, while the child is minor, it is up to them and only them to make these kind of decisions. You can never gauge the maturatiy of a child just from some postings on the internet, this is why there are laws regarding minor children.

[JoEvans]

Hey there Friends,

It's been a few weeks since I have posted anything.

This is an interesting topic. And I would like to throw in my 2 cents.

First of all, I have to agree that a child under 18 years old should be monitored and if reuniting at this age, should go through the adopted parents.

As you all know, I have reunited with my youngest daughter last summer. (She was under 18 at the time.) It was her adopted parents that scheduled the reunion.

Second of all, I LOVE MYSPACE! I have an account and if it wasn't for that website, I probably wouldn't of found my son so easy. The internet has come a long ways. I am forever greatful for the opportunity to have had the internet. For it helped me keep in contact via email, with my oldest daughter when she was over seas. And most recently,finding my son.
To this day, connecting on the internet seems to be the way to go.

[BrandyHagz]

Please remember to be respectful in your responses to others. Opinions on this topic will vary widely...each is entitled to their own opinion, which means you may or may not agree with what someone else says.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Well, there is risk no matter which way you take... Im not sure what is more conventional.. Internet seems the most conventional and the surest way to find someone these days.

I would say that the risk is less because with a letter.. you never know if they got it.. with a myspace message you physically see that it was read... with a phone call that could be too personal too soon...email seems to be the most benign way for all involved.. plus you are finding them by way of information they put out there, not digging for it. So really it seems the most honest way, too.

There is risk no matter what.

[NJNative]

I would be pretty angry if my son's birthparents attempted to contact him through MySpace, or through any other means without me knowing about it. He's 15 years old and in closed adoption, with a history of neglect and abandonment. Any reunion attempts need to come through me until he's an adult.

[merrill1277]

Originally Posted by hello&goodbye

the notion the the b parent is not some stranger off the street is absurd. They do not know you!

First, I wasn't talking about the adopted person "knowing" her in the way we normally speak of knowing someone...obviously they don't know each other that way in a closed adoptionand this wasn't usually a personal choice but how the law was set up; and secondly, I was mainly speaking of adults here not minors. If you read my posts you would have known that I wasn't condoning bparents contacting minors.

What I meant in my post by saying a bmother wasn't any strange person off the street was that unlike any stranger off the street she is someone who has a history and connection with that child (regardless of age) even if only through pregnancy and birth---these aren't meaningless and erasable; that she is someone who cares about that child very deeply, and that she is someone who has the child's best interest at heart. (Will qualify that I'm not talking about those unable to care or know what's appropriate, for example those who are mentally ill, emotionally unstable, on drugs or otherwise not in their right mind.)

But you think the bmother is no different than any stranger off the street---that may be to you, but not to her. I think my birth son would have been pretty distraught if he was treated like a stranger when he found me, but he wasn't. He was very much welcomed and accepted simply because of who he was to me. And why would he even want to find me if I were nothing more than "any stranger off the street"...the history is not erasable.

But to frequently post this idea (in various words) on a BIRTHPARENTS forum is not kind to the people who suffered estrangement from their own children for decades and know full-well already the EFFECTS of it.

[hello&goodbye]

What I was meaning is that what if the b parent had some mental or emotional problems, and the child and parents were not aware of. Think that is too far fetched? Well not realy, it does happen. So they are in fact a stranger. Bottom line, the b parent must respect the boundries of the parents and the law.

[merrill1277]

Originally Posted by hello&goodbye

What I was meaning is that what if the b parent had some mental or emotional problems, and the child and parents were not aware of. Think that is too far fetched? Well not realy, it does happen. So they are in fact a stranger. Bottom line, the b parent must respect the boundries of the parents and the law.

Well, I wonder what the actual percentage of emotionally disturbed birthparents who break all boundaries and 'the law' and stalk their minor children is, or the percentage of those who actually contact the minors "demanding a relationship"---the 'outlaw criminal' type many seem to fear and guard against. I really wonder what that percentage would look like. BTW, no segment of society, including in adoption, is immune to mental or emotional problems---that includes adoptive parents and adoptees.

[Leigh131313]

"But to frequently post this idea (in various words) on a BIRTHPARENTS forum is not kind to the people who suffered estrangement from their own children for decades and know full-well already the EFFECTS of it. "

Merril,

I wanted to address this comment. This forum's goal is to promote communication between birthparents and adoptive parents. No part of this forum is for only one side of the triad.

[merrill1277]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

I wanted to address this comment. This forum's goal is to promote communication between birthparents and adoptive parents. No part of this forum is for only one side of the triad.

I know this particular forum is for communication between birth and adoptive parents, but it still comes under the general heading of Birthparents, on the forums page...and I was alluding to comments made not only this forum but other Birthparent forums. There are other areas of the forums I stay away from or seldom visit, for a reason. So far I haven't done that here but am thinking about it.

[Leigh131313]

Merrill,

I think that you leaving would defeat the whole purpose of this forum. Hearing stories, learning what hurts others...thats what this is all about.

Just my thoughts

[WLD]

(QUOTE)Well, I wonder what the actual percentage of emotionally disturbed birthparents who break all boundaries and 'the law' and stalk their minor children is, or the percentage of those who actually contact the minors "demanding a relationship"---the 'outlaw criminal' type many seem to fear and guard against. I really wonder what that percentage would look like. BTW, no segment of society, including in adoption, is immune to mental or emotional problems---that includes adoptive parents and adoptees. (QUOTE)

I can't say what the percentage is but i do know any percentage is too much for my comfort. My ason was approached at his babysitters house before i adopted him by his bfamily that just coincidentally happen to be doing contracted work on the home, they saw him at age 3 and said to him "hey come here, did you know that i am your *****?" Needless to say the baby sitter intervened and got the confused little boy away. That said, i could see the possiblilty of an overzealous parent seeing that a minor could be their child and contacting him via internet, not out of intentional harm, but could still do harm. We've all been overzealous and spontaneous and that's not always a good thing.