[Angel91973]

Hi everyone,
I am new to this site, prompted by events in my life lately to find someplace to "vent" and get other opinions.

In brief, I gave up bdaughter nearly 12 years ago.
I waited to make the decision of placing her until I was nearly 6 months along because I wanted to be absolutely sure of my decision. I did not want to put someone else through the hope of adopting and then change my mind at the last minute. So after making sure of my decision, I began the process of looking for aparents.
I was able to choose the parents myself from a list of prospective aparents through an attorney. Personally, I would have chosen an open adoption had the option been available to me, but alas, in my state at the time, it was not. From the moment I read their introduction letter, I knew these were the parents I wanted to place my daughter with. I never second-guessed that decision. I encouraged the amom in particular to be as much a part of the remaining pregnancy and birth as possible to make the transition easier on the baby, and hopefully to share as much of the pregnancy with the amom as possible since she was unable to experience that firsthand.

Anyway, she declined, having been through it once and the other bmom didn't go through with it, she didn't want to put herself through that again, despite my assurances that I would not change my mind.

Per the attorney, aparents were only required to send pics/updates for 5 years. I asked if they would be willing to send them indefinitely for my peace of mind. I wanted to know she was doing well, see how she was growing, be "assured" that she was happy and healthy. Once a year, every other year at least. Aparents said they couldn't guarantee it at the time, but "if there were no problems, they would likely do that for me". I understood they didn't know me, and with nightmare stories about bmoms coming back to claim the child etc., I understood their hesitation, but assumed once time went by and they realized I was an honest person and had no intention of ever disrupting their lives, that they would have no issues sending me pics.

Fast forward, after year 5, they quit sending pics. At year 8, they sent some more, then nothing until now (nearly year 12).

Amom calls my bmom (her # has always been the same, whereas mine was more unstable) and updates her, my mom gives her my phone #, my email address and amom hints at maybe calling me, but doesn't. She does tell my mom that she feels comfortable talking to her, but that I scare her! ??? Then sends pics to my mom's email. I have to be updated from my mom fwding it to me.

I am confused as to this woman's behavior. I've done nothing, absolutely nothing to make her fearful in any way, shape or form. I am at the same time angry that she feels, even after 12 years, that I somehow pose a threat to her. And I am more hurt than anything. Why does she feel like she cannot contact me? She has stated in early letters that I "gave her the greatest gift she could ever have imagined" and yet, updating me or sending pics, or contacting me is somehow asking too much, or more than she can give in return?

My mother forwarded the pics, being sure to delete the email address, so that I couldn't even attempt to contact the amom via email to re-assure her that I am not trying to find them or take the bdaughter back or anything of the sort, and she also re-iterated that to the amom while on the phone with her.

At this point, I am somewhat frustrated with my mother for withholding the email address (amom did NOT request that, something my mom just felt the right thing to do.) even though I understand her reasoning (doesn't want to spook amom more). But, what started out for me as feeling that I had done such a good thing for both bdaughter, and amom, now feels very sour to me.

Bdaughter btw, is aware of us and has been told truth from birth.

I just don't understand. I tried to make everything as easy as possible on aparents, didn't make them pay for it (was covered under my insurance), I didn't ask them for money for maternity clothing, I didn't ask them to pay for counseling, all because I knew the expenses they must already be incurring, and just the kind of person I am, wanted to make it as easy on them as possible, and for everyone for that matter.

Is this amom's fears normal? Is there anything I can do at this point that I haven't already done to make her fears lessen? I'm to the point now where I'm almost ready to just give up, except that I desperately do not want to alienate my bdaughter. I feel she will want to meet me and my/her family someday and I don't want to do anything to "rock the boat", but I feel betrayed.

I guess, more than anything, I wish the amom understood that I too have fears and feelings. I fear something happening to them, and then what would happen to bdaughter, I get my hopes up every year around time of bdaughter's birthday that I will be getting pics/updates, only to have those hopes crushed most years when nothing arrives... I really, really want the pics and updates, and am so thankful whenever they do send them, but I almost think it would be easier on me if I knew either no, I definitely would not get them, or yes, I definitely would. The ups and downs of hoping, and being disappointed year after year, are devastating, and like re-opening the would every time.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Can you ask your Mom to forward an updated picture of you and a brief email stating that, no, you aren't a threat? I would be polite in the email, of course, as it sounds as though this particular Mom as security issues in her role as the child's Mom. Make comments as to how happy the child looks in recent pictures and encourage her that contacting you directly will have no adverse effect on her relationship with the child. State some things that you've done with your life in the past years and show her that there is nothing to be afraid of. I would encourage you not to come off as confrontational because that does no good for either side.

*hugs* I'm sorry that this has become such an emotional hassle for you. Your feelings (anger, hurt) are all valid and real. I encourage you to journal them so that, someday, your daughter may be able to read how her Mom's actions hurt you when all you wanted to do was make sure that she (the daughter) was loved and cared for.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

[mom2justynsarah]

Originally Posted by Angel91973

Hi everyone,
I am new to this site, prompted by events in my life lately to find someplace to "vent" and get other opinions.

In brief, I gave up bdaughter nearly 12 years ago.
I waited to make the decision of placing her until I was nearly 6 months along because I wanted to be absolutely sure of my decision. I did not want to put someone else through the hope of adopting and then change my mind at the last minute. So after making sure of my decision, I began the process of looking for aparents.
I was able to choose the parents myself from a list of prospective aparents through an attorney. Personally, I would have chosen an open adoption had the option been available to me, but alas, in my state at the time, it was not. From the moment I read their introduction letter, I knew these were the parents I wanted to place my daughter with. I never second-guessed that decision. I encouraged the amom in particular to be as much a part of the remaining pregnancy and birth as possible to make the transition easier on the baby, and hopefully to share as much of the pregnancy with the amom as possible since she was unable to experience that firsthand.

Per the attorney, aparents were only required to send pics/updates for 5 years. I asked if they would be willing to send them indefinitely for my peace of mind. I wanted to know she was doing well, see how she was growing, be "assured" that she was happy and healthy. Once a year, every other year at least. Aparents said they couldn't guarantee it at the time, but "if there were no problems, they would likely do that for me". I understood they didn't know me, and with nightmare stories about bmoms coming back to claim the child etc., I understood their hesitation, but assumed once time went by and they realized I was an honest person and had no intention of ever disrupting their lives, that they would have no issues sending me pics.

Fast forward, after year 5, they quit sending pics. At year 8, they sent some more, then nothing until now (nearly year 12).

Amom calls my bmom (her # has always been the same, whereas mine was more unstable) and updates her, my mom gives her my phone #, my email address and amom hints at maybe calling me, but doesn't. She does tell my mom that she feels comfortable talking to her, but that I scare her! ??? Then sends pics to my mom's email. I have to be updated from my mom fwding it to me.

I am confused as to this woman's behavior. I've done nothing, absolutely nothing to make her fearful in any way, shape or form. I am at the same time angry that she feels, even after 12 years, that I somehow pose a threat to her. And I am more hurt than anything. Why does she feel like she cannot contact me? She has stated in early letters that I "gave her the greatest gift she could ever have imagined" and yet, updating me or sending pics, or contacting me is somehow asking too much, or more than she can give in return?

My mother forwarded the pics, being sure to delete the email address, so that I couldn't even attempt to contact the amom via email to re-assure her that I am not trying to find them or take the bdaughter back or anything of the sort, and she also re-iterated that to the amom while on the phone with her.

At this point, I am somewhat frustrated with my mother for withholding the email address (amom did NOT request that, something my mom just felt the right thing to do.) even though I understand her reasoning (doesn't want to spook amom more). But, what started out for me as feeling that I had done such a good thing for both bdaughter, and amom, now feels very sour to me.

Bdaughter btw, is aware of us and has been told truth from birth.

I just don't understand. I tried to make everything as easy as possible on aparents, didn't make them pay for it (was covered under my insurance), I didn't ask them for money for maternity clothing, I didn't ask them to pay for counseling, all because I knew the expenses they must already be incurring, and just the kind of person I am, wanted to make it as easy on them as possible, and for everyone for that matter.

Is this amom's fears normal? Is there anything I can do at this point that I haven't already done to make her fears lessen? I'm to the point now where I'm almost ready to just give up, except that I desperately do not want to alienate my bdaughter. I feel she will want to meet me and my/her family someday and I don't want to do anything to "rock the boat", but I feel betrayed.

I guess, more than anything, I wish the amom understood that I too have fears and feelings. I fear something happening to them, and then what would happen to bdaughter, I get my hopes up every year around time of bdaughter's birthday that I will be getting pics/updates, only to have those hopes crushed most years when nothing arrives... I really, really want the pics and updates, and am so thankful whenever they do send them, but I almost think it would be easier on me if I knew either no, I definitely would not get them, or yes, I definitely would. The ups and downs of hoping, and being disappointed year after year, are devastating, and like re-opening the would every time.

I guess the real issue is to find out why you scare the amom?? It would seem odd that after 12 years, she is scared of you. What led her to feel this way?

I am amom in an open adoption. I do NOT fear my daughter's bmom in any way, shape or form. As a matter of fact, I care deeply about her. I love her.

I am 100% comfortable & confident in the fact that her best interests are for Sarah. I understand completely and respect why she chose an adoption plan for her unborn baby.

She in turn feels 100% comfortable & confident that she made the right decision. She has told me over and over again how relieved and happy she is that Sarah is growing up with us.

I won't say that everything has been the picture of perfect happiness. We have had our ups and downs this past year (my daughter is almost 18 months). But we have managed to communicate& smooth things over. In the end, it comes down to the two of us who are committed to health & happiness of our daughter.

[MamaS]

As an adoptive mother, I can understand some of her feelings. First, because no matter how many years she has raised a child, she is not seen as the real mother by much of society. And if we are not "real" then what are we -- Fakes?
Second, you say your daughter is aware of her adoption and of the circumstances. She is 12 now -- entering teenagehood. Maybe she is asking questions about her "real" mother? My daughters wanted all the imformation they could get about their birth parents, circumstances, etc. (I knew very little because they were adopted internationally.) My oldest daughter named her firstborn child after her birthmother, who abandoned her in a bakery and of whom she has no memories.
My point is, you may not be the source of her fears. The suggestion that you send information about your life now is a good one. While you have had some updates, their memories of you are twelve years old. And don't be surprised in your daughter contacts you herself in a few years. Just hang on!

[Angel91973]

Originally Posted by mom2justynsarah

I guess the real issue is to find out why you scare the amom?? It would seem odd that after 12 years, she is scared of you. What led her to feel this way?

I don't know why I scare her! And I don't know what led her to feel this way. I just feel completely helpless. I think the person who first responded was accurate in saying she sounds insecure... I think the amom has always been very insecure, I just really thought that the passing of time would be the antedote for that.

It started with her not wanting to be any part of the remaining pregnancy, she was just too fearful that it would fall through, etc. She was definitely a basket of nerves when I met her, and at the hospital, although we spent several hours taking photos of my daughter, pics of daughter with aparents, pics of daughter with me and my two older daughters.

I have responded with a couple letters in the initial 5 year period when the attorney would forward them to the aparents, and sent updated photos of myself and my two older daughters, and every time re-iterated how I felt they were the perfect choice and was as happy as I could be with my decision. I have stressed that I could never do anything to them or do daughter to make things difficult, because I couldn't. It doesn't seem to make a difference with her. And I just don't get it. I hear all these wonderful stories of bmoms and amoms who develop a friendship and it sounds so wonderful, and I would love that. But I would settle for her even feeling comfortable enough to send me updates directly and allow us to develop an email/or snail mail relationship. I see nothing but good from that kind of arrangement.

I don't know what more I can do, short of seeing if my mom will forward an email to her and stress again my desire for contact with her and updates.

Note that I am NOT asking for contact with the daughter directly, though I would welcome that most definitely. But I definitely do not want to spook this woman any more than she already is, so I have never asked for that.

My biggest guilt in all of this is feeling that I've deprived my older daughters and this youngest daughter of each other as siblings. I would just like for her to be able to receive pics of them also - I know from what amom has said that the daughter would like this also.

[SingleMama2B]

I wish I could give you the exact answer, but I can't. I am an aparent myself (through international adoption, of only 17 months!), but from all of the information you posted, I would imagine that it may be you bdaughter that may be some of the source of fears that the amom has! I may be off base here, but with her being 12 (and always knowing) and puberty hitting, she may be having disagreements (natural of course for age) with amom, and kids are always very inquizative, that she may have said things along the way. My adaughter 9who was 8.3 years old when she came home, constantly talks about her bparents. Now, I have the written truth of her life, but her version is strickly 'peaches and cream' for the most part. She has now admitted that "this is HOW I WANTED it to be!" even though it wasn't.

I (just my opinion) would try once again, to assure the amom that you are not a threat, and see if that helps the communication. Talk to your Mom again.... maybe she can find out exactly WHY amom has these feelings. Has she assured her that you are NOT a threat to her family???

From you post, I feel your pain, and I am sooooo sorry! From what you said, you have been very upfront, honest, and done everything that you said you would. This may simply be 'her' insecurities!!!

I hope that the coming months/years can be more peaceful for you....

Blessings...............

[BrandyHagz]

Angel, you scare her because you gave birth to her daughter and she’s never taken any time to get to know you. A lot of people are ‘scared’ of the unknown.

Whoever suggested that you ask your mom to send an email had a good idea….sadly, your mom has agreed to participate in a relationship that should be between you and your childs adoptive family. She has elected to put herself in an awkward position acting as the middle man for your daughters adoptive parents…so don’t hesitate to ask her to do the same for you…

I always hate reading stories where adoptive families are cultivating relationships with extended members of the birth family while leaving the birth parents seemingly out in the cold…(for the record, I’m not talking about foster care situations here, lets please not debate the difference between your semi-closed foster situation with dangerous birthparents and the above situation!)…A lot of times, these type of relationships cause an amazing amount of strain on birth families, because the birth parents typically feel ‘let down’ by their families, who see nothing wrong with cultivating a relationship with the adoptive families.

I’m a staunch believer in the birth family and adoptive family relationship strictly being between the parents involved, unless everyone agrees otherwise. (I’ll get flak for this I’m sure).

Early on in the relationship between my daughters amom and myself, I made it clear to her that I would NOT appreciate her seeking out a relationship with members of my extended family. Adoptive parents get a glimpse into our lives…they have no idea what the dynamics of our interpersonal relationships are between our family members most of the time.

You do need to try to resolve this with the amom - sadly, its her insecurities as an adoptive mom that are at issue here most likely and not something you’ve done. All you can do is write her a letter stating that you’re secure in your decision, you’re not looking to replace her and that you know your roll in the relationship…if that doesn’t work, ask her to come here. She needs to understand that most birthparents aren’t the knife wielding drug addicted prostitutes on the verge of committing a child abduction - as seen on TV (or more specifically, Lifetime TV).

As for your mom, she may be doing more damage than she knows. The human psyche is 8 times more likely to remember a bad experience than it is to remember a good. By default alone, she could be painting a bad picture of you by simply sharing your not-so-proudest moments. You might want to sit down and talk with mom and tell her that you’re happy she has a relationship with your daughter and her family - but that if she is going to, she needs to make it about them and leave you out of it. Ask her to tell the adoptive parents that they need to get their answers ABOUT you FROM you…that might go a long way in cultivating a relationship.

Alright, I’ll shut up now

[Angel91973]

Originally Posted by SingleMama2B

I would imagine that it may be you bdaughter that may be some of the source of fears that the amom has! I may be off base here, but with her being 12 (and always knowing) and puberty hitting, she may be having disagreements (natural of course for age) with amom, and kids are always very inquizative, that she may have said things along the way.
I (just my opinion) would try once again, to assure the amom that you are not a threat, and see if that helps the communication. Talk to your Mom again.... maybe she can find out exactly WHY amom has these feelings. Has she assured her that you are NOT a threat to her family???

*sigh* Yes, I imagine bdaughter could be the source, at least in part. Amom mention to my mother on the phone that bdaughter had been very depressed around Dec and was asking "why didn't they want me?" Ever since I heard that, my heart has just been breaking in a billion pieces... I just would so desperately like to be able to relay to her that she was absolutely wanted - I just was not emotionally capable of taking on that responsibility at the time. I had 2 daughters already and was only 20 and my marriage was very unstable at the time, and I didn't feel I could bring her into that kind of environment.

Anyway, yes my mother has assured her as well that I am no threat to her and even went on to say that if she were somehow wrong, that she (my mother) would not be on my side.

The thing that bothers me about having to go through my mother, is that her and I have had issues (what mom/daughter doesn't) mostly with boundaries and such, and cutting the apron strings was very hard to begin with (my mother is very controlling). Now I feel like a child all over again, having to rely on her to take care of a "problem" for me. I hate that. Though I know that is my issue alone on that aspect of it all.

[Angel91973]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

Angel, you scare her because you gave birth to her daughter and she’s never taken any time to get to know you. A lot of people are ‘scared’ of the unknown.


I always hate reading stories where adoptive families are cultivating relationships with extended members of the birth family while leaving the birth parents seemingly out in the cold…(for the record, I’m not talking about foster care situations here, lets please not debate the difference between your semi-closed foster situation with dangerous birthparents and the above situation!)…A lot of times, these type of relationships cause an amazing amount of strain on birth families, because the birth parents typically feel ‘let down’ by their families, who see nothing wrong with cultivating a relationship with the adoptive families.

I’m a staunch believer in the birth family and adoptive family relationship strictly being between the parents involved, unless everyone agrees otherwise. (I’ll get flak for this I’m sure).
Adoptive parents get a glimpse into our lives…they have no idea what the dynamics of our interpersonal relationships are between our family members most of the time.


As for your mom, she may be doing more damage than she knows. The human psyche is 8 times more likely to remember a bad experience than it is to remember a good. By default alone, she could be painting a bad picture of you by simply sharing your not-so-proudest moments. You might want to sit down and talk with mom and tell her that you’re happy she has a relationship with your daughter and her family - but that if she is going to, she needs to make it about them and leave you out of it. Ask her to tell the adoptive parents that they need to get their answers ABOUT you FROM you…that might go a long way in cultivating a relationship.

Alright, I’ll shut up now

Brandy,
Your post struck a particular chord with me. I've actually never gone to counseling or even talked about any of this with anyone, other than somewhat with my mom, and actually didn't tell her some of my feelings that concerned her specifically (she doesn't take any kind of criticism well at all)
But a couple times, during the 5 year period, the aparents sent separate updates to my mom, and I remember at the time feeling an unpleasant feeling that I couldn't quite place my finger on. Sort of like, there was so much I gave up in that area, that shouldn't it be a small thing for me to be able to share that with someone else? I had kinda the same feeling here with this latest scenario when amom emailed the pics to my mom - she fwd'd it to me, and also to my dad (they are divorced). I guess I just felt she had kinda taken something from me that was mine to share. It sounds petty, but I would like to have been the one to share the pics with my dad, ya know?
And it was the same when the aparents sent separate pics to my mom. It was like they had taken something from me that was mine to share, when I have so little in this whole thing as it is. I never shared that, because at the same time I had those feelings, I felt like I was being petty.

But anyway, as for your post about the dynamics of my own family, yes, the aparents don't know about it, I'm sure. My mom and I had always had a good relationship until the past several years (issues concerning my oldest daughter) where she just oversteps her boundaries and it has caused a definite strain. And this has just kinda added to it, unfortunately.

[Angel91973]

Originally Posted by Angel91973

I had kinda the same feeling here with this latest scenario when amom emailed the pics to my mom - she fwd'd it to me, and also to my dad (they are divorced). I guess I just felt she had kinda taken something from me that was mine to share. It sounds petty, but I would like to have been the one to share the pics with my dad, ya know?

Just wanted to clarify that it was MY mother who fwd'd the pics to my dad (and me). Amom has only been in contact with my mom, no one else.

[Angel91973]

Just wanted to thank all of you for your suggestions and comments and well-wishes. I probably should have talked with someone loooong before now, but mostly, the whole process didn't bother me, it has just been since the 5 year period was up, that I started feeling badly about the ordeal.
Anyway, I will try again to write a letter, and ask my mom to get it to the amom, and hope for the best. I just wanted to vent a little and hopefully get some of the bad/negative feelings out before doing so. I don't want to have any negativity come through in the letter I send to amom, so I will wait a bit until I get it somewhat off my chest.

[mom2justynsarah]

Originally Posted by Angel91973

*sigh* Yes, I imagine bdaughter could be the source, at least in part. Amom mention to my mother on the phone that bdaughter had been very depressed around Dec and was asking "why didn't they want me?" Ever since I heard that, my heart has just been breaking in a billion pieces... I just would so desperately like to be able to relay to her that she was absolutely wanted - I just was not emotionally capable of taking on that responsibility at the time. I had 2 daughters already and was only 20 and my marriage was very unstable at the time, and I didn't feel I could bring her into that kind of environment.

Anyway, yes my mother has assured her as well that I am no threat to her and even went on to say that if she were somehow wrong, that she (my mother) would not be on my side.

The thing that bothers me about having to go through my mother, is that her and I have had issues (what mom/daughter doesn't) mostly with boundaries and such, and cutting the apron strings was very hard to begin with (my mother is very controlling). Now I feel like a child all over again, having to rely on her to take care of a "problem" for me. I hate that. Though I know that is my issue alone on that aspect of it all.

I don't get it. Do you mean your mom has been the sole contact with the amom all these years?? What in heavens name is that all about?? No wonder this amom is scared of you. Why hasn't your mom insisted that YOU be the sole contact?

As an amom, if I went through Dee's mom, I would DEFINETLY be wary of her. What is it about Dee that everything goes through her mom. Is she unstable? Is she going to do something to me? Is she going to try to get her baby back? Do you see what I mean?

Did Dee give birth? Or did her mother? Who is the bmom here? Who should speak for herself? I think the only time I have ever spoken to "L" (Dee's mom) is when she answered her phone once. She said "Hi, hold on." "I will get Dee for you."

How in the world has this amom gotten to know YOU? At this point, I would highly recommend YOU take over. Remind your mom that you are an adult. YOU are the bmom. This is YOUR daughter. YOU want/need to speak with the amom.

In addition, I would write a letter to your daughter.
By your mom "handling" your problem, she has turned YOU into the problem. In this letter, I would pour my heart out to her. In this way, she will at least have a grasp on her reality.

Keep us posted. Best of luck!

Julie

[BrandyHagz]

I agree with Julie here.

You really need to get some courage (It's hard, I know!) and confront your mom (maybe confront isn't the right word) and just tell her that this is YOUR relationship and if she wants to have a relationship that doesn't include the passing of information about you - fine (I mean, it'd be hard to stop it now, but you can change the dynamics of it a bit) but that she needs to let you be the ruler of your relationship...and it doesn't sound like she is doing that.

This is like a MIL running a marriage! It makes everyone uncomfortable, creates issues and in the end, usually disolves the relationship between husband and wife.

It's never good to let someone else be in the drivers seat of your relationship...hop in and tell her to move over or get out of the car!

[BrandyHagz]

Oh and Angel, come back...keep coming back - write the letter, ask for feedback here - and keep coming back. You need some support!

This is a GREAT group of ladies - bmom's, amoms and adoptees alike (and a great group of fellas too!) - you'll be ok...

[Leigh131313]

I actually have a bit of a different view of this.

I think it has nothing to do with your birthdaughter at all. I think this has everything to do with an adoptive family that did not want a very open adoption. They said they weren't sure if they would want to send pics after the initial 5 years. They said they might, they'd see...Well..I guess they decided that they didnt want to.

It sounds to me like they were very upfront that they were not comfortable with this being an ongoing relationship.

I'm not saying this to be mean....or to say that your pain is not justified....only to draw attention to the specifics that you stated in your post. You assumed they would come around and decide to continue....that was a dangerous assumption.

It does get strange that they involve your mom.....how did that even start?

I do agree that asking your mom to forward something would probably be the next move on your part.

I'm really sorry that you have found yourself in this situation. It must be terribly painful.