[SchmennaLeigh]

Why does adoption have to be a big secret? Why does it have to have a negative connotation? Why can't we just see it as extending our family?! I will never feel like I am losing a child, but that I am gaining a whole new family. That is the joy of open adoption.

It's great that you find peace. But I'm uncertain; have you placed yet or are you pregnant and considering adoption for your child? You said "this child will live several states away," which is a future tense sentence so I'm just a bit confused.

As for your questions: adoption is sometimes a secret from others because of the stigma placed on firstparents, adoptive parents, adoptees and adoption in general. There is a loss, whether you want to acknowledge it or not, for all members of the triad.

There is joy in open adoption. But there is also loss. It's a bittersweet world we live in.

[littlebitty]

Sorry.. I'm pretty new to the whole world of adoption... including the lingo.
I am actually an expectant mom (Emom? heh).
I know that it will be tough. I'm not expecting to not experience grief and loss. Fortunately, I am blessed to have an amazing support network of family and friends.
But I do feel at peace.
I think that if God had intended this child to live in my home, with me as his mother, this pregnancy would have come at a different time.
I also think that had me and my husband been together, or had I been financially stable, I might have been blind to God's true intentions for this child.
I don't know you, don't know if you're a religous person, but please don't let my talk of God turn you off.
I have made some very, very bad decisions. My choices and circumstances led me to the place where I am now. I went through a very deep depression, a very black time... then I found out I was pregnant.
I was angry, depressed, upset... then, suddenly, the clouds cleared and I saw light for the first time in a long time. God sent me this child to wake me up, to remember who I am... and, more importantly, to answer the prayers of a couple who has been praying for THIS child for years.
So, yes, I do feel complete peace. Again, I don't expect to coast through emotionally, but I do know the path I've gone down is the right one.

Peace be with you.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Be sure to explore the possibility that perhaps God lovingly entrusted you with his child because he has faith in your abilities... and not because he was using you as a vessel to answer someone else's prayers out there....

[littlebitty]

But what joy to be able to be an answer to someone's prayer. I cannot think of a more beautiful gift to give. I relive the feeling of having my child every day with my 2 year old daughter. To be able to give that feeling to someone else... woah. I think it rocks. I know He has faith in my abilities. I know that I could raise this child. I have no doubt in myself.
I am still trying to remain objective to the thought that this child could be "mine." But all other signs point to this couple. And to me, right now, it all just makes perfect sense, and I can't see that changing.
I may sound crazy. But I feel great.

[mom2GRLC]

littlebitty

I think that is awesome!!! I do believe that God will lead you to do what he feels is best and he will let you know by speaking peace and comfort to your mind either way. It won't always be easy either way you go. But trust those feelings inside you and God and will carry you through the hard times. Sounds like he has already given you your answer. What you are planning to give this pacouple is such a blessing. An answer to COUNTLESS prayers and likely years of waiting and hoping. What a wonderful gift to give to your child. The blessing of a family, where this child will be blessed beyond measure not only by you but also his/her pafamily as well.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Hrm. My child wasn't a gift to give. I'm not that giving. Instead, a family was a gift I gave my child.

[littlebitty]

Ah, yes. It works either way you look at it: giving the family a gift of a child, and giving the child a gift of a family. This child would have a family either way... but I pray that having a mommy AND a daddy will make the difference in his life. Praise God. It's alll good.

Peace be with you.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

Hrm. My child wasn't a gift to give. I'm not that giving. Instead, a family was a gift I gave my child.

You know this has got to be my absolute #1 pet peeve. This may sound rude but honestly I could have cared less of an "infertile couple's hopes and dreams" when it came to giving my child the best life I could. So no, I believe I gave my son the gift of parents, not the parents a gift.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Bleh.

Im not sure gift is appropriate in either case.

By the OP logic, neither is the gift. The baby is the gift from God.

Using further God logic, one would assume that if God, all powerful, wanted to give the gift of a child to someone, then his aim would pretty much be on target. So if the baby were a gift to someone else.. He probably would have given him or her to that particular person. But he didnt.

SO... once the baby is here... the person, having the gift of freewill, can choose to accept or deny the gift that he has given.

If anything... the baby is a re-gift by this logic.

And Im sure we all agree that the baby is not a re-gift.

And the family is not any kind of a gift as they are simply looking to fulfill their desire to be parents... so they are looking for the people who are denying the gift that God gave them in hopes of being the recipiant of the regift... as chosen by the original recipiant and having no affiliation with God whatsoever.

SO..

God=Gift Giver
E-parents=recipiant & possible regifter.
A-parents=recipiant of re-gift. Not the person originally intended to have the gift.

Please note: this is not my view (as you all know...) it is just the logic layed out here.

Hopefully now, no one thinks that anyone is a gift.

[mom2justynsarah]

Originally Posted by taramayrn

You know this has got to be my absolute #1 pet peeve. This may sound rude but honestly I could have cared less of an "infertile couple's hopes and dreams" when it came to giving my child the best life I could. So no, I believe I gave my son the gift of parents, not the parents a gift.

Out of curiosity, I checked with dictionary.com on the definition of the word gift. Here is is:

1. Something that is bestowed voluntarily and without compensation.
2. The act, right, or power of giving
3. A talent, endowment, aptitude, or inclination.

I am sorry that this is your #1 pet peeve. From an amom's point of view, the word "gift" is not being used in a derogatory manner.

Amom's are INFINETELY grateful for bmoms. You are the reason why we are parents. When you were pregnant, you had the power to decide what was best for your baby. You chose to give your baby a loving stable home. In turn, you gave aparents the gift of parenthood.

Your child is a miracle to us. You provided your child with the gift of life. Then you bestowed your child with a loving stable home. You also bestowed aparents with the greatest gift in the world. It's the gift OF being a mother & a father. Do you know how amazing that is??? I am utterly amazed, grateful & in awe.

Hugs,
Julie

[Mommy24]

Just wanted to give my birthmom opinion FWIW....I also cringe at the thought that my birthson was a "gift" to his parents. Yes they may see it that way but I just cant wrap my head around the thought of me placing my child as a "gift". I guess it has something to do with the fact that when I think of the word "gift" I think of giving something freely because I wanted to not because I was in crisis and felt I had no other choice?!? Just my 2 cents

[SchmennaLeigh]

My Son wasn't something to give. Plain and simple. My pet peeve is the word "give." I don't know. *shrugs*

[Lucy_Mom]

Originally Posted by littlebitty

But what joy to be able to be an answer to someone's prayer. I cannot think of a more beautiful gift to give. I relive the feeling of having my child every day with my 2 year old daughter. To be able to give that feeling to someone else... woah.

This could have been ME writing this six years ago -- complete with two-year-old daughter, depression and seperated from my husband and thinking that giving a nice couple my child was a call from God.

Now I can't bear to mention my birthson and the word "gift" in the same sentence. All I can say about the 'gift-giving' train of thought is remember that your baby is not asking to be a gift. YOU are all the baby wants and needs.

The "gift-giving" was very much a symptom of depression for me. My life was not going the way I imagined it would be to welcome a child in to it and I felt quite worthless and a failure. I felt making another couple's 'dreams come true' was making good.

Nothing, but NOTHING turned out how I imagined it would.

Lucy

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by mom2justynsarah

Out of curiosity, I checked with dictionary.com on the definition of the word gift. Here is is:

1. Something that is bestowed voluntarily and without compensation.
2. The act, right, or power of giving
3. A talent, endowment, aptitude, or inclination.

It is a pet peeve of mine too. More importantly it is a pet peeve of every adult adoptee I have ever spoken to. I have never spoken to an adoptee that likes to be thought of as a gift. Gift objectifies an adopted person. "Something that is bestowed voluntarily and without compensation." They are not an object to be given. Some are horrified by the feeling that they were thought of something that could be given and received.

The bottom line is that you cannot "give" another human being to anyone. As an expectant parent to my child I had to decide what I felt they needed to grow into a loving, functioning human being. And I looked hard at whether I could provide that for him. I found that I could not. I therefor, as his parent, looked for someone who could provide what I felt I could not. I prefer the term entrusted. I entrusted the parenting of our son to them. If I was giving them anything it was the trust that they would love and raise our child with love, and that they would honor my connection to him. In becoming his parents they accepted the responsibility of that trust.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Brenda,

Thanks for that beautiful explanation. I was sucking with words yesterday.