[Leigh131313]

I just wanted to let you know that I also came here with the hopes of finding a community of people in the same situation as me.

You shouldnt have to defend why you came to this forum .

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

Ma

Lets remember to share our experiences as they apply to us…without trying to apply them to other members of the triad.

Totally agree, however, just trying to show Little bit that it isn't all roses and sunshine and that it does hurt. I don't regret the placement of my son, I regret the whole situation had to happen. I hoped she would take from my posts here is to prepare her for the pain of it all because it will hurt. That's all...

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by merrill1277

Hello,
I was moved in reading your story. You seem like an intelligent and caring person and I don't think anyone thinks otherwise, we just know that where it comes to adoption, we all have so much to learn.

Exactly what I just tried to say. It's just that we hope that we can "save" some from the pain we experienced. That's all.

[michellemartin]

Littlebitty, I would say I am "happy" about placing my daughter (suppose happy as anyone can be placing a child). Though I have some emotional issues to work through right now, I dont regret placing my daughter and overall feel that for me it was the right thing to do. Somehow I just now am realizing that even though it's the thing that still I would have done, there is still loss that I need to reconcile with.

Anyway, after saying where I'm coming from (a for the most part positive place), I'd really like to say that when I read from your post that you think open adoption is a great way to expand your family, it gave me shivers.

And this is why it gave me shivers to read that, in most places open adoptions are NOT binding. The adoptive parents can choose at any moment to never speak to you again if you are in a state where it is not binding. Even then, when it is "binding" you might not have many options to resume contact once it is broken.

Please check the laws on binding open adoption agreements for your state before you assume that once you enter an open adoption it will stay that way. Some of us are lucky and do have great open adoptions. Others of us were not so lucky. And some women here have known a woman who was not so lucky and might be willing to share her story. I didn't know her, so I wont share it. It's not my place.

[proudmum]

I am an adoptive mother and i truly am saddened by some members views of us......
My daughter was not a "gift" as such but i truly do believe that she was meant to be with us,,,, it is her journey (and we intend to make it the happiest one possible..) it is also our journey and her bmothers journey....
Why shouldnt we want to be parents!!!!!!!!! what is so wrong with that,,,,, but i tell you what if we were given the choice of having a biological child or our adopted daughter we would choose our DD everytime as we were meant to be with her and vice versa (Now please dont think the word "choose" as a negative term i just cant think of another way to put it)
I constantly see the words "respect" in this forum and cant help but feel that there is a lot of disrespect aimed at us aparents from certain members,,, I honestly cant understand this as from my point of view we are just doing the best we can,,,,, i came to this forum also to find positive outlooks on adoption (so i could help my daughter in years to come and also to try to get an understanding of what our bmother is going through as even though she is still happy with her decision she is having a hard time with her grief.).. but these are few and far between which saddens me also..
We are all in this together and while i accept that some people from all sides are having a hard time that it should not be directed at others...no matter where they fit in....
Our bmother "chose us" she made an informed decision and doesnt regret it,,, she also had the means to parent dd if she chose too ,, but she chose not to... and that was her choice,,,
I am sorry for everyone that felt they made the wrong decisions or werent informed enough... but please accept that others are and that they are at peace with those decisions... we are certainly at peace with ours,,,,
Dont treat us aparents like we are "just fulfilling a need " as we are the ones parenting these children and for us loving every minute of it.... why cant we just all respect and honour everyone in an adoption as in my point of view to honour each other is to honour our children...



Littlebitty as a aparent i applaud you,,,,, what an amazing person you are.... i wish you only the best for the future and i hope everything works out the way you want it too.....in regards to the post above we are also in a non legally binding adoption but will honour that agreement that we made to the end it is in the best interests of our dd..... we have had to limit contact to 2 visits per year and letters and phonecalls to every four months due to some issues our bmother has been going through which does sadden us ... but we have fought hard to find a resolution.... yes there are aparents that walk away ( very cruel ) but there are others who dont...
I wish you all the very best
From
A VERY PROUD MUM

[SchmennaLeigh]

Adoption grief and loss for firstparents is a tricky thing and it ebbs and flows. As long as we're not standing here saying, "Adoption should never ever ever ever happen," we are entitled to say our peace as well. There are days when some firstparents can't get out of bed ... at twenty years out. Don't make light of our grief. Adoption is not always a positive experience and expecting to come here and hear only about sunshine and rainbows is simply false. While this is a pro-adoption site, you can still be pro-adoption and hurt like heck. That's just the way things are.

[littlebitty]

Well, I guess it is obvious that I will need to choose another place to find a community. I am not here expecting to hear nothing but joyful tales of perfect unions between bmoms and afamilies. I am not naive. I know that this will hurt.

I also see now that I am alone in this journey... because I am at peace with it. And personally, I think that is sad.

Tell me about the pain, tell me about the loss, tell me about grief and days that you cannot get out of bed. But you'll be telling me things I already expect to encounter. I know I will hurt. I know I will cry.

But I also know that with God's peace and guidance, I will smile... and laugh... and see rainbows and sunny days. I just wish that many of you birthmothers would still see the light in the reason you chose adoption in the first place.

I am not here to be told how I will feel. None of you know how I will feel. None of you knew how YOU would feel. I am here to share a common bond, seeking encouragement and enlightenment, support....

None of you has told me of your positive experience. When you chose adoption... and knew it was the right choice... how many of you would have appreciated being told that you are just being selfish, that you will live the rest of your life miserably... knowing that you were making the best decision, and knowing that there was no changing your mind.... would you not want to also have been told that there is still light and life for a birthmother after adoption?

I do have a long way to go. And no, I will NOT change my mind. It will be only natural to want to keep my child after I give birth. There is an undeniable bond between mother and child that I will not neglect to recognize. But how DARE I build up a couple, who wants this baby just as much as I do, if not MORE, only to say, "you know what? I changed my mind. I know you'll hurt, but that's okay... better you than me."

No. I made a commitment to my child, to myself, and to C and A. This child was NOT intended for my home, my life, or God would have sent it at another time. This child was intended for excatly where he will be...

He doesn't WANT ONLY me. If that were the case, then A-parents would just be outta luck, wouldn't they? No, that is not the case. He wants his parents. He wants the life that God has in store for him.
And that life is not with me, and I am willing to accept all that comes with it... whether I will be able to share in his life or not. I am prepared for seeing him once a year... or not for 20 years. Either way, he will be where he belongs, in a loving home, with his parents. And I will deal with the pain and grief, FOR my child.

And in that, we really are not so different.

And with that, I will respectfully take myself from this dark place and try to find a place where B-moms remember just how BEAUTIFUL their choice was.... and who are still at peace, even amidst the pain they feel, with that decision.

Peace be with you all. I pray you will remember the joy of placing your child in a home that so desperately wanted and prayed for that, their child.

[taramayrn]

All I can say is good luck. Bye...

[taramayrn]

Before I leave...

Why is it when we express our grief and try and explain that even though we don't regret our decisions but we wish things were different, and we try and tell someone that adoption isn't all roses we are labelled as angry and somehow that translates into being disrespectful of adoptive parents?!

I am so angry I could just spit.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I guess the bottom line is -- that although it has been stated that this is a pro-adoption site...

Should a person come here... have all the resources to parent... but yet still proclaim that they are placing out of the joy of making another family... in God's name...

Well I think that we have a moral obligation to say.. hey if you dont want to parent, then own that..and place... but to look down the road and realize that God does not play games like that... well many of us know the contempt of looking back at that kind of encouragement...

So shall we say Yay... you are right... God is using you... you are so wise to see it that way... or shall we say.. hey get in touch with your reasoning.

I know that I have repeatedly stated (in PM) that if she doesnt want to parent then by all means let someone who does.

BUT that has never been said "I dont want to parent"... a line of false logic has been used...

And should we encourage that... encourage that she give away her child... pat her on the back... we would be a part of the coersion. And quite honestly we have a moral obligation to point these things out - whether she listens or not... well that is her choice.

But really... who in their right mind - pro-adoption or not - is going to encourage someone to give away her child for no reason?? Just because this is a "Pro-adoption" site.

I think it is a folly expectation.

Will she be in as much pain as we are... perhaps not... but as I have repeatedly pointed out... perhaps her daughter or son (either placed or parented)will be... and those emotions are not being considered.

Are we saying dont place? Well no, I think this is all overatures for the fact that she doesnt want to parent.... but what we are saying is to get in touch with the actual reasons... take her child's feelings into consideration... look at all the realities...

Adoption is not some great fantasy... and while she is basking in the joy of doing "God's Will" what will she be doing to help her child grieve the loss??

That is all. Think about the realities. If you place.. you place... but for us to pat you on the back..well that makes us part of the coersion. And I think that most of the people here -no matter the side of the triad- are above that.

Like I pointed out.. this current line of thinking makes littlebitty a perfect target.

[Pinhead44]

Littlebitty, you will be greatly missed. I'm a birthmom who, like you, decided early in my pregnancy that adoption was the best option for my unplanned pregnancy. That was almost thirty years ago and it was (unfortunatly) a closed adoption, but I KNEW in my heart that giving my daughter to a different family was the right to do (and yes, she was a gift--to me, and to her adoptive parents, and to all those whose lives she has already touched). I had faith that God would find the perfect parents for her, and He did. At times I've been nearly paralyzed with grief and longing for her, but I've also experienced tremendous joy and peace knowing my daughter was loved and cared for by wonderful parents. I could have raised her, and I would have been a good (albeit poor and single) mother, but she deserved more. No regrets about placing her for adoption; only extreme happiness that I did so. Please know that you are not the only birthmom to immediately feel in your soul that adoption of your precious baby is God's will. May you continue to feel the "rightness" of your decision, and blessings to you, your children, and your children's parents.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I pray you will remember the joy of placing your child in a home that so desperately wanted and prayed for that, their child.

There was never any joy for me in the placement. Thinking of that day still kills me and always has; even in my happier times.

[mom2GRLC]

I dissagree.

I feel Littlebitty is quiet confident and secure in her reasons for placing her child. I think she desevers more credit for her choice. I believe her out look is very encouraging. I have heard it many times from people who believe strongly in his plan and purpose.

Her bchild will be blessed beyond measure to have such a loving supportive birthmom, who can validate her and her families family unit.

Many bmom's do not have her way of thinking. SHE feels blessed to have the opportunity to bring this baby to a couple who have earnestly prayed for that opportunity. Many birthmom's on this site look at it the opposite and say "how dare anyone think I did this for the couple...I did it for my child".

Why couldn't you do it for both? Why couldn't you beleive that YOU could be answering someone else's prayers and that maybe just maybe that baby you gave life to might have been intended for someone else?

I know Little Bitty isn't alone in her beliefs.....and because of her beliefs I do believe that her road will be easier. It will still be hard but she will be uplifted by that same power that give her strength now.

I wish her the best in her journey!!!

[mom2GRLC]

How can you not feel ANY joy?

I don't mean to sound harsh....cause I truly respect you and admire you ...always have....

But were you really consumed by ONLY your sorrow to not see ANY beauty or joy in that day? For your child, that adoptive couple and family.

Did anything bring you even a moment of joy?

[taramayrn]

How can she not feel any joy after her flesh and blood was being parented by someone else? Sure, you see your child for the first time, yeah there's a bit of joy there, but then reality sets in.