[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by andromeda

I
You can not imagine how you will feel about this a week, a month, a year or 60 years down the road. You also have no idea how a child will feel about your choice or plan or gift. You make decisions on what seems right to you now, but things change. This is why I believe birth control is a very important issue for anyone having sex, married or not.

Completely agree with this.
However, being on birth control does not guarantee not getting pregnant. I've had two pregnancies which were the results of at least 2 different kinds of birth control.

[littlebitty]

I was on birth control and we were "protected" when I got pregnant.
He just had a plan for this kiddo...

[SchmennaLeigh]

If you think that people here are ridiculing you, I urge you to do further research on adoption. These voices here, so far adoptees, firstparents and adoptive parents, are encouraging you to rethink things. If you think that is ridicule, it is my opinion that you haven't honestly researched adoption thoroughly to know that these voices aren't ridiculing you. The voices that ridicule are out there. They would be chastizing you, calling you names and using any tactic they could to get you to run away from adoption, crying and clutching your unborn child. No one here has done that.

[andromeda]

For the record, Jenna, I don't believe she would change her mind no matter what. She is very set on her belief of God's plan. It seems to somehow comfort her and she believes that she is in control and has thought this through.

I've learned that you can't save anyone from their mistakes and Littlebitty will have to live with the consequences of her plan, good or bad. And I state again, that no one can be certain how they will feel down the road. I certainly hope she makes the best decision for all involved, but she might want to be prepared for it not to be a happily ever after ending.

Certainly you have all tried to give an alternative point of view from your own experiences. You did your best and it is up to littlebitty. I wonder why she came here if her plan was as rock solid as she seems to think.

[littlebitty]

Yes, they have.
Telling me that I just don't want this baby so I will use the excuse of doing it "because God told me to"... that is ridicule.
I'm not some Jesus freak who believes she is bearing God's baby or something. I just know that God turned my desperate situation into one of hope, and somehow I just feel like He knew when I would reach that point in my life, and he knew that He would place a child in my womb that would be an answer to the prayers of a couple that cannot conceive. I mean, its really not as ludacris as it's been made to sound.

Yes, I have been ridiculed. I don't mind the questions. I actually welcome them. Then I give a response and am scoffed at, like if I don't give the response that is wanted, I'm just some naive or selfish girl.

I do not need this. I just didn't realize how close-minded some can be.

Baffles me that I am expected to be open to the negative feedback, to the urges to not place this child for adoption, to keep this child out of my own selfishness so that I will never have to experience grief.... yet not many seem open to MY feedback. Seems pretty one-sided... but I find joy where I am, knowing that I am doing what is best for this child, and C and A, and my daughter and myself... and that's really all I need.

Correction: that is not all I need. I also need faith and family, support and encouragement, and also my sister's shoulder to cry on and my daughters smile to smile at. I know this journey will not be easy. I know, but I accept it.

[Mommy24]

You say "thats all I need", then may I respectfully ask, Why are you here? I understand that you are happy with the decision you are going to make in November, thats great! However when you come to an open forum like this one you are going to get all kinds of responses, some you will like some you wont. I have found in my experience that usually when I post a thread at least one person will make me stop and go "hmmm" maybe I should think about that, you are so set in what you have chosen to do, that I am at a loss as to what it is you want from us?? If you are looking for validation, you wont get it from me, I stand as firm on what I am saying as you stand on what you are saying. Your decision is your decision, but please know it isnt a bed of roses and its hard and you may find yourself going down a different path once you hold that beautiful baby in your arms.

Please make sure you hold your baby, I didnt mine and I regret it everyday of my life.

[littlebitty]

Re: andromeda, I came here for the same reason all other birthmothers or expectant mothers or adoptive mothers came here... to take part in a beautiful community of women who have made, or are making a huge, life changing journey.

Surely other emoms don't come here because they want people who have experienced an adoption plan to try to talk them out of it or change thier mind.

I just thought I would find a community of people who are in a similar situation, but perhaps I have chosen the wrong place to do so.

I just wish that others here could see the beauty and joy of adoption, and not try to darken the world of those of us who do... trying to change our minds, or belittle our reasoning for our decision. I would never belittle anothers decision. Question it, yes. Questioning it is good... but why question if you are not going to listen to the response?

I feel like I have had to be on the defense, not about the adoption, but about my reasoning for it, since I started here. I did come here looking for something... I don't know what. Do any of you know why you ended up here?

Call me naive, and call my decision a mistake if you will, but I don't think that C and A, or this child, or myself and my daughter, or my family, will ever think of my cooperation in placing this child in the best home possible as a mistake. Ever. At least I pray not.

And yes, I will live with my decision and it's consequences. But would I not also have to do the same if I kept this child or if I'd done as millions of other women have and just aborted this precious baby?
I think I'm making a pretty good decision... a decision with consequences I look forward to encountering.

Thank you for your response. I do appreciate it.

Peace be with you.

[Mommy24]

Little, you say you welcome questions so I have one for you......Have you went to the "adoptees" part of this forum and read the stories there? There is some great information there from adoptees about having been placed, please go and read it is very insightful. WIsh I had something like these forums when I was considering placement!

[littlebitty]

I've checked out the adoptee forums. I've even contacted a couple.

My husband is also an adoptee... he was adopted by a crazy woman and her pedifile husband, and lived his life in Hell. I also have a brother who is sterile and will be looking to adopt in the near future. I have weighed the options from both sides.

I am here to continue to be educated about the beauty and darkness of adoption.

I do welcome questions and suggestions. A suggestion is what took me to the adoptee forum in the first place.

Thank you for your response. And please do not misunderstand. I honestly do welcome response. I don't think I can be TOO educated or prepared when it comes to placing the child that I am carrying in my womb, that my husband and I created, in the home of a couple a few hundred miles away.

[Mommy24]

In response to your question about "Do any of you know why you ended up here" Yes I do know why, I came here with the intentions of telling just one person my story in hopes it would make a difference. I came here so that If I could meet one expectant mom and tell her there were resources for her to be able to parent if she wanted to, yes I believe God led me here and I will continue to stand firm that every emom has the right to be told ALL of her options so that she can make an informed decision for her child.

[littlebitty]

I can say the same thing... I came here with the intentions of telling just one person my story in hopes it would make a difference... we just have different stories with different reasons.

[BrandyHagz]

Well, there sure have been a lot of posts telling you how in pain you’ll be and how much you’ll regret your decision - so I thought I’d step in and share a little of the other side.

I placed a little over ten years ago - in my opinion, its one of the best decisions I made, not only for my son and my self, but for the daughter I placed.

Has it been butterflies and flowers and easy and void of guilt/pain? No…I don’t think that’s even possible…you will feel pain…the level of pain you feel depends on you and you alone. Anyone who tells you that you will regret your decision or that you will live to hate yourself for making an adoption plan is purely speculating at best…or trying to scare you based on their own pain at worst.

There are many of us ‘happy birth mom’s’ out there - they are sorely underrepresented on this forum because those who are happy and content with their placements aren’t out looking for support…it’s the nature of the beast.

So, while I do agree that pain is an inevitable side effect of adoption for all sides - the amount of pain can’t be speculated or assumed by anyone but you.

I placed. I grieved her loss. I moved on (that doesn’t mean I forgot). I placed her for a reason and that reason was valid…I could live my life with the ‘what could have been’s’ eating away at my existence…but I choose not to. I choose to do all I can do to show M (the daughter I placed) that I am strong - strong enough to realize I couldn’t parent her, so I placed her with a family who could.

I think its really unfair for some of these posters to be telling you how you would feel…no one knows how you’ll feel…and NO ONE should be trying to coerce you into not placing…coercion works both ways…it’s really sad that those so outspoken about coercion in adoption support it so fully when it comes to talking one out of a decision they’ve made for themselves.

[littlebitty]

Brandy: Thank you. It is nice to hear.

Perhaps I came here for encouragement, of which I have had little. But I think I may have gotten off on the wrong foot, came on too strong, just expecting that others in similar situations would understand my reasoning and decision. I was wrong, which I quickly found out, but it is a blessing to hear your words.

[BrandyHagz]

Maybe some of you are forgetting the purpose of this site…it is a pro-adoption website…and while you’re welcome to share your views as they apply to you and your situation - I’ll ask that you all, regardless of what side of the triad you are on, to please refrain from painting YOUR views of adoption as THE views of adoption - because there is no ONE view of adoption.

Adoption is different for everyone…and NO ONE likes to be told how they should or will feel. I don’t imagine any of your birthmothers posting here would be to keen on my speaking for you, would you?

Lets remember to share our experiences as they apply to us…without trying to apply them to other members of the triad.

[merrill1277]

Hello,
I was moved in reading your story. You seem like an intelligent and caring person and I don't think anyone thinks otherwise, we just know that where it comes to adoption, we all have so much to learn.

In reading your story I could see how deeply hurt you were by your husband's behaviors and actions, so one of my concerns is that your decision hasn't been borne out of the disappointments and pain that may still exist from your marriage, or from not forgiving yourself from decisions you may have made in the past. What I'm saying is just to search your heart that this isn't about punishing yourself or him or anyone else. Forgive me if I'm way off base here, but you mentioned sacrifice a couple of times, so I thought of this.

And between us, my Bible and my God have taught me that we are all one in the Body of Christ, that we are all brothers and sisters, and that we should cooperate as ONE family, even when that means making a sacrifice, big or small, so that our brother or sister might live.

As a fairly new Christian, I was taught to search the Scriptures when seeking God's will, because our own hearts can deceive us. I'm going to share a passage with you here:

Wherewith shall I come before the LORD, and bow myself before the high God? shall I come before him with burnt offerings, with calves of a year old?

Will the LORD be pleased with thousands of rams, or with ten thousands of rivers of oil? shall I give my firstborn for my transgression, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?

He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God? (Micah 6:6-8)

My thoughts on what this is saying is that God Himself wouldn't require us to sacrifice the fruit of our body, but rather would require what is written above, and as a Christian you would know that only Christ's sacrifice is sufficient to save ourselves or others.

I'm not saying adoption is never God's will, just to search out your own reasons. Only you know what the heart of the matter is for you in your decision, so this is all just for your consideration. You are still early and mothers considering adoption are now counseled not to make a final decision until after they've had time with baby after birth.