[Mommy24]

I think the hard part of your story Little, Is most Birthparents feel like they have no other choice but to place there child in a home where they can be provided for, financially and emotionally. You then come along and say that you were offered enough money to parent your child, but still chose to place him/her. For those of us that wish someone would have "helped" us parent our children we placed, it is hard to understand! I realize that your belief is that God has given you a child to place with another family, but I believe that God has given you the resources to parent, it is just in how you wanna see it.

Sometimes when we pray for answers and we dont get the answer we like we tend to think he hasnt answered it yet...Know what I mean. So who is to say that your uncle was sent from God to offer the money to you so that your children could grow up as siblings together with there mom??? My bible and my God believe that if all possible families should be together

But again, Good Luck to you

[littlebitty]

I understand completly. And I understand that my reasoning may be baffling... but I think it is more just misunderstood.

I think that people see my reasoning as just a "cop-out" - that I just didn't want another child, so I'm using it as an excuse. But that is simply not the case. In fact, I look forward to extending my family, not only with the adoptive family, but with more children of my own.

All of the decisions I have made have been made with much prayer, not only from me but from many others around me.

I understand that it may anger some birthmothers, that they may not understand how I could have the means to provide for this child, but have "chosen" not to. But if one cannot understand God's grace at work, my journey will not be understood. And that is okay.
I, however, somehow am able to see through C and A's eyes. I am focused on this child, my daughter, the aparents and my family. And in seeing the good in this journey, I seem to have been slammed!

I am willing to accept ridicule, questioning, discussion... but should I be the only one who has to open my mind to others decisions? What about others opening their mind to how I came to mine?

And between us, my Bible and my God have taught me that we are all one in the Body of Christ, that we are all brothers and sisters, and that we should cooperate as ONE family, even when that means making a sacrifice, big or small, so that our brother or sister might live.

And this is not my child... this is God's child. And He has a plan for this child, even if none around me can understand it.

[Mommy24]

I havent seen anyone ridicule you, I think we have been "trying" to understand you. You and You alone will answer for your decisions. I wish you luck in your journey to adoption. It is a long hard road, God is the only one who gets me through it. I am not anti adoption, but I am all for doing all we can make sure that Eparents are at the very least given the resources to parent if they so wish to. Again, I wish you well.

As a sidenote, I can not believe (even with my faith in God) that the pain I endure everyday and the loss that I feel, was because God chose for me to carry a baby for 9 months and place him into another family. I know he had a plan and I have yet to see it, and sometimes I wonder if I was "really" listening to him when I placed??

I am done, IF you need a shoulder to lean on I am here, please feel free to PM me.

[SchmennaLeigh]

But it is your child. And that child will most likely be (rightly so) offended when you tell him/her in the future that, "Hey, you weren't mine."

Biological roots mean a lot to many an adoptee.

[taramayrn]

That is great that you believe you are giving a couple a gift - your child. It's just that the rest of us, who have been there done that, don't see it that way. I find it very sad that you feel it is your "job" to provide an infertile couple with a child and therefore happiness. That is very very sad.
No one is trying to talk you out of anything or questioning you in a judgemental way. We just want you to think about somethings. Many of us wish we had someone in our lives when we were making this huge decision that would have asked us the same questions and made us really think about what we were doing.
That's all...we just want you to make the right decision for you and your baby - not for someone else.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by Mommy24

As a sidenote, I can not believe (even with my faith in God) that the pain I endure everyday and the loss that I feel, was because God chose for me to carry a baby for 9 months and place him into another family. I know he had a plan and I have yet to see it, and sometimes I wonder if I was "really" listening to him when I placed??

I agree...God gave us free will. He did not cause me to walk this road of loneliness, pain and suffering so someone else could walk a road of happiness and laughter. I chose this path.

[littlebitty]

I'll never deny that this is my child. But first and most importantly, this is God's child. And through placing this child in my womb, at the time He did, I was able to see that this child does not belong in my home.

And I would be stupid to look a 6 year-old in the face and say "hey, your weren't my child." I would never do something like that.

I knew I would be misunderstood, but I had no idea I would be misinterpreted to be so cold. I'm a warm, very very loving, compassionate, educated woman, making an informed, educated decision, amidst ridicule and degradation. However, somehow I still see a beautiful light... and every time I speak to C or A (the aparents), that light is magnified. Even a non-believer cannot deny that is God's grace... unless I am very, very misunderstood.

Peace to you all.

[taramayrn]

Hon...no one thinks you are cold...no one is rideculing or degrating you...just asking some thought provoking questions that's all.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

And quite honestly it seems that you are making the decision so that you can say "Im a warm, very very loving, compassionate, educated woman, making an informed, educated decision, amidst ridicule and degradation".


And quite honestly.. it seems like a poor consolation to look back without your child and say... Hey but I made that decision amid ridicule and degradation". I dont think that your child who you are making choices for will be as moved as you are by your own actions.

[taramayrn]

Hmm, good thought Christine. You know it honestly does sound like that. I hope it works for you and that you can use that to tell yourself you've done the right thing, when you are sobbing and your breasts are leaking and missing your baby sooo much. You need to make this decision for the RIGHT reasons, I know it's hard to say what the right reason is, but so you can do your good deed and get some praise for it, just isn't the right decision. I know it's harsh, but I would have to agree with Christine on this one.

[littlebitty]

You have me tagged so wrong!

This decision is not about ME! Never has been!

For those who "care", here is the blog I posted explaining my situation, before I ever joined this forum. Maybe then I won't be so misunderstood...

And if you do not read this, another misinformed comment is unnecessary. Thank you.

HIS GRACE

I just read a blog that compelled me to write this one. A friend of mine from high school wrote this beautiful blog about her encounter and continued relationship with God. I realized that I attribute so much in my life to His divine mercy and intervention, but I don't really ever talk about it... So...

"My relationship with J had hit breaking point. Again. But this time was different. I had woken up... realized that in my drug use I was killing myself. But more importantly, I had realized that my infatuation with meth was destroying my family... I was a selfish and destructive mother... the person I had never wanted to become.

I could have continuted my habit, blaming it on J, as I had done for so long. After all, he was the one that brought it in to my life. He was the one who wasn't working, who was letting me work 14 hour days only to come home to a filthy, disgusting, cluttered house, leaving me alone as a single mother the second I walked in the door.

He was the one who drove me to near insanity, as we argued because I could not bear one more night of wondering when he would come home, if he would come home at all. He was the one who was stealing money from my wallet, disappearing for 12 or 15 hours at a time, to come home, argue with me, and put his fist through a wall.

He was my vice, my habit, the one who drove me to test the evil waters of the most destructive drug of today. But I was the one who put the drug to my lips.

From there it was nothing but a whirlwind, taking me further and further from reality, pulling my mind and body into a deep hole of desparity. But I continuted, without thinking ahead... only thinking of the desperate situation in which I was living. And it was that... a situation. It was no life.

One day I just woke up.... and my life was saved. The life of my daughter was saved. The lives of my family were spared. I did not realize then that it was God who pulled me back in to reality. But I thank Him every day that He did. I put it down... flushed it down the toilet, actually, and made a firm promise to God, myself and my daughter that I would never touch it again. I have stuck to that promise... only by the grace of God.

As I said, I had woken up. J, on the other hand, had not. It was December when I gave him the ultimatum that would change my life forever. Me and our daughter or the alternative.... Meth.

I can't say he didn't try. He moved in with my parents (who I could write a book about if I had the time... it would be titled something like Saints on Earth). I continued my routine as a single working mother. I was in the midst of a deep, deep depression. It was not only depression in my mind. It had consumed my body... but more importantly, it had consumed my soul.

J's binges did not cease. He kept taking off, sometimes in my parents' car, once with their credit card. They handled it with a grace that I did not understand. But they did it for me and my daughter, by the grace of God.

It was February. J was still living with my parents. A (my daughter) and I were making it. My best friend was in town from Colorado, and we were making plans to start over there, with her help. I don't remember the exact date, but it was her last night in town. J and I went on a date, and when we got back to my house he decided that he was going back in to town to have a few beers. I knew that meant I would not see him the rest of the night, and refused, but he went, anyway.

That night I did not sleep. Midnight passed, and I had not heard from J. Then passed 1... and 2... and 3... 4.... 5.... 6 o'clock a.m. my dad was at my house, knocking on my door, looking for the boy who was supposed to be asleep in his cellar. J was no where to be found, and I had not heard from him all night.

Six thirty a.m.... J walked in my front door...

I asked him where he'd been. I had not slept. My mind was taken back to all the times it had happened before. I was enraged... things were finally going alright. How could this happen again?

He told me he'd been at my girlfriend's house... that there had been a spur of the moment party after the bar... a going away party for my best friend, at my other best friend's house. My best friends. I knew he was lying. There was no way he could have spent all night partying with all my best friends, the girls who I'd known and loved for years, the girls who I'd cried to for years about my lying, no good, drug addict husband, the girls who I'd worked with, who loved me, who hated what J for was doing to me and A. There was no way this was possible.

I picked up the phone and called her. The news I heard shattered me. It was true. And not only was it true that he was there until six a.m., he was there, drinking and doing drugs with all of my best friends, and not one of them, with all the cell phones in the house, loved me enough to pick up the phone and call me.

I had been up all night, with not one second of rest, while my husband, who was currently living with my parents and "trying" to get clean, was partying with all of MY good friends, at my best friend's going away party.

To say that my world was shattered would not even scratch the surface of the depth I hit. In one night I'd lost every person that I loved and trusted, including my husband. I was crushed.

For three days my eyes were only filled with tears. My life seemed like a cruel joke.

J was gone, this time for the last time. My dreams of starting over in Colorado were gone, along with every friend but one who had been my friend since sixth grade. But even she couldn't be around too much, because of our opposite schedules. I had just started taking anti-depressants. I felt like a depressed charity case, a bad mother, a loser, to say the least. Everything I'd loved, everything I'd worked for... gone, in one night.

Then I took the pregnancy test. It was positive.

I could go on talking about the depth of my emotion, my black vision and empty soul... but I think this is where I talk about the light...

I was driving in my car, screaming at God... how could He do this to me? WHY did he do this to me? It was a mistake. I was not pregnant. This was just another of life's cruel jokes. And He hit me. He is not a violent God, but he just reached out and slapped me in the face. And from that day forward, I have thanked Him. He basically said, "How dare you? I am here. Come to me, my child, and I will lift you up."

He opened my mind, and I changed it. Instead of asking "why?" I asked "what? What am I supposed to do?" He spoke to me. I did not hear actual words, but I felt them, and suddenly everything made sense.

My decisions and circumstances led me to where I'd ended up, but I was finally able to see that He used those decisions and circumstances, worked through them, to give me a blessed, sacred gift.

He used the night of the devastating party to finally help me let go of J, to show me that His plan for my life was not in Colorado, and that the friends who I'd held so highly were actually holding me back. Now, I thank Him for that night. Had it not happened, I may still be in the same dark place I was then.

Then He did something that would change my life forever. He made it very clear to me that the child He had placed in my womb, that I was so scared to have, that for a brief moment I'd even considered killing, was not my child. It was His. He had a home for that child, a plan for that child, and He made it crystal clear that He would do with this child what was in HIS will. He showed me that if I cooperated with His grace, not only would the lives of myself, my daughter, and my family be blessed, but so would the lives of dozens of others.

I contacted C and A on March 10th. This weekend they flew from Michigan to Texas to meet me and my family. In November, the child that they have been hoping and praying and preparing to love for years, will be in their arms, in their home, lying in the crib, in the nursery that they have lovingly painted, in the home that they have been preparing for a child that they might never have had.

By the grace of God and the support of my family, I will be helping this beautiful, fun, charming, intelligent, loving, funny, amazing couple make their lives whole. Through God's direction, I will be carrying the child that He has put on this earth solely to answer their prayers. He is working through ME. Somehow, I am able to carry the child that is an answer to thier prayers. Somehow, I can't even be scared or upset at sacrificing this child. He sacrificed His son, so that we might live, and He has given me the opportunity to do the same. I cannot even begin to describe how blessed I am. And He has worked through this situation. He has brought me and A to a life of joy, true joy. He has brought my family to a closeness that only exists in fairy tales. Every person who has heard this story has been touched in some way... and it is all through HIS grace.

I cannot say that i do not still wonder "why" sometimes. But I no longer ask why He let this happen to me. I only stand in awe... wondering why He CHOSE ME. How am I worthy?

I will never understand his grace, but I will forever stand in complete awe of his glory. He moves in mysterious, awesome, radical ways. He takes situations of utter disparity and turns them in to divine blessings. I will never again lift my voice to Heaven in anger... and I will never, ever, stop singing of his glory."

[numbr1dbcksfan]

NOVEMBER??

Wow. You have until November to prepare for your baby.. you have had resources offered to you.. you have found the strength to stand up for yourself and be a stronger woman... but yet you choose to go this other way.

Please know that no matter what your proclaimation is... this child will still be considered God's child not matter who parents him or her. But nothing will change the fact that you and your husband are this child's parents, he or she was sent to you, you have the resources and strength to parent her... and you chose to read it as something else..

Not even after much thought... there is still months and months left of this pregnancy...

I just dont understand what you will tell your child about your decision. Really. If it isnt that you dont want to parent.. and it certainly isnt that you cant parent... then... what? Dont you know that your child only wants you... who he or she is growing inside and bonding to... you who was blessed with him or her... you who are his or her mother...

Im not seeing where God - who had shown you light...and resources.. and blessed you with a child... would really be saying.. no wait.. persevere and turn down all of this for really he is just using you to answer someone else's prayers...?!!?!


Im going to restate this because it warrants merit...

Adoption exists out of the necessity to provide homes for children who need them.. not because God thought it would be a fun game to get some women pregnant to provide children for others. If that couple was meant to adopt a child that needed a home... and yours clearly doesnt need one.. then that too looks to be a misinterpretation of the fact that this is their child.

[littlebitty]

Each is entitled to her own opinion.

And for the record... what makes your reasoning "right?"
What did you tell your child that was "good enough" for you?

Why am I being ridiculed when I am in the same boat?

And yes, I have until the end of October.
I suppose that also makes me naive, selfish and stupid, but, hey, whatever.

Lets remeber that this is a beautiful CHILD that we are talking about. This is the life of a child, and his parents, and his birthparents, and his birthparents' family and his parents family... and his future, and his friends.

How will I explain it to him? I don't know.
I've started working on a children's book, which I will not discuss because it certainly will only cause more put-downs.

I just rejoice in that I still find happiness in life, even though I know that a little piece of my heart will be leaving Texas in November.

I wish the same for all of you.

[myheart]

Originally Posted by littlebitty

You have me tagged so wrong!

This decision is not about ME! Never has been!

For those who "care", here is the blog I posted explaining my situation, before I ever joined this forum. Maybe then I won't be so misunderstood...

And if you do not read this, another misinformed comment is unnecessary. Thank you.

HIS GRACE

I just read a blog that compelled me to write this one. A friend of mine from high school wrote this beautiful blog about her encounter and continued relationship with God. I realized that I attribute so much in my life to His divine mercy and intervention, but I don't really ever talk about it... So...

"My relationship with J had hit breaking point. Again. But this time was different. I had woken up... realized that in my drug use I was killing myself. But more importantly, I had realized that my infatuation with meth was destroying my family... I was a selfish and destructive mother... the person I had never wanted to become.

I could have continuted my habit, blaming it on J, as I had done for so long. After all, he was the one that brought it in to my life. He was the one who wasn't working, who was letting me work 14 hour days only to come home to a filthy, disgusting, cluttered house, leaving me alone as a single mother the second I walked in the door.

He was the one who drove me to near insanity, as we argued because I could not bear one more night of wondering when he would come home, if he would come home at all. He was the one who was stealing money from my wallet, disappearing for 12 or 15 hours at a time, to come home, argue with me, and put his fist through a wall.

He was my vice, my habit, the one who drove me to test the evil waters of the most destructive drug of today. But I was the one who put the drug to my lips.

From there it was nothing but a whirlwind, taking me further and further from reality, pulling my mind and body into a deep hole of desparity. But I continuted, without thinking ahead... only thinking of the desperate situation in which I was living. And it was that... a situation. It was no life.

One day I just woke up.... and my life was saved. The life of my daughter was saved. The lives of my family were spared. I did not realize then that it was God who pulled me back in to reality. But I thank Him every day that He did. I put it down... flushed it down the toilet, actually, and made a firm promise to God, myself and my daughter that I would never touch it again. I have stuck to that promise... only by the grace of God.

As I said, I had woken up. J, on the other hand, had not. It was December when I gave him the ultimatum that would change my life forever. Me and our daughter or the alternative.... Meth.

I can't say he didn't try. He moved in with my parents (who I could write a book about if I had the time... it would be titled something like Saints on Earth). I continued my routine as a single working mother. I was in the midst of a deep, deep depression. It was not only depression in my mind. It had consumed my body... but more importantly, it had consumed my soul.

J's binges did not cease. He kept taking off, sometimes in my parents' car, once with their credit card. They handled it with a grace that I did not understand. But they did it for me and my daughter, by the grace of God.

It was February. J was still living with my parents. A (my daughter) and I were making it. My best friend was in town from Colorado, and we were making plans to start over there, with her help. I don't remember the exact date, but it was her last night in town. J and I went on a date, and when we got back to my house he decided that he was going back in to town to have a few beers. I knew that meant I would not see him the rest of the night, and refused, but he went, anyway.

That night I did not sleep. Midnight passed, and I had not heard from J. Then passed 1... and 2... and 3... 4.... 5.... 6 o'clock a.m. my dad was at my house, knocking on my door, looking for the boy who was supposed to be asleep in his cellar. J was no where to be found, and I had not heard from him all night.

Six thirty a.m.... J walked in my front door...

I asked him where he'd been. I had not slept. My mind was taken back to all the times it had happened before. I was enraged... things were finally going alright. How could this happen again?

He told me he'd been at my girlfriend's house... that there had been a spur of the moment party after the bar... a going away party for my best friend, at my other best friend's house. My best friends. I knew he was lying. There was no way he could have spent all night partying with all my best friends, the girls who I'd known and loved for years, the girls who I'd cried to for years about my lying, no good, drug addict husband, the girls who I'd worked with, who loved me, who hated what J for was doing to me and A. There was no way this was possible.

I picked up the phone and called her. The news I heard shattered me. It was true. And not only was it true that he was there until six a.m., he was there, drinking and doing drugs with all of my best friends, and not one of them, with all the cell phones in the house, loved me enough to pick up the phone and call me.

I had been up all night, with not one second of rest, while my husband, who was currently living with my parents and "trying" to get clean, was partying with all of MY good friends, at my best friend's going away party.

To say that my world was shattered would not even scratch the surface of the depth I hit. In one night I'd lost every person that I loved and trusted, including my husband. I was crushed.

For three days my eyes were only filled with tears. My life seemed like a cruel joke.

J was gone, this time for the last time. My dreams of starting over in Colorado were gone, along with every friend but one who had been my friend since sixth grade. But even she couldn't be around too much, because of our opposite schedules. I had just started taking anti-depressants. I felt like a depressed charity case, a bad mother, a loser, to say the least. Everything I'd loved, everything I'd worked for... gone, in one night.

Then I took the pregnancy test. It was positive.

I could go on talking about the depth of my emotion, my black vision and empty soul... but I think this is where I talk about the light...

I was driving in my car, screaming at God... how could He do this to me? WHY did he do this to me? It was a mistake. I was not pregnant. This was just another of life's cruel jokes. And He hit me. He is not a violent God, but he just reached out and slapped me in the face. And from that day forward, I have thanked Him. He basically said, "How dare you? I am here. Come to me, my child, and I will lift you up."

He opened my mind, and I changed it. Instead of asking "why?" I asked "what? What am I supposed to do?" He spoke to me. I did not hear actual words, but I felt them, and suddenly everything made sense.

My decisions and circumstances led me to where I'd ended up, but I was finally able to see that He used those decisions and circumstances, worked through them, to give me a blessed, sacred gift.

He used the night of the devastating party to finally help me let go of J, to show me that His plan for my life was not in Colorado, and that the friends who I'd held so highly were actually holding me back. Now, I thank Him for that night. Had it not happened, I may still be in the same dark place I was then.

Then He did something that would change my life forever. He made it very clear to me that the child He had placed in my womb, that I was so scared to have, that for a brief moment I'd even considered killing, was not my child. It was His. He had a home for that child, a plan for that child, and He made it crystal clear that He would do with this child what was in HIS will. He showed me that if I cooperated with His grace, not only would the lives of myself, my daughter, and my family be blessed, but so would the lives of dozens of others.

I contacted C and A on March 10th. This weekend they flew from Michigan to Texas to meet me and my family. In November, the child that they have been hoping and praying and preparing to love for years, will be in their arms, in their home, lying in the crib, in the nursery that they have lovingly painted, in the home that they have been preparing for a child that they might never have had.

By the grace of God and the support of my family, I will be helping this beautiful, fun, charming, intelligent, loving, funny, amazing couple make their lives whole. Through God's direction, I will be carrying the child that He has put on this earth solely to answer their prayers. He is working through ME. Somehow, I am able to carry the child that is an answer to thier prayers. Somehow, I can't even be scared or upset at sacrificing this child. He sacrificed His son, so that we might live, and He has given me the opportunity to do the same. I cannot even begin to describe how blessed I am. And He has worked through this situation. He has brought me and A to a life of joy, true joy. He has brought my family to a closeness that only exists in fairy tales. Every person who has heard this story has been touched in some way... and it is all through HIS grace.

I cannot say that i do not still wonder "why" sometimes. But I no longer ask why He let this happen to me. I only stand in awe... wondering why He CHOSE ME. How am I worthy?

I will never understand his grace, but I will forever stand in complete awe of his glory. He moves in mysterious, awesome, radical ways. He takes situations of utter disparity and turns them in to divine blessings. I will never again lift my voice to Heaven in anger... and I will never, ever, stop singing of his glory."

Oh, littlebitty that is such an awesome testimony!!

God Bless you...I will talk with you later.
Many Blessings,
Myheart

[andromeda]

I was a 'gift' from my mother to my adoptive parents nearly 60 years ago. I do not like the term, do not feel like a gift and know that my mother has had much difficulty in the years since dealing with her 'choice'. Oh yes, she made the choice, selected people she knew and saw me over the years as I grew up. She did it her way and still was unhappy with the outcome.

You can not imagine how you will feel about this a week, a month, a year or 60 years down the road. You also have no idea how a child will feel about your choice or plan or gift. You make decisions on what seems right to you now, but things change. This is why I believe birth control is a very important issue for anyone having sex, married or not.