[numbr1dbcksfan]

Well.. you couldnt call me crazy here because that would be a violation of the terms of service.

But at least you are clear on my thoughts.. that of course I wouldnt say - because if they come from you musing, that is fine.. but if I were to express them in your words... it would be a violation of the terms of service.

So guess I wont express it in your way.

[littlebitty]

Ah, and we will not violate the terms of service.

I just hope that none of us judge another after reading only brief expressions of opinions. That would just be silly.

There is no right or wrong when it comes to feeling.
Obviously we have a conflict when it comes to our convictions, but conflicting attitudes and minds is what makes the human race so interesting... and exciting.

I can understand why the majority of people feel the way they feel about adoption. Why does the majority of people not even want to understand why or how I feel like I do?

It's all good. And it is all beautiful.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I guess my question is... does the baby's father feel the same way?

If so.. then I suppose that is all the support you need to make it legal.


Added... sorry I gathered from this statement that it was not your husband's baby... "
I was broke, married by law, but without a husband, and already a single mother when I found out I was pregnant again."
I apologize if I got that wrong.

[littlebitty]

Yes, this child was conceived with my husband. I can see how the way I phrased it might be misleading. We are still married, but I cannot get a divorce in my state by law while I am pregnant.

We'd been seperated for several months when I found out I was with child. One silly night of letting my guard down, and I was pregnant (I also have to add that we were "protected"... God definately wanted me to conceive this child).

When I was first led to the prospect of adoption, he was not happy... did not want to be that "deadbeat dad" who was the reason I had to place this child in another home. At first I did feel that way... but as it all unravelled so beautifully, as I came to see the reason this child was brought to life, I couldn't make myself feel that way any more.

And he supports it. Somehow I've helped him see that this child was not intended for us. I don't know... maybe it's too complicated to explain AND keep short.

Because had he been the best husband in the world, and had he been providing for me and our first child the way a man should, I would not have considered adoption... and I would be keeping a child that does not belong in my home.

I KNOW it sounds cooky.... but it just... I don't know... just all makes sense.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Just keep in mind, also, that the loss is not only yours, but also your other child's and the child that you are placing.

I hope you consider that you will have to explain the absence to both children and the God's Will theory may just not be enough.

Sure your child doesnt have a say about his or her sister or brother.. but will be losing his or her sibling just the same.... as well as the adoptee losing his or her family under the notion of God's Will and not necessity... Please be sure to consider how this explaination will help either or both to deal with this.. and if it doesnt help them...what approach you might use as follow-up justification.

[littlebitty]

I know that this is all in His plan.
And I do think about how I will explain this to my daughter and her sibling. I will just confront that when the time comes, and I feel very confident that when that time comes, He will help me through it.

Do any of us really know what we will say to our children that we have placed? Do any of us really know how to explain it?

All we can do, I think, is make certain that they know how much they are loved, how important they are, and that, for whatever reason we placed them, they have a beautiful purpose in life... and just pray for peace and understanding, for them, and us, and any others involved.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Well my daughter was two when I placed.. so yeah the time comes right away... like when you come home with no baby.... then it goes on eternally from there.

Do any of us know... well I personally think that the notion making sure that they feel loved is just fantasizing... Just the sheer act of giving them to someone else counteracts that... then you have to work your way backwards to middle ground. I had reasons beyond a Gods Will theory and you are right I have no Idea how to make it right with her. I cant imagine having to do it for no reason.

[littlebitty]

If you are not willing to even try to understand my reasoning (and yes, there is reasoning there; whether it is "good enough" for anyone else makes little difference to me), I suppose this should not continue. I am, however, confident and at peace in my journey, and will defend myself and my views if necessary.


I do not question or disagree with why anyone has placed her child. If anything, I would like to find out and understand.
Why question and disagree with every reason I have for placing this child, especially when it has brought me nothing but beauty and peace, and an understanding of sacrifice and love?
Why not try to understand why and how I feel such peace? Why not try to understand how my life is more beautiful because of this adoption journey?
I know why birthmothers feel loss and grief and sadness. I will feel, and have felt, all of those emotions. But why not try to understand why I feel peace and beauty and joy more often than dispair?

[SchmennaLeigh]

Personally, I wish I would have had someone to question me so that I could have looked deeper into my reasoning.

Questions aren't necessarily a bad thing. If someone questions you, you cannot later say, "I wish someone would have said x-thing," like so many of us have and so many of us will.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Well let me tell you something. A lot of us dont have the benefit of looking back and saying "someone at least cared enough to point that out to me"...

So whether you take it or leave it is up to you... your view is not unique -- at all.. It is understood very well as others have been there....

But at least when and if you find yourself in a mentioned situation you will have the benefit of looking back and saying.. oh someone told me about that part... rather than looking back and saying Why didnt anyone tell me that?

Good luck to you.

[littlebitty]

I have been questioned... by friends, by family, by strangers.
I've been offered counseling, which I have taken.
I've been offered money, more money than I could imagine, which I have not.
My aunt and her husband offered to adopt this child, as did my brother and his wife.

Oh, I have had the questions. And I welcome them.
And if they were rhetorical, I answered anyway. If they were meant to make me think... I have.
But I will still reply and stand by my convictions...
Maybe I'll shed a little laughter or light along the way,
but if not, I still stand strong.

Question me, fine, if you're doing it because you care.
Question me if you just want to argue, and that's fine, too.
I'm pretty good at discussion.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

We care, hon.

We have been in the "see the light" place...

The grasping onto the idea of giving someone else a family..

AND

Most of us have also been in that "you questioning is only going to make me cling to it more" place.

I think we point these things out to you in hopes to help your family and your child to not be unnecessarily separated.

And really... we dont know the right thing to say, either... what COULD we have said to ourselves?

All we know is where we are now.. looking back and saying.. gee I sure wish I had been pointed to the resouces to keep my child rather than the ones to lose him or her.

Bleh.

I suppose all that is left to say is that when you hold your child... if you change your mind... please dont feel guilty about that. You have a child... imagine missing everything you cherish about that...


Sticking with the God talk -- Perhaps God led you here to have just these things said to you... could be a notion.

[littlebitty]

Or perhaps God led me here to bring you back to that "see the light" place. A notion none of us knows.

I have been offered the resources to keep this child. My uncle offered me enough money to buy a house and a car, and put both my daughter and this child through private school and college. But plain and simple, this is not my child to keep.

Understand it any way you like... but in my eyes, this is God's child, and He will put it where He has in mind. And if I do not cooperate with that, should C and A have to suffer? Why should their nursery, the one that has been empty for three sad years, stay that way? Why should I not want to end that lonliness and pain? I am capable and willing. Why not? It just makes sense.
With love comes sacrifice. And I can love these people, who I only met last weekend, enough to answer thier prayers with God's guidance. And I think that is beautiful.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Wow.

I just wonder what your child will think about you filling someone else's empty room with him or her simply for no other reason than you could.

Im going to respectfully bow out of this conversation now.

Luck.

[littlebitty]

And your refusal to see the beauty in it, to play it down like I just don't want this child, like I just want to "fill an empty room" because I "can"... is tragic to me. And insulting, to say the least.

It seems to me that you are not saying these things because you care ("We care, hon."), but rather to make me seem like a selfish, naive little girl.

You said
"We have been in the "see the light" place...

The grasping onto the idea of giving someone else a family.."

So what happened to that notion? That beautiful, joyous notion?

Peace be with you. I honestly do wish you peace.