[cprsmths]

I am new here. I really need some advice from people who have been thru this. I gave up my daughter almost nineteen years ago in a semi-open adoption. I have always known where she was, but have not made any contact so that she could have a "normal" life. A few months ago, I contacted the amom to let her know that I was interested in meeting my bdaughter. She put me off - it is her senior year of high school, she has a lot on her plate right now, yadda, yadda, yadda. I plan on being at her graduation next week, incognito. I would really like to meet her before she goes off to college and since the amom isn't being very helpful or receptive, should I try to work with the amom, or because my daughter is legally an adult, should I just contact her with a letter to let her know my interest, even though it would feel like I am going behind amom's back without her "permission"?

[sspete]

Boy, this is a hard one!!! I contacted my bdaughter's afamily first and they were very receiptive to me, so I don't know what I would have done if they weren't!!! She was 19 at the time and a little receiptive, but not overly!!

We have been in reunion 3 years and she just now let me call her!!! Your bdaughter is really at a tender age!!! She may or may not be ready!! It is SOOOOOO individual!!!

This is a VERY hard time in her life though...I can tell you that!! If she is going off to college then I would recommend waiting until she is away...Then write her a letter! It is truly up to you, but PLEASE be prepared for anything!! I thought my bdaughter would be over-joyed to find me, but it has taken her a REALLY long time to get used to the idea!!

I know I have not been much help....It is just plain HARD to know what to do!!! I wish you the best....Please keep us posted!!!

Staci

[AMom2Two]

Originally Posted by cprsmths

I plan on being at her graduation next week, incognito. I would really like to meet her before she goes off to college

Wow going to her graduation like that makes me nervous. I'm not sure that is such a good idea. I can understand the human element to it for you though. First time to "see" her. It would be hard to resist that urge.

I can understand her amom wanting her to finish her senior year first. I can understand YOU want to meet her before she goes to college.

I would call the amom back and talk to her again.

I would be hestitant to just place yourself into your bdaughters life right now. This is a stressful time for her, starting college in September. You don't want to add to her stress.

You need to get a feel for who she is before you make decisions for her. Talk to her mom. See if it is possible for you to meet this summer. Start building your bridge to her

[mom2justynsarah]

Originally Posted by cprsmths

I am new here. I really need some advice from people who have been thru this. I gave up my daughter almost nineteen years ago in a semi-open adoption. I have always known where she was, but have not made any contact so that she could have a "normal" life. A few months ago, I contacted the amom to let her know that I was interested in meeting my bdaughter. She put me off - it is her senior year of high school, she has a lot on her plate right now, yadda, yadda, yadda. I plan on being at her graduation next week, incognito. I would really like to meet her before she goes off to college and since the amom isn't being very helpful or receptive, should I try to work with the amom, or because my daughter is legally an adult, should I just contact her with a letter to let her know my interest, even though it would feel like I am going behind amom's back without her "permission"?

I am adoptive mom. Since you have already spoke with your daughter's mother, please be respectful and back off. She made it loud and clear that this wasn't the right time.

I agree with this mom. Your daughter is at a cross roads in her life right now. She is graduating high school and preparing for college. This is a highly emotional & exciting time for her. I wouldn't intervene.

If you go behind your daughter's mother back, you are setting yourself up for even more resistance in the future. Yes, this is your birth daughter. Yes, I you want to meet her.

But rule #1, don't disrespect her mother. Why put your daughter in that position?

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Im ok with the grad thing as long as you dont approach them out of the blue... or do anything wild...

As for the contact... I agree with you honoring her mother's wishes while she was still in high school... even thought she was of age... but once she is out on her own, it is between you and her... while I agree.. dont disrespect her mom to her -AT ALL... it just isnt about the mom anymore.. infact.. you may want to mention that you hadnt contacted her sooner OUT OF respect for her mom who thought she had a lot on her place during high school.

Eh... I dont see anything wrong with an introduce yourself letter.... let her know you are available and willing.... wish her luck... extend how proud you are of her... and then leave it in her court.

I probably wouldnt push meeting though...

Let us know what you decide!

[SchmennaLeigh]

you may want to mention that you hadnt contacted her sooner OUT OF respect for her mom who thought she had a lot on her place during high school.

I'd go this route. Respecting the AMom, at this point, is of the utmost importance. (Which, respect should always be important.) But the fact remains: once she is of age, away at college and thus, mainly on her own, it is her life. From my understanding (unless I'm wrong and then correct me), you contact the AMom first and only, right? While senior year is hectic, my opinion is that she most likely didn't even approach the daughter with the information in hopes of keeping her senior year as calm as possible. Personally, I might have done the same thing in hopes of making transitions easy for her ... and getting my last bit of time in before she launched off on her own.

I'm torn because as firstparents we are taught to respect adoptive parents' boundaries. But, truth be told, once eighteen hits, those boundaries are no longer valid; the daughter is now able to and should be provided with the option to make her own decisions. Again, you went above and beyond what any other firstparent would do and followed her Amom's wishes after the child turned eighteen.

Those days are over. You can respect the Amom while still respecting the fact that your daughter is now old enough to make her own decisions. Mommy can't hold her hand forever.

Now, if it was me, personally, I'd wait until after the first semester of college was over just so she could adjust to that life before she had to make the adjustment for a firstmom in her life as well. I'm not telling you to do what I would do as every firstparent is different, but, that's just me.

And, me? Personally? I couldn't go to graduation and have the will to stay away. If you can, great, do it. But if you have even an inkling of doubt that you won't be able to hold back, perhaps it would be best if you didn't go. I'm not sure on this issue. Very sticky.

Best of luck. Keep us updated.

[cprsmths]

Now I'm even more confused -- Can I just take the advice that I want to hear from all of you and go from there? Jenna, I like your advice the best. My only concern about waiting until after she goes to college is that right now she lives 2 hours away from me and she could be moving 20 hours away.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Perhaps the distance will give her a safety net that she may need to become comfortable with you at first. (I'm not saying that to be fact, just a possibility.) Most often, we see if one side pushes for physical contact from the beginning (as I'm assuming you're meaning with reference to only two hours apart), the other side can be turned off.

Take it slow. Letters are awesome.

[firstparentblog]

Really this is between you and your daughter. Let's face it, life is always hectic, there is always something going on. I'm not saying run right up to her at graduation, but a letter introducing yourself isn't going to hurt anyone.

You do need to prepare yourself for the fact that she may not be ready for reunion. I was 26 before I was ready to contact my first mom. It is a HUGE thing in an adopted person's life.

So I say go ahead and contact her at some point in the near future, but prepare yourself for things going in a direction different from what you planned.