[avaleebell]

Hello, I have a problem - question for both birthmoms and aparents alike..:

I am currently pregnant and have choose adoption as the best plan for my child. DH and I are a very happy couple but we dont think that we will be able to be parents like an innocent child deserves.

I am due in August on the 25th. We have already picked the family to adopt and we have until now had no doubts at all about them. We both think they are very wonderful people.

Last night we got on the conversation of the hospitol birth plan. I have a strange plan but me and dh have had this plan way before we met any families and we stand firm on it. Here is what it is ( I am copy and pasting this directly from the email I sent)

I'm going to fill you in on the birth and hospital thing. I dont want to
offend you in anyway but Kevin and I have been talking about this every
sense January. When I have the baby we are going to be alone and throughout
the hospitol stay we will spend then and then 5-7 days at home with the baby
before we sign the relinquish (sp??) papers. I by know means am trying to
disrespect or disappoint Matt and you but this is something that we stand
strong on. We need this time to make amends of some sort. It sounds strang
now that I'm typing it but our reasoning makes sense. HOpefully the closer
to time it gets the more I will be able to explain our reasoning for this.
PLease let me know how you feel about this. I'm sure it's coming as a total
surprise but please have "no worries" like I said in the begining.


That was a paragraph of the email where I explained what I meant. How far off are we? They are very upset and even angry about this. We are doing this this way no matter what. Here are some of the things they replied:

Hi. We are sorry for not responding sooner but we are really not sure
what to say. We are very shocked and surprised by your last e-mail. Are you having second thoughts about going through with the whole
process? We understand that you love the child growing inside of you and
that you have formed a bond but we do not understand why we can't be part of
it sooner. He is part of all 4 of us and to not take part in a very
emotional part of his life I think would devestate us. I can't imagine
being here and just waiting for your call that you are ready for us to come
and get him. I guess right now that is all we can say...we need some time
to process everything and then we will get back to you. I know that you did
not want to dissapoint or offend us but it is really hard for us to not feel
those things right now. We are being honest about our feelings right now,
and we just need time to process it all!

Matt

I replied with this
I didn't mean bad when I made a statement about us communicating. I dont
want you to feel as if you have to apologize either. I know what you mean
about the walking away part. But angry I didnt think you where. I'm
guessing this is pushing us back to square one again. There is something I
needed to let you know though please talk with Matt and figure out if you
are able to handle an open adoption arrangement before we go any further.
While I understand your hurt and I dont want to hurt your feelings but I
really dont want to be hurt either. What I mean by this is no matter what
we put on paper about the rules that you and I come up with in the "open"
part of the adoption in the end it's going to go the way you two let it.
I wont have any say because if you decide that you dont want to honor
something that we agree on "you change your mind" there will be NOthing
that I can do about it. Nobody will make you honor our arrangment, ie.
(courts, attorney no one)
I dont want us to be another day down the road and have to worries and
wonder about if yall will still be there. Again try not to take this to
heart but it's a genuion concern of mine and Kevins. This is to important
for me to build a relationship with you both and at the same time get to
know the person for the baby. 4 months or less at this point is NOT
allot of time to begin with. While some woman may be able to just pick out
a couple give birth and call it day I cant. But there are plenty of
birthmoms out there that can. So if you want to those circumstances it's
ok but you'll have to keep looking. I will respect you just the same I
think you two are amazing ppl in even considering adoption. In this short
time I've come to think the world of you and Matt! I would be heart broken
if we cant work it out but it will hurt allot less now (for all of us)
than it will the longer this goes. I am very sorry that this is so hard
for you I want you to be happy and like in the beginning no worries.

And then:
I'm glad that you understand our reaction and there really was a good reason
I was the one not e-mailing back!! I understand that we need to be able to
communicate when we are upset (angry) but in the same sense I also know that
sometimes it is just better to walk away and calm down!! I did (do) not
want to say anything that I did not truly mean. I'm not going to even begin
to say that we understand what you are going to go through emotionally and I
respect that, but we still do not understand how this is going to make it
easier for anyone!! Hard to swallow really is an understatement at this
point!! Sorry!
Jeni

Please We really need some advice we are very scared now. Has anyone else been through this?? Anything we can learn would help a great deal. I had no idea this would have such a negative impact..????

Thanks in Advance!!Ava

[AwaitingBeloved]

Dear Ava,
I really respect you for knowing what you want as far as taking time with your baby after birth, and before placement, if you chose to relinquish and place your baby at all. (I don't say this to imply anything, other than, it is to be expected that you will have to remake the decision once the baby is born, and you may change your mind.. which is OK).

As far as the paparents getting upset. I have mixed feelings. In all honesty, if DD's bmom told us that she didn't want us there, I'd probably be a little bit sad, but I would not burden her with my own sadness. And, I would not allow it to push us away from her either. Also, if she chose to bring DD home with her from the hospital, I would have been a nervous wreck (there is no two ways about it) but it would have been acceptable to us. In some ways, we'd probably feel even more reassured about the placement when it happened.

As far as being there for the birth, here's my experience. Prior to being matched with DD's bparents, I thought it was an amazing opportunity. And when we matched with her bparents, we felt even more honored that she asked us to be there. They are phenomenal people, we care a lot about them, and respect them so much, so for them to care at all about us is quite humbling. And touching.

We were there for her birth. DH and I stayed in the hallway, with the door open, we could see the baby as soon as she was born, and heard the experience, but weren't there to see "it all." Bmom told me after I could have come in (I had been in and out of her room all night until it came time to push, some reason, I couldn't bring myself to go in unless she called for me.) It worked out great, I had the time in the hallway with my DH. If I had gone in, he would've been with my best friend in the hall, which would have been nice, but not the same as having his wife there with him, ya know?

I did spend the two nights in the hospital room with bmom. In some ways, it was amazing. Well, in many ways. It was one of the best experiences of my life, and in some ways I think it helped her to sort of see me acting as a mom (She was very hands off the first day, at her own desire), maybe reassured her. However, now that things are settling down, and my emotions are becoming clearer, I don't think I would do this again. DH was alone two nights during some very stressful nights. I was alone, too, in my own way. And, I saw some things at the hospital that maybe should have been more private. Bmom didn't seem to mind and in many ways seems grateful to have had me there, but I wonder if somewhere down the road she'll regret me being there.

The night before discharge day, she broke down with her mom. I was there for that. It was awful. I didn't know what to do with myself. Do I stay? Do I go? Do I bring DD? (I had been holding her when it all happened). If I leave DD and she fusses will bmom be upset that I didn't take her to give them privacy? I was so conflicted. I finally decided I'll stay and if she wants me to leave, she'll tell me to. (I'm fairly confident she would have, too.)

I wish I hadn't been there for that. I felt like such an intrusion.

I did leave for a few hours one day so she could have private time with bdad, but she called me back a few hours earlier than I planned because things had gone poorly between them under all the stress.

Anyway, do I have regrets? Nope, I am so grateful that we were there from the start and that I got to know DD right off the bat. Do I wish it had gone differently? Some of it maybe. Would I do it the same way again, no. Absolutely not.

And, I think I might even request the bparents to have their baby with them until they are ready to sign as well.. or in foster care if they just don't want their baby home with them. I know DD's bparents did not want her home with them, and did not want her in foster care. And don't get me wrong, we were delighted to have her. But... it didn't make the wait to relinquishment any easier for us. The night before they signed their papers, I more or less said goodbye to her because I had such a scary feeling that we would have to the next day anyway.

I hope this helps.

If they chose to not continue this match with you, and you decide you still want to move forward with an adoption plan, there really are adoptive parents out there who would be okay with this arrangement, and even prefer it.

All my best to all of you in this. This is a difficult time for everyone. Follow your heart and your Dh's heart, and stay true to yourselves. You know what you want, I sincerely would say do not budge on this since it's so important to you because you will not be able to go back in time and redo it. I think it's wonderful you know what you want.

Again, my best wishes.

[avaleebell]

Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I'm glad you reinforced what I was thinking and that was to stay true to me and DH. I'm shocked almost in a way about there reaction. I'm going to stick to it and let it take it's coarse thanks again so much..

I cant wait to hear more opinions!
ava

[bromanchik]

I think it is really important that they understand that this is something you feel you need to do and respect that. Is there anyone that they can talk to? Are you working with an agency? I offer my services if they wish to talk to me by phone.

[SchmennaLeigh]

If they are not respecting of your wishes for alone time in the hospital and a week with your child... note: YOUR CHILD WHEN YOU ARE THE ONLY PARENTS OF THAT CHILD... then they are NOT the family for you. Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.

[Outfishn]

I believe it's your right to feel any way you want to. From a spiritual standpoint if you feel you need to have that time with your child you should make it yours.

Adoption has a huge impact on all people involved regardless of your role. Clear understandings and open minds need to be at work especially amongst the parents at this stage.

Don't think they are not reading between the lines, there's a natural tug o' war going on between you both.

[kakuehl]

Dear Ava.
Stand fast. Giving birth and placing your child for adoption is a difficult thing to do. You need to do what is right for you. I can understand the prospective adoptive mom's anger - she had an expectation and a dream - and it won't happen. (It reminds me of women who create fantasy weddings and are heart-broken when the day isn't perfect. In my (not so humble!) opinion, they forget that ultimately it's the marriage that matters. She may miss the moment of birth but she gets to parent the child!

My prayers and thoughts are with you,
Kathy

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

If they are not respecting of your wishes for alone time in the hospital and a week with your child... note: YOUR CHILD WHEN YOU ARE THE ONLY PARENTS OF THAT CHILD... then they are NOT the family for you. Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.

I have to agree with Jenna. Give them some time to absorb your right to be with your child alone after birth, but if they do not come around, they will never respect you as the bio parents of your child.

Is your adoption going to be open? If so, I see this as warning sign that the couple that you have chosen may not follow through with their promises. Proceed carefully.

BTW - I admire you and your DH for wanting to spend time with your baby.

Happy G'Ma

[xillini]

You need to do what is best for you...period. But as an adoptive parent I would have been shocked not knowing this info before you were matched. Honestly, I think I would have had the same reaction. Maybe this family is not the right match for you & your dh? Keep the communication lines open.

[avaleebell]

Thank Goodness I'm not going crazy. I was starting to think I was bad and unreasonable but all of you are right! This is my child I'm giving up not a car. I am going through an attorney whom I called when we decided to choose adoption. I am definately thinking completely different now if they cant do this at the birth I can only imagine any other arrangments we have afterward. I'm not willing to take a chance and hope they stick with there end of the open part. I dont even know if I want them to think about it and then change there mind because I will never trust completely after this. I will wait till morning but I'm going to send them a close to our arrangment and start over. I think thats the only thing after this that I can do. Thank you soooo much for your helpful advice. I dont know what I would do without these forums for advice and support.

Hugz
Ava

[kakuehl]

Dear Ava,

I think you are making the right decision for you. I would suggest that when you start over, you make it clear upfront what your expectations are at the time of birth as well as afterwards. That way it won't be a shock to the couple you choose. (While being present at the birth may be a dream that the adoptive parents have, it hasn't been all that long ago that fathers weren't allowed in the delivery room and even the mothers weren't "there" because they were under general anesthesia!)

Blessings,
Kathy

[AwaitingBeloved]

Ava,
Before you end your match with them, I want to share a quick story with you about our DD's bparents and the match we had with them.

There was a sticky point in our match. Prior to our match, during the phase where they were interviewing us, etc, they asked us if we'd be willing to make an arrangement with them that was out of the ordinary. At the time, it made oodles of since. At that time, we were thinking as *hopeful* parents, not actual parents.

Then when we became matched, and things started to progress nicely and this idea started to become a possible reality, DH and I had some valid concerns about this arrangement. (Now we were thinking as parents and our concerns were different than when we were hopeful to be parents.) Which were escalated by our adoption agency and atty at the time.

So... that day I came home and called pbmom. I left her a very long message with what was going on in our minds (I never should've left a message, but was so afraid she'd hear it from the atty first which would've made it oodles worse).

She called me back the next night, very upset with us. And confused. And she said to me after we talked and found common ground (she was able to understand our concern when we talked about it and we came up with an agreement that genuinely worked for all of us), she said to me that this message made her worry that we would change our minds about openness and visits and every other thing that we'd agreed to.

It was awful to know that we did this to her. And it was really touch and go for awhile.

My point is, if you really like this family, and *if* they come around to respect your decision, you may still be able to trust them for other things. I am so grateful that they trusted us. My word, DH's, too, means everything to us. And we are the two most honest people I know. They may be honest, too. Just scared.

I'm not excusing them. I think the way they put this on you is unacceptable. I can understand if they are in their own world with the agency, etc, that the agency or whoever is telling them how wonderful it is to have the experience in the hospital and how "most pbparents" chose to have the paparents in the hospital with them, etc. So, when you tell them you don't want this, this is a blow to their ego. What they're hearing is, "We're not good enough to be there." Why? Because what they know of open adoption tells them they will more than likely be there.

Does this make sense?

So sleep on it, maybe feel them out in the next email or two, and if they are still being ridiculous, then consider moving on. But if they start to accept this decision, they may be A. O. K. for people.

I don't want to tell you what to do, I just wanted to share with you our experience.

Good luck!

[avaleebell]

unfortunately I could'nt wait. after I made my last post I started an email to them and it flowed out so easy that I knew it was the right thing. I sent it. I cannot worry about wether or not they will hold up there end of this I am going to find a family that is completely without a doubt willing to have an open adoption. I'm to scared to do it any other way. but thank you for your story it made complete sense. I'm not sure if they'll ever email me again or not but one thing is for sure now she was suppose to email me tonight and didnt and thats another thing what if I ever do something that upsets them and I get the the silent treatment but it's post adoption I cannot be confident enough to follow through with them. I'm thankful that this happend on two weeks into the building of our relationship and not when the baby is two. Thanks again for all your advice.
I was wondering what are the major pros and cons of using an attorney????
hugz
Ava

[bromanchik]

Is there any reason you are not using an agency? There are some that do ethical, open adoptions and really prepare adoptive parents and expectant parents considering adoption for the realities of what open adoption really is.

I am a birthmom in a fully open adoption. My son is 21 years old (we were one of the first.) I also work with expectant parents, birthparets and adopting/adoptive parents in educating on open adoption issues. Please feel free to call me or pm me.I am happy to lend an ear.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Cons on using an attorney are... are you receiving any counseling? You deserve and need counseling as an expectant Mother considering placement.

I'm glad you stood up for what you felt, in your heart, was right for your family. You should not feel guilty. As of right now, the child is yours and yours alone (well, and the father!) and therefore you are legally and morally allowed to make whatever decision you want to, whatever you feel is in the best interest of your family, your child. Don't let others try to tell you otherwise.

Try not to let this failed match get you down. We're here to support you.