[Jessiedo]

I have been asked "What is your point?" referring to my above post.

Obviously, my point was the same as bmomliz's point, but let me attempt to explain.

Perhaps it is other's fault that you chose a certain route...that other people's "influence" on you overpowered your own thinking. Life happens and you can't blame others the rest of your life. It's the same as doing this.... Actually you can blame others and stay bitter and resentful. It's a CHOICE.

Who does it hurt?? Yourself, plain and simple. Others pick themselves up and go on w/ their lives. Does it help our birthchildren??? NO, absolutely not. Personally my birthchild is what is most important to me. I will do what is best for her. Would she want to be reunited w/ a birthmother who is wallowing in self-pity or trying to help themselves. Perhaps all birthchildren are not like my birthdaughter. Perhaps some do want birthmothers that they will have to nurture and care for.

I hope and pray all birthmothers can reach that peace at some time in their life. Yet, WE are accountable for our own healing, our own feelings.

If my happiness in my reunion offends others. Discuss it openly on a thread, I will be more than happy to.

I would LOVE to help a hurting birthmother reach the same level of healing that I and many others have reached.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by BestLight

Thanks, all of you. This has been very educational.

Here's a follow up question, especially for the birthmoms:

Do you feel you GAINED anything in your adoption? I know nothing compares to the loss of the chance to parent your child, but compared to where you were as you decided how to deal with an unintended pregnancy, are there ANY bright spots that come with adoption?

I'm looking for a silver lining among the clouds....

(and I hope this doesn't come across like a stupid question.)

Have I gained anything? Well aside from gaining friends in the adoptive parents and gaining friends in bmoms. I have had the opportunity to educate potential adoptive families. I have gained confidence in myself and have come to realize that I could have been a good mom. Now that is also a hard thing to deal with.

[AMom2Two]

Originally Posted by BestLight

Here's a follow up question, especially for the birthmoms:

Do you feel you GAINED anything in your adoption? I know nothing compares to the loss of the chance to parent your child, but compared to where you were as you decided how to deal with an unintended pregnancy, are there ANY bright spots that come with adoption?

I'm looking for a silver lining among the clouds....

(and I hope this doesn't come across like a stupid question.)

I've saved the last email my dd bmom sent me because it really touched me. It seems to relate to this question so I hope no one minds if I share her prespective to me with you. These are her words. I did change our personal information, took out the names, inserted forum name, and added dh instead of hubby's name, but her letter is untouched other then those privacy matters.



Today I went with my neighbors XXX & XXX to (name of our adoption agency deleted for privacy). They were making a video to prove what great people and parents they are, so they can adopt a second child.

I can't express to you the emotions I felt, but NOT A SINGLE ONE WAS BITTER OR RESENTFUL, OR UNHAPPY!!

I was proud to be there! When their daughter, XXX, got upset, I held her and swayed, the way mothers do, patted her butt and smoochied her up, and thought.... I haven't done this since my son was a baby!!!....... Lord, AMom2Two, she felt really good. I thought of dd, but I wasn't sad, I felt GREAT!!! I got such a new perspective on things. The pressure you guys were under. You both had so much strength! It brought home to me the struggle you had faced, the anxiety! I hadn't realized what you had gone through.

Is someone going to pick us? What if we never get a child? Will she like us?

I want you to know......... That I loved you both, unconditionally, the moment when your dh promised to take care of her. From that moment on she was "Daddy's Little Girl!"

We give up a lot, Amom2Two, all of us.

WE GET SOOOOOOO MUCH MORE BACK!!

I LOVE YOU!!!!!

[BestLight]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

The kicker that gives me the most anger was the "forgetting" to tell me that open adoptions weren't enforceable.

I'm confused, Jenna. I had the impression you are in an open adoption...?

[taramayrn]

She is...but still, open adoptions aren't legally enforcable in her state or in my province. So what I think she's saying is that had she known she might have made a different decision. Does this sound right Jenna?

[taramayrn]

Also the fact that they failed to tell her this...that's a huge thing to forget to tell someone who is making one of the biggest decisions of their life.

[merrill1277]

Originally Posted by BestLight

In adoption, is it necessarily true that one woman's loss is another woman's gain?

What is your experience?

My loss was another woman's gain, but I was able to live with that for years believing it was my son's gain as well hers. His adoption had nothing to do with what I wanted (I didn't) or what I would lose, but only what was supposed to be best for him.

As a first mother my loss or gain is tied in with my child's experience. In reunion I've discovered that he too experienced a profound loss which deeply affected and impacted his entire life. I believe that this, as well as the type of relationship or resolution formed in reunion (or adulthood for those in open adoption) impacts how we experience the loss now and the continued need for healing our lives. But I hold onto the belief that a greater purpose can come out of all of this in time; that ultimately there can be gain through loss. We may have different ideas on what this gain will be; for me it would be the gift of emotional and spiritual healing for him. We have to keep up hope.

But if you are a mother who will nurture love and openness between your children and their first mothers, that will make a difference for each of them. I can tell you that as one looking back retrospectively from a closed adoption and how the absence of that particular kind of nurturing can affect a child, your children will appreciate you for it, and that, I think, could only increase your gain, as well as their emotional health in the long run.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by taramayrn

She is...but still, open adoptions aren't legally enforcable in her state or in my province. So what I think she's saying is that had she known she might have made a different decision. Does this sound right Jenna?

Tara hit it on the head. Coupled with the fact that the agency acted HIGHLY unethically in order to guarantee my placement and neglected to tell me that open adoptions were not legally enforceable.

[BestLight]

Tara and Jenna, thank you for helping me understand. I would hate to be lied to as well.

Decisions are hard enough when you have all pertinent information and that info is true. It's unconscionable for a "counselor" not to provide all relevant and true information to a woman making the huge decision on how to deal with her pregnancy.

I'm sorry you experienced this.